[KMH]

My FET is 8 days away, and this morning I had an epic emotional meltdown. DH made some comment about an egg carton, and I lost my marbles. It wasn't about the egg carton, of course...I let every pent-up ounce of stress and emotion about this FET all out at once, and it wasn't pretty

So my question for you ladies is this...do you ever have days when you want to quit and not try anymore? Do you ever feel like you are pushing your luck trying again, and it would be nicer to just avoid all that pain and angst and be happy with what you have?

I have been so positive about our FET, and I really feel good about it. I'm terrified, though, of it not working. I have seen BFNs since Claire, but they were on natural cycles, so I fully expected to see them every time. I was sad to not get pregnant, but the sadness was really short-lived and it wasn't too big of a deal. Now we are spending $5k+, I'm flying with a toddler across the country, we are using half of our snowbabies, lots of family/friends know that we're doing this...a BFN would be crushing. I'm so scared of all heck breaking loose if I get a BFN that a part of me (a small, irrational part) wants to just quit!

Of course I won't really quit, but sometimes it seems so much easier. The happiest day of my life will be when we make the decision to be done TTC forever. Knowing that I won't ever have to feel this stress/pressure/anxiety again will be such an amazing feeling...I feel like that might make me whole again.

Thanks for listening to this disjointed rambling if you have made it this far...I just needed to get some things out there. I swear I would have to be locked up in a mental ward if not for you ladies

[kayakr]

Melissa - I am positive all your feelings are normal. I mean your FET is just 8 short days away. Of course you have some anxiety. You have many reasons to feel anxious. The travel with Clair, being without your DH, meeting those snow babies, the money and the possibility of it not working is enough stress to warrant ANY feelings you may have. Heck, I am surprised we are just getting this post from you. I would have posted it weeks ago if I was in your shoes. So you are doing just wonderful. You are doing great. It will be a nice trip for you and Clair and it will work! And you know what? If it doesn’t work, you will move to plan B. You’ve got this girl! Take it day by day and try not to think too far ahead of yourself because that is when it seems so overwhelming.
When you get your BFP you’ll remember why this is all worth it. If you get your BFN, you’ll know you tried to meet your snow babies, it just wasn’t time yet. Don’t feel selfish for trying again – you and your family deserve this. Just because you are trying to meet your snow babies doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for what you have now and for your miracle Clair. Stop thinking that way. It is because you do appreciate it that you want to do it again!

I am sending you love, hugs and peace and friendship to fill your heart right now so you can feel better

[L-SBB]

Originally Posted by KMH

So my question for you ladies is this...do you ever have days when you want to quit and not try anymore? Do you ever feel like you are pushing your luck trying again, and it would be nicer to just avoid all that pain and angst and be happy with what you have?

Yes, and very much yes....I feel equal parts desperation & terror when it comes to TTC our 2nd. I so deeply feel that Savannah was not destined to be our only child (and I want very much to give her the experience of having a sibling) and yet after this 2nd loss, discovering that pregnancy for me will come with even more risk than I realized - beyond my age now i have to worry about the blood clotting disorder (which poses risks to both me and the unborn baby) - i'm terrified. Terrified of another loss, terrified of something unfortunate happening to me or to the baby. And then I feel guilty that maybe I should just be content that I have one perfect, beautiful, healthy daughter and that I'm doing nothing but tempting fate by even trying to have more than I already have.

So i guess that's a really long, dramatic way of saying you're not alone. I tell ladies in TTCAL all the time and I think it applies equally to everyone in TTCMA too, that I think one of the bravest things you can do is keep TTC in the face of loss & adversity. It's so hard, so stressful - the anxiety, the fear of disappointment...it's hard for anyone to even relate who hasn't experienced it first hand themselves.

after all you've been through you deserve an easy, successful FET, BFP and pregnancy...and i'm hoping so hard Melissa that this is exactly what happens for you!

[KMH]

Originally Posted by kayakr

I am sending you love, hugs and peace and friendship to fill your heart right now so you can feel better

Thank you so much, Gretchen. You made me start bawling all over again

Originally Posted by L-SBB

Yes, and very much yes....I feel equal parts desperation & terror when it comes to TTC our 2nd.

Yes. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me...it makes me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes. I love that on this board, I can feel "normal."

Poor DH tries so hard to understand, but I could tell this morning that he was completely baffled by my breakdown. Thank you both for your virtual hugs...it really, really helps.

[kayakr]

That's what friends are for... to make you cry.

[mistletoe]

I can only imagine what you're going through -- the torrent of emotions so close to such an exciting and nerve-racking day. And it's true even on the smaller scale that no matter how well intentioned, DHs do not have the physical link to so much of this that makes us want to pull our hair out at times. The best thing to do is to lay it all out for us. And back to you we send our best wishes and virtual hugs, and, most of all, our absolute understanding.

[joanna26]

Without going into my whole involved story, if the surgery/meds DH started last month don't work a miracle (the Dr gave them a 50% chance) then we are looking at IVF-ICSI in late summer. So I am mentally preparing myself already. And the thought terrifies me for the same reasons you mentioned. What if we spend $15K, get so emotionally invested in the process and it doesn't work?!? I can honestly say I will probably have a complete emotional breakdown. Is it worth the risk? Should I just be happy that I have Jack and let the dream of a second child go? I don't have any helpful advice, just wanted you to know you aren't alone in feeling that way

[KMH]

Thank you, Ladies! I feel better since I was able to vent

[Oriyan]

Melissa, I know how you feel. EXACTLY. If I even begun to tell you what I have been through JUST to be able to cycle into my FET your head would SPIN. Lets put it this way, there is a hole in my bedroom door.

[wingqueen26]

I know this post is dated, and I'm just a lurkin' but I want o say that I have similar feelings TTC #2. We have a miracle baby. It is nothing short of that. We conceived naturally even though our RE told us we would likely never conceive (due to my high fsh) but we did conceive and now I want one more, so as soon as I stopped BF'ing in October and got my first cycle in November, we've been trying. So far. Nada. I am hopeful for this cycle.