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Poll: Would you tell?


Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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View Poll Results: Would you tell people your baby was conceived using medical assistance techniques?
Yes, I would tell anyone, even if they didnt ask 6 33.33%
I would only tell close family/friends, whether or not they asked 8 44.44%
I would tell an acquaintance, but only if they asked 3 16.67%
I wouldnt tell anyone (I'd deny using MA) 1 5.56%
Voters: 18. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
February 20th, 2013, 06:12 AM
onlybygrace's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,045
I was just wondering recently, about those that have had successful pregnancies with MA, and for those that will soon get their BFPs...are you telling people that your child was/will be conceived though IVF/IUI etc?

I'm wondering since Melissa posted the topic about celebs using MA to get pregnant, and keeping it from the public.

As for myself, no one knows I'm undergoing IVF except my sister, not another soul. I dont think I'd tell anyone that my child was conceived through IVF simply because I wouldnt want to offer any further details.

I also have a few "frenemies" in my circle of aquantances, who would never let me forget that that I lived through that.

Just wondering what of of you guys think about this.
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Not without the grace of heaven were you born and bred - Homer, The Odyssey

TTC our 1st since June 2011

6 cycles of Clomid, 2 cycles injectables, 5 IUIs: ALL BFNs

IVF #1: Starting 5th March 2013 - Praying for my 1st ever BFP!




Last edited by onlybygrace; February 20th, 2013 at 06:17 AM.
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  #2  
February 20th, 2013, 06:48 AM
adnelg775's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: New Jersey
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I always like to say that my babies were conceived immaculately...and that I have no idea of where babies actually come from. LOL!
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  #3  
February 20th, 2013, 07:21 AM
*JenJen*'s Avatar impatiently waiting
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: west, but east. south, but not north.
Posts: 7,757
family and friends would be told, simply because well, I'm not going to lie. strangers...not so much.
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  #4  
February 20th, 2013, 07:23 AM
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I'm not sure that it's entirely cut and dry as to whether (or whom) we would tell.

We have a few friends and family members that know what we're going through, so obviously they would know. There are others that we are hiding it from (for drama avoidance) so I doubt we would tell them after the fact either. (For example, a certain strict religious friend who believes that IVF is murder and adultery, therefore we are going to burn for eternity. But that's a story for another day.) If somebody asks, then we usually tell them. (I usually start with the response of "Having another child isn't as easy as just deciding to one day" to the constant questions. Some people drop it, others ask more.)

What we are struggling with is when/if to tell our kid(s) about it. DD obviously doesn't understand anything like that yet, but I think that when she's married and/or TTC I will let her know. Just so that she feels like she can talk to me about it if she has any issues. Also so that she's aware of potential issues. I don't want to scare her while she's young, you know? But I feel like if other people know about it, she and future child(ren) should know about it as well. Before they hear it from somebody else?

I'm picturing having "the talk" with her in a few years... "Mom, where do babies come from?" Well, you see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they go and see a doctor and take out a second mortgage on their home...
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Me: Autoimmune (Hashimotos and Fibromyalgia), vitamin D and calcium deficiency. Treated with Synthroid, supplements, TCM and acupuncture.

DH: Severe MFI (low counts, low motility, poor morphology and high antibodies), likely caused by poor liver function. Treated with Clomid to increase total counts.

DD: Conceived after 1 year of TTC with progesterone to correct LPD (likely caused by undiagnosed thyroid dysfunction). Born Aug 2009 via c/s after an induction due to pre-e and HELLP.

TTC #2 since Oct10 with an early loss in Aug 2011. Post-wash counts are too low for IUI to be successful, so moving on to IVF/ICSI in May 2014!

IVF/ICSI #1 (May 2014): Estrogen priming and antagonist protocol, including acupuncture and prayer!
17/05/14 - Baseline looks good, start Gonal-F 225iu and Luveris 75iu
28/05/14 - 18 eggs retrieved, 14 mature
29/05/14 - 13 fertilized!!! All are looking great still on day 3, so we're going to blast!
02/06/14 - Transferred one 1BC blast, with 3 other blasts and 3 morulas to watch and freeze
03/06/14 - All embryos have arrested. None to freeze
09/06/14 - Faint BFP at home at 7dp5dt!!!!!
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  #5  
February 20th, 2013, 07:33 AM
onlybygrace's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by muffin View Post
I'm picturing having "the talk" with her in a few years... "Mom, where do babies come from?" Well, you see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they go and see a doctor and take out a second mortgage on their home...
<3 This!
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Not without the grace of heaven were you born and bred - Homer, The Odyssey

TTC our 1st since June 2011

6 cycles of Clomid, 2 cycles injectables, 5 IUIs: ALL BFNs

IVF #1: Starting 5th March 2013 - Praying for my 1st ever BFP!



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  #6  
February 20th, 2013, 07:57 AM
kayakr's Avatar Persuaded by POAS’ers
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,753
I am okay with telling anyone that wants to know or who will listen. Not sure about the donor part though - I will be keeping that a secret until my child knows and it will be their story to tell if they want.

DH - wants to keep it all secret and is fine with only a select few friends that already know (not about donor part though). He wants to put this all in our past if we get our baby and never look back. Specially doesn't want his family to know. Not really sure why and I am fine with that since most don't understand anyways.
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Gretchen
Me (43) DH(33) 12 years together - ttc our first together-I have 14yr old DS
Cycles 1-6 = BFN
Cycle 7 SA results abnormal morphology 2%, 50 mg clomid = BFN
Cycle 8 sonogram normal 50 mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 9 SA results abnormal morphology and motility. Count 200 mill, 100mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 10 natural = BFN
Cycle 11 hsg tubes clear, natural + trigger+IUI = BFN
Cycle 12 repronex + trigger + 2 IUI = BFN
Cycle 13 natural ovaries to stimulated for more meds = BFN
Cycle 14-22 natural cycle with Acupuncture and planning ivf/icsi/DE = ALL BFN
Cycle 23 Clomid 50 mg & Progesterone = BFN
Cycle 24 Natural = BFN
Cycle 25 BCP, SA result 7% morphology = BFN
Cycle 26 BCP and Lupron preparing for IVF
Cycle 27 IVF Acupuncture, DE Retrieval April 7, Transfer April 12 =
7 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized, 2 transferred - zero snow babies
BETA # 1 16DPO or 11dp5dt = 569
BETA # 2 19 DPO or 14dp5dt = 1078
BETA # 3 22DPO or 17dp5dt = 2414 TWINS!
BETA # 4 30DPO or 25dp5dt = 12,685 6weeks 3days 2 heartbeats! 114 & 116
Clayton and Colton Born @ 34 weeks 11/22/13
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  #7  
February 20th, 2013, 08:20 AM
Lucy S.'s Avatar POAS addict
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Bay area CA
Posts: 6,046
So both boys were MA...
During? I tell no one (altho this time around I have told more ppl and regret that) but after I am pretty open if it comes up.
To me it's not something I am that uncomfortable with only because my children were desperately wanted and in a weird way "earned" or what have you. TTC with loss and MA has made me an awesome mother, seriously. I think i appreciate it way more than I ever would otherwise.
My boys know they were wanted so badly... We spent over $10,000 for #2 and i call him the $10,000 baby at times LOL!

But i know not everyone feels this way and I totally get that.
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  #8  
February 20th, 2013, 08:55 AM
*JenJen*'s Avatar impatiently waiting
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We've been pretty blunt and honest with people because I want to make them aware. I don't tell anyone during, but we've flat out said that we just can't afford to have kids right now due to the costs of treatments, and that it's no ones business as to when that happens unless they are willing to foot the bill.

When we were using donor sperm, we weren't hiding it, but not making it public. It's something we will obviously have to tell a child at some point if we end up using a donor again, but we'll be more selective about that
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2006-2013 6+ years of NTNP, TTC, TTCMA, Losses, Surgeries, and Diagnoses.
RPL and Genetic Tests came back 100% normal | Endo, PCOS, severe MFI
Multiple early losses between 3 and 8 weeks.

Broken in heart, mind, and body. On a break until Summer 2014






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  #9  
February 20th, 2013, 09:03 AM
hopingforbabymc's Avatar Finally Pregnant!
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Location: Georgia
Posts: 2,138
I wish now that I had never told anyone. In the beginning I told my grandmother who replied with, "why would you want more kids? If I had my time over, I would have kept my legs closed". I try not to talk to her about it anymore. I then told my SIL thinking she'd offer the support I was looking for, and she gave me the just relax, it'll happen speech. My brother (her husband and my only sibling) flat out said he didn't want to hear about our failing sex life. I think I only told those people because they were the closest people to me and I desperately needed their support. In the end, I got none. If I had to do again, I would have just told no one IRL and went through the almost 4 years alone. It's basically what I've had to do and it has hurt.
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  #10  
February 20th, 2013, 09:08 AM
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A select few friends know we are getting medical help TTC and when my actual IUI is. I will be happy to share any info about it with anyone once we actually get a BFP and a little baby that sticks. But Im going to wait a while to share it with everyone we know if/when we do get a BFP.

Muffin, I agree about telling your kids later so they feel like they can talk to you about it. Plus I think its important to share medical history with family. Im expecting my oldest to ask me one day more in depth questions about having babies and her future brother/sister. She already knows babies can go to heaven because she knew about my 16 week pregnancy and still talks about how her baby brother went to heaven. She even mentioned it a few days ago.

Oh and I want to add that no one in my family knows what we are doing but my DH (which I didn't know he was going to tell them and I wish I would have asked him not to - I just assumed he wouldn't) told his sister and mom.
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  #11  
February 20th, 2013, 09:32 AM
MandyEllen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't really tell too many people IRL. I am actually working with a psychologist now to help me open up and deal with the emotional side of TTCMA because we are now at the point where we need to decide if we're going to use an egg donor or adopt. So many emotions go into the TTCMA process & I don't want everyone in the world to have an opinion.

One time I talked to my mother about IVF, and in her devout Catholic way was more concerned with the embryos who will be left over (I never had any to freeze, so it really wasn't even a pertinent discussion). I shut down talking to her. I don't need judgment or Catholic perspectives. She's asked me a few times after that, but I give blunt, one word answers.

Using an egg donor, I will put the power of who to tell in the child's hands. I will tell them that another lady helped me get them, but I won't make a big family announcement. If the child chooses to ask someone about it or talk to someone, then that's his/her decision. It's their life, so I want to be sure they are comfortable with all the information before I decide who I think they should be comfortable knowing it.
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  #12  
February 20th, 2013, 10:17 AM
Luvgreen19's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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During the process with my DS I was very closed. A few select friends knew what we were going through and that was it. Now that I have had a successful pregnancy, I tell people that our son was an MA baby and am pretty open about it. I want to educate people and let them know that MA is not a shameful thing.
However, we are getting ready to undergo treatments for #2 in March/April, and I can already tell that I am closing off again. I am not giving very many people very many details. And that's ok for me. I cope by not letting the world in- I don't want to have to answer a million questions from a million people especially if things don't go well.
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Months of testing & Clomid cycles ending with Clomid 150mg+trigger+IUI= in December 2009!
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Round 2- 2013
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  #13  
February 20th, 2013, 01:20 PM
onlybygrace's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luvgreen19 View Post
I don't want to have to answer a million questions from a million people especially if things don't go well.
This is EXACTLY how I feel!
The pity from people who never understood the struggle in the first place would kill me.
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Not without the grace of heaven were you born and bred - Homer, The Odyssey

TTC our 1st since June 2011

6 cycles of Clomid, 2 cycles injectables, 5 IUIs: ALL BFNs

IVF #1: Starting 5th March 2013 - Praying for my 1st ever BFP!



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  #14  
February 20th, 2013, 01:59 PM
*Leah*'s Avatar TTC the newfashioned way
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Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 3,442
I have told all of my friends and family (hello - we were married 14 years before we had our daughter...people were starting to wonder haha, we didn't actually start trying until around 10 years).... and I do share with other people, depends if I feel comfortable with them, or if I think they may understand or benefit from knowing. I.E. a couple friends I suspected were having 2ndary IF, were. I like to talk about it, because a lot of people hide the fact that ttc is difficult/infertility etc... and I've met people that are appreciative to hear of another person going through the same thing and getting a positive result. It's nice to know we're not alone.

A handful of friends know we are going through IVF again...some of my family knows, but I'm sure more will know around Easter.

PS love this board and you gals!
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IVF#2 BFP 4/2013 M/C 6/2/13 (8 weeks)
FET #1 BFP 8/2013 - Chemical Pregnancy
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  #15  
February 20th, 2013, 01:59 PM
Cait&AngelAbove's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Family knows what we are going through. We told them all when we were having our iui and told them all when it didn't work. My MIL and FIL are the only ones that know about DH's low sperm count though. He didn't want me to tell anyone else.
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  #16  
February 20th, 2013, 03:47 PM
KMH KMH is online now
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I was shy about discussing it at first, but now I tell everyone. Almost without realizing it, I look for ways to add it into a conversation because I don't want anyone to think these kids just fell into my lap...I want people to know that they were desperately wanted. It is easier now with the twins...people always ask if twins run in our families, and that is my opportunity to say that we needed the help of IVF to have all of our children.

I have also received SO much positive feedback and so many "thank-yous" for discussing it. The more I talk about it, the more I realize that so many people struggle with infertility. When I mention it in group settings (DH's Christmas party at work, for example) I almost always have someone come up to me later and admit that they have struggled and want to ask me questions or just talk. I feel like it is my obligation to share, both to be someone that people can talk to, and just to be an example that these stories have a happy endings. DH talks about it too, and has a lot of men ask him questions.

Ultimately, it is up to you and DH and what you feel comfortable with. I would never have talked about it unless DH agreed that we would be open. Being open isn't for everyone, and we have had negative comments about it. They bothered me at first, but now I just let them roll off my back. I'm proud of what we have been thru
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  #17  
February 20th, 2013, 04:37 PM
kayakr's Avatar Persuaded by POAS’ers
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,753
I am pretty sure DH and I are going to struggle with who we tell if we get a baby. I want to share and be open and DH wants to forget it. He also doesn't want to share his morphology issues with anyone specially his family. We have discussed this a few times and we don't agree. So I drop it - I feel like we need to just get a baby first then we can discuss it then. I would never go against his wishes but I will make it clear that I feel it's my obligation to share so people in the same situation aren't so alone like I have been.

I wanted to start my own local support group because when I needed one I couldn't find one around here. However, there are 2 clinics miles apart from each other with tons of customers. So I know there is a need. Whether we are blessed with our baby or not if my heart pulls me to host/start/organize a group then DH and I will really need to have some discussions.

Hopefully he can watch our babies while I host a support group once a week someday.
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Gretchen
Me (43) DH(33) 12 years together - ttc our first together-I have 14yr old DS
Cycles 1-6 = BFN
Cycle 7 SA results abnormal morphology 2%, 50 mg clomid = BFN
Cycle 8 sonogram normal 50 mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 9 SA results abnormal morphology and motility. Count 200 mill, 100mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 10 natural = BFN
Cycle 11 hsg tubes clear, natural + trigger+IUI = BFN
Cycle 12 repronex + trigger + 2 IUI = BFN
Cycle 13 natural ovaries to stimulated for more meds = BFN
Cycle 14-22 natural cycle with Acupuncture and planning ivf/icsi/DE = ALL BFN
Cycle 23 Clomid 50 mg & Progesterone = BFN
Cycle 24 Natural = BFN
Cycle 25 BCP, SA result 7% morphology = BFN
Cycle 26 BCP and Lupron preparing for IVF
Cycle 27 IVF Acupuncture, DE Retrieval April 7, Transfer April 12 =
7 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized, 2 transferred - zero snow babies
BETA # 1 16DPO or 11dp5dt = 569
BETA # 2 19 DPO or 14dp5dt = 1078
BETA # 3 22DPO or 17dp5dt = 2414 TWINS!
BETA # 4 30DPO or 25dp5dt = 12,685 6weeks 3days 2 heartbeats! 114 & 116
Clayton and Colton Born @ 34 weeks 11/22/13
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  #18  
February 20th, 2013, 08:45 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: North Texas
Posts: 17,679
We were very private in the beginning, but eventually told everyone on the planet (within reason) because I didn't want to hide it anymore after years worth of trying and medical stuff.

I also started to just get confident discussing it and made it a "matter of fact" part of who I am and who we are, not ashamed or worried about reactions once I personally accepted where we were, which honestly took a few years. The ironic part is that if you go back through way way old threads on the WTTC boards, I was constantly moving our TTC date out of fear of not being ready and then when we started it just kept going and going.

Once we hit adoption of course it was very open. We turned to everyone we knew for help getting the word out that we adopted and I was glad that we had already been open for those years about our struggles. They were definitely tuned in to wanting to help us and passing the message along, so much so that we ended up matching with our birth mom on Facebook.

I will say that once it no longer rocked me as much emotionally, I was pretty free in discussing it with others and starting to even educate those that were truly interested in what IVF was vs IUI and why we needed this method vs another, and why we were doing MA instead of going straight to adoption. I've had very very few negative experiences discussing it online or in person
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  #19  
February 20th, 2013, 08:49 PM
Lucy S.'s Avatar POAS addict
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kayakr View Post

Hopefully he can watch our babies while I host a support group once a week someday.
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  #20  
February 20th, 2013, 09:11 PM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
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Posts: 9,004
Our families know nothing. They know about one miscarriage, and only because I nearly died and wound up in the hospital. They do not know about the other losses, nor our subsequent struggles to conceive. I'd like to keep it that way. They pry too much as it is. I don't need the extra questions and pressure from them.

Some of our friends know. I told a couple of them. So, if we wind up with twins or something one day, I'm sure they'll know it was because of fertility meds, but probably would have enough class not to ask.
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