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He doesn't get it!!


Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
March 3rd, 2013, 01:05 PM
*Whiskey*'s Avatar Moving on to adoption
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
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I'm so frustrated!! Yet another CD1 today and DH is upset. So am I of course but I want to shake him and say "Seriously?" He said that he wants to have another baby. As soon as I ovulate he's pestering me to take a HPT and see if it worked. He fails to see that his almost zero sperm (or as I said to Lucy the other day... his sperm show up for a football game ready for baseball) is a major factor here. He seems to think that because he and his ex wife didn't have issues that we won't.

I was horrible to him this morning and I feel terrible.. but he just doesn't get it.
He said "Well we'll just keep trying there's always the next cycle." I said "We have a less than 3% chance of conceiving without IVF; with your crappy sperm and my next to useless uterus we have a snowball's chance in Hedes of getting pregnant."

He refuses to make an appointment with his flight surgeon to get a referral to the urologist. He's going away for training next month and in Oct/Nov he'll be deploying for a year. I'm just lost. He seems to think it's as easy as they tell you in sex ed at school.
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  #2  
March 3rd, 2013, 02:08 PM
melissaleigh's Avatar Unashamed POASer
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I'm sorry. Sounds frustrating. I really hope you guys can get through this quickly and instead of worrying about getting preggers can just worry about the sweet little baby in our arms
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  #3  
March 3rd, 2013, 02:55 PM
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Whiskey, I am so sorry for your frustration. Sometimes I just don't think they get it at all. My DH thinks that you just need to dtd when the opk tells you to. I'm to the point of yelling why do I take meds, deal with the side effects, and wake up to poas just so that you can tell me you are tired! WTH!! (Sorry for hijacking your post)

I wish that there was something I could to do help. *hugs*
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  #4  
March 3rd, 2013, 03:12 PM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
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Guys do not like to hear that their sperm is no good, even if what you're saying is true. Perhaps be a bit more sensitive about it? That's one of the things that really makes them feel emasculated. If you're not so mean about it, he may be more apt to go if you handle him with kid gloves. Just a thought.
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  #5  
March 3rd, 2013, 03:48 PM
*Whiskey*'s Avatar Moving on to adoption
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Honestly up until today I hadn't been mean about it at all. In fact, I've been the mushy, supportive wife and handled him with "kid gloves" because I assumed hearing that your sperm count was low or non existent would be on the same level as hearing your ovaries sucked.

We've been trying for two years. With nothing. When we first found out about his sperm count he was all about getting it fixed. He was going to take the clomid and hCG shots, whatever it took. But the dose was way off and I wouldn't let him take it because it can do more harm than good when used wrong. I told him he needed to see a urologist. The RE told him he needed to see a urologist.

I'm tired of being the only one in the game, and hearing him get upset about not being pregnant every single month just made me snap.

But you're right probably.. maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut.
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  #6  
March 3rd, 2013, 04:03 PM
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He has to take responsibility for his "part(s)" and see the urologist and get his head out of sand about his denial ...suck it up butter cup... 2 is years is plenty of time for kid gloves but I am a take charge and get things done kind of gal and sometimes I need to be more sensitive. If he wants a baby he has to do his share even if it uncomfortable. The reality is you have a very limited cycles to get of before he is deployed not much time to be passive about it.
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  #7  
March 3rd, 2013, 05:16 PM
Lucy S.'s Avatar POAS addict
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I am super hormonal today and I would have ripped is fing head off today and he's not even my DH
I think you have done everything but beat him with a stick..oooo there is an emotioncon that sorta works for that > or
You know I mean well and I don't suggest beating him with a stick (um I don't think)... But I think it's ultimatum time but you have to be sure you will follow though. If i were in your shoes I would tell him he either gets the referral or you guys stop trying until he does. And the thought scares the crap outta me BUT this is hurting your marriage and hurting you. Something has to be done y/k?

I am so sorry darlin
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  #8  
March 3rd, 2013, 05:48 PM
KMH KMH is offline
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I'm wondering how much of it is that he has to go see the Flight Surgeon? We did everything through my OB on base and my DH never had to see a Flt. Doc or anyone he works with...I have a feeling it would have been a different story otherwise. Does your DH talk about this stuff at work? Maybe he is really having trouble swallowing his pride and admitting this stuff where he works because he is too ashamed? Maybe he is afraid people will talk?

No matter what the reason, I'm sorry he isn't being more proactive. I agree with the other ladies that he needs to suck it up and do it. None of the stuff we ladies have to go thru is fun, but we put on our big-girl pants and do it anyway.

Finally...one last suggestion. If he gets referred to a Urologist, that doc will likely want to do another SA. Tell your DH if he gets that referral to the Urologist, you'll give him the time of his life to give the sample...new lingerie, lap dance...whatever he likes. Yes I know it is like bribery and it shouldn't take that to get him to do his part, but it might work. At this point you gotta do whatever it takes
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  #9  
March 3rd, 2013, 07:13 PM
Cait&AngelAbove's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sorry! Men can be so infuriating!!!
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  #10  
March 3rd, 2013, 11:10 PM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KMH View Post


I'm wondering how much of it is that he has to go see the Flight Surgeon? We did everything through my OB on base and my DH never had to see a Flt. Doc or anyone he works with...I have a feeling it would have been a different story otherwise. Does your DH talk about this stuff at work? Maybe he is really having trouble swallowing his pride and admitting this stuff where he works because he is too ashamed? Maybe he is afraid people will talk?
Good point....seeing someone he works with might be adding majorly to his reluctance. Like, he might have been reluctant regardless, but having to see someone he works with might just be too embarrassing. I sure as heck would NOT want a co-worker knowing about my personal health issues, especially not something like that. Can he not just go see a urologist without seeing the flight surgeon? Shouldn't a referral from your RE be enough? Sorry if I am asking stupid questions.. I don't know how this stuff works in military.

And, it sounds like he was willing...til you decided that you knew better than the doctor and forbade him from doing what he was told. Maybe that sent some mixed signals? I dunno. Maybe I'm grasping at straws. Just trying to see it from a man's perspective here...so don't take any of what I saw in the wrong way, ok?

Men are strange creatures and their pride often gets in the way. It seems like he might be in denial. But I will say this - insulting them never gets them to cooperate and do what you want them to do.
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  #11  
March 4th, 2013, 04:18 AM
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Men are so clueless! Im sorry he is acting that way. The other ladies have all given great advice so hopefully you both can figure out a plan...I want you to get that BFP!
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  #12  
March 4th, 2013, 04:27 AM
*Whiskey*'s Avatar Moving on to adoption
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Flight surgeon = his primary care doc. He needs to see him to get referrals. The RE can't refer him to anyone.

He said he'd get the appointment last night. But he's said that before too. I told him TTC is over until further notice.
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  #13  
March 4th, 2013, 05:33 AM
onlybygrace's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sorry you're going through this Jen.

I also had some nasty arguments with DH...and ended up saying things I regret. I just hope we get our BFPs and then we can chart a new course, and all this will be forgotten.
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  #14  
March 4th, 2013, 06:18 AM
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(((HUGS)))

I'm sorry you're reaching the end of your rope

I don't understand how men can just be so bloody stubborn! I get that this is difficult for them. I get that they tie their self-worth into their junk. I get that they're private people who just want to ignore that anything might need fixing and are embarrassed to admit it. I get that. Really, I do. What I DON'T get, is why they have to hurt the people close to them in doing so.

When you ask him *why* he didn't book it, what is his reasoning? He forgot? He wants more time? He's embarrassed? We all know that the the first one is likely a cop-out, but if you catch him in that, you can always hand him the phone and say "CALL NOW!" I know that would be DHs excuse over here. I really hope that putting TTC on hold would be the kick in the pants he needs. Maybe he just didn't realise how serious you are? Of course, there's always the chance that it could backfire, but there's no point in putting yourself through the turmoil every month if he's not putting forth the effort as well! When was the last time you had a serious conversation about where you want your TTC journey to go? (ie: not just nagging/avoiding) I know it's time again for us to have another discussion like this, but it's hard to do it without ending up in an argument and/or hurting somebody's feelings.

Infertility is an extremely difficult thing to deal with. It consumes your emotions, and makes it hard to be rational (hence the outburst this morning I'm sure!) so it's not easy to have these types of discussions. I hope that you are able to figure it out though, and he makes the freaking appointment TODAY!!!
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  #15  
March 4th, 2013, 07:05 AM
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Whiskey... I am so sorry that you are going through all of this hurt and frustration. I hope it all gets better. *hugs*
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  #16  
March 4th, 2013, 10:14 AM
*Whiskey*'s Avatar Moving on to adoption
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I really appreciate all the replies and support. I realize that it may appear to some that I might have shot myself in the foot with the meds, but the dose Dr Vasques put my husband on was 10,000 IU of Novarel twice a week and 50mg of clomid a day. That dose has an exceptionally high chance of wiping out all sperm rather than increasing it. I'd be ok with him taking 25mg every second day but that's it. Now I'm not smarter than a doc, but having been a paramedic and now a nurse I'm pretty fluent in pharmacology. Especially as Dr Vasquez was only 10% into our care.

At any rate, DH called and asked me to keep TTC while he gets the appointments. He said he doesn't want to miss whatever chance we do have to conceive.
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"Worry is like a rocking chair, gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere"
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  #17  
March 4th, 2013, 11:19 AM
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Hey girl...
My first thought when I read your post about catching the dosing error was... that girl used to be a medic I am currently a paramedic and sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and protect your family! I understand your motive & reasoning! I know this will get better.

You are a strong person. *hugs* Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
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  #18  
March 4th, 2013, 04:24 PM
*Whiskey*'s Avatar Moving on to adoption
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LOL yeah old habits die hard!
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Jen

"Worry is like a rocking chair, gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere"
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  #19  
March 4th, 2013, 04:28 PM
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Im happy to hear your DH is on board to call and make the appts!
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  #20  
March 4th, 2013, 04:30 PM
Raunchero's Avatar Happy as a Clam :)
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I hope the best for you dear... i think we all have been there, feeling as though we put in all the blood sweat and tears and they dont want to do their part. I hope he follows through on his part! ::::HUGS::::
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