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What would you label me? What do you label yourself when it comes to IF?


Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  • 10 Post By kayakr
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  #1  
March 29th, 2013, 10:24 AM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: North Texas
Posts: 17,679
So my understanding is that now that I've had a pregnancy and child, I'm not "infertile". I spent 4 years under that identity though, and it doesn't change the fact that I still have diminished ovarian reserve. But I got pregnant on my own which is insane. But we don't know that we'll be able to do it again.

I tried to spend the last year trying on the identity of Rhiannon's mom. Now I have no children and am completely unclear about my fertility or lack thereof at this point in my life. But I also don't get to be in the parent club either. I don't belong in my DDC which will soon turn into a playroom. I can't post there. I don't belong. So I'm a mom, yes, but I'm not walking that life daily in my routines and so on.

I know I fit in this forum because we most likely will use MA to conceive but the actual label of infertile and having infertility, does that even fit me now?

When you are talking about yourself, do you call yourself infertile? Do you say you have infertility?

So I guess I can't say that I'm infertile, or that I have infertility, but I can say that I have DOR? I have no idea why it even matters, but I guess it's something that you try to do when you feel like your world and your "identities" have been shaken a little bit and you are trying to figure out where you belong.
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  #2  
March 29th, 2013, 11:30 AM
kayakr's Avatar Persuaded by POAS’ers
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,753
Lauren – you don’t have to have a title. Also you don’t have to have a title to fit into TTCMA or any place else.

However, if I were to title you I would say: Lauren is mom who didn’t get the chance to mother. Has a case of DOR which has made conception extremely difficult. Currently is actively perusing her incomplete family and grieving over her baby girl Rhiannon and helping so many others along the way.

ME: TTCMA hot emotional mess!
cutenurse24, KMH, L-SBB and 7 others like this.
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Gretchen
Me (43) DH(33) 12 years together - ttc our first together-I have 14yr old DS
Cycles 1-6 = BFN
Cycle 7 SA results abnormal morphology 2%, 50 mg clomid = BFN
Cycle 8 sonogram normal 50 mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 9 SA results abnormal morphology and motility. Count 200 mill, 100mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 10 natural = BFN
Cycle 11 hsg tubes clear, natural + trigger+IUI = BFN
Cycle 12 repronex + trigger + 2 IUI = BFN
Cycle 13 natural ovaries to stimulated for more meds = BFN
Cycle 14-22 natural cycle with Acupuncture and planning ivf/icsi/DE = ALL BFN
Cycle 23 Clomid 50 mg & Progesterone = BFN
Cycle 24 Natural = BFN
Cycle 25 BCP, SA result 7% morphology = BFN
Cycle 26 BCP and Lupron preparing for IVF
Cycle 27 IVF Acupuncture, DE Retrieval April 7, Transfer April 12 =
7 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized, 2 transferred - zero snow babies
BETA # 1 16DPO or 11dp5dt = 569
BETA # 2 19 DPO or 14dp5dt = 1078
BETA # 3 22DPO or 17dp5dt = 2414 TWINS!
BETA # 4 30DPO or 25dp5dt = 12,685 6weeks 3days 2 heartbeats! 114 & 116
Clayton and Colton Born @ 34 weeks 11/22/13

Last edited by kayakr; March 29th, 2013 at 11:56 AM. Reason: Forgot me!
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  #3  
March 29th, 2013, 12:23 PM
Raunchero's Avatar Happy as a Clam :)
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,305
I agree with Gretchen, you are a mommy, no matter what.

i have never once said "i am infertile" if I have ever labled my self it was "fertility issues" mostly because i know that someday i will have my family.
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  #4  
March 29th, 2013, 12:47 PM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
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Location: Texas
Posts: 9,810
I call myself "pregnancy challenged"...but I understand where you're coming from, I'm not technically infertile either but when you require a half dozen meds to get/stay pregnant I don't really consider myself normal either. I say call yourself whatever seems most appropriate to you in the moment...and obviously you're welcome here regardless, we're like an adorable island of TTC/pregnancy misfit toys here but there's a happy ending being written for all of us eventually, I do truly believe that.
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  #5  
March 29th, 2013, 12:52 PM
*JenJen*'s Avatar impatiently waiting
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: west, but east. south, but not north.
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I consider myself infertile. I consider you infertile. Anyone who at any point has had to walk down the IF/MA road, I consider part of the infertility family, forever. Because just that one step forever changes your life. You never forget it.

With that said, we are all so much more than infertility. It's just the common thread that binds us all together.
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2006-2013 6+ years of NTNP, TTC, TTCMA, Losses, Surgeries, and Diagnoses.
RPL and Genetic Tests came back 100% normal | Endo, PCOS, severe MFI
Multiple early losses between 3 and 8 weeks.

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  #6  
March 29th, 2013, 01:21 PM
Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raunchero View Post
I agree with Gretchen, you are a mommy, no matter what.

i have never once said "i am infertile" if I have ever labled my self it was "fertility issues" mostly because i know that someday i will have my family.


I feel the same way. I feel like I have fertility issues. I wouldn't call you infertile because you conceived and carried a child and hopefully will be able to again, but maybe just need to extra help along the way.
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  #7  
March 29th, 2013, 01:43 PM
onlybygrace's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,045
I hate that word 'infertile' and I never refer myself by it, even though I have never been pregnant in almost 2 years of trying.

Like the others have said, we don't need a label, but belonging to this board does make us a family.

<3
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TTC our 1st since June 2011

6 cycles of Clomid, 2 cycles injectables, 5 IUIs: ALL BFNs

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  #8  
March 29th, 2013, 02:39 PM
KMH KMH is offline
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Infertility isn't cured when you get a BFP. Or when you hear a heartbeat. Or when you have a child. I'm sure the last word a person who sees me at Target with my 3-under-3 circus would use to describe me is "infertile," but that is what I am.

Infertility stays with you. It haunts you. For me at least, the sting of hearing stories about "we decided to let nature take its course and now we're pregnant" never goes away. The feelings of inadequacy because DH and I couldn't do it on our own never go away. The bitterness about having to spend $30k for our kids when drunk teenagers do it for free never goes away.

Infertility also stays with you in a good way...not that I would ever wish for it, but it has made me a better, more patient Mama.

I don't think we're defined by one word, we don't fit into one pretty descriptive box, and we aren't the sum total of our labels. Lauren, I think you're a Mama working to complete her family. Infertile? Yes. A Mother? Yes. TTCMA? Yes, whenever you are ready. DOR? Yes. You are also awe-inspiring, strong, brave, and I consider myself very lucky to have been touched by you and your family
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  #9  
March 29th, 2013, 03:20 PM
~~MeeMee~~'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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You ladies have said such beautiful words, I’m left without anything to say because I could never speak as eloquently as you ladies. But I agree infertility is never “cured” but there isn’t just one word to describe people.
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BABY BOY due June 6

Me 40 DH 42 with an amazing 15yo DS
TTC #2 NTNP starting in 2009
actively TTC (BBT and OPKs) 2011
natural BFP Feb 2012, ending in mmc Apr with d&c in May
IVF Sep 2012, 4 eggs retrieved, 2 mature, 1 fertilized, but showed abnormal
growth, so not suitable for transfer
Nov 2012 IVF take 2 = 3 embryos, but due to concerns with lining unable to transfer
Jan 2013 endometrial biopsy = normal
Mar FET transferred 2 beautiful embryos, but unfortunately BFN
moving to donor eggs fall of 2013
Septemeber 30, 2013 - surprise BFP while waiting for DE
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  #10  
March 29th, 2013, 04:55 PM
*Whiskey*'s Avatar Blessed
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,744
According to the RE and OB's that I've seen I'm infertile, despite having three living children.

I have to agree with Gretchen though, you are a mother. In every sense of the word.
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~ * ~ * ~ * Always believe that something good is going to happen * ~ * ~ * ~

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  #11  
March 29th, 2013, 11:56 PM
Lucy S.'s Avatar POAS addict
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Bay area CA
Posts: 6,046
I just say I struggle with fertility or infertility.
Most of the time it goes over people's head IRL and I rarely label myself online. I do like TTCMA tho. Binds a lot of people together and fits many without having to go into everything.
I was on an IF forum and basically told to move on because I have secondary and the IF was for those without kids. That was one of those sites where even on the TTC forum you don;t post your BFP so you don't offend tho

I don't know what I would label you beyond mama to a sleeping beauty. You have gotten a lot of beautiful suggestions.
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  #12  
March 30th, 2013, 10:09 PM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,004
I just consider myself to be a physical wreck and medical oddity in general. LOL. When I have medical issues, they are always "weird" and unexplainable. No reasons ever found for my miscarriages or why I can't get pregnant again. I also have hypermobile joints (which I think is likely part of something bigger that I haven't had the energy to try to get diagnosed), so my joints are constantly dislocating and subluxating and causing me all sorts of pain and problems. No explanation yet for that either.....

I also always have the worst reactions to drugs...the "rare" side effects, can't take any narcotic pain meds because they literally make me crazy and I think I'm going to die, and even the so-called "happy" drugs they give you pre-surgery make me incredibly sad and I start bawling like crazy. LOL.

My midwife though has told me as much as it sucks that my miscarriages and stuff were definitely not textbook, it has helped her and the others in her office and who work with her learn. She said I've taught them some new things and its been a good learning experience for them. Even the OB who oversees her/works with her said I was an odd case.

So...anyways.... I'm a weirdo. That's what I call myself.
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  #13  
March 30th, 2013, 10:28 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: North Texas
Posts: 17,679
Julie have you ever heard of Ehlers-Danlos? I know someone with what you are describing, and this is the diagnosis she was given

Ehlers-Danlos syndrome - MayoClinic.com
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"I will make it through this because it is for her and for her, I will do anything. I am not brave, I am not strong, I am just Rhiannon’s mom". Our TTC/Adoption/Pregnancy Blog: Jump Over The Rainbow

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  #14  
March 31st, 2013, 06:02 AM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,004
I have heard of it. Once I get this babymaking stuff sorted out, I intended to get that sorted out. But right now, I can't handle seeing an RE and whoever else I'd need to see for the other stuff at the same time....too much time and energy to expend. Someone else actually mentioned the EDS to me before....so maybe that is what I have, since a few people have said so.
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  #15  
April 1st, 2013, 07:57 AM
KMH KMH is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JulieMc View Post
Once I get this babymaking stuff sorted out, I intended to get that sorted out. But right now, I can't handle seeing an RE and whoever else I'd need to see for the other stuff at the same time....too much time and energy to expend.
If I were in your shoes, I think I'd be concerned that the fertility issues and the other issues you are having are not separate...that they are intertwined as things with our health/bodies often are. It is quite possible that in order to sort out the babymaking stuff, you'll have to delve into the other stuff as well. It might be a ton of energy/time to expend now, but if it clears the way for a BFP and healthy pregnancy it would definitely be worth it. Just my
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  #16  
April 4th, 2013, 07:19 AM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 3,730
You are definitely a mom.

Quoted from another one of my friends on JM:

Quote:
What Makes A Mother~

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can He replied With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this, God I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile With other children and say
"We go to earth and learn our lessons Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear
"Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one Your children are OK
Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with me Until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start
.
cutenurse24 and kayakr like this.
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  #17  
April 4th, 2013, 07:50 AM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 1,974
I hate the word "infertile" because to me, it just smacks of hopelessness--like, "infertile" means "unable to ever have a baby. ever." I know that's not the medical definition, but that's what it seems like to me. We did the TTC w/ MA route because of severe male factor infertility (and I WILL call DH "infertile," because he has, like, NO good sperm). So we used a donor. I have ovulation issues, but with all the meds I was on for the IUI stuff, my issues became irrelevant. We also had 2 losses, for unexplained reasons. So I just say we have "fertility problems" or that we "require a lot of help getting pregnant." But I won't call us "infertile."

Like the other women have so eloquently stated, I don't think you need a title for who you are. But I can see how it would be tough not being able to easily characterize your situation. Not having a one-word identity. I see no problem with you calling yourself a "mom." Mothers who lose their 5 year-old children are still mothers. Mothers who lose a soldier-child in combat are still mothers. I don't think it matters when you suffered your loss. You carried a child, you loved that child, and you're a mother. End of story.
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  #18  
April 4th, 2013, 09:10 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Red Stick, Louisiana
Posts: 2,241
im sorry you are feeling this struggle. its not fair that we even have to think about these types of things. I am one of those people who doesnt really label myself. when people ask, I usually just say " getting pregnant doesnt come as easy for us." But when I do sit and think about it...the reality...i would consider US infertile. In our case. I seem to check out and DH just has motility issues. We have a child and Ive had an ectopic, so techinically i know it can be done, it just requires a little help...
I also considered myself a mother as soon as i knew I was pregnant with DD. Really, it is our job-as a mother- to care for that growing baby! I even consider my ectopic as a child-which i know might be far fetched.(but i do wonder what that baby would have been? how it would have fit in our family, etc) So you are most definitely a mom in all sense of the word.
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