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Don't understand my family...

Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance


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  • 1 Post By MandyEllen
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April 11th, 2013, 11:35 AM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 3,730
My family has had the weirdest reactions to my recent pregnancy and miscarriage.

Tom's family has always been amazing and they were super excited about the pregnancy, jumping and squealing and just really thrilled. Then after the loss they were all disappointed and sent love and hugs.

MY family though.
My mother said congratulations most calmly. That was all. (when I was pregnant)
My sister said. Well. that's nice. Why didn't you even tell me you were trying?? And then she was really mad at me to find I'd been trying for years and hadnt talked about it with her at all.

Then after my miscarriage, I told them both and my sister said something along the lines of 'oh that's too bad'. My mom actually said 'well, that happenned to me, and that's why you shouldn't tell anyone you're pregnant until four months'. (I understand that line of thought, but did she really want me not to tell her??)
They knew I was having surgery. Neither of them checked on me, called me, and neither of them has talked to me since (about 3 weeks now). Usually, we are close, and get in touch 2 or 3 times a week. They got together and had easter dinner without inviting us or even mentioning it.

I'm totally upset and confused about their reaction. Is this normal? Why are they avoiding me?

Why would my sister care if she knew we were infertile?

Do you guys have troubles with your family about infertility and loss if you've had one?
Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean

I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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April 11th, 2013, 12:30 PM
MandyEllen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,454
We didn't tell anyone at first (when doing IUIs). We decided that since I'd be under anethesia for the ER, I should tell my mom. She started talking about the "other embryos" that would be left over and how they are people too. What would I do with them? After none of the IVFs worked & we moved on to considering DE, my psychologist and I decided I would talk to my mother about it. My mom equated the loss of my fertilty to when she had my brother and wished he was a girl so she had to give up the fantasy of having 3 little girls like she had planned! UMMMM...BIG DIFFERENCE! Right then and there, I decided that I was NEVER talking to her about any of this stuff again.

I am so sorry that they are being distant to you. Sometimes people don't know what to say and don't say what we need to hear at the time. It plain old sucks. I'm a firm believer that until you go through this process, you most likely can't understand the toll it takes! I'm sorry for your loss and your family's reaction!
smsturner likes this.
Mandy (34)
6/29/13 - transferred 2 embryos
7/10/13 - 14 dpo beta=300
7/12/13 - 16 dpo beta=825
7/19/13 - 23 dpo beta=18,870
7/26/13 - 30 dpo beta=72,091

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April 11th, 2013, 12:40 PM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 3,730
Oh wow. What your mom said is not even close. I'm so sorry
Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean

I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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April 11th, 2013, 01:15 PM
melissaleigh's Avatar Unashamed POASer
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,221
Susan - Sorry your family is being more supportive and understanding. I haven't really experienced what you are going through but I just wanted to send you a hug and hope you feel better soon!!
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April 11th, 2013, 01:41 PM
*Leah*'s Avatar TTC the newfashioned way
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 3,522
Susan ((HUGS)). I just think some people don't know what it's like to go through IF and loss, so they can't relate or react appropriately. You'd think with your Mom's loss, she'd understand. But then again, maybe she got pg really easily and not that any loss is easy, but when you TTC for so long, and then have a loss, it's just so much more devastating (at least in my world it was).

I'm sorry they didn't even invite you to Easter dinner! Did they think you already had plans?

I guess just give them a call and try to open up the lines of communication (although, they SHOULD contact you first!) but some people just don't know where to begin or how to act when dealing with IF and loss.

I'm sorry, that on top of everything else, you are having to go through this ((HUGS))
TTC#1 since 10/2006, 5 failed IUI's, 1st IVF successful BFP!! Baby Girl 2/2011
TTC#2 BFP 9/2011, Natural Pregnancy! 3/30/12 M/C'd on 5/15/12 (9 weeks)
IVF#2 BFP 4/2013 M/C 6/2/13 (8 weeks)
FET #1 BFP 8/2013 - Chemical Pregnancy
IVF #3 - Retrieval Oct 31st, Txferred 2 on 5d - a Blast and Morula - Chemical Pregnancy
IVF #4 - ER scheduled for 4/4/14 retrieved 4 eggs. Txferred 3 embryos 4/7/14!....BFN...NOW WHAT?
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April 11th, 2013, 01:53 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 890
I'm so sorry. My husband's family let's us know that we are a disappointment because we are the first born and didn't have grandkids first. Also, if I were more of a girl this wouldn't be an issue. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this loss on top of everything else. *hugs*
hope anchors the soul
your body hears everything your mind says ... stay positive
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April 12th, 2013, 01:57 AM
Lucy S.'s Avatar POAS addict
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Bay area CA
Posts: 6,047
You need all the support you can get!
If you were close before, I would sit down one on one with each of them and try and figure it out. I have no idea why they would not be more supportive but maybe they don't know what you need?
Due with #3
10 IUIs= one confirmed /IVF= BFN / FET= / FET2= Baby!
My blog

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April 12th, 2013, 06:10 AM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 3,730
Thanks for the love ladies. I needed some. I called my mom last night to try and she totally avoided the subject. Who knows. Maybe she's sad because I'm sad and she doesn't want to make it worse?
Still peeved at my sis for her reaction to my infertility. I'll have to talk to her at some point.
I imagine it'll just be one of those things that i can't talk to them about.

I'm sorry starlite - that's the crappiest thing!!
Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean

I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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April 12th, 2013, 06:18 AM
*Whiskey*'s Avatar Blessed
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,744
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have anything to add but wanted to send hugs.
~ * ~ * ~ * Always believe that something good is going to happen * ~ * ~ * ~

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April 12th, 2013, 06:57 AM
kayakr's Avatar Persuaded by POAS’ers
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,779
I am glad you called your m mom. That is what I was going to suggest. Seriously though, it just comes down to they don't know how to respond.

You have to forgive them for being turds and love them anyways. Their love for you hasn't changed, they just don't have it in them to be supportive regarding what is going on with you. That doesn't mean they aren't supportive with other stuff they are more equipped to handle.

You have us... you can call me sis if you want. lol I will call you BFF cause my BFF sucks right now too.
Lucy S. likes this.
Me (43) DH(33) 12 years together - ttc our first together-I have 14yr old DS
Cycles 1-6 = BFN
Cycle 7 SA results abnormal morphology 2%, 50 mg clomid = BFN
Cycle 8 sonogram normal 50 mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 9 SA results abnormal morphology and motility. Count 200 mill, 100mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 10 natural = BFN
Cycle 11 hsg tubes clear, natural + trigger+IUI = BFN
Cycle 12 repronex + trigger + 2 IUI = BFN
Cycle 13 natural ovaries to stimulated for more meds = BFN
Cycle 14-22 natural cycle with Acupuncture and planning ivf/icsi/DE = ALL BFN
Cycle 23 Clomid 50 mg & Progesterone = BFN
Cycle 24 Natural = BFN
Cycle 25 BCP, SA result 7% morphology = BFN
Cycle 26 BCP and Lupron preparing for IVF
Cycle 27 IVF Acupuncture, DE Retrieval April 7, Transfer April 12 =
7 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized, 2 transferred - zero snow babies
BETA # 1 16DPO or 11dp5dt = 569
BETA # 2 19 DPO or 14dp5dt = 1078
BETA # 3 22DPO or 17dp5dt = 2414 TWINS!
BETA # 4 30DPO or 25dp5dt = 12,685 6weeks 3days 2 heartbeats! 114 & 116
Clayton and Colton Born @ 34 weeks 11/22/13
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April 12th, 2013, 09:05 AM
BabyBirdies's Avatar over the rainbow?
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Manhattan :)
Posts: 1,855
I'm sorry that that happened to you - particularly the part where they didn't invite you to Easter!

It sounds like they were feeling hurt - like this huge thing that you haven't been sharing with them, and that maybe they are feeling (or particularly your sister) feels like she was "cut out" for no reason, so she's trying to do it back? I'm not sure exactly.

My parents also went through infertility, so it was really interesting to watch their reaction - it clearly brought up every memory they ever had of it. (don't worry - our issue is not genetic - my mom had PCOS and I am a pretty reliable ovulater, at least) I think it has allowed them to be more supportive of us, but I know most people have no idea how to react

Thanks Jaidynsmum for the siggy!
My fertility blog: Only Infertile

NTNP since March 2012, TTC since August 2012, HSG = one blocked tube, SA = normal, 1st RE 7/11 - took a zillion tests, 2nd RE appt = Tubal issue with PCOS tendencies, possible polyp, August 2013 - possible polyp, September 2013 - new job, insurance change! January 2014 - new insurance, March 2014 - new RE appointment, then surprise BFP!

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April 12th, 2013, 03:27 PM
swtneka's Avatar Praying for a miracle
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Hattiesburg, Ms
Posts: 7,703
I agree most don't know how to respond cuz they never been through it and even when u been through it you never know exactly what to say or not to say. I don't discuss my infertility with nobody cuz I honestly believe that they don't understand. The few that knew bout the mc said they were sorry blah blah and then say well it will happen again don't worry about it. "don't worry about it" ugh if only its that simple. They think bc I have 2 other kids that "hey its not like you cant get pregnant" I feel as though I have no one talk to cuz no one understands. I know that its on God time and not mines and let go let God but every now and then it stings and I wonder why me. My sister has fertility problems as well but everytime we talk about it she says "at least you have kids" So I stopped talking to her cuz I don't like feeling that my infertility shouldn't sting because I already have kids. It hurts dam it... Im in tears writing this cuz I keep it all bottled up. Especially since now I have this illness that could keep me from ever giving my husband a child of his own. Im sorry that is all...
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Thanks bonnie for my siggie

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April 13th, 2013, 01:58 AM
onlybygrace's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,045
Sorry I'm late to respond.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

I also think they just dont know what to say. Hopefully you find some peace in this situation soon.

Not without the grace of heaven were you born and bred - Homer, The Odyssey

TTC our 1st since June 2011

6 cycles of Clomid, 2 cycles injectables, 5 IUIs: ALL BFNs

IVF #1: Starting 5th March 2013 - Praying for my 1st ever BFP!

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