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  #1  
February 7th, 2007, 08:14 AM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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So after my beta was pretty low 2 days ago, I took another HPT this morning so that I'd know what to expect when I go in for my next beta today... and it was pretty much negative. So yeah. Now I'm just waiting for the clinic to confirm what I already know... this isn't going to happen, not this time. There aren't words to express how sad I am. That BFP was such a tease. Now I'm just not sure what the next step is going to be... I'm not sure I want to keep doing IVF - it's just too hard. I'm thinking about maybe doing IUI with donor sperm or something. I just don't know. I'm totally beginning to lose all hope. People keep saying "you're so young, it'll happen", but it's NOT happening. And I don't think my age is going to be the limiting factor here... I just don't think that mentally and emotionally I can keep doing this. And now DH is moving in a week and a half, so if I cycle again I'll be doing it all alone, and I don't think I can do that. I thought that this would get easier, but it's not. Anyway, I said I'd keep you all posted, so I think that's about it. Thanks for letting me vent... I just don't know what else to do right now.
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  #2  
February 7th, 2007, 08:21 AM
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Sweetie, I don't know everything you have been through being that I am pretty new to this board BUT I do understand the struggles of ttc. It is so hard to be let down over & over again. Maybe taking some time off from ttc will help you find a new vigor for trying again. It is so hard to deal w/ it all that a break may be exactly what you need. I'm sorry you didn't get the results you so desperately wanted. My prayers are w/ you!
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  #3  
February 7th, 2007, 08:56 AM
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I'm so sorry it turned out this way hun. When you start out TTC nobody ever tells you how draining it can be; emotionally, physically, and financially. After a while, it gets to be overwelming and all consuming. Sometimes a break is just the thing you need. To clear you mind, recharge your batteries, and reconnect with your DH. It's hard and it's soooooo not fair that it's so easy for many people, and such a struggle for those who really want kids.

Vent, cry, scream...let it out. We're here for you.

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  #4  
February 7th, 2007, 10:25 AM
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aww sweetie I'm sooo sorry. That BFP was SUCH a tease! Are you sure that you are out of the game? I don't understand much of the IUI and beta testing stuff. And where the heck is DH moving to? Well anyways, I will be praying for you.
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  #5  
February 7th, 2007, 12:02 PM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Well, it's official now... my beta dropped from 32 to 8. We're going to meet with the RE on Monday to discuss our options. She thinks that there might be something genetically wrong with the sperm, so if we continue with IVF, we should probably do another fresh cycle and do genetic testing on the embryos. I think we're not going to do that. At this time, I think we're going to try IUI with donor sperm. I just can't keep doing all this IVF stuff... it's too much, too hard, and too heartbreaking. Anyway, we're supposed to look at this sperm bank online and see what we think... now I get to deal with trying to find a new father for my children. I keep trying to find the positive in all this, but I can't. There just isn't anything.
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  #6  
February 7th, 2007, 12:41 PM
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Eva,

I am so very sorry for your bad news today... it's gut wrenching, I know.

IVF is brutal, there's not candy coating to be put on it and I know there are really no words that will make you feel better right now, so just yell and scream and vent and do what ever you need to do to deal with this.

I'm going to throw out some advice right now which you can save for later or completely disregard if you want.

First off, give yourself time to grieve before you start to face the very difficult question of what to do next in your TTC journey. There are still options out there for you, it's just too overwhelming right now to be able to even consider them.

I know a bit about your situation from earlier messages... are you considering freezing DH's sperm so that it's there should you decide to try IVF in future? It may be worth thinking about and wouldn't require you to make any big decisions right now.

Also, do you have any other embryos frozen? I seem to recall you had several, but can't quite remember.

One other thing to consider and maybe ask your RE is, why are they assuming genetic issues with DH's sperm? You've had 1 failed fresh cycle and 1 chemical pg, it seems to be a bit of a stretch to me to jump to that conculsion right now. And if it is a genetic issue, I believe they can test that from your DH and not have to test the embryos (I'm no doc, but I'd ask).

I know it's a lot right now, but I wanted to throw this out there for you in case you think it would be of help to you.

Again, I am so very sorry you're having to go through with this. Life just is not fair at times. Hang in there though, you're a great person and you will get through this.
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  #7  
February 7th, 2007, 01:52 PM
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Eva, i am so, so sorry. Words cannot express.
You have been through so much in such a short time.
I think you should take some time to think things through fully.
Maybe in a few mths, you can face IVF again and get those embies tested.
Maybe it was 'just one of those things' and DH's sperm is ok to use for future IVF.
I can't imagine being in this terrible situation, but i know how heartbreaking it must be.


I am here if you need to PM me.

((HUGS))

Sarah
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  #8  
February 7th, 2007, 02:24 PM
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Eva, I am so sorry that your Beta did not double. I have no words that will make you feel better. I wish I was there to give you a hug. I just hope that you let yourself grieve, take some time for yourself, and unfair as it may seem, please remember that TTC can be a long and hard road for some of us. In the end something good will come out of this, I promise!

I am also with Gillian, I would think that the doctors would test your DH's sperm for genetic defects and not the embryos.


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  #9  
February 7th, 2007, 03:08 PM
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On Monday when we meet with the RE we'll talk about what sorts of genetic testing she's thinking about. But I think either way, it'll still involve a fresh IVF cycle, which at this point I'm not willing to do. I'm not giving up on IVF forever, but I think for a while. I want to try IUI... from what I hear, it's SO much easier, faster, etc. If we can find a suitable donor, I think that's the route we're going to take. We DO still have 7 frozen embryos, but the last 8 weeks of my frozen cycle have been so brutal that I'm not really sure I want to have another 8 weeks of that. Even though the embryos are already *there*, there's still all the shots, and it's still a LONG process. I think I just need a change of pace.
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  #10  
February 7th, 2007, 03:16 PM
Astrid's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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A change of pace can be very good when dealing w/ infertility. We went through the same thing. 8 months of trying w/ 4 cycles on Clomid & no results. It took going to an RE, 3 months of not ttcing, to find out the issue. PCO w/ Insulin Resistance is the culprit in our case. Now I am ready to go w/ an IUI & meds cycle BUT no go. They want to get the insulin levels in check & then we can do the cycle. It is so frustrating b/c you want to have the baby now. My heart is breaking for you. Hopefully the donor sperm option will pave the way to a healthy baby. I know how difficult the decision is but I don't blame you at all for deciding to take this avenue.
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  #11  
February 7th, 2007, 03:24 PM
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Eva I am so sorry to hear this news. I don't know a lot about IVF but I thought Gillian's advice sounded good. Also, it sounds that we have something in common...it's the need for a plan. One we can focus on and be all about...because if we don't, if we just grieve and do nothing we go crazy? I know that's how I am. I hope that whatever your decision is, it leads to a baby very soon. (((Eva)))
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  #12  
February 7th, 2007, 03:31 PM
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Hey Eva, even if you DO end up using a donor sperm, that babies is only gonna have ONE father!! And he will love him very much.
I'm so proud of you for staying as positive as you are! You will be a great momma some day, no doubt!!
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  #13  
February 7th, 2007, 04:26 PM
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  #14  
February 7th, 2007, 05:52 PM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks for all your support, ladies. Today has been a very emotionally charged day. I don't believe I'm over this loss just yet, but I'm feeling a lot better now than I was a few hours ago. Maybe it's the 3/4 bottle of wine I've drank... maybe it's talking with my parents, who are both willing to fly in from NY (I'm in Chicago) to visit me if I start feeling lonely... maybe it's DH baking cookies for us right now... but I've at least stopped crying (for now). Now I'm just waiting for AF to show... I think it's going to be pretty brutal, physically, I mean. I've got tons of advil on hand, just in case.

Yeah, it definitely helps me to have a plan in mind. If I don't have a plan, then I just start thinking that it's never going to happen. As for our frozen embryos and stuff... since genetic testing has to be done before they reach the 5-day mark, it would require a fresh cycle to do that testing. My RE is pretty aggressive, which I like... she doesn't like to just sit back and wait to see what happens. Given that we're young and healthy, she thinks we should have had better results from the 5 embryos we've had transferred, which is why she thinks it might not be the best idea to just keep using the embryos we still have frozen. I'm not against using them, just not right now. I think IUI will give me more hope right now since we can just completely remove all the male factor issues from the equation. So yeah, it's helping me just to know that we have a new plan and hopefully it'll be less painful.

So, have you ladies done IUI before? Can you tell me how it works? What is the usual protocol for it? I'm just hoping it's shorter than the IVF protocol.
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  #15  
February 7th, 2007, 07:17 PM
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For me it was a pretty easy IUI cycle. I went in for a scan at cd3 then began clomid days 3-7, took OPK's from cd 10 on...got a positive at day 12, went in for IUI on cd 13 and cd14. now just waiting on AF or a BFP this Sunday.

I know some women though have to do a lot more meds/and some shots. It depends on if you O on your own or if there are any other underlying conditions (ie PCOS).

I wish you the best with whatever road you choose.
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  #16  
February 7th, 2007, 10:04 PM
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Quote:
Given that we're young and healthy, she thinks we should have had better results from the 5 embryos we've had transferred, which is why she thinks it might not be the best idea to just keep using the embryos we still have frozen.[/b]
I'm glad you're starting to feel a bit better, Eva. It sounds like you have an excellent support system too!

I wanted to throw out a little tidbit that triggered when I read this comment of yours above. Again feel free to use or ignore at your discretion - I'm no expert, just sharing experiences.

In one of my consults with my RE, she indicated that the higher success rates in fresh cycles over FET are not just because of issues with freezing/thawing necessarily (although some of that is there), but because they transfer the "higher quality" embryos first and freeze the rest. And subsequently, thaw the next best first and the "worst" ones for last. So, in theory, if you were going to get a BFP, it would be on the earlier cycles. However, she said that this is not really the case because even with all the technology they have, they have actually made very little inroads on detecting success vs. quality in embryos and this is evident in the statistics that a pg rate with IVF is really no higher then a perfectly healthy couple doing it au naturel. She went on to point out that I was a good example of this because my first pg was off of the last of my embryos and my 2nd pg was FET as well. Of course they both ended in m/c, so who the heck knows.

It sounds like you're coming up with a good plan and I agree with Norina, the plan, whatever it is, brings a certain amount of comfort all on it's own. And the change of pace is probably also a very good idea as well. Good luck, my thoughts are definitely with you right now.
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  #17  
February 8th, 2007, 04:41 AM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks Gillian, and everyone else. This just kinda comes in waves... I woke up super depressed this morning. Not crying... just sorta numb. It's like, I want to cry, but there's nothing left.

And I guess to clarify, my RE is not AGAINST us using the rest of our frozen embryos. She just said that it's at this point she'd start to get concerned and perhaps do further testing. I think it's more ME that doesn't want to use them right now. I'm not a waiting type of person... I don't want to take a long break and then go back to trying... but I don't want to do IVF right now either. So I think right now, I'm the driving factor for trying IUI at this point, not my RE. We have to find out more about it, and what she thinks the success rate will be with that compared to IVF. I just think it's going to take me a while to regain faith in IVF... right now, it's just not there. And I'm not sure I'm willing to go through 8 weeks of something I have no faith in.

Here's the good news for the day... with all the eating, crying, and not working out I've been doing over the last 3 weeks... I haven't gained weight this cycle. Now I just have to try to work off the weight I gained from my first IVF cycle. I'm trying to see the positives here... it's not easy.
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  #18  
February 8th, 2007, 05:37 AM
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I'm so sorry I missed this yesterday and wasn't able to offer any assistance. I hope you are feeling better today. Like one of the girls said, your baby will have ONE father and it is your DH. You guys will make a wonderful family and I'll be sending out positive prayers and sticky vibes for IUI.
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  #19  
February 8th, 2007, 03:53 PM
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Im really sorry for what you are going through!
I personally have not done IVF but ive heard how hard it is to go through it and not have it work.

Im working on my 2nd IUI cycle and this is how mine goes.

Cycle day 3-7 i take clomid 2x daily
Cycle day 8-12 i take one estrogen pill vaginally 1x a day
Cycle day 12 or 13 i have a sonogram to see if my eggs are mature if they are i get a HCG trigger shot, and the next day is our IUI.

It is alot simpler than IVF and the sucess rates are pretty decent for as little as you have to go through. I know some women take injections during their cycles if they dont respond well to clomid. For me I ovulate on my own and RE said i responded great, better than what they actually need. I also had 3 eggs release my first cycle.... but my DH has a low count so it makes it hard for us to get preg.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you chose!
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