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Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
June 18th, 2007, 09:04 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 3,145
Yes these are the words that came out of my mothers mouth tonight when I was telling her about the houses I have been looking at.
Just a little background: I've been financially responsible for my mother since I 18. So she has always said when dh and I buy a house she was going to move down here and live with us, not happy about that but it's for the best so I don't really have to maintain 2 households at once.
So this afternoon I told mom that I was looking at houses and she got all depressed on the phone and hung up. She called back tonite @ 11:30 to tell me why she was upset. She said she was worried why I was having this "nesting" instinct to buy a house at 24 years old. She then said her first thought was "Oh God, I hope she's not pregnant". Am I that bad of a person? I am so upset now. My mother who was the worst mother known to man actually tells me she's praying to God that I am not pregnant? Seriously, she once told me she didn't love me and wished I was never born and she told me this when we weren't even fighting. Now I have to take care of her because I have no siblings, no father, and no one else can do it, but I'm not supposed to have children? What the hell?!?!?
You'd think she would be happy that I turned out the way I did and not some crack head. I put myself through college, I've married the greatest man ever, and now I want to buy a home and the only thing she can do is get depressed cause she thinks I'm pregnant?
This is why we have told NO ONE we are ttc. She can only think of herself and just not be happy for me. Maybe that is why we aren't pg yet - God knows I share genes with my mom and that I won't be a good mom.
Seriously, if James and I get pg, is that the worst thing that could happen to us? According to my mother I guess so
Thanks ladies, I just have no one else to talk to about this.
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  #2  
June 18th, 2007, 09:19 PM
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OK popping in to check on everyone and I HAVE to reply to this.
First of all... NO You are NOT a bad person for wanting a kid and SHE should only be so lucky as to know the feeling of WANTING and LOVING A child like we all do! I am having some issues with my folks right now as well, but nothing as serious as yours so I won't go there... what I WILL say is this: Only child or not- You do NOT have to take responsibility to care for her or provide for her if she will not be a supportive positive person in your life! (Unless you've been court ordered). I don't know WHY you are responsible for her or why she can't take over for herself, but in my opinion... just based on what I read... I'd be telling her to find someone else to care for her if she wasn't willing to support my dreams NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE. Also, if she isn't a good mother- she doesn't want you to be (or get) pregnant- will she be a good grandmother or role model for your child? I wouldn't so much as have her anywhere NEAR my kid!
I don't know what to say to help you out right now other than that NO! You are not at fault for anything. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to buy a house - pregnant or not! It is an AWESOME investment take if from a 27 year old who owns her 3rd house... I don't believe in paying rent. To me, that is like throwing money out the window! I bought my first house with inheritance money at 19 years old! THAT money from selling it, helped me buy a nicer home, and selling THAT one helped me to buy the one I am in now. I DO advise buying a home!
I seriously think that this stress between you and your mother will only hurt your relationship MORE, tear into your relationship with James, and cause added stress that will further enable your TTC trouble! I don't think it is healthy for you.
Just my 2cents... hope it helps a little.
GOOOOOOD LUCK!
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  #3  
June 18th, 2007, 09:50 PM
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she sounds ridiculous. if you are in a great relationship and looking to buy a house something tells me you are mature and responsible enough to raise a child.

I bet she just doesnt want you to because you'll have less money for her.
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  #4  
June 19th, 2007, 04:53 AM
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Ack, what a horrible situation for you to have to live with that type of mother, I'm so sorry!

First off, you're absolutely not doing the wrong thing here. I think it's great that you're looking to buy a house so young - the younger you can manage it the better. My DH and I bought ours when I was 22 and he was 24 and it was paid off 13 years later. Mortgage free before 40 is by no means dumb, you're setting yourself and your family up for a great future!

I don't know what your mother's problem is... jealous, selfish, maybe both. You're a saint for being willing to take her in with you, I'm not so sure I would do the same in your position. If there is any possible way at all to keep her in her own home, that would be the ideal situation for you.
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  #5  
June 19th, 2007, 07:32 AM
~Sandy~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Ok, first tell me WHY you are supporting a grown woman. Then I will answer k....lol
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  #6  
June 19th, 2007, 07:45 AM
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Wow sweetie, just look at the maternal instinct you have already shown by taking care of your own mother for 6 years. That is above and beyond IMO. I think you are doing everything right - buying a home at 24 is awesome. Gosh I was 30 before we bought this place and it is by no means close to being paid off.

I think what she said to you was selfish and uncalled for. She is only concerned about herself and what you have been providing her with, not about how YOU feel or how YOU want to build YOUR own future. Not fair at all.

Big hugs to you - just because you share genes doesn't mean you share the same values
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  #7  
June 19th, 2007, 08:35 AM
angeleyes's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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What a freakin' TERRIBLE thing to say! As if TTC is not hard as it is without a so called "mother" there being very unsupportive. I'm sorry, but you are in not responsible for her! A good mother would not look for you to do for her. A good mother would understand your desire to have a child of your own and be there for you and not the other way around. And as far as genes goes, that's only DNA! It has nothing to do with your heart and spirit.....which appear to have a big heart and a loving/forgiving spirit.

Don't give her another ounce of your energy. Let all of that be directed to DH, getting your baby, and finding a beautiful home for them. Let her fit in where she can get in!
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  #8  
June 19th, 2007, 11:04 AM
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Thank so much ladies. After lots of crying and anger I've just decided to not answer her phone calls. She only calls when she wants something like $ so it could be months before I hear from her again.
The thing is if I don't give her the $ she will take advantage of my gramma and I can't have that. I would give up everything for my gramma, she's like my real mom anyways. That's why I'm paying for my mom's car now, she used one of my gram's credit cards to buy it at a time when my mom was actually doing good. Then she went back into one of her depression states and stopped paying on it and so it was about to go into collections in my gram's name. I'd rather her take advantage of me rather than my gram. When we move home in a few years I'll have more control over the prob and mom will probably be out on her @ss then. So until we move home I'm stuck being an enabler.

I am going to take your guys' advice and focus on dh, ttc, and buying a house. I don't have the extra energy right now anyways to baby her. I just wish she would grow up
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  #9  
June 19th, 2007, 11:23 AM
~Sandy~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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What does your gramma think of all this?? I suppose I might not be the best person to give advice, I have been burned lots in the past with helping out relatives and friends. And throughout all of them, in the end I needed to cut them off completely. As long as you give they will take. No amount of "I will pay you back" or "I feel so bad about this", or " Just two more weeks" will ever make any bit of difference. It is a personality trait that these type of people have. Heck my cousin is 34 and still owes me over 5 grand, for buying his kids school clothes, paying his electric bills, paying for food, deoderant etc. and each time he would make me feel like I had to do it or his kids would be without x, y, or z. And after a bit, I even let him move in with us...that lasted 5 weeks, and then he was out. He will still to this day call me, to pick up some stuff for him so he can pass a drug test, or cut his hair, or drive him to the movies. I just hang up on him. And you know what he just goes and does it to someone else, my aunt, my grandma, my own mother. Yeah I feel bad about his situation, but it took me a long time to realize that he would not ever change and that I was "poisoning" my life by carrying his burden. Can your gramma take the car back?? It is in her name right?? If not can she just ask for the car to be repo'd, or maybe just finish paying off the car and then be done. I most definately would not let her move in with you EVER unless she was invalid. Can you imagine what you would have to pay for and take care of then?? True she is your mother, but then again she had her time to grow up and be a family, what she did with it was her decision. Now it is your turn, and it would be best to make it happy and the way you want it. After that car is figured out, you should cut her off. Force her to fend for herself and ask your gramma to do the same. A new house, a new baby, a new marriage, notice the word NEW there. It is time for a NEW beginning without stressors like that Charity....kwim
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  #10  
June 19th, 2007, 11:53 AM
lizm75's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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^ What Sandy said.
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  #11  
June 19th, 2007, 03:16 PM
Astrid's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Wow, I just want to give you a huge hug & tell you everything is going to be all right. Ignoring your mom sounds like the best thing to do right now along w/ talking to your gramma. Apparently she needs to be clued in to what is going on. Also, have her sell your mom's car. See what happens when she does that! Maybe your mom will pay a bit of attention to what she is doing to you both. Personally, no one whould be allowed to come into my home acting like that nor would they be welcome to call me.

This is such an unfortunate situation. You deserve to have a strong mom that will help you through your ttc journey rather than bash you for "wanting" to be pg & buying a house...God forbid, at the same time *insert sarcasm*. I am so very sorry!
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  #12  
June 19th, 2007, 03:25 PM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think buying a house so young is very mature and shows how stable you are in your life right now!! Dh and I just bough our first home in April and Im 23!
I think you will be a great mother ! Not many people would have it in thier hearts to take care of a mother that is as selfish and mean as your mother. I totally agree with Sandy. If you let her move she will make you miserable. Look how she made you feel just with a phone conversation.
I advise only speaking to her when absolutley necessary.
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