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frustrated - m/c and child mentioned


Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
September 29th, 2007, 04:02 AM
mamamerle's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: dallas, texas
Posts: 539
I will apologize now that this post is just a lot of whining and ranting, but I have received more support here on this board than anywhere else online or in real life. I know a lot of you have been in my shoes. It's nice to talk with someone that truly understands. So, thank you for letting me get this out.

A little background. I'll be 37 in November. DH is 29. I have a 5-yr-old daughter from my first marriage. She was a complete surprise. I had been told years ago that I couldn't have children. At the time I wasn't concerned because I didn't see children in my future. I got pregnant, but was sure it wouldn't stick. I had m/c before. But lo and behold, here she is and I wouldn't trade her for the world. Her father and I were TTC another when our marriage fell apart. I had accepted she would be on only child.

Fast forward to now...I am remarried to a wonderful man that wants children. We discussed it before we got married and I told him I'd do whatever I had to to give him children. I love him so much. DH also told me that if our little family is just him, me and my DD, he's fine with that. But I know he wants kids of his own and I want to give that to him... whatever I have to go through to do it.

We'd had two m/c before I was referred to my RE. I've been tested and poked, checked out and examined. The only thing they could find was I'm a Factor 5 carrier. Baby asprin a day should take care of that.

I've done one 50mg round of Clomid. That produced a couple of follicles, but we triggered a little early and my body just wasn't ready. You see, DH travels a lot for work, so it's tricky anyway. BFN. No worries. I was bumped up to 100mg. One mature follicle triggered, timed intercourse was good. I was a little surprised when that resulted in BFN. OK, round three. 100mg again, but still only one follicle. We ended up skipping that cycle because DH got poison ivy and it spread *everywhere*. Umm... yeah, I don't want poison ivy *there*. Now I'm starting to get frustrated.

My RE had me do another round of 100mg Clomid, then added Gonal-F injections. Holy crap, did that stir things up. I had seven mature follicles when we triggered. This should work! I was thinking twins! My progesterone level was over 40. Timing wasn't perfect (see current chart), but seven follicles... we should catch one, right? During the 2WW my body was giving me some symptoms that would indicate pregnancy, but I reminded myself that I had been pumping my body full of hormones. I waited until 14dpo to test. I was stunned to see BFN. I broke down and sobbed. How could we have missed it?

I've tried to stay hopeful during this entire ordeal, but I am starting to crack. I see myself turning into 'one of those women'. It is starting to frustrate me when I hear that someone is pregnant. Unless I know they have struggled, I'm feeling bitter. That is so not like me. And it's so not right. I actually considered not taking DD to a birthday party this upcoming weekend because the mother just announced she's pregnant again. I know they planned to have four children, and this is baby #4. I should be thrilled for her! What is wrong with me?

I am thankful for the board because only two people IRL know we are seriously TTC. And they don't really understand where I'm coming from. I try not to ramble on when they do ask 'how's it going'. I even try to keep things in check with DH. He is supportive, but I find myself getting upset at him that he's not feeling the same way I am, and that's not fair. He deals with things differently than I do. So, I end up bottling up a lot of emotions.

Needless to say we are sitting out this cycle. I can't take another month of the emotional roller coaster. Of course skipping a cycle worries me because of my age. What if none of this will ever work? What if all my eggs are too aged? What if... I could think of a thousand things. I never saw myself being so willing to take fertility meds, and I never imagined I'd inject myself with anything, but here I am.

I don't know why I'm posting. Maybe just to hear I'm not alone. (Which I know I'm not.) Maybe I'm looking for advice of how to deal. What makes you go on? How do you deal with the emotional strain? Where do we draw the line? How do I make it through this?

If you made it through all my rambling, thank you. It means a lot to me that someone cares. Especially someone that's walked in my shoes.
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mama to grace 12.11.01, cady 8.11.08 and ada 8.3.11
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  #2  
September 29th, 2007, 06:57 AM
FruitLoopLace's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I just want you to know I am here, and I made it through your post because I care. I do understand, I Have the same thoughts,same frustrations and same bitterness. I only tell myself I have to go on, because my srcond husband(got married last november) has no children and I have to atleast give him one. It will be his first. So yes I am worried that it wont happen. I will be here cheering you on when you are back on the sadle! and while you are not, I will be here to support that desion and understand we all need TIME sometimes. Its okay,we all have emtions, and ty so much for sharing yours! See you never know if your post is the one that might make another woman feel SHE is not alone also, and that it is okay to feel the emotions you have to go through! SO here is it you and if you would like! here is some babydust for next time!!
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  #3  
September 29th, 2007, 07:15 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
mammamerle,

i know how you feel. i have never been pregnant. my ex and i tried for about 2 years and nada. then he cheated on me with a woman who was a close friend of mine, needless to say we split up, they had a baby almost immediately. now they are expecting #2. makes me want to vomit. current DH and i have been together for 4 yrs, married for nearly 2 and we've been trying for about 3 and nothing. i'm almost 33 and he's 48, so we know we cannot try forever. DH has no children either but he would like some. he says if its not in the cards, oh well, but its easier said than done. he's 15 yrs older than me, and i have no siblings, so when i'm an old lady i will probably be all alone if we have no kids. sometimes i start thinking of all that and its a rapid downward spiral of bawling.

all that being said, i'm sorry you're down, i know where you're coming from, for me, i just get down, have my pity party and then i'm all better. so i wish that for you as well. once you get it out, its like a weight has been lifted.

good luck to you.

liz
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Me-33-Liz
DH-48

Started TTC October 2005
TTC w/MA starting May 2007
April 2007-DH SA all normal
May 2007-Clomid - BFN
June 2007-Clomid w/HCG Trigger & IUI- BFN
July 2007-Clomid w/HCG Trigger &IUI-BFN
August 2007-Clomid - BFN
October 2007-Gonal-F w/HCG Trigger & IUI - BFN




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  #4  
September 29th, 2007, 08:02 AM
Angel_Maker
Guest
Posts: n/a
Quote:
I will apologize now that this post is just a lot of whining and ranting, but I have received more support here on this board than anywhere else online or in real life. I know a lot of you have been in my shoes. It's nice to talk with someone that truly understands. So, thank you for letting me get this out.

A little background. I'll be 37 in November. DH is 29. I have a 5-yr-old daughter from my first marriage. She was a complete surprise. I had been told years ago that I couldn't have children. At the time I wasn't concerned because I didn't see children in my future. I got pregnant, but was sure it wouldn't stick. I had m/c before. But lo and behold, here she is and I wouldn't trade her for the world. Her father and I were TTC another when our marriage fell apart. I had accepted she would be on only child.

Fast forward to now...I am remarried to a wonderful man that wants children. We discussed it before we got married and I told him I'd do whatever I had to to give him children. I love him so much. DH also told me that if our little family is just him, me and my DD, he's fine with that. But I know he wants kids of his own and I want to give that to him... whatever I have to go through to do it.

We'd had two m/c before I was referred to my RE. I've been tested and poked, checked out and examined. The only thing they could find was I'm a Factor 5 carrier. Baby asprin a day should take care of that.

I've done one 50mg round of Clomid. That produced a couple of follicles, but we triggered a little early and my body just wasn't ready. You see, DH travels a lot for work, so it's tricky anyway. BFN. No worries. I was bumped up to 100mg. One mature follicle triggered, timed intercourse was good. I was a little surprised when that resulted in BFN. OK, round three. 100mg again, but still only one follicle. We ended up skipping that cycle because DH got poison ivy and it spread *everywhere*. Umm... yeah, I don't want poison ivy *there*. Now I'm starting to get frustrated.

My RE had me do another round of 100mg Clomid, then added Gonal-F injections. Holy crap, did that stir things up. I had seven mature follicles when we triggered. This should work! I was thinking twins! My progesterone level was over 40. Timing wasn't perfect (see current chart), but seven follicles... we should catch one, right? During the 2WW my body was giving me some symptoms that would indicate pregnancy, but I reminded myself that I had been pumping my body full of hormones. I waited until 14dpo to test. I was stunned to see BFN. I broke down and sobbed. How could we have missed it?

I've tried to stay hopeful during this entire ordeal, but I am starting to crack. I see myself turning into 'one of those women'. It is starting to frustrate me when I hear that someone is pregnant. Unless I know they have struggled, I'm feeling bitter. That is so not like me. And it's so not right. I actually considered not taking DD to a birthday party this upcoming weekend because the mother just announced she's pregnant again. I know they planned to have four children, and this is baby #4. I should be thrilled for her! What is wrong with me?

I am thankful for the board because only two people IRL know we are seriously TTC. And they don't really understand where I'm coming from. I try not to ramble on when they do ask 'how's it going'. I even try to keep things in check with DH. He is supportive, but I find myself getting upset at him that he's not feeling the same way I am, and that's not fair. He deals with things differently than I do. So, I end up bottling up a lot of emotions.

Needless to say we are sitting out this cycle. I can't take another month of the emotional roller coaster. Of course skipping a cycle worries me because of my age. What if none of this will ever work? What if all my eggs are too aged? What if... I could think of a thousand things. I never saw myself being so willing to take fertility meds, and I never imagined I'd inject myself with anything, but here I am.

I don't know why I'm posting. Maybe just to hear I'm not alone. (Which I know I'm not.) Maybe I'm looking for advice of how to deal. What makes you go on? How do you deal with the emotional strain? Where do we draw the line? How do I make it through this?

If you made it through all my rambling, thank you. It means a lot to me that someone cares. Especially someone that's walked in my shoes.[/b]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've told my story several times in different forums throughout JM....but I feel compelled to share it with you.....hopefully it will give you the strength to carry on....

DH and I decided to start TTC in Sept. of 2006.....I had a feeling that things weren't going to move along quickly, but DH insisted "he would get the job done"....by January, I still hadn't seen AF (but was getting BFNs) so I made a trip to the doc.....they diagnosed me with PCOS and I was prescribed meds......so after 9 emotional months of TTC, I found out I was pregnant on Mothers Day.....the clomid had worked on the first try.....

I was on cloud nine....my pregnancy was going perfect--absolutely flawless.....I'd go for an U/S...and they'd say "yep one healthy baby"...I'd leave with a smile and call EVERYONE to tell them about my appt....

At 12 1/2 weeks I went in for a NT scan.....it's supposed to test for things like Down Syndrome and other chromosome abnormalities.....honestly, the only reason I opted to have it done was because I wanted another U/S.....

Within minutes of starting the U/S, the tech. saw something that didn't look right and called in the doctor.....within seconds....our hopes and dreams came crashing down.....I was pregnant with conjoined twins.....for the last 3 months I walked around *thinking* that everything was fine....and now the doctor was telling me that my babies were going to die.....no matter what....I was crushed....I am still crushed.....

I was given the option to abort my babies (via D&C) that day, but I refused....my babies (who shared a heart and a head) STILL had a heartbeat and I was not about to let someone cut my babies into pieces....

I told them that I was willing to be induced and give birth to my babies (the way all babies are intended to be born)

At first the doctors refused and said that induction wasn't an option, but I resisted, and they finally gave in....

They told me that I had to carry the babies until at least 16 weeks in order for them to be delivered successfully....

So that's what I did...I walked about pregnant for 3 more weeks *knowing* that my babies were going to die...

On Aug 3, 2007-I gave birth to my "sleeping" miracles Asher and Noah....they were the most beautiful babies I have ever seen....

There are still days that I don't even want to get out of bed.....some days I just lay in bed and cry until my whole body aches....

I know how it feels to be bitter...to feel like EVERYONE else in the world is pregnant and you're not....and it's ok to be bitter....we're human.

I've turned down many baby shower invites since I found out about my boys.....and my friends UNDERSTAND why it's hard for me....

Just maintain your faith that IT WILL HAPPEN for you.....that's what I have to do....I have two miracles in Heaven...but I KNOW that those aren't the only children I'm meant to have in my lifetime...and I feel strongly that God will bless me again....

I *KNOW* he will bless you too.....

Good luck hun, we're ALL here for you.....
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  #5  
September 29th, 2007, 08:46 AM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 8,635
We have been ttc for almost 4 years now with one unexpected miracle pregnancy along the way that ended in miscarriage in January. Ever since then I refuse to go to baby showers or be even the tiniest bit happy for someone who is pregnant in real life. My SIL is pregnant and I have to force a big fat happy smile for her because she is my brothers wife.

My true friends understand that I can not share in their happiness like I should and I hate being that way but I'm too
broken and hurt to be any other way. The only way i deal with any of it is coming on here because even my dh is to the point where enough is enough of my rantings

I completly understand how you are feeling and I hope that your ttc journey leads you to a bfp soon!
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  #6  
September 29th, 2007, 08:47 AM
Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 179
I am here to offer support too. At times I admit that I am bitter, especially when I see women whom I know would be giving birth around my delivery dates and I won't because I m/c'd early. I think the bitterness and resentfulness happens because we are all human. It's not an easy road but we walk it and one day we will get our BFP.

Best of luck!
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  #7  
September 29th, 2007, 08:56 AM
TheyGrowLikeWeeds's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
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I know it's frustrating. What amazes me is that when I do talk about it (which is often), it seems to be almost every time another woman that has been through some difficulties in getting pregnant or keeping her pregnancies. I am one of those that can't seem to keep a pregnancy for more than the early first trimester.

I can't stand it! It is really difficult to see another woman who seems to have babies just by thinking about it. To be honest with you. I'm happy for anyone that has a baby and wants the baby. What upsets me are those who accidentally get pregnant (whether they chose not to use any protection, or it's truly an accident), have a child and then mistreat that child because they blame the child for changing their lives. That's the only time it really upsets me about other women having babies and I can't.

What keeps me going is just knowing that this is one goal I plan on accomplishing without a fight. I have reached the end of my funds for this attempt. We may be able to save up if we want to try again, but it does help for someone as stubborn like me, to actually put a limit to trying. From here on out, I may try either a normal newborn adoption, or an egg adoption. I just feel like it's best I not try for a baby of our genes if it appears to not be working and then I run out of my original dream and that is being a mother before 40. I already passed the first goal of being a mom before 30, and at this rate, I'm probably not going to be a mom before I'm 35. I'm 34 now. If this IVF doesn't work, then I'll definitely not get that goal. Egg adoption is less expensive than a live adoption, but in some states, you can make your money back with a live adoption. You still have to go through the home visits and seminars. I don't completely understand why I'd have to go through all this, but if it's what I have to do, I'm not going to argue the process. I do understand why for a live birth though.

Anyhow, I've had 6 miscarriages now. I just feel I'm as stubborn as I can be. I see it in my husbands eyes how badly he wants a child. He says he's ok with it just being me and him, but he has repeatedly said to me he wants to be a father. He's ok at this point with adoption. he wasn't originally after getting used to the idea of being a father to his own child, but now, he just wants to be a father and if it has to be done through adoption, then he'll love the baby just as much. It does make me want to continue to try to give him a child of his own though.

Mommy2Asher & Noah: It just breaks my heart to hear about your story of getting pregnant. you try so hard and you finally get your wish, but it end in more heartbreak. I couldn't imagine going through what you did. You are a strong woman for getting to where you are now!
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  #8  
September 29th, 2007, 09:58 AM
Mybubbies's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,142
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad! Yes, we all know how hard TTC when you aren't a Fertile Mertile. I too am bitter at people who just get pregnany when someone looks at them. I also work in child welfare so all my clients can have all the children in the world and then neglect or abuse them. I get very angry.

But on the bright side, when we finally get our miracle, we appreciate them for the gift they are. We take the little moments and really take in what a miracle they are (even when we want to tear our hair out) because what would our life be like without them.

We are all here for you and rant all day long if that helps you. We care and want to be a support to you!
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  #9  
September 29th, 2007, 10:06 AM
*Melissa*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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i'm sorry hun. I totally understand how you feel. I've never been pregnant, and sometimes i worry if it will ever happen at all!!! I feel like im being watched alll the time by family and friends, co-workers they are always asking when we are gonna have children and sometimes i just feel so pressured.
Ofcourse I want a child for my OWN self and hubby, but i just cannot wait for the day i can FINALLY tell my family, YOUR GONNA BE A GRANDMA- or uncle, or whatever!! lol... it's just the horrible waiting... im so sorry you are feeling this way right now and I will pray you find some encouragement in your life!!!
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  #10  
September 29th, 2007, 10:28 AM
greenchild's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: MN
Posts: 15,839
many, many you are not alone!!! I always thought we'd have kids before I was 30. We waited until we were ready to be parents, emotionally and financially - not that we have alot of money, but we had enough coming in to squeak by good enough that I was going to be a SAHM. Then all this crap happened, and now I CAN'T get pg without IVF.

I hate the fact that I look normal on the outside, but I am not on the inside. It ticks me off that I got to think for MONTHS that I might have had a medical miracle of having my left tube grow back, a chance that we could still conceive normally. *** is that blood vessel for anyway? It seriously ticks me off that I am so into a natural lifestyle, and have been for years, but now without artificial means I can never be a mother (biologically). I have felt for so long that a natural lifestyle was the way to go to stay healthy, and it's true, I AM very healthy, I don't get sick. When the 1st tube ruptured, I bled internally for 3 freakin' weeks and I didn't get sick. And just where did all this healthy living get me? "Infertility". Does that mean I'm going to go back to eating junk food? *sigh* no. Although it does make me want more chocolate.

So much for our plan of being financially ready. People say, if it's meant to happen it will, and oh, it's only money. Yeah, you just get to have sex and you're pg. Me? No. We either have to dig ourselves deep into dept just to have a CHANCE that all the medications/injections/procedures MIGHT work, or we wait until we can afford it, and our chances of success go way down the older I get. I hate the fact that I'm willing to put all that crap into my body just to have that chance. I love DH and I am thrilled he is willing to go for IVF even tho we can't afford it, but I hate that he said he won't be happy if I get pg, bc he'll be too nervous that we'll have spent all that money that we don't have, only to have another loss. He says he won't let himself be happy, let alone let himself breathe, until we bring a healthy child home.

I am now one of "those women". I hate to hear when other women are pg. I hate going to the store and seeing pg women. I now avoid my sister bc she has 2 healthy children, conceived naturally. I hate how she spoils them to the point they are brats. I've even found myself avoiding my mother, whom I am very close to, just bc she had 3 normal, healthy pg's that resulted in my brother, sister and myself. I don't want to go to baby showers or birthday parties. TMI here ; our sex life has always been great, but sometimes I even think what's the point of having sex? It will never get me pg. And having it only reminds me of that.

I hate that the last 7 years of my life has been nothing but one loss after another, starting with losing my dad and the last being our babies. When is this ride ever gonna get better? I've lost so many loved ones in the last 7 years it's unreal. Sometimes I feel so alone bc so many of the people I hung out with are gone . So here is where I say thank you guys for being there!

I don't want to be this woman, but there's nothing at all I can do to change what's happened. I couldn't change any of it then and I certainly can't now. This is what I'm stuck with. I know it's up to me how I handle it and most days I do pretty good, but believe me I have my bad days too.

I look back at it all, and I wouldn't want to go back to being the person I was before all this crap happened bc I've grown and learned alot. I just hope the crazy part of my ride is over very soon bc dammit I am TIRED of it!
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  #11  
September 29th, 2007, 04:31 PM
Astrid's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 27,408
Oh sweetie, I know how hard it is. Todd & I got pg the very 1st time on our own, the 1st month as a matter of fact. It was our "honeymoon" baby. We were extatic. Since we lost Onesie, we have battled infertility & couldn't figure out how we got pg the 1st time so quickly & then how it could all be taken away from us, not to get back naturally. I remember the 5 cycles on Clomid that resulted in nada, the 1 IUI cycle that was a flop, then the hopes but the stresses of IVF. This whole road is not easy. God knew I wasn't strong enough to handle the pgcies of others & thankfully during most of our battle, no one I knew was pg. Then, BOOM...2 people close to me got pg & I gave my frustrations to God. I knew then my heart was at peace w/ what had happened & I also had hope that IVF worked. I really changed things in my life like cutting out the alcohol, smoking (although I didn't smoke in the 2ww), started de-stressing (breathing techniques, relaxing at home at night), & basically praying more.

I want to just grab a hold of you & give you a big hug. I never thought there would be an end in sight. I am still scared. Please know that we are all here for you!
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  #12  
September 30th, 2007, 11:38 AM
mamamerle's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: dallas, texas
Posts: 539
Thank you, thank you, thank you. We've been TTC for 14 months. I'm not an overly emotional person, but I finally just broke down. I spent most of yesterday pouting in bed generally feeling crappy about life and didn't get online at all. This morning I read all of your posts and cried. Thank you for sharing your stories. Your support really does mean a lot to me.

I started my period this morning. I will continue to chart, but I swear I will not be a raging lunatic this month. I do believe my body needs a break, and now we all know my head and heart certainly do need this break as well.

You guys are the best!
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