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A bit sad, vent and advice needed.


Forum: Large Families

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  #1  
August 2nd, 2009, 04:41 PM
Indymommy7's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,033
I am not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones talking, or if my feelings right now are valid.

I was on another message board for TTC and beyond for three and a half years, but have decided maybe it's best to leave now

When I first joined me and DH were TTC our first baby together (older four are from first marriage) and the site was awesome, so supportive, and made some great friends. They had become like a second family to me, however virtual. They saw me through months of BFN's, then my success of finally getting my BFP, my whole pregnancy, as difficult as it was, my daughter's birth, almost losing my daugther to seizures, and TTC again.

After my last TTC loss before this pregnancy (now 17 weeks), I took a break from the boards for a while. When I came back, those who were first time mothers had basically taken over the boards and maybe I am a bad person for saying this, but they somehow had become 'experts' on every aspect of parenting. The majority are attachment parents, extended breastfeeders, co-sleepers, nazi breastfeeders and clothe-diaperers, who only eat organic foods. All this, I think is WONDERFUL! If I thought it practical, I would love to do most of the above, however, they seemed to have adopted the my way or the highway attitude and the attitude that their opinions were the only vaild ones.

Am I wrong for taking offense to first time moms with babies under a year old and even women who were not mothers at all telling me how to parent my two year old? I even had one mother of a 5 month old tell me that no matter how bad her daugther is in the terrible two's, she would never ger frustarated!

Recently, a good friend of mine on the boards had made a point about clothe verses disposables and got flamed for it and I got flamed for backing her up, and called a 'troublemaker' for just making my point.

She had also said that she felt that she would be more comfortable taking advice from me, a mother of five than a first time mom with a child under a year old and heard comments such as 'most mothers of large families I know, I would rather take advice from Britney Spears than them on parenting' and my personal favorite from a lady who said she had a friend who was a social worker who said most children taken from homes were in sib groups of 3 or more. I pointed out some facts on the other side of the fence basically saying that bad mothers come in all shapes and size families as do good and got flamed again!

I gues smy question is, am I wrong and not a humble person for wanting to gravitate more towards more 'experienced' mothers? Do any of you ladies get novice moms giving you advice? And how do you feel when that happens?

Also, I am trying to heal too, because the place was once so special to me. Like I said, it saw me through alot of joy and pain and it became such a happy place. I printed off and saved all the congrats from my BFP announcement, and daughter's birth and when see it now, I just break down crying.....

Am I being silly, because, after all, it was only a message board?

Thanks for letting me vent ladies, and all opinions are welcome.
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  #2  
August 2nd, 2009, 05:49 PM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,136
I came to this site specifically because I wanted info from people who were in the same boat as me or ahead of me. I am glad to mentor or help anyone coming behind me. I laugh at first timers, but not in derision. It is just cute. I am a let it cry, routine feeding, spanking, paper diaper person. I used to think everyone would be happier if they did things my way, when I was a first timer! Now I realize each person has to find her own way to mother and be happy. So, let them. I am sorry for the loss of your virtual world, but as with everything, places change. You may find it swing back the other way when the more conservative crowd comes back. Either way, I think you will love it here. We can disagree, as long as we are polite.
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  #3  
August 2nd, 2009, 06:26 PM
Indymommy7's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Indiana
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Farmers wife, how many children do you have?

It's not that I have anything against attachment parenting, I would say that I am neither attachment nor traditional though.

Of the five I have so far, I have both breast and bottle fed, and done co-sleeping, and cry it out. Really, it's different with each child. Some have more independant personalities than others. WIth my youngest having the seizure condition since infancy, I have been a bit more hands-on with her, though breastfeeding was a disaster with her! I WOULD clothe diaper, but with seven, almost eight of us in our family, and with a set laundry schedule of twice a week (unless there has to be something washed in an emergency), it's just not feasible for us.

I do not think I will ever be returning to mentioned site. It's been three days since I posted anything and people are still bad-mouthing (can help it, I am still lurking) me and my friend! Even though they claim to be the 'peacemakers' and us 'the bad guys'. I do find this site alot better suited because it looks as though there is a separate forum for everyone and every different aspect, so I would imagine that alleviates the confontations? Maybe?

Last edited by Indymommy7; August 2nd, 2009 at 06:29 PM.
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  #4  
August 2nd, 2009, 08:25 PM
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It is definitely different with each child which is why I could never label my parenting style. I totally understand being a little this, a little that. That's part of why I like JM because it isn't biased one way or the other, you can find a little bit of everything.
I tried visiting a more ap board for awhile but it was so over the top, it wasn't for me. It's really too bad that these people are bad mouthing you though. I can understand the enthusiasm of a new mom that thinks she knows everything, but there is no reason for them to be rude. *hugs*

Out of curiosity, what does flamed mean?
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  #5  
August 2nd, 2009, 09:51 PM
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People that have never had a 2 year old always claim they're the "experts" on how to handle them. LOL, I had a teenage babysitter once tell me what I should do or try with my 5th.

I have a friend who is really into healthy eating and ended up with some children with some pretty severe food allergies, I have gotten some good healthy food ideas from her. Other than that though I am mostly the one giving tips about discipline. And I say tips, not advice because what works for my kid doesn't work for another.

Anyways, I am sorry that you're having a bad experience with this particular forum. And I don't think it's strange to feel hurt or upset, since this forum ment so much to you through a difficult time in your life. We're glad to have you here, I'd say we are pretty diverse and have some vastly different opinions, but in all the time I've been around here I have not found there to be anyone rude about another's beliefs or unsupportive.
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  #6  
August 3rd, 2009, 01:14 AM
pictureunrelated's Avatar Veteran
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Posts: 435
Well ultimately I think its up to you of course, you have to decide where you are/arent comfortable BUT I don't think that the only way to know about children is to have them yourself. For example you could come from a family of 15 brothers and sisters like my grandpa and his sister and before they had kids they should did know a lot about child rearing since they were the oldest. Or you could have a large gap in between your own sibling. I have 15 yrs difference between my baby brother and since my mom decided to work full time I ended up caring for him for the mass majority of the day - including over night.

Seniority does not equal wisdom in all cases. Which there are a plethora of examples to back that statement up.

But I get the impression that these are kinda a mean bunch of people so I would stay away from there. Especially since so many of us come online to these sorts of websites/forums to get help, have some fun, make friends, and have an outlet for our frustrations, fears, and insecurities in relation to child bearing and rearing.

Theres rude people everywhere, but if it seems like that place is attracting a particular large amount of them i for sure would be gone! SOmetimes when i see people getting snappy and crabby and kinda mean to other people on these types of sites I just sit back and say - uh oh! might be AF time or something.

My husband likes to tell me how women are like lobsters in a boiling pot since when you are boiling lobsters they will push, kick, pinch and fight the other lobsters to the bottom of the pot to try to get up to the top, using the others as steps rather than working together and helping get everyone out of the pot. Sometimes I have to agree with him lol
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  #7  
August 3rd, 2009, 04:19 AM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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#7 is due Friday.

Flaming is being attacked for what you write.
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  #8  
August 3rd, 2009, 06:58 AM
Indymommy7's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Congrats to you Farmers Wife!

And to the others, thanks for your input
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  #9  
August 3rd, 2009, 08:44 AM
kassia's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sorry your old board wasn't being nice. I don't think message boards are "just" message boards. I have met some of my best friends from a message board to the point I flew across the country to meet them. So it's perfectly understandable that your upset and hurt.

I do sometimes get frustrated with new moms who think they know everything. Now I just listen and laugh because I know their views may change once they have some experience. I don't have a defined parenting style, I do what works for me and believe everyone else should do the same.
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  #10  
August 3rd, 2009, 05:10 PM
Mommy to Many
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Location: New York
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You know what, indymommy6, I have 7 under 8 and I have been blasted from here till next Friday over my parenting styleS (yes, plural), my choice to work/go to school, the fact that I foster, the fact that I want MORE, blah, blah, blah. It hurts sometimes because, let's be honest, we want support from our peers and on some level, validation. I left a board I was on because I let it be known that my three foster children are special needs. Such hurtful things were thrown at me from doing it "just for the money" to "neglecting the four children you already have". Neither of the above are true, but people are entitled to their opinions. Only you know what works for your family, only you know when your family is complete, and only you know when when enough is enough (in terms of going back to your online community). I'm sorry they hurt you. We welcome you with open arms here, though!
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  #11  
August 3rd, 2009, 06:29 PM
Indymommy7's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Indiana
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Morethanfostermom,

I am sorry that people feel the need to berate you for fostering, how awful!
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  #12  
August 3rd, 2009, 07:10 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 3,492
I think it is horrible that the people on your board criticized you for pointing out disposable diapers. And all the nonsense about kids more likely being taken away if they have 3 or more sibs!!!! And how could someone give advice on raising a 2 year old if they never had a 2 yr old yet?

I have no clue what I'm doing or what I'm getting into as my family is just starting to grow. I come to the large family board with questions and looking for input. I don't have much to say here other than questions, because frankly I really haven't BTDT and I would be a fool to give advice. I hope those ladies on your other board wise up and realize that they don't know everything.
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  #13  
August 4th, 2009, 08:19 AM
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I'm sorry things worked out that way. I have definitely run into people like that online, and it is frustrating. I really just want to shake my head at girls who are like nineteen, not even married, and so much "better" than the rest of us because they make their own slings and nurse for two years. I mean not to judge them...but I feel THEY are judging everyone else, and will probably feel differently in a few years anyway. I also don't get how some people try to make you feel bad for not shelling our for a $350 car seat for each and every child. My children are in car seats, we know and follow the laws, and I paid $50 a seat.

Okay I think I am hijacking your thread now, so I'll quit, lol.
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  #14  
August 4th, 2009, 08:55 AM
Indymommy7's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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That's alright Clousie!!!
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Thanks for the beautiful siggy
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