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  #1  
April 20th, 2010, 08:54 AM
UrbanMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Okay...so if the other person cheats....do you leave them/divorce? Try counseling?

What if it wasn't intercourse, but looking at porn all day? How about emotional cheating?

Is the result the same in every situation? Can a relationship be saved if there has been cheating?
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  #2  
April 20th, 2010, 09:13 AM
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I think it varies by degree of cheating. On one hand I WONT at ALL tolerate cheating of ANY kind....if it were with an actual person then I'd definitely divorce.
If it were porn...I think that a person can stop an addiction. So, would definitely have him in counseling and such...

Adultery is NOT accepted in any way shape or form in my opinion.
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Martha
Momma to Emma, Elzie, Gretchen, Olive, and Rogan

We aren't to give a baby milk, berries, or peanut butter. We are to introduce new foods one at a time. But it's OK to inject several viruses, bacteria, aluminum, formaldehyde, phenoxyethanol, animal serum, mercury, squalene and more into an 8 week old? I don't think so.
In order to be healthy it is an unfortunate fact that people must be allowed the opportunity to be ill. I trust my body and those of my children to work correctly against the relatively benign diseases they vax for, and do not trust the ingredients in the vaccinations.
Our choice to not vax isn't based in ignorance, poverty, conspiracy theory and rumor. It's research, common sense, fact and evidence based..something the medical community has largely forgot about.
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  #3  
April 20th, 2010, 09:16 AM
UrbanMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Yeah, I agree. Any kinda sex and I am OUT...no questions asked. It violates the trust that has to be in a relationship, no trust = no relationship.
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  #4  
April 20th, 2010, 09:18 AM
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exactly...and I kind of believe "once a cheater always a cheater" though I know people that aren't that way....but that is just how my mind works...I dont think I'd ever be comfortable with trusting him again, even if we HAD gotten past the initial cheating!
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Martha
Momma to Emma, Elzie, Gretchen, Olive, and Rogan

We aren't to give a baby milk, berries, or peanut butter. We are to introduce new foods one at a time. But it's OK to inject several viruses, bacteria, aluminum, formaldehyde, phenoxyethanol, animal serum, mercury, squalene and more into an 8 week old? I don't think so.
In order to be healthy it is an unfortunate fact that people must be allowed the opportunity to be ill. I trust my body and those of my children to work correctly against the relatively benign diseases they vax for, and do not trust the ingredients in the vaccinations.
Our choice to not vax isn't based in ignorance, poverty, conspiracy theory and rumor. It's research, common sense, fact and evidence based..something the medical community has largely forgot about.
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  #5  
April 20th, 2010, 09:23 AM
UrbanMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have an awful time forgetting anything...it would always be right there, in the front of my mind. I think every time we tried to be intimate it would surface, that thought that once I wasn't good enough and you went somewhere else...which would ruin any attempt to have sex. Yeah the relationship would have to be over.
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  #6  
April 20th, 2010, 09:29 AM
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Yeah....and for my dh and I...we have only been with each other...so that would be ruined as well....the thought that he'd shared what was once ONLY ours....ugh I'd be so so so upset!
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Martha
Momma to Emma, Elzie, Gretchen, Olive, and Rogan

We aren't to give a baby milk, berries, or peanut butter. We are to introduce new foods one at a time. But it's OK to inject several viruses, bacteria, aluminum, formaldehyde, phenoxyethanol, animal serum, mercury, squalene and more into an 8 week old? I don't think so.
In order to be healthy it is an unfortunate fact that people must be allowed the opportunity to be ill. I trust my body and those of my children to work correctly against the relatively benign diseases they vax for, and do not trust the ingredients in the vaccinations.
Our choice to not vax isn't based in ignorance, poverty, conspiracy theory and rumor. It's research, common sense, fact and evidence based..something the medical community has largely forgot about.
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  #7  
April 20th, 2010, 09:38 AM
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I guess I'm the odd one out...I'd want to stay together. I feel like our years of marriage and life we've built together can't be undone by one night...or even one affair. I've never been in that situation though, and it's hard to imagine my dh doing that honestly, so I might feel completely different if it actually happened.
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  #8  
April 20th, 2010, 09:50 AM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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i am in agreement with clouise. there is no absolute that i would divorce. especially if you examine your full life and see what role you may have played in the whole thing. not making excuses for the dirty dog, but unless he just cant control his urges any better tan a dog, you really have to look at the whole picture.

i have friends in divorce over the porn and then some and i know people who worked passed infidelity. moreover, the long term effects of divorce on the whole family is worse than one infidelity.
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  #9  
April 20th, 2010, 09:55 AM
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If he actually cheated on me by having sex with another woman (in any form) then it'd be a moot point.... you can't divorce a dead man... but if you kill him just right you can collect the insurance money J/K... kinda LOL

Porn.. I wouldn't leave him over but I'd definately think he'd need counseling if it's become that much of an addiciton.

Emotional cheating.. I'm really torn on this because I have felt in the past (and a little in the present as well) that DH has done this but I know he honestly doesn't feel like he's doing anything more than being a friend to this other woman so this one has me confused.

Some people can make a relationship work even after cheating happens somehow, but I could never do it.. I'd always wonder if he was wishing he was with her, comparing me to her, or still seeing her. Everytime he was late or I couldn't get him on the phone the first thing that would pop into my head would be that he's cheating on me again. So no.. once the trust is gone so is the relationship.
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  #10  
April 20th, 2010, 09:56 AM
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I disagree....I dont believe in staying together just because of what WAS built...in all reality...even if it was ONE night and ONE affair...it didn't happen in one day...it was somethign that was built upon...actions that were thought about and finally acted upon...and there was no true relationship.

At the point of an affair...what was built is no longer there. The trust you work so hard to keep, the love, the chemistry, the emotion, all of it...GONE....

I'm not saying it'd be an easy decision...and I'm not saying that I'd not forgive....but that doesn't mean I'd open myself up for that again, with the same person...how could one EVER be certain that you could trust someone like that again?

Having never been in the situation...I can say all day what I "would do if it were me" but until it was REALLY me in the situation I can't say what would really happen...this is just how I feel on the subject...and my husband feels the same way....
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Martha
Momma to Emma, Elzie, Gretchen, Olive, and Rogan

We aren't to give a baby milk, berries, or peanut butter. We are to introduce new foods one at a time. But it's OK to inject several viruses, bacteria, aluminum, formaldehyde, phenoxyethanol, animal serum, mercury, squalene and more into an 8 week old? I don't think so.
In order to be healthy it is an unfortunate fact that people must be allowed the opportunity to be ill. I trust my body and those of my children to work correctly against the relatively benign diseases they vax for, and do not trust the ingredients in the vaccinations.
Our choice to not vax isn't based in ignorance, poverty, conspiracy theory and rumor. It's research, common sense, fact and evidence based..something the medical community has largely forgot about.
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  #11  
April 20th, 2010, 11:51 AM
KrazE's Avatar ShutTheFrontDoor
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I can honestly say that if cheating has already happened, then there are likely other things in the marriage that were 'broken' to begin with (IMO of course).

When my ex cheated, there wasn't anything to fight for even after 14 years and all the hell that I accepted (I say accepted because frankly, I did stay through all the BS). But the cheating was the icing on the cake.

I don't see porn as cheating at all, I have no issue if my SO watches any, nor does he have issue if I do, and there have been times were we've watched some together, so it's a non-issue to us there.

If he were to share inappropriate pictures or conversations with another, then in our situation I would be willing to work through it; but I don't have the ability to believe that he would ever cheat.
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  #12  
April 20th, 2010, 12:05 PM
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[quote=Farmers-wife;19882862]i am in agreement with clouise. there is no absolute that i would divorce. especially if you examine your full life and see what role you may have played in the whole thing. not making excuses for the dirty dog, but unless he just cant control his urges any better tan a dog, you really have to look at the whole picture.

i have friends in divorce over the porn and then some and i know people who worked passed infidelity. moreover, the long term effects of divorce on the whole family is worse than one infidelity.[/quote


I am with you ladies.
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  #13  
April 20th, 2010, 12:18 PM
GiftsfromGod's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'd stay and work on reconciliation. I know it would not be easy but I would not divorce over it. I believe that people can and do change even after making big mistakes. The trust would be very difficult to rebuild but I know it is possible (I know couples who have rebuilt marriages after adultery) there are always 2 sides to a story and rarely ever is one side completely without any fault in a marriage relationship
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  #14  
April 20th, 2010, 12:34 PM
UrbanMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If I am married to a man and he cheats.....then I am absolutely leaving, positively, no second chances, not even thinking about it. I think it is even worse in a marrigae situation.
If there is something "wrong" with the relationship that "made" the other person cheat, then there was a chance to bring that issue to the other person and work it out.
Of course, I am not married, probably never will be and I guess I don't have to worry about it.
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  #15  
April 20th, 2010, 12:57 PM
Momtothe6thpower's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If he cheats, he's out and I'm getting a crap load in child support!! He knows it and I know it. I think too much of myself to put up w/ something like that. And I also know I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore. I mean think about it, he's gone weeks at a time. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing I can fully trust him. If he broke that trust I would go crazy worrying. I'd be miserable, he'd be miserable and the kids would probably be miserable too. Yep, if he cheats physically, divorce is the path I will take.

Emotional cheating, I'm not sure about. I'd probably hang in there but it would more than likely end in divorce anyway because there's probably something off in the first place.

Porn -- if he's just looking at it occasionally or FWD texts from loser friends then I'm going to be pretty pissy but I won't leave him. If it's an addiction then that's another story. I'm not sure but I would definitely want him to seek counseling whether I stayed or not.

Sorry, if this doesn't read well. I'm in a major hurry, LOL!
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  #16  
April 20th, 2010, 04:17 PM
Kristina's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momtothe5thPower View Post
If he cheats, he's out and I'm getting a crap load in child support!! He knows it and I know it. I think too much of myself to put up w/ something like that. And I also know I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore. I mean think about it, he's gone weeks at a time. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing I can fully trust him. If he broke that trust I would go crazy worrying. I'd be miserable, he'd be miserable and the kids would probably be miserable too. Yep, if he cheats physically, divorce is the path I will take.

Emotional cheating, I'm not sure about. I'd probably hang in there but it would more than likely end in divorce anyway because there's probably something off in the first place.

Porn -- if he's just looking at it occasionally or FWD texts from loser friends then I'm going to be pretty pissy but I won't leave him. If it's an addiction then that's another story. I'm not sure but I would definitely want him to seek counseling whether I stayed or not.

Sorry, if this doesn't read well. I'm in a major hurry, LOL!
I NEED trust in a relationship, it's not something I would want to work on after 13+ years in a relationship. I give so much in our relationship, I couldn't stay with him I have too much self respect and I think that I would be betraying myself, if I stayed I know I would become a bitter person, I would not be willing to sacrifice my whole self for our marriage that he screwed up.
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