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Dealing with people that have large family irresponsibility...


Forum: Large Families

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  #1  
May 31st, 2012, 11:41 PM
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I am not a holier-than-though person, and I have never thought of myself as anything close to perfect. Lately, however, I am more and more annoyed with people that try for larger families while failing to support their existing children. I'm sure this topic has come up somewhere before, but I'm a newbie so please forgive me if I'm beating a dead horse.

When I was 17 I was married briefly to an unenjoyable man. I did, however, forge a lasting friendship with his sister. My current husband is amazing and we have 4 children with our 5th on the way. We are not "rich" or "well off" but are doing pretty well for ourselves. My "sister" (for ease of labeling) has 4 children also and is within a year of my age. As a family, they were on TANF for the maximum 5 years and were cut off a few months ago and evicted from their apartment. Her own family was unable/unwilling to help, so we paid to go get them and move them in with us. They have been living in 2 finished rooms in our garage for 3 months now and have yet to get working even after numerous talks about how it HAS to happen. One man cannot support 4 adults and 8/9 children on his own without sacrifices that we wouldn't normally have to make. We expected it to get rough for a little bit, but also expected them to aggressively seek employment.

So my vent is: When I got my positive pregnancy test a couple of weeks ago, I gave her the news. She says, "Oh my goodness! That's so exciting! I'm late and I think I might be pregnant too!!!" I said, "You're not on the pill?" She says, "No - we've been trying!"

Am I wrong to be royally pissed off about this???? I would be ecstatic for her if she were in her own home and at least relatively stable, but this is driving me nuts. I feel like if she tells me she's pregnant I might just drive her down and drop her off at her mother's house.
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  #2  
June 1st, 2012, 03:23 AM
Momtothe6thpower's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't think your wrong to be upset especially if they were trying. In her situation, I'd be so stressed trying to figure out how we were going to take care of ourselves that TTC would be that LAST thing I'd want to do.
It sounds like her and her SO need to grow up and deal with their problems. At the very least, I'd present her with a monthly bill. There's no such thing as a free ride in the real world and it's best they learn that now.
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  #3  
June 1st, 2012, 04:49 AM
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No, I'd be annoyed too. That is way over the top. You don't TTC when you and your older four children are already living off a relative.
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  #4  
June 1st, 2012, 04:54 AM
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Congrats to you, though! And welcome to our large family family. You are in a pickle, though because you can't kick them out. I will have to think on this one awhile.
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  #5  
June 1st, 2012, 05:34 AM
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Yeah I don't know either, I would definetely want to make them grow up and get a job, I'm lucky in that aspect because I am such a sucker and would feel bad for them but my dh doesn't mind being a bit mean and doesn't like people taking advantage, so he'd save me that fight. Congrats and good luck to you there.
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  #6  
June 1st, 2012, 06:12 AM
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Congrats on your pregnancy!!!

I can totally see how you'd be upset about this situation.
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  #7  
June 1st, 2012, 06:55 AM
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Wow. Trying to get pregnant while YOUR family supports them? Eeeek. Yeah, I'd be livid. And I'd set up some ground rules about your arrangement. We have people come stay with us all of the time when they are in a bind. But we expect them to actively search for a job (like it's their job), and when they get a job, we expect a small financial contribution while we help them set up savings and help them find their own place to live. As much as we love sharing our home with friends and family, we've learned that boundaries and ground rules are important and it's very important to communicate these things.
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  #8  
June 1st, 2012, 07:19 AM
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I guess maybe I fall into that category, not sure. I was married to someone who made a lot of money. So I now get quite a bit of child support. My DH gets child support for his daughter. We are both school bus drivers, but I will have to take a year or so off once this baby is born. I am also a full time college student and plan on continuing with that. We receive food stamps. If we didn't receive them, we would figure out how to make ends meet. My kids are well taken care of. We are doing the best we can and we are trying to get on better financial ground. I know we can not afford to have more than 5 children, and we won't be having anymore after this. Having people judge me is something that really bothers me. We pay our own rent for a nice house. We pay all our own bills. But I am sure people will still judge me. I am just not going to let it bother me.
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  #9  
June 1st, 2012, 07:27 AM
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Amanda, I really don't think that is the same situation. You and your husband both are employed and paying bills and trying to improve your situation, not living off someone else.

As for nlove, congrats on your pregnancy. Your "sister" should step up and make her own way, sounds like you made it a little too comfortable for her. Hopefully she isn't one of those women who think they can't work at all while pg.
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  #10  
June 1st, 2012, 08:04 AM
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I would never feel guilty taking assistance that you have PAID INTO both having jobs Amanda. Totally different situation. It's almost impossible not to qualify for something having a large family unless you have a super huge income. Or maybe live in a different country, I'm not familiar how those situations work.

Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope sister steps up soon. I have also learned from experience not to help out 'friends'. Of course mine ended up with a funnier story where the guy is supposedly a one legged carnie now LMAO!
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  #11  
June 1st, 2012, 08:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by my3sonsplus1 View Post
I guess maybe I fall into that category, not sure. .... We receive food stamps. If we didn't receive them, we would figure out how to make ends meet. My kids are well taken care of. We are doing the best we can and we are trying to get on better financial ground.
I have no problem at all with public assistance for those who need it. We are happy that we're able to take advantage of reduced lunch at the school for the kiddos because of how they calculate my husband's income. My issue is that while on public assistance, there was no movement towards an attempt at stability. I assumed that once the s*** hit the fan they'd get on it (as they said they would).

Like mentioned above though, I could never actually kick them out. I did tell her I'm taking her to the local resource office tomorrow to get a food bank card and put herself on the homeless families list. We actually have to move July 1st (about 3 hours away). We have known this for 2 months and told them as soon as we knew. They simply can't come with us when we move. So yesterday I told her, it looks like we're aiming for the worst case scenario - she needs to be on the shelter list. I feel terrible, and relieved about it at the same time. It's not a mission style shelter, it's a small group of homes. They give them a 3 month limit and meet with them twice a week to see evidence of progress towards employment, etc.
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  #12  
June 1st, 2012, 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by nlove_3000 View Post

Like mentioned above though, I could never actually kick them out. I did tell her I'm taking her to the local resource office tomorrow to get a food bank card and put herself on the homeless families list. We actually have to move July 1st (about 3 hours away). We have known this for 2 months and told them as soon as we knew. They simply can't come with us when we move. So yesterday I told her, it looks like we're aiming for the worst case scenario - she needs to be on the shelter list. I feel terrible, and relieved about it at the same time. It's not a mission style shelter, it's a small group of homes. They give them a 3 month limit and meet with them twice a week to see evidence of progress towards employment, etc.
I don't think that's a bad idea. I'm sure what they offer varies from place to place, but the "family shelter" I volunteered at was quite nice. Safe, clean, and more importantly they helped people get back on their feet asap. The people that lived there also had a lot of accountability...they had to help with the cooking and housekeeping, attend a few classes, and work or be looking for work.
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  #13  
June 4th, 2012, 02:22 PM
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I understand you frustration although never been in that situation myself. It would be different if they were trying actively to get jobs, or do something to improve there situation.

My husband works and I am a SAHM and his income is enought to get by but not well. I do apply for anything they are eligable for, discounts for camp or swimming programs, child tax credits, ect. I dont feel guilty for having more even though others especially family will complain. However as long as I am not asking family and friends to suport me its not there business.

The differents is that they are asking you to support them so it is your business. I would definately try and talk to her and even give them a deadline, get a job or get out. It might sound harsh but inabling them to not have to work isnt helping them either.
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  #14  
June 6th, 2012, 03:22 PM
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I feel much better about things now. I've spent the last week trying to be at peace with our situation. We are both planning on going to school in the fall. DH will continue working as a bus driver. I will continue working as long as I can. I know we will qualify for certain types of assistance for quite awhile, but as long as we are working on bettering our situation, I am not going to feel guilty. I can't imagine living off of family and ttc. Best of luck to you with your situation!
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  #15  
June 6th, 2012, 03:49 PM
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I've come up pregnant twice since we've been dealing with financial hardship. We weren't exactly "trying" for a baby but we are morally opposed to using birth control and apparently we really are terrible at interpreting my fertility signs. SO, while I understand your frustration with your "sister" I almost feel like I have to come up with some defense for her and all of us women who have large families "irresponsibly". It sucks out loud being on "welfare" and then to have people judge you for how many kids you have and try to shove the pill on you on top of that.... I'm struggling to decide how I feel about this topic.
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