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Takeoff on kids moving out


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  #1  
September 21st, 2012, 03:23 AM
shari626's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Didn't want to high-jack OP thread so I started another one.

This was a topic on the radio yesterday - and I wondered what your experience was with yourself or what you would do with your kids. It's where I am right now so I was curious what you all would do.

This woman had called in to the radio show and said her daughter was a college freshman and had been in school for a month. The daughter wanted to come home and not finish school this year. The mom was contemplating going to get her from school. Some people said they would absolutely go get her and others said no way. Would you let your kid come home?

I wonder because my daughter was calling me the college Nazi. I made it clear that when she went to college she wasn't coming home for the first month or so. There was a ton of on campus activities to get to know each other and meet people and I didn't want her running home on the first weekend and missing out. We didn't let her take her car to college for that reason. She asked to come home the second weekend - and I said no. Turns out she went to a swim team BBQ (which she hadn't mentioned when she wanted to come home) so if I let her come home she would have missed out on that with her team. If she called me and said she wanted to come home and take the year off - NO WAY. You accepted a scholarship and you finish out the year. Maybe I am mean - but she's not coming home (permanently) until the end of the school year. No matter what. BTW - I did let her come home last weekend - because she wanted to do laundry and see her siblings. And she had been there for one month - so she was fine coming home. She went back no problem.

What would you do - let your child come home or stay at school? Did you do that when you went to any college (if you did)? I was terribly homesick but going home wasn't an option because I was 2,000 miles away. I left in August and came home at Christmas.
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  #2  
September 21st, 2012, 06:38 AM
Repti.Mom's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I didn't go to college. I wouldn't go pick up my kid, but I'm betting by then, if they're going to a school that is a medium distance away, they'll probably have their own vehicle? Or their own way home. I'm talking like Milwaukee school (about 45 minutes from us). I wouldn't MAKE them stay there either. They still probably have friends here, maybe a girlfriend/boyfriend?

The neighbor boy came home a lot at first from college, but now I don't see him as often. Might be because his girlfriend is going to college in Milwaukee too now. He seems to have adjusted just fine to college lol
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  #3  
September 21st, 2012, 07:21 AM
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Um no i would not go get my kiddo they have a responsibility to finish the school year at least that semester, they want to come visit sure but thats it. I can't believe that some parents would let their child quit college after the first month. WoW I think that says a lot about society and how lax some parents are about their childrens responsibilities. its sad. My dh sees how many kids really dont' think that they should have to work hard he works in a kitchen and employs local highschoolers and he said that it is so hard to find hard working responsible young workers, they are always calling in or half-a$$ing their job and are totally shocked when he fires them. And he starts them at $10 an hour so it is a pretty good paying job for a young kid.
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  #4  
September 21st, 2012, 07:31 AM
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NO WAY I would let my kid come home after a month and quit.

I think a little 'tough love' is good Shari.

I do suspect that my oldest will be coming home on the weekends once she moves out, especially when the weather is nice, because she will want to see and ride her horses. If there were no horsed involved then I don't know what she'd do.

Shari, I wouldn't have felt like you threadjacked, I don't feel possessive over JM threads
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  #5  
September 21st, 2012, 08:03 AM
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Come home for good after the first month? No. To visit? Yes.

We didn't allow Lupan to take his truck. We just felt there was already going to be enough going on, and less access to transportation would make getting away a little harder.
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  #6  
September 21st, 2012, 08:19 AM
HalfDozen's Avatar Formerly Number5OnTheWay
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Speaking from experience, I had my car when I went to college 3 hours away from home. It was one of the few schools that allowed freshmen to have a car, which was a key deciding point for me. I knew I wanted to have transportation available. That summer, I met a guy. Once I started college, I drove home every weekend to see him. Looking back, I wish I would NOT have had access to a car. By leaving every weekend, I never made any friends there because I wasn't around when everyone had free time. I didn't like my roommate, hated being there, etc. I did go the whole first year, though. I got pregnant with my oldest toward the end of that year, and announcing that was what allowed me to go to a local college branch to finish up. However, I did have to work and go to school, and take care of my daughter. I feel like my college experience would have been different if I didn't have a car, but I also am glad that I stuck it out a full year because at least I felt like I gave it a fair shot. I really just didn't like being that far away from home. Now, I live 12 hours away, though and have lived at least 8 ever since I've been married.

Also, my next sister had a terrible time the first couple of months at school. She called my mom on her lunch hour crying, called me throughout the day crying. It was awful!! My mom and dad told her she was NOT coming home until at least the end of the first year. Well, within a couple of months she had found a service sorority to get involved with, and then there was never again talk of wanting to leave. She made so many friends.

We have always told our girls that once you start something, you have to finish it. If you start a sport season, you can't quit mid-season because you don't play or you don't like the coach or you just don't like the sport. I feel the same about college. You don't get to come home after 1 month of trying it. For most people, it's the first experience they have away from home, and it's a HUGE adjustment. Some transition easier than others. But what does it teach by letting them give up after 1 month? That everything in life is easy, and if you don't like it, you just quit? That's not how things work in the real world.

My husband has told the girls that they will go away to school because they need that experience of NOT living with Mom and Dad. I have told them that they have to, at the very least, try living away from home for 1 full year. A month is not enough time to make that type of decision. Can you imagine if you based all of your decisions in life on just 30 days of experience?
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  #7  
September 21st, 2012, 08:59 AM
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I wouldn't let my kid come home after one short month. I would do what I could to help them stick to their commitment. If they missed me, I would come visit them and take them to dinner or do something fun. I would love to think that my kids missed me and would have no problem visiting them so that they didn't need to drive to me all the time. I think a visit once a month is enough for a college student. College is busy. Between studying, projects, papers, jobs, internships, and networking (as well as social lives) there's not much time left.

That being said, I would like to make sure that my kids are REALLY ready for college before they go there. We are homeschooling and documenting their education in case they want to attempt an associates degree before 18. After that, if they weren't ready for the "meatier" parts of education, I would encourage them to get more experience in their field of choice before spending money on an education in that field. I especially wouldn't support going to school if they didn't know what they wanted to do or if they didn't have a realistic grasp of how to apply their education.

I didn't see my mom much growing up. We lived together, but she worked 5-6 days a week, about 12 hours a day, and mom always had a boyfriend and spent the night with him often, plus I always had a job or school activities. So when I went to college (only an hour's drive away), I was already accustomed to taking care of myself. My mom actually freaked out when I went away and started hounding me to visit her (still does) and wanted more from me as an adult than she ever wanted from me as a child. So weird. I was never home sick and actually loathed my visits going home. My mom and her boyfriend broke up and my brother was in prison, so she spent all of her time smothering me and I hadn't been smothered since I was a young child.
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  #8  
September 21st, 2012, 10:30 AM
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I wouldn't go get her/him. I'd listen of course, see what it was that was causing them to want to leave. Some kids don't click with certain schools. I might let her transfer after the 1st semester if she was still absolutely miserable or I might help her get off campus housing after a year if the dorms were the problem. In other words, I'd work with her but I wouldn't let her quit.
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  #9  
September 21st, 2012, 01:45 PM
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  #10  
September 21st, 2012, 03:18 PM
2pinks&ablue's Avatar Chantelle
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Honestly, it would probably depend on the reasons that they wanted to leave.
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  #11  
September 21st, 2012, 08:07 PM
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I'd want them to finish the year. Heck I can't see walking out of a movie I paid for let alone A YEAR OF COLLEGE. Oh heck no - finish the year. My brother was very homesick when he went to school but adjusted and all was well. I never went so I have no experience.
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  #12  
September 21st, 2012, 09:24 PM
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I'm not sure, I still can't get over the fact that my five year old is going on the school bus by himself--I still want to stalk him at the school before and after school each day, lol.

I went to uni five hrs away-I didn't have a vehicle the first year and I had to bus it home for Thanksgiving. 2nd year I had my car and I drove home nearly every weekend to work. There's something to be said about strongly encouraging your kids to pick something and follow through with it, see it through to the end, kwim? Now of course if they were miserable and suicidal etc of course I would go get them--hopefully I'd try to give them support and skills to cope of course, but I'm not going to let homesickness destroy them, and it absolutely could.

My goal is to give them the skills to cope and know they always have a temporary home to come to until they get their act together and do what comes next. But I'm not a hostel or a place to hide out for a decade while they find themselves.
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  #13  
September 21st, 2012, 09:47 PM
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I agree with Que.
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  #14  
September 22nd, 2012, 06:47 AM
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I don't plan to rush mine out of the house. They're welcome to leave at eighteen if they want, or they can stay home until their early/mid twenties if they'd like. By the mid-twenties I do hope they are all out on their own. I think that's enough time to get through school and/or launch a career. And unless they are REALLY hard-up (like going to be homeless) they are not living here with their spouse and/or kids. If they're grown up to marry or have kids, they are grown up enough to make it on their own.

If it was my child in college I'd talk her through it and encourage her to stay. I was homesick my first semester too, but one month is not long enough to make a decision. If nothing else she needs to stay until Christmas so she can finish the semester and get her credit hours. Otherwise it's a waste of time and money, and will reflect poorly on her when she tries to go back to school later on. I don't even think it's a good idea to come home and visit that soon...they need to stay up there and make some new friends and learn some independence.

Last edited by clouise; September 22nd, 2012 at 06:49 AM.
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  #15  
September 22nd, 2012, 09:26 AM
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Quote:
My goal is to give them the skills to cope and know they always have a temporary home to come to until they get their act together and do what comes next. But I'm not a hostel or a place to hide out for a decade while they find themselves.
LOL
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  #16  
September 25th, 2012, 08:57 AM
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I agree with Marie.

I was one who hated college and the social scenes behind it. I wanted to come home desperately, but my mom also made me stay. I finshed, got my 4 year degree, and than stayed at home to have babies, which is what I wanted to do. As an "adult", I love to be home and don't like to leave often. But, I"m not a hermit, and have friends. I wish my mom wouldn't have viewed not continuing college as a failure and allowed me to find a different path.

So yes, I would go pick up my kid. It might just not be their thing. Unless the kid has a habit of never following through on things, I would allow the to change paths.
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  #17  
September 26th, 2012, 05:38 PM
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My oldest LOVED her first year at college. She was about 5 hours from us but she did really miss doing family activities after that she moved a 17 hour drive up north to work and after a year came back and her and her fiancée got married went to Mexico then moved in together when they got back. based on my children's personalities only one or 2 would want to come back but that's a work in progress LOL Dh and I would be supportive but not enabling in that case.
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  #18  
September 27th, 2012, 05:47 AM
HalfDozen's Avatar Formerly Number5OnTheWay
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Counting our Blessings View Post
I agree with Marie.

I was one who hated college and the social scenes behind it. I wanted to come home desperately, but my mom also made me stay. I finshed, got my 4 year degree, and than stayed at home to have babies, which is what I wanted to do. As an "adult", I love to be home and don't like to leave often. But, I"m not a hermit, and have friends. I wish my mom wouldn't have viewed not continuing college as a failure and allowed me to find a different path.
I actually hated college as well. Growing up, all I ever wanted to do was be a wife and mother. That, however, was not acceptable. I did get my bachelor's, and there have been many times that I have been thankful I did, although I would trade it all in a heartbeat if it meant I got to stay home with my girls every day. My husband never finished his degree, and I am the primary breadwinner. So, again, I am thankful that my parents "made" me get my degree because we would have been in very, very sorry circumstances if I hadn't.

And then, crazy me, I went back and got my master's about 1 1/2 years after having my 3rd. And now I've been taking classes again. So, even though I would love to just be a stay-at-home mom, I also realize that is not an option much anymore, and I want my girls to know the importance of getting an education.
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