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Announcing pregnancy, expecting negative reactions


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  • 2 Post By Farmers-wife
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  #1  
February 3rd, 2013, 06:42 PM
Jenilope's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I figured you guys have probably mostly dealt with this issue in one form or another. We've told our internet-only friends, my best friend, my sister, my dad, my grandparents, and DH's brother and his wife.

My friends, grandparents, and sister and SIL were all appropriately excited for us.

My dad had kind of a crummy reaction, but I expected it. It's part of his nature to be contrarian, he thinks it's interesting or funny or something, and my last pregnancy was complicated and scary and I know he worries about my health. So, yes, he front-loaded the reaction with negativity, but I was expecting it and before the phone call was over he was saying congratulations and asking about due dates and all the right stuff, so we're fine.

My BIL said something weird like "really? So you guys are going to get fixed after this, right? You're done?" But, my husband told him it wasn't really his business and we very much want this baby and he shaped up, too, I don't expect anything else negative from him (who knows what he thinks, but I do know that I can expect him to behave in a polite and compassionate manner.)

It's definitely safe to say that no one has been nearly as excited for us as they were for #1 or #2. And, as expected, a fair amount of people have already been asking if we're done, if this was a "surprise" and if we were trying "one more time" for a boy. Mostly it doesn't bother me that much. I don't like being told we should be "fixed" my kids are awesome and they should be thanking us for having more and allowing them to be part of our children's lives lol!

But... we're putting off telling the ILs and it's starting to get to me.
For practical reasons, we can't tell the kids, make the fun FB announcement or tell people in our town (ILs are from here and have too many business connections, church connections and friend connections) because, while we're obviously not eager to tell them, we also don't want their feelings to be hurt by hearing from someone else.
We had a significant rift with them during my 3rd pregnancy and complications. My husband is part-owner and VP of the family business, so he has to work with his dad and they have very different views about efficiency in the modern work place, telecommuting and the importance of family. We had a serious falling out and things have not really been "repaired" yet. They are not a "talk it out" kind of family, so the way they "deal" with the fissure in our relationship is to basically wait it out until everyone gets over it. I don't know how they feel, but we're not over it yet and DH is concerned that when we announce this pregnancy they will have very vocal negative reactions and it will permanently sever the relationship, which he doesn't want. Not to mention that if his mom or dad are upset with him (which we think they will be because they made it clear that they don't think we "need" more than 2 kids) they really take it out on him at work.

So, I told him I'm ok with waiting and he can tell his parents whenever he's ready. But... my oldest daughter is starting to ask if I have a baby in my belly and I hate lying to her. And people at church are going to notice soon. I already missed a month due to morning sickness and when we went back today people were commenting on how I looked pale/ill/very thin and they were worried about me and wondering if we needed prayers. My kids were right there and we agreed not to tell IRL contacts yet, so I didn't know what to say and I hated it! And, let's be real here, this is my fourth pregnancy, it's going to show soon. I don't want to be scared to go out incase I'm seen by someone who knows the ILs and I don't particularly want to try to convince everyone I'm just getting fat, they're going to find out!

Part of me thinks that if we're so sure they're going to take it badly we should feel free to tell the people who will be happy for us and let them find out when they find out, however they find out, so we don't have to deal with the negative reaction. But, I also don't want to be purposely (or carelessly) hurtful and I don't want things to become more difficult for my husband at work.

Do you have any suggestions or commiserations?
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  #2  
February 3rd, 2013, 07:39 PM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I would just let your husband deal with his parents. Maybe tell your own kids and just wait til people notice. It will become obvious. Best wishes though. I know it is hard. My sil was pg with quads when I got pg with #4. She was a moral hero for not aborting some of them. I was irresponsible. Whatever.
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  #3  
February 4th, 2013, 05:28 AM
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It does stink that the excitement is much less after the first 2 babies. I started telling people with my 5th that 8 had always been our number, so really I was just over halfway. I agree with fw, let your hubby deal with his parents (sidenote, they handle problems just like my side of the family). They're going to have to get over it. Regardless, good luck with everything. Hope you don't get too many thoughtless comments.
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  #4  
February 4th, 2013, 07:03 AM
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The longer you wait, the harder it get's to tell them. The longer you wait, the more you think about it and the more afraid you guys become...

Now I agree with the other ladies that normally the husband should be the one to do it, they're his parents, and he should handle it. But, how would say lunch with just his mom work? Throw out an olive branch and tell her then? In a public place, in a public setting where there is less likely to be a scene. Then MIL can go home and deal with the dad.

Now if there is no way in hell to do that, then wait until the hubby feels ready to do it. Tell the kids, but let them know for now it is a to be a surprise and not to tell others. That may or may not work so be prepared for one kid to slip. This may be the push your hubby needs.
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  #5  
February 4th, 2013, 07:05 AM
sarahlorrain's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You might want to try announcing how excited you are about the baby before anyone gets a chance to get a word in edgewise. That usually stops them from saying something stupid.

Do what you want, keep it a secret for a while or just come out with it with everyone at once and get it over with.
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  #6  
February 4th, 2013, 07:36 AM
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I'd just get it over with...you can't control the reactions of others.

I like Sarah's idea. Just go in super positive "I have some great news...we're having a new baby! We're just so excited. Well, I've got to run, but we'll talk soon!"

Get in, and get out.
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  #7  
February 4th, 2013, 07:51 AM
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I say screw em all, don't tell them and when its obvious, well, it's obvious. That's what I am doing right now with my own family. I am so tired of people and their negativity, rain on your own parade and leave mine alone!
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  #8  
February 4th, 2013, 08:35 AM
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i guess, for me, i would just tell and get it over with. stress is not good for pregnancy and i think that once its out there, you will find that those that are happy about it will work with you. and those that are not happy --- well they can just leave you alone!!
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  #9  
February 4th, 2013, 09:47 AM
2pinks&ablue's Avatar Chantelle
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For me, I would tell them to get over with. Honestly, who cares what people think as long as you are happy? Although I know your DH working for/with them probably doesn't help.
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  #10  
February 4th, 2013, 10:25 AM
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I sympathize with you! We have 4 (2 from my dh and his ex, 1 from my ex, and 1 together). Everyone understood when we had #4, because it was our first together. But we also got comments all during my pregnancy about how our family would be "complete" because we are going to have 4 kids full-time (my step kids don't see their mother and I have custody of my child). People even asked us about if we were going to get fixed.

Now we are thinking of having another and our excitement is offset by the negative reactions we expect to get if we are successful in getting pregnant!

I think I like the idea of just putting the news out there with how excited you are. If someone gave me news and told me how excited they were I wouldn't be negative in my response to them (even if my feelings were negative). No matter how they react, remember it is your life and family!
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  #11  
February 4th, 2013, 12:31 PM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Facebook has helped get my mil in line. I announce ther and by the time she sees it, 10-12 of my best friends have already said congrats. She can't then come in all pissy. She isn't pissy publicly. So then she has time to process it before we actually see her. Won't help with the work sitch. But works for us.
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  #12  
February 4th, 2013, 01:33 PM
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You know, the more I think about it, the more I get pissed off at people who ask if you're going to get your tubes tied or get fixed. Since when is it any of their **** business? Do I ask overweight people when they are going to start working out or stop buying junk food? A good friend of mine is due like 2 days before me, and I saw her mom this weekend and she asked me if I was going to get my tubes tied and I just said "Nope!" And she goes on to tell me "Yeah, I don't know if (daughter's name) is going to get it done either." I was thinking, yeah, uh, not your business even if she is your daughter! Geez. I'm in a pissy mood today.
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  #13  
February 4th, 2013, 03:31 PM
Momtothe6thpower's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Just start telling everybody...no super special announcement or anything...just blurt it out and exclaim how blessed you feel and move on.
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  #14  
February 4th, 2013, 07:05 PM
mommy2lilmen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I mant to reply yesterday but my computer kept freezing cus my kids were downloadng music on other computer
Anyways
I TO had same reactions. I dont know why people can not be happy for others. Its not them paying for these babies, waking in the night, diapers etc.
No matter how excited I got my family said, you dont know how to be excitd, so chill. SERIOUSLY. I am a kid I guess. Ugh. Its really upsetting to know family is this unapproving.
Just know as long as YOU and your HUSBAND are HAPPY thats all that really matter !
HUGS
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  #15  
February 4th, 2013, 09:01 PM
Babymakes8's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'd just tell them and let them get over themselves.
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  #16  
February 7th, 2013, 10:53 PM
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My Mum's response last time was so bad we didn't talk for months. Things have only just recently gotten 'good.' Considering she doesn't have the kids EVER, her response was not appreciated.
So I hinted yesterday that we were maybe thinking of having one more, just incase we do.
Mil recently told dd3 that if I made dh have another baby, that he was going to end up in the nut house. Funny, he's always been the one wanting more!
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  #17  
February 8th, 2013, 05:12 AM
HalfDozen's Avatar Formerly Number5OnTheWay
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I was very recently there!! Fortunately, we don't live near any of our families so we were able to keep it quiet for quite some time. However, I'm also a VERY good secret-keeper. I didn't tell hubby till I was 8 weeks. Our older girls found out at about 12 weeks. They told some friends, etc., but again, we live away from everyone. We told our friends who live near us at about 22 weeks. I was fortunate that I actually showed later with this one than I ever have with any of my other ones.

Anyhow, we didn't tell any of our families until we went home after Christmas (and hubby didn't go with me so I was left to break it to everyone all at once). At that point, I was like 26 weeks or so and definitely showing, but not clearly baby necessarily. Many thought I had put on some weight. My mom was appropriately excited, as were my sisters. My dad didn't say too much. I don't think he's mad or anything, but I know he worries because I'm his "little" girl, even though I'm the oldest. My in-laws were quite shocked, but the one I was worried about most was my father-in-law, and he gave me a high five!!

Believe me, not everyone was happy. I have one aunt who was very rude and stated in front of my dad's entire family, "Why would you do this? I thought you got fixed. You said you got fixed." For starter's, I never said that. Secondly, it was my hubby who was supposed to be "getting fixed", not me. Thirdly, who the heck asked you? Her son had 5 kids (1 stillborn, but 5 nonetheless). I think my mother-in-law is not necessarily overjoyed, either, but after the initial shock, she seemed at least okay.

Now, here's my dilemma. This one, so they tell us, is a boy. Hubby and I aren't convinced since we have quite the girl track record. Anyhow, everyone assumes we will be done after this, and MAYBE we will. He and I keep joking about a 6th. Last night, he told our girls we're trying to field a baseball team. I'm not sure either of us feel "done", but I suspect we'll know after we have this one.

Also, it has really recently been bothering me about everyone asking "Is this it then since you finally have your boy?" "Is one of you going to get fixed?" (That's the one I REALLY hate. We're not broken!!! "Was this planned?" Who the heck cares? This baby is coming so how it came to be is rather irrelevant. For some reason, they seem to think if it wasn't planned, then okay, but if we planned it, we MUST be crazy.

I think I caught Sarah's crabby mood.....
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  #18  
February 8th, 2013, 05:51 AM
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Number5, you hit a lot of feelings I'm having right on the head--particularly the boy thing. I'll be excited for a boy or a girl, but it really bothers me that people assume we would only do this to get a boy, and that if we "finally" get our boy, we must be done. Yes, there's a good chance this is our last biological child, but maybe not. And maybe we're not done. And it's none of their business. And I wouldn't feel like I had less or were missing out to have 4 girls, I would feel absolutely blessed!

MIL was planning to come back to town next week (she mostly lives up in WI in her lake house, although they have a house here, FIL is in town Tue-Thurs for work) and we were just going to tell them and get it over with then. But now she's not coming down because it's "not worth the hassle" to come, so I don't know when we're going to tell them. We're should know girl or boy from the blood test before Valentine's Day, we'll probably tell the kids once we know that and have chosen a name.
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  #19  
February 8th, 2013, 07:39 AM
Repti.Mom's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't really get bad responses. I guess I'm lucky. The only time I NEED help is having someone watch the kids while I'm in labor. Other that that.... I got this **** covered.
I think Rob gets comments at work, but those people should be the least of his worries honestly. He is the hardest working one there. Not my fault the rest of them have just a couple kids and can't handle the ones they have. haha
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