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Dating and boys


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  #1  
April 2nd, 2013, 06:57 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Last night my 13 yr old Diana Emily and my 17 yr old Olivia brought over their respective "boyfriends", my husband proceeded to scare the poor boys. He hand them a dating my daughter questionnaire and made the boys fill out,then proceeded to show them the skeleton that he keeps in his office,the poor boy were scared and would not speak beyond yes ma'am or yes sir. I had take them apart and I was like he is joking,he is being hard because you are dating his little girls.

But after dinner,we sat them down and laid down the rules they would know.The main rule that we told that would not be flexible on,that they will not be allow in the girls rooms under any circumstances. I told them also,they will not be allow up the stairs for any reason because the girls rooms are upstairs. If they were caught up the stairs or inside the girls rooms,they will be ask to leave the house no questions ask.And the other rule we told them,that we would not be flexible about during school night,the girls could not go out on date, the boys were welcome to come over until 10:30 but after that,they had to leave.

Do you think we being overbearing and unreasonable with my daughters boyfriend?Or you think we tone down the restrictions and the rules?This is dating is new territory for my 13 yr old and my 17 yr old never had serious that she brought over the house,so it's new territory too.
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  #2  
April 2nd, 2013, 09:28 AM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think 13 is too young. My 17 is just starting on this road. We have one basic rule: no hands or lips on my daughter.
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  #3  
April 2nd, 2013, 10:27 AM
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I think my husband cover the rule of the no hands or lips but I will remind them. Farmers, I agree with you that 13 is too young but she will be 14 soon.I rather she knows about relationships early than get into high school not know,then get taken advantage of.
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  #4  
April 2nd, 2013, 01:47 PM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I disagree. I don't really even want my 17 yo doing the mini marriage dating thing, but she is at the age where it is somewhat legitimate. 13 or 14, no way.
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  #5  
April 2nd, 2013, 02:19 PM
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I started dating when I was 14. I say "dating". Most often, it was whoever I was dating hanging out with me at my parents' house. Occasionally, we went to a movie, but usually as a group event.

I think the rules you laid out are perfectly reasonable. My dad had similar rules. Boys were welcome to come to the house on school nights, but had to leave by 10. They were occasionally allowed in my room with the door open, but that wasn't until I was a little older.
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  #6  
April 2nd, 2013, 02:19 PM
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I started dating when I was 14. I say "dating". Most often, it was whoever I was dating hanging out with me at my parents' house. Occasionally, we went to a movie, but usually as a group event.

I think the rules you laid out are perfectly reasonable. My dad had similar rules. Boys were welcome to come to the house on school nights, but had to leave by 10. They were occasionally allowed in my room with the door open, but that wasn't until I was a little older.
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  #7  
April 2nd, 2013, 03:06 PM
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I agree on the 13/14 yo being too young. No way here at my house.

I haven't had to deal with a girl dating yet as my oldest dd is only 10, but have had the experience of my oldest two boys dating.
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  #8  
April 2nd, 2013, 03:30 PM
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This is a funny one for me. I don't have a lot of 'rules', most things can be negotiated. Dating is not one of them, hard and fast they have to be 16 and not one second younger. I really do think that kids who start any earlier are just not emotionally or mentally ready, and when you look at my FB or even my older kids friends who were dating that young, you can see it.

My older kids actually came to me and thanked me (I about passed out) cause they were seeing first hand just what I meant.

As for your rules, more then fair.

Edited to add that my rules applied to the boys as well as the girls, although dad seemed to think the son's were different...you know cause they're boys. Yeah, no. That didn't fly in my house.
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  #9  
April 2nd, 2013, 04:36 PM
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I feel like the rules for girls and boys should be the same. So I wouldn't want anyone trying to scare my daughters (or my son) when they went to their home. Your girls know the rules...they can follow them on their own, and are the ones responsible to you.

I think the rule about going upstairs is very fair...they have no business up there. Same for dates on school nights.

Good luck! We are not going down this road yet, so I am taking notes from all you more experienced mamas.
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  #10  
April 3rd, 2013, 01:04 PM
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You and your husband did a great job laying out these rules. I know some parents that let their daughter's boyfriends spend the night. Its unbelievable! I think its important to teach them what appropriate boundaries look like. It will help them later in life as well.
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  #11  
April 3rd, 2013, 03:04 PM
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Our oldest is only 12, but we teach the kids the "reason" behind dating is to find a spouse and until they are ready to do that, they are just opening themselves up to issues and emotions that are not real helpful and can be hurtful in the long run.

So for us, we don't see a "reason" behind dating.
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  #12  
April 3rd, 2013, 04:50 PM
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Funny how this thread seems to be attracting so many newbies.

I have a 14 yr old and she won't be dating any time soon. I also agree that the rules should be the same whether it's boys or girls.
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  #13  
April 3rd, 2013, 05:11 PM
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We use the "looking for a spouse" thing too. I think that can be younger for girls than boys (young men and women, really). And we are not opposed to young marriage. So my now 17 yo is really at the beginning of the looking for a spouse phase. .
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  #14  
April 3rd, 2013, 06:48 PM
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I also agree that teens shouldn't be dating. When our girls (and boys!) are old enough to seriously consider marriage then I could see them entering a sort of courtship. But I really think "kids" should guard their hearts (and bodies) for their future spouse.
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  #15  
April 3rd, 2013, 07:39 PM
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We talk a lot about guarding your heart too. It seems like "don't get pregnant" is the only thing that gets focused on when it comes to talking about dating, and not a whole lot of attention is given to the emotional aspect.

Anyways, we do not have hard and fast rules about boyfriends, but we do say not to bother when you're in jr high, it's just not worth the drama.And our kids know that we would totally not drive for any "dates" After that, if you do find someone you think you like, make sure he's worth it. I totally don't believe in having a boyfriend just for the sake of having one, but I do think you can have a boyfriend that you're maybe not sure you'd marry (since the point of dating is getting to know each other) I guess all I'd want is for them to see an eventual potential.
We do try to make them feel it's their choice, I did a whole lot of sneaking around when I was in jr high because I wasn't allowed to do anything, my parents were super strict. We do intentionally keep our kids busy and do a lot of stuff with them.

So far so good, our older two are 15 and almost 14, and we haven't come to boyfriend territory yet. I don't think we would want to scare any suitors, I'd like them to feel comfortable with us, but still know that we expect them to treat our girls well.

My oldest likes to say "you were going out with daddy when you were my age" to which I reply "find a guy like you're dad and it's fine by me". But really, because we haven't been through it yet, it's pretty hard to picture right now.
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  #16  
April 3rd, 2013, 08:40 PM
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I always tell my kids that every guy they date, especially if you are going to sleep with them, is a potential partner for life: pregnancy and std's. That they better make sure that the person they are involved with is someone they are willing to have a connection with till the day they die.

I want mine to date, and wait for marriage. I want then to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person they say I do to is really their soul mate, and more then just their first love. Which can be confusing, because young love can be so consuming in the beginning.

Sam has had two boyfriends, both long term and trust me the first was not marriage material. The second I see potential. Lupan had two also, one lasted a month before I ended it, and the second one is going on three years with no signs of marriage or babies yet. Megan 2 also, learned a hard lesson at 16 and didn't date again till she was 18.
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