Log In Sign Up

Adopting our 5th...Advice needed!!


Forum: Large Families

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree19Likes

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Large Families LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
July 30th, 2013, 11:59 AM
Starchaser's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 54
Hi all, Im new to this forum, but so far am really enjoying it. Its nice to have others to bounce things off of and to be understood Thank you so much in advance for any and all input.
Our family dilemma all started three weeks ago. A 63 year old family member, who is in a less than healthy lifestyle(drug addiction), came to us and told us that he has a infant girl(born addicted to three different drugs) just born in June. The mother is currently in a 42 day detox center via CPS, and if she makes it through will get her children back. There is also a 6 year old and a 2 year old. The social worker has told us that if she relapses, or doesn't stay clean, she loses custody of the baby, as she had previously signed an adoption agreement right after the baby was born, but then changed her mind. After much soul searching our family has decided that we would like to adopt her! It felt like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders now that I am at peace with our decision. All we were thinking of was how to help her, and how to provide the best life possible for her. It was never a question of love, we always have more than enough of that here. Just house arrangements, and finances. We were already in the process of a home addition, so all the rest fell into place and now we are excited to welcome her into our family!! My problem now is the entourage of discouragement I have been receiving from family and even my closest friends. They keep reminding me for some strange reason(like we forgot), that we already have 4 children, that there are already tonnes of people out there that are waiting to adopt...and that this wasn't our "mistake" to fix. I even had my closest friend tell me that I was selfish, and wasn't making a good decision for the baby, and that if I was really thinking of the baby I would let it be adopted by a family that "needs" it. I feel so horrible now, sad and alone!! Please offer me some advice on how to deal with this, I sincerely do not know what to say or how to handle this I just wish that someone would support me, and understand my decision, or at the very least accept it.... Am I seriously being selfish in this? I really don't want to lay awake every night for the rest of my life wondering what is happening to her, or if she is being treated well or is loved
__________________
Dawn , Proud Mom to T, J, K , M , & God Willing V
Reply With Quote
  #2  
July 30th, 2013, 01:27 PM
Jenilope's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Western Chicago Suburbs
Posts: 13,663
Send a message via AIM to Jenilope
Wow. I'm shocked about how unsupportive people are being about this. There is no limit on the number of children you're allowed to have and not only will this baby be receiving love and a stable environment with doting parents, she'll also get siblings! There are many children in the world looking for forever homes, you don't owe it to anyone to let them have a "turn" by giving up this baby that you already love. Welcome her with open arms and a joyful heart, these naysayers don't know what they're talking about and I hope you find an effective way to shut down their negativity or avoid them because neither you, your husband, your 4 bio kids nor your new daughter need any of that! Best of luck to you!
__________________
~Jen
Mom to four beautiful girls
Matilda (6), Evelyn (4), Adelaide (2), Cecily (1)


Reply With Quote
  #3  
July 30th, 2013, 01:59 PM
Repti.Mom's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 15,641
That kind of stuff pisses me off. Sure, having more than 2.5 kids, you may not be paying for all of their college tuition. They might not be wearing Gap clothing every day, or eating fast food every so often etc etc. At least the kid has rules, a home, and isn't with a crack head.
__________________







Reply With Quote
  #4  
July 30th, 2013, 02:22 PM
Starchaser's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 54
Thank you both very much, I think all I really needed was some support, and not to feel selfish for my decision to love her. I do totally understand that there are many different families out there that are unable to have children, and my heart sincerely goes out to them. But in this particular situation I do feel like my family was chosen to be her's. That she was meant to be with us! Thank you so much, I sincerely appreciate your input and support very much(Hugs)~Dawn
__________________
Dawn , Proud Mom to T, J, K , M , & God Willing V
Reply With Quote
  #5  
July 30th, 2013, 02:30 PM
*Whiskey*'s Avatar Blessed
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,744
Wow. I can't believe the responses and the complete lack of support you have.

If you can provide the basics, ie, hygiene, food, shelter, love, discipline, it simply is not the business of anyone else. Sure they can offer their opinion and you must respond "Thank you for your opinion, I'm glad that you shared it with me." and then let it roll off your back.

I grew up in a family of 8 children. We didn't have a lot of the coolest toys or clothes, what we did have was an amazing family (with the normal ups and downs lol).

If you and your other half feel that this is right for your family then do it. End of story.
MIL2lissy8 and Farmers-wife like this.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
July 30th, 2013, 02:41 PM
Starchaser's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 54
Thank you so much! I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences, that things happen for a reason. Which is why I believe that she was meant to be with us. Every family has different dynamics, but there is no such thing as a perfect family. No matter what your family dynamics, you are persecuted...Have one child, they are said to be spoiled, have two boys you need a girl, have more than 3 you are on government assistance(sigh been called that). There is no perfect family, only a perfect family for each person! I sincerely appreciate your input very much, thank you(Hugs)~Dawn
__________________
Dawn , Proud Mom to T, J, K , M , & God Willing V
Reply With Quote
  #7  
July 30th, 2013, 02:43 PM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,259
A and your 63 yo family member came to you. Not another person who can't have a child. Ignore the naysayers. You are doing a great thing.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
July 30th, 2013, 02:44 PM
*Whiskey*'s Avatar Blessed
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,744
You're right, no matter what you do - in someone's opinion you're wrong.

Best thing you can do is what is right for you and your family.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
July 30th, 2013, 02:45 PM
Starchaser's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 54
Thank you so much, the support here brings tears to my eyes(Hugs)~Dawn
Farmers-wife likes this.
__________________
Dawn , Proud Mom to T, J, K , M , & God Willing V
Reply With Quote
  #10  
July 30th, 2013, 05:40 PM
UrbanMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Somewhere near Detroit, MI
Posts: 8,973
Send a message via Yahoo to UrbanMomma
Screw the negative people. You don't owe anyone else a chance at the baby because you already have children. How can it be selfish to offer a child in need a home and love? Do what you feel you are led to do!! Sounds awesome to me! ((((hugs))))
MIL2lissy8 and *Whiskey* like this.
__________________
Jenifer....The Queen Bee
Nehemiaah Franklin 11/10/14 4:16am 9lbs 9oz
Welcome to the world lil' man!!
Reply With Quote
  #11  
July 30th, 2013, 08:53 PM
Iluvmybabies*'s Avatar Proud Mama to 5 girls
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 7,562
Send a message via MSN to Iluvmybabies*
It's just sad people say the things they do or that they feel the right to say anything for that matter!

I also believe everything happens for a reason your family was chosen to be her family!!!!!
__________________
Summer(30)
Matt(37)DH & soulmate for 14yrs (V-Feb 20/08 * VR-Feb 18/11)
5 time HG survivor , AP Mama to 5 GIRLS & a BOY due Feb 2015
Karrara 9 1/2 01/11/05, Kaiah 8 07/1/06, Kayda 6 1/2 01/12/08
Katara 2 1/2 02/10/12, Korra 1 10/10/13

Reply With Quote
  #12  
July 30th, 2013, 09:29 PM
Starchaser's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 54
Thank you very much, I totally agree(Hugs)~Dawn
__________________
Dawn , Proud Mom to T, J, K , M , & God Willing V
Reply With Quote
  #13  
July 31st, 2013, 10:37 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 402
I agree with everyone else. I just don't understand how people can think adopting is wrong?????? We are pregnant with our 5th but have told people since before I was pregnant with #4 that we feel God calling us to adopt. Well after announcing this pregnancy they say, "Oh so you decided to have your own instead?" Well first of all, our adopted child will be our own and second of all, God wants us to adopt it doesn't matter how many I birth. I've also had people tell me there's no reason for me to adopt when I can have my own.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
August 1st, 2013, 07:22 AM
Starchaser's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 54
I agree wholeheartedly. I am very blessed in my life, and thank God everyday for each gift I've been given and trusted with. I don't take such gifts lightly. I feel very fortunate to have been called on for this little soul, and intend to nurture and shape this little person using all the love and happiness together our family possesses. Each member contributes to making this a family, without one our whole system would fail. Some members may get chosen by heart and not by blood, thats just the way it is. I have never been the type of person that could live my life within the socially acceptable box of 2.5 kids, white picket fence,etc. I live my life ruled only by my soul/heart and filling them both daily... I will admit there at times it can be total chaos here, extremely mindblowingly loud, and there can even be some knockdown brawls that could make the UFC envious, but I wouldn't change a thing, I LOVE IT!! Lol. I was meant to have the family I do, no question about it I shouldn't have to answer for any of my decisions to anyone who doesn't help me live with them. I admit the day I wrote this post I was quite discouraged. I hadn't realized that I would be on trial with some of my closest and dearest friends/family for trying to help an innocent little darling have a chance at a great life. To be called selfish for wanting to do that was shattering to me!! I felt so alone and low, I hesitated several times before I even wrote it feeling so overwhelmed and even shameful, and the encouragement I got here I will never, ever forget. It helped me so much more than anyone could know, and that kind of kindness to ultimately a stranger I will always hold dear to m heart. I am happy t report that I have picked myself back up and dusted myself off again ready for the next storm that I must face. Thank you all so much!
__________________
Dawn , Proud Mom to T, J, K , M , & God Willing V
Reply With Quote
  #15  
August 1st, 2013, 12:30 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,797
Congratulations of your little girl!! Your family will be so blessed to have her
__________________
Jesus loving, homeschooling, gardening lover, devoted wife to a wonderful hubby and 10 kids, ages 13 down to 12.5 months . We are expecting number 11 due January 1st, 2015.

Reply With Quote
  #16  
August 1st, 2013, 02:18 PM
Starchaser's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 54
Thank you so much(Hugs)
__________________
Dawn , Proud Mom to T, J, K , M , & God Willing V
Reply With Quote
  #17  
August 16th, 2013, 08:31 PM
Starchaser's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 54
***Sorry In Advance Major Venting Ahead!!!Please feel free to skip this, I just seriously needed to get it out today, I apologize if I offend anyone as it is not my intentions at all***
This week has proven to be a total bust. We ended up in cps office monday morning, as bm left detox on friday(not suposed to be out until the 30th in a mandatory 42 day program) The placement she had chosen to leave her 4 1/2 year old dd and her 18 month old ds turned out to be the worst possible place to have the little darlings(imagine the worst case scenario happened ).
Long story short, the social worker that has been handling this case is on vacation and wont be back until the 28th, so we have been dealing with another social worker who isnt really fully involved or completely up on the case. The story we have been given is that the bm, upon hearing what happened with the dd at the placement, left detox and went and got the 3 kids back( including baby-my niece)on Friday. Cps showed up early Saturday morning to make sure she was clean when she openly admitted she would test positive for drugs because she has taken oxicontin, so cps took the kids yet again! No thinking about her little dd's well being like a mother should be doing, she just decides to take some more drugs and have dd taken away and placed with strangers again...makes me so sad and angry!! Then when we thought that they would finally do something for the childrens sake now, given the series of events including her leaving a mandatory detox center, they tell us they are going to try to encourage her to get some help for herself and give her some time to figure ut if she wants to keep the children and sober up..and that she could potentially maintain her parental rights(via social services) for the next 15 months unless a judge decides otherwise. So all three children may potentially sit in foster homes, or being bounced around in the system until either she finally cleans up or a judge determined she is unfit! The maximum time the social worker has seen this happen is 15 months... SIGH!!! I am seriously hoping that the original social worker has some different more positive news when she comes back, because it breaks my heart to see 3 little children suffer this way. Unfortunately I dont get any say in what happens with her first two little ones(wish I did because I would take them too), but the third one is my niece, so you can bet Im going to do everything I can to help ensure she gets a loving and stable home with a family that she deserves! Its just soooo incredibly discouraging when it feels like we are fighting city hall to help this innocent little baby have a chance...why do these drug addicted individuals get all the breaks and chances it seems I feel so defeated, helpless and sad to my core.

***Sorry my original post states that her older children were 6 and 4, but only recently have their true ages been revealed to us as 4 1/2 and 18 months. So I apologize for any confusion
__________________
Dawn , Proud Mom to T, J, K , M , & God Willing V
Reply With Quote
  #18  
August 17th, 2013, 06:41 AM
Babymakes8's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,249
Is there any way possible you can get a home check done and YOU apply to foster the kids for the next 15 months?! That way 1) they are all 3 together - which I believe is important for siblings but understand it's not always possible and 2) foster parents typically get first option to adopt the children if no other family members step forward willing to adopt.

Also, tell those negative people in your life THEY are the selfish ones. CPS typically TRIES to place children with family members, be it other parent, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. If none of them are willing to open their hearts and homes to a child that is BLOOD then they need to shut their fat yaps.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #19  
August 17th, 2013, 07:24 AM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 6,259
Shut their fat yaps! I am totally going to start saying that!

I agree that you should involve yourself with cps and try to get all three. It will be work! But it will be worth it. We have a similar thing going on here with someone in our homeschool group. Drugs, another toddler, a baby. It is so sad.

Crack is whack.
*Whiskey* likes this.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
August 17th, 2013, 01:04 PM
*Whiskey*'s Avatar Blessed
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,744
I agree, you should find out if you can get the home check done and be the foster. I sure hope you can! I'll be praying for you and those three babies!
MIL2lissy8 likes this.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:47 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0