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a vent and it's long---live children mentioned


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  #1  
June 6th, 2009, 09:59 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Canada
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I have been going to a playgroup for the past few months and regularly for 3 months because one of my son's was in an Off to School program. So I have gotten to know some of the other moms and of course there has been many times that childbirth and all that has been talked about and this past week I finally mentioned Jake. And then I realized the reason I only share with people I get to know well. I got the 'well at least you have 3 healthy kids' speech. And then of course they went on to tell me every person they have ever known who has had a m/c. One mom mentioned how creepy this one friend she knew who actually took pictures of her 'late-term m/c' (she lost her baby at 30 weeks so I corrected her). It just made me extremely angry and frustrated. That's why I came to this site in the first place ( I saw it on a facebook group I joined), a place were we can all talk about our babies and not have someone tell us to move on or be grateful for what we do have, seriously how does mentioning Jake somehow equal me not being grateful for my other kids?! Sorry I am just annoyed.
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  #2  
June 7th, 2009, 08:27 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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The site that hosts my old pregnancy group hosted a thread about stillbirth, and everone who posted that had not had a still birth (it was kind of an educational/public outreach thread) was all like "EEEEW pictures are creepy, people who have them are freaks". For complicated reason I refuse to post in the thread, but it was hard not to explain why pictures and footprints and keepsakes are so important. And the girl from my old pregnancy group who led the charge of calling me a monster and treating me horribly was one of the ones who was all like "eeew creepy".

Stupid b*tch. I must be a horrible person, because I actually have wished that she could learn first hand what it's like to be a stillbirth mom. I'm definitely going to hell.
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Last edited by rebeccabaltimore and more; June 7th, 2009 at 08:30 AM.
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  #3  
June 7th, 2009, 08:36 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
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That's ignorance for ya. I actually had a not so great experience with the woman doing my u/s on Friday. She asked about my past history (how many pregnancies etc), so she asked how far along I was when I lost Eva. I told her and she told me that it was terrible, but it could have been worse since I could have lost her during delivery or something. She said that at least I didn't go into the hospital expecting to have a live baby and then not get to bring her home, "because that's bad". Now, I do agree (personally) that it would have been worse to make it to the very end of my pregnancy and lose her, but my thoughts on that would have been the fact that I would have spent an even longer time bonding with her, and I know I would have tormented myself with even more 'what ifs'. What the tech said was so off-base to me. Is it better to go into the hospital knowing that you are going to be induced, have to labour and be in pain, all for nothing? I found that part of it so..... I don't know. I felt extreme anger at the unfairness of it. That's just my thoughts on the matter. Either way, she has no idea since she's never gone through it, so who is she to tell me what's better in this sort of situation? Why don't people realize that not every situation requires their opinions and input?
Sorry to thread-jack you here, but it seems to be a common issue. People feel so compelled to speak when they should really just shut-up. I hate that it leaves me with an uncomfortable choice regarding whether I try to educate them (not always well received) or let it go (which leaves me with unresolved frustration and anger), and I would rather not met with this decision at all.
As for the 'be grateful for the kids you have', we are grateful, just as every good and loving parent out there is grateful for their children. Having lost one should not mean that you appreciate your other children more, because you should feel that way regardless. I would have maybe said "So, there is some part of you that isn't all that grateful for your children because you haven't lost one. That is so sad", and pat her on the arm. See how she likes it.
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  #4  
June 7th, 2009, 11:26 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Wow, yeah...I didn't have a living child before I lost Cora, so my remarks are a little different but in the same vein. You know, I should be "all better" now that I have living kids.

And Laurie, I agree with you...it was so hard to be told I wasn't going to get to take Cora home and realize that I still had to do the whole labor & delivery thing. Every contraction was a betrayal. The one thing that makes labor and delivery worthwhile was taken from me. There was no point to it.

And as for the pictures...well...You know every funeral I have ever been exposed to that didn't involve cremation they had people taking pictures of the person in the casket. We take pictures to remember.

I get to take pictures of Erin and Patrick every day. I have pictures of them all over my walls. I only have two of Cora up on her shelf. They are all I get. We're not doing it out of some morbid, grotesque fascination. We're doing it because they are our children and we love them just as much as any other child. I hate when people try to rob us of that.
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  #5  
June 7th, 2009, 11:33 AM
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I forgot to address the pictures. You take pictures so that you have some. If you were to have an older child pass, you would have pictures of them living. You may or may not desire to have some after they passed, as that is dependent on the person. For someone that loses their child before birth, the only pictures they can ever have of their child are from after they passed. I think we would all prefer to have pictures of our beautiful children alive and well, but we weren't so lucky. Don't call us morbid because we want everything we can get of our angels. Sorry. I promise that this is my last rant.
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  #6  
June 7th, 2009, 11:48 AM
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I would love to be surprised with someone saying, 'i am so sorry that must be heartbreaking' instead of what I usually hear. My mom thinks having pictures is morbid too but she just doesn't get it at all and I have tried and tried to explain it but I think with some people they will never understand unless they go through the same loss. I don't like sharing Jake for that reason, I hate explaining and then being told, oh well at least u went on to have more or the comment "You took pictures!?"
Laurie -- rant and vent away, I am sure we all have heard many, many idiot comments that just make you want to scream. BTW that would have been a perfect comment to make about being grateful!
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  #7  
June 7th, 2009, 12:05 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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Right now, everyone is so understanding of what DH and I are going through, but I know as soon as I get pregnant people are going to expect me to be all better.
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  #8  
June 7th, 2009, 12:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rebeccabaltimore View Post
Right now, everyone is so understanding of what DH and I are going through, but I know as soon as I get pregnant people are going to expect me to be all better.
I hope it doesn't change and they are still understanding.
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  #9  
June 7th, 2009, 01:47 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LauraG View Post
I hope it doesn't change and they are still understanding.
I have a few friends that understand. Most though, seem to be the "now you're all better" type. I don't think that they mean to be, they just get all concerned when I talk about Cora like I'm suffering from depression or there's something wrong because I'm not "over" it yet. They never say it in words, just in actions. It still makes me feel the same way though.
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