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How did/does everyone else handle pregnancy after stillbirth?


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  #1  
July 12th, 2009, 09:00 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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I think I am slowly losing it. I started out this pregnancy in denial. I didn't think about the pregnancy much during the 1st trimester as a sort of self-preservation tactic. Once I entered the 2nd trimester and started showing, I waited for the movement to start because I thought that I would find that comforting. I have been feeling consistent movement for the last couple of weeks, and it is comforting, but it has become an obsession. I am scared and thrown by the many similarities that this pregnancy has to my pregnancy with Eva. They both had/have anterior placentas (attached on the front of the uterus) so I was told I wouldn't feel movement until later, they both move so much during appointments that it is difficult to count the heartbeats, they both caused m/s that lasted until 18 weeks or so, and (if they were right at the n/t scan) they are/were both girls.
I am worried about the movements because I didn't feel much with Eva, and that is why I didn't panic when the movements slowed/stopped. Honestly, this one is a bit different. I feel far more than I did with her, but that doesn't make the worry go away. I have been on holidays for the last two weeks so I have spent most of it sitting or lying down so I can feel those beautiful kicks. That is when I feel them most. I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I won't be able to do this. I am scared that this will be a problem for me. I am seriously stopping to check for movement all the time, and I feel something akin to panic up until I feel the baby kick. How am I going to make it through work everyday?
Also, (strangely enough) the fact that the baby likes to move so much scares me. They never discovered the cause of Eva's death, but I still worry about cord accidents (although they told me that Eva's death wasn't caused by a cord accident), so I am obsessing about that, too.
People don't understand why I am a basket case, not really. They say they do, but their eyes say they don't. I am trying to hide my craziness, but it is honestly affecting my day to day life. How did the rest of you make it through? Did you have the same issues? I could really use some advice. I still have 4 months to go before I am done work, and I am not sure how I will make it to the end.
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  #2  
July 12th, 2009, 09:13 AM
SimplyJenalee's Avatar Super Mommy
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oh hun...I am feeling the exact same way you are. Its so hard and I hate even thinking something could go wrong again but my mind always goes there...especially since I will feel flutters one day, a big kick another day, back to flutters, then nothing for a day, and so on. I keep telling myself once I can feel the constant kicking I will be better...but like you...I think I will then just always be waiting for them and freak out if I feel nothing for awhile. Its so stressful...We just have to take it one day at a time and just attempt to the best of our ability to stay positive.
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  #3  
July 14th, 2009, 10:53 PM
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I had a desk job with my first pregnancy after Jake and would have cold water at my desk and drink and drink and poke my belly all day. Looking back I am not sure how I made it because all the nurses and my doctors could see how stressed I was but I thought i was semi ok. I did try to take it appointment by appointment or kick counter by kick counter. As long as I felt movement it helped but it was tough. It definitely tests your sanity. Can you lie down or sit down a few times at work, during breaks, and feel for movement? Sorry I can't be a help. I know that what works for one person doesn't always work for another. I definitely had the same issues and there was some comfort in the massive amounts of appointments I had. And knowing I could go for a nst anytime I wanted one. I have to say my 2nd was the perfect one to have after Jake because he was extremely active, placenta was not in the front like I had with Jake.
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  #4  
July 15th, 2009, 03:03 PM
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I have a (mostly) desk job and I try to stretch out and wait for the kicks but I am usually so busy that I don't get to do that much. Sometimes I am so busy that I am sure I am being kicked, but I don't really notice. Not enough for me to say "the baby kicked an hour ago". Isn't that terrible? I do feel them throughout the day (this is a very active baby!) but I still have moments where I panic.
I am really going appointment to appointment, but I liken it to a nicotine addiction. You have one cigarette and you feel better, but as the time passes the urge for another one builds until you come to really NEED that cigarette. Sorry, I'm an ex-smoker and this is the best analogy I could come up with.
I just wish it was December. That would be great!
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  #5  
July 15th, 2009, 09:43 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I never know what to answer when people ask this question. How did I make it through? Honestly I have no idea. But I did. Still (mostly) sane.

It was actually better when I was busier, because I wasn't fixating on feeling the movements and such things.

I know how it feels though honey. It's so hard.
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  #6  
July 15th, 2009, 11:32 PM
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I didnt work and I was a constant mess too. Honestly I don't know how I got through 9 months but I did and you will too. I went to see my friend, a nurse, at her hospital a few times because I just had to hear her heartbeat. I would suggest getting a doppler if you can. I know a lot of us relied on that and it was the only thing that got us through until the next ultrasound. I know for me having an u/s every month was the only way I got through, and I was always anxious waiting for that next one. Hang in there and december will be here before you know it. My hannah is a dec. baby too. Its a great month to have a baby!!
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  #7  
July 16th, 2009, 02:28 PM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Awww. I am extremely worried this pregnancy too. It has been very emotionally trying. One reason you may be feeling more pronounced movement is this is a subsequent pregnancy (your fourth actually) and you are of avergae stature, which are both components for feeling fetal movement earlier in gestation and more clearly.

I am fat and started feeling flutters at 14 weeks this pregnancy but I do not feel defined kicks often. However I am showing alot more with this pregnancy and my uterus seems to be growing better than it did with Roald, even though they are telling us this baby is also small for gestational age like he was. We are having a girl too! Wouldn't it be weird if all of us who are pregnant had girls this time??? lol
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  #8  
July 16th, 2009, 03:17 PM
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Do you mind me asking where you got your doppler and how much it was? I saw one a couple of months ago, but I doubted how well it would work. It was only $40, and that seemed pretty inexpensive for such an important piece of equipment. Also, one of the major reasons I haven't bought one is that I am afraid that I will hear my own heartbeat and mistake it for the babies. When I was in the ER the night before the u/s that told us we had lost her, they used the doppler and we heard a heartbeat. I thought it was the babies, and they never corrected me. There was no way it was Eva's heartbeat, and I am scared that I will make the same mistake again.
The girl thing would be funny. Do we know what everyone is having?
I just can't help wishing that it was December and I had a healthy baby. I want that so badly I can almost taste it, if you know what I mean. It just makes me a bit sad because this would be my last pregnancy and I just want to rush through it. I finally told my bosses at work this week, and that was a terrifying thing to do. I keep thinking "What if something goes wrong again". Ugh. I am truly my own worst enemy sometimes.
I hope you start getting those big kicks soon, Bonnie. They are the best things in the world.
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  #9  
July 16th, 2009, 07:39 PM
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Do home dopplers have a screen with the heart rate on it? If they are like the ones at the doc's office then you should be able to tell the difference just by the heart rate.
I loved you analogy! That is exactly how it is Laurie.
It's interesting that most of us who have gone on to have live babies say we are not sure how we made it through the 9 months. Maybe it is all survival mode, you just do what you have to do to get through it.
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