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I am 24 weeks tomorrow. I was 24 weeks 6 days when I had Roald, but 24 weeks 5 days when I did most of my laboring and 24 weeks 4 days when we found out he was dead....and he died around the 24 week mark. So now I feel depressed. Adding to it is that we know Vera is not growing right and have no clue if she is going to be okay or if she has a disorder or disease or if she is going to be born alive or not or what. I just keep worrying about feeling kicks and when I do feel them I'm happy but I am not as happy as I was before our 21-week ultrasound this pregnancy.
Before that ultrasound I had no reason to actually believe anything would be wrong...they told me Roald's problem wasn't genetic and wouldn't repeat. Ugh. I just want to punch them. Even if something different is wrong with Vera it's still not fair. As if pregnancy after stillbirth isn't bad enough when you are carrying a healthy baby they tell you it looks like stuff isn't going right but hell we don't know what and there's nothing we could do anyway til 26-28 weeks. *** you.
Plus our insurance from Bill's last job ran out on Saturday and my next OB appt. was supposed to be Aug 5 but we can't afford to pay for it out of pocket so we postponed it to Aug 11 and we are hoping the cobra stuff comes by then. I want another ultrasound to see her.....but then a huge part of me doesn't want an ultrasound. I want to see her but I don't want to hear the measurements. I don't want to know she's still not measuring right. Or worse....
It is looking like I will get my next ultrasound at 27 weeks and then at 28 weeks on I will be seen weekly or every 2 weeks for ultrasounds, check ups, NSTs. I want them NOW **** it. This is the worst week to not be able to go to the doctor. I want to hear her heartbeat. It's as though I don't believe the kicks.
I miss Roald. I can't believe I am as far as I was when he died. Now it's like I'm just expecting something bad to happen any day now. This is why I wrote that poem the other night. I am going to go through all his things again. I never did post the poem Bill wrote to me as if it were from Roald for Mother's Day....I will post that later or tomorrow. I just feel like crap.
Oh honey, I had that foreboding feeling with both Erin and Patrick. I think it's natural, especially when you've never had a positive outcome with pregnancy. ESPECIALLY when things aren't looking textbook perfect . As if you weren't worried enough anyway, to see that there might be a real concern has got to be so hard.
Bonnie, this must be a really difficult time for you and I, too, am praying and hoping that all is well with your beautiful Vera. It's hard not to worry and concern yourself with her well-being, and I can TOTALLY relate to your wanting to hear her heartbeat just to know she's okay ... I agree, it's almost like the kicks aren't enough.
Just take it one day at a time. Enjoy the kicks, cherish the moments. You are in my thoughts (((HUGS))).
Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!
I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).
*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*