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For those of you who have gone on to have a healthy living baby after your stillbirth, how hard was it? I remember after I lost Robert, I was willing to make any deals with God that I could to just be pregnant again. I swore I would never complain, I would just enjoy it, etc... Now here I am and I am completely miserable. I feel almost guilty even posting this. I am just tired of being a baby growing machine. I can't stand going through this pregnancy with no guarantee that I will have a healthy and living baby. I am not enjoying my pregnancy. I feel like a fat cow. My legs hurt all the time, I have constant headaches, I am just plain miserable. I try to keep up with some exercise, but the weather here has been hot and rainy, so I can't even keep up with my walking outside. I want the best for Madylyn but I can't help but want to just be skinny and me again. I cry all the time, not because I miss Robert, but because I am just plain tired of being pregnant. I want her here. But I know I can't have her yet, and I want her alive, but it is so hard to convince myself that she will even make it here alive. I keep all baby stuff confined to the nursery because I am scared to move it where I can se eit and jinx this. To make things worse, my husnad is losing weight (we are going to FL in September) and it makes me cry even more because I want to be skinny and pretty again. Not a fat pregnant woman who is miserable. He doesn't understand why I am always upset and he acts like this is nothing. making a baby is no work at all. I work 40 hours a week, all on my feet, all on cement floors. No matter how much I do, I gain at least a pound a week. I just want it to be December. I want Madylyn here safe, alive, and healthy. I want christmas this year to be the complete opposite of what last years was. And I just dont want to pregnant again for a while. For those of you who make it to the end of this, thank you for listening. I hope someone knows how I feel.
*A HUGE thank you to Maitri for my beautiful siggy!
I'm not pregnant yet (Or am I? I'm in the 2ww) but I am pretty sure that when I am I will feel exactly as you do. My pregnancy with Ethan was high risk and difficult even before we found out we were losing him. I suffered from SEVERE morning sickness, so bad that I was hospitalized several times for it, and there are no medications that could treat it without causing serious side effects. I am also bipolar and became quite unstable during my pregnancy. I desperately want to be pregnant, and yet I am so scared of living through the nightmare of morning sickness that I am having panic attacks about being pregnant again. I desperately want another child, but I am scared out of my mind of being pregnant again. I could very well be pregnant now HOORAY but OH GOD I COULD BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW
I definitely think what you're feeling is normal because I feel the same way.