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feeling like a ticking time bomb...


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  #1  
April 25th, 2010, 08:08 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 982
i hate talking about this...i feel like if i ignore it then i'm fine. Not everyone around me (ie my students, i teach at a different school now than I did last year) knows about what happened with Joey and I don't want to explain it to everyone....so I have to act like everything is fine.

but i just broke down in the shower just now for the first time. i'm so scared. the doctor i saw 2wks ago assured me that they would be very proactive if ANYTHING happened at all that could even possibly compromise Felicity's health and that as soon as possible they would get her out...that I would not lose a baby under his care. We both feel the practice I was with during Joey's pregnancy should have acted sooner and could have gotten him out alive (what a sucky feeling that is) even if his death wasn't actually caused by the issues that I had, they should have induced me sooner.

But I feel like a ticking time bomb. I still have 7w to get to the point where Joey died...but all I keep thinking about is that I'm going to wake up one morning and Felicity will not be moving and I will have that same dead weight in my belly like I did after Joey died. Every time Felicity gets more active than normal I freak out because Joey was spazzing out the night before he died and I later learned that can be a sign of cord compression. What I feel with Felicity is not nearly the same as what I felt with Joey...Joey's movements that night struck me as odd whereas Felicity's all feel normal. I learned to trust my gut a lot more this time and so far I have a good feeling.....

,.....I am just so afraid. I know that it is not fun to have a baby in the NICU. I know that I really don't want to leave a hospital without a baby even if she is alive and in the NICU. But 2 babies have been born in my ddc this week...and it makes me wish mine would be too. I just want her out while I know she is alive....I have no idea what tomorrow will bring....but today she is alive. So just GET HER OUT!

I'm only 33w and I only have 3-6 more weeks until my induction (I won't be pregnant past 39w). But as soon as they mention it I will be at the hospital door lol. I used to think I'd want to wait until 39w to give her as much of a chance as possible to cook...but not anymore. I just want her out.

Plus I'm done being pregnant. I'm tired of the swelling (I feel like taking "feet pictures" instead of "belly pictures" lol)...tired of being tired...tired of pelvic pressure...tired of my crotch hurting...tired of not being able to play on the floor with my son...tired of waking up everytime I turn over in bed because it hurts my pubic bone SO much. I have been pregnant for almost 22months....a full term pregnant, 5 months off (which were barely a break considering I was grieving), and now 33w of another pregnancy. I'm just done. Physically. Emotionally. I want a baby and I want my body back.
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Kathryn
Married to my best friend Tom since 2004 (together since 1999)
Mommy to two little boys:
Jamie ~ 7-12-04 ~ fun, crazy, transformer loving tough-guy mama's boy
and
Joey ~ 4-4-09 ~ born sleeping ~ held under my heart for 40wk1d, in my arms for just 6 short hours but he will be in my heart forever
And finally holding my little girl,Felicity Rose, Born into Daddy's loving hands on June 9, 2010

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  #2  
April 25th, 2010, 08:26 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
This is exactly how I felt at this point in both subsequent pregnancies. Actually I'm quite sure I at one point posted a thread with the exact same title. It sucks. It really sucks.

The night before Erin was born, when I was eating dinner before heading in to the hospital, I felt like I'd been pregnant forever.

I wish I could give you a guarantee.
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  #3  
April 25th, 2010, 09:47 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,705
Kathryn, it must be so frustrating and scary. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I wish I could do more for you. Felicity will most likely be just fine, but we all know too well that there are no guarantees so I can see why you are freaking out a bit. I just want to offer you . I hope you're able to relax a bit.

P.S. I still lurk on the June DDC from time to time and I was totally overcome with jealousy when I saw that shannonrenee had her baby girl...I was not expecting that reaction, but I was angry.
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  #4  
April 26th, 2010, 08:06 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,760
I'm only 20 weeks, but I'm so nervous and scared every day of this pregnancy, so I really know where you're coming from. Sometimes I wish it didn't happen at 39 weeks with Eric but earlier. That way at least I would've calmed down a bit once I passed that mark. I don't know what to tell you other than this is a different pregnancy. I know it's hard not to relate the symptoms/feelings you're experiencing now with your previous pregnancy. I would be the same way. I wish tomorrow would be June for you and September for me. I wish we could enjoy our pregnancies instead of freaking out all the time.
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  #5  
April 26th, 2010, 08:51 AM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Southern Cali
Posts: 2,517
I also wrote a post with this title when I was about as far along as you with Cammie.

I woke up every morning and couldn't breathe until she moved because I was afraid she had died during the night.

It sucks but you'll get through it and when you're holding her in your arms it will all be worth it.
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  #6  
April 26th, 2010, 10:22 AM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
I wish I had some comforting words to help you through these next few weeks, Kathryn. I know deep in my heart that Felicity will be perfectly fine, but for you, being in the position you are with your previous pregnancy, I completely understand why you're so nervous.

Hoping that these next few weeks just fly by for you and in no time you'll be holding your sweet, healthy little girl
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  #7  
April 26th, 2010, 01:20 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 982
I remember reading your posts Alicia and Steph when you got down to the end with your rainbow babies. And I remember feeling that though I was prego, I was feeling calm at that point and shocked that i was handling things so well. I remember wondering how it would be when I got that far along.

Well...now I know! lol. But reading your stories, and knowing your babies are adorable and snuggly adn home with you gives me hope for sure! So I thank you guys for sharing your stories with us

It is such an odd mix of feelings...even though I'm so scared, I'm so freakin excited too.,...I just can't wait for her to get here!
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Kathryn
Married to my best friend Tom since 2004 (together since 1999)
Mommy to two little boys:
Jamie ~ 7-12-04 ~ fun, crazy, transformer loving tough-guy mama's boy
and
Joey ~ 4-4-09 ~ born sleeping ~ held under my heart for 40wk1d, in my arms for just 6 short hours but he will be in my heart forever
And finally holding my little girl,Felicity Rose, Born into Daddy's loving hands on June 9, 2010

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  #8  
April 26th, 2010, 05:04 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!! I feel this way exactly!! It is VERY hard. I mean VERY hard to get through each day without running to the hospital to make sure everything is ok. I'm just scared all the time that I'm missing something. Someone will say, "Is baby moving well?" And I'll think, 'Oh my gosh, when is the last time I noticed the baby moving. I did my kick counts a few hours ago but now I can't think if baby has moved at all.' It is like constant. Ugh!!

But, we can make it! I know we can!! We are going to have healthy babies. Babies born screaming and healthy and pink and who can come home with us!
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  #9  
April 27th, 2010, 03:33 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
I definitely could have written this post myself. I lost Ethan so early, and felt so much better when i hit his loss date, I guess I just assumed that I'd feel that way up until delivery. NOPE. Every time I get a headache I think it's pre-e. when my fundal height measured high yesterday, I was absolutely positive I had developed macrosomia and polyhydramnios in the span of two days (when really it's because I was overweight pre-pregnancy). If Grant takes longer than 20 minutes to do his kick counts, I'm positive it's fetal distress. I have nightmares every night, panic attacks too. Everyone expects me to be all happy and glowing all the time because I'm 9 months, and I am when I'm around people, but 10 seconds alone and I'm a mess. The long car rides to my NSTs are a nightmare.

So when my peri suggested doing an amnio Thursday and delivering Friday (37 weeks) I JUMPED at it. My BP is starting to get high, and the anxiety is just making it worse. I feel guilty for being so eager. If the amnio comes back showing immaturity and we have to wait a week I'm going to be so crushed. I know I should let him bake as long as possible, but I just can't wait around for one of my high risk issues to implode.

You are so brave Kathryn. I don't know if this rant of mine is any help or even makes any sense, but please know that you are not alone
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  #10  
April 27th, 2010, 06:09 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 982
You make perfect sense Rebecca! I had an appointment today and my fundal height is measuring 2w ahead! eek! At 27w my growth scan had baby herself measuring 5days ahead....I'm going to have another growth scan next week to see if she is really big or if it is just because i'm short, but I haven't been measuring big consistently...I was right on the last few appointments, this is new. SO.

On the upside, someone in my ddc had her baby this weekend at 34ish weeks and baby is breathing on her own. My other ddc on thebabywearer.com had her twin boys at 35w and they are "take home" babies....no help needed breathing or feeding and weigh enough to go home.

Rebecca...I am all for natural child birth and used to balk at induction. However, like you, I know I will JUMP at the chance to get baby out asap as soon as they mention anything about induction. It is a mix of just being anxious and uber excited to meet our baby, and feeling that the sooner we get her out the better.

I am just SO thrilled for you that you get to meet Grant THIS WEEK!!(positive thoughts...i think he'll be fine and this is the week!) Thinking of you CONSTANTLY!
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Kathryn
Married to my best friend Tom since 2004 (together since 1999)
Mommy to two little boys:
Jamie ~ 7-12-04 ~ fun, crazy, transformer loving tough-guy mama's boy
and
Joey ~ 4-4-09 ~ born sleeping ~ held under my heart for 40wk1d, in my arms for just 6 short hours but he will be in my heart forever
And finally holding my little girl,Felicity Rose, Born into Daddy's loving hands on June 9, 2010

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  #11  
April 27th, 2010, 07:50 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Rebecca, that stress is so hard! I'm really hoping that Grant's lungs are good and that you can induce this weekend! Scary and way exciting all at once!!
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  #12  
April 28th, 2010, 07:55 AM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Southern Cali
Posts: 2,517
I did the same as you Rebecca! I had an amnio at 36 weeks and delivered Cammie at 36w2d.
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