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Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum, I actually don't have very much experience with forums at all so I hope its alright that I've started a new topic to introduce myself. I'm here I guess looking for support, and advice, and potentially, virtual friends - as I feel very isolated to date and I am incredibly stressed out. So I suppose I'll start with the basics --
My name is Coral, I am 23 years old and already the Mother to the most beautiful, precious, smart, funny, and just all around incredible human being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, my daughter, Indi-Bensin. The revelation I was to be the Mother of her completely changed my life for the better, as I was on a rather rough road that was more than likely headed nowhere. I am the sole custodial guardian of this child, and only recently - what with her being nearly 3 now has the Father decided to be apart of my life. Which actually took me by quite a surprise as when I first foundout I was expecting I tried very hard to no prevail to have him involved with everything from pregnancy, to visitation after her birth. He rejected it all. Which after the first few months was fine with me because my entire life became about her and her alone, and I started to begrudge the very idea with sharing her with anyone else. During my pregnancy I cut ties with everyone I knew aside from family and moved to the opposite side of the Country, because, let's just say, they weren't the sorts of people I wanted to raise a child around. It's been pretty much her and I ever since, until last March, when out of absolute nowhere I was subpoenaed for SPLIT custody. I couldn't believe it, I was devestated that I might potentially endup with only half of the time I have with my daughter. Especially considering for the first two years of her life he denied she was even of his blood, and he'd only ever seen her about 4 times in total. After a brutal custody battle I regretfully gave him access, which to this day I still regret because I miss her so much when she's gone, but, he is not a bad Father, and that little part of me that still holds common sense in this situation knows she deserves a relationship with him, even if I think HE doesn't. Aside from that, I had started a new relationship with someone I figured would take on the role of Father for her, and low and behold did a great job thus far. In my mind, we were family, and we would be together forever. More than anything I wanted another child, he knew that even before him that's all I ever wanted out of life, was one more, a son. Because being a Mother was the most fufilling title I'd ever experianced, and one of the only things in my life I can honestly say I've ever been really really good at. We toyed with the idea, and we tried, (well, I tried) for a very long time, but alas, nothing. Then, after the worst routine doctors appt. I had ever walked out of, I was told I would need a biopsy to figure out whether or not some of the abnormal cells on the walls of my cervix were cancerous. Sure enough, when the test results came back, it was just that. Stage two. I made another appt. to talk to my Doctor about what my options were, they weren't good. A hysterectomy/ chemo/ radiation - everything I feared. The hysterectomy was to be scheduled for my birthday - August 1st of this year. I left that appt. feeling so sick to my stomache, and soon after slumped into a very deep dark depression, I guess I just wasn't meant to have another child. And the thought of that was heartbreaking. However, on some insane flook of a chance, I got pregnant again, and I was absolutely esctatic but still sort of scared, because of my fears of things like ectopic pregnancy, or not being able to keep it at all because of my condition. I went back to the Doctor who was very happy for me, we did an early ultrasound, and its not ectopic, the embreyo was attatched to the lining of my uterus, snug, and exactly where it should be - with a heartbeat of 104. And the hysterectomy could be pushed off until I gave birth by C-section, I would just have to have the procedure done as soon as baby was born. I foundout I was 6 weeks five days, and I was on cloud nine. When my boyfriend foundout he was weary, but happy. He laid on my stomache, and he spoke to the baby, even though he knew baby couldnt hear him, and he for a few days he did all the cutesy things that Mother's with their partners get to experiance when they're together that I missed out on with my daughter. Seemingly, my life was perfect. Too perfect. A few weeks later, he went away to work. When he came home everything had changed, he took every oppurtunity he could to be out of the house and away from me, stayed with friends, partied. When I finally got him back around he told me he wanted nothing to do with this, that it was getting in the way of his dreams to be a famous musician, that I was selfish and horrible for even asking him to be apart of this, and even more so if I followed thru with having this baby. He begged me to have an abortion, I was every name in the book for not understanding how much this was going to mess his life up. I am destroyed once again. This is my last and only shot to have another child. This is all I ever wanted, even before him. And he has ripped MY dreams out from underneath of me. I'm so stressed out. I'm so wrecked. And I feel even worse, as from time to time we will talk online and he has had me half convinced that I can't do this on my own, and that I SHOULD terminate for his sake, Even going as far as to threaten me with suicide should I not do as he asks. Of course, I come back to my senses shortly after every time, hold myself, and cry, and apologize to the baby for even thinking such thoughts. But I'm so up down, left, right, and I really feel like I'm losing it. He came back last week, with his mind changed once again, and back on board with the idea of allowing me to do this. He even got this strange unstoppable craving for popsiccles, and we joked it was sympathy cravings because I wanted them too. Everything seemed fine. But, once again, I'm evil because he's not ready for nor does he want anything to do with it again. I'm back in my depression. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and I hate myself all the more for being this stressed out because I know its bad for my child, but I can't help it when one day all is well the next I feel like I'm in a living hell. Back to second guessing myself. And it hurts all the more every time this happens. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where I stand. And I feel like the baby can feel all of this uncertaintity and its going to endup having adverse effects on him or her. I don't want to raise another child in a broken home, but I do. I really don't know what I want anymore. I'm ranting. Sorry everyone, but it felt good to tell this to someone else, even if it is just a computer screen. I just feel guilty coming from all angles. It sucks. It's like whatever solution I come up with is wrong. I don't know. I don't know.
Last edited by IndisMumplusone; July 12th, 2013 at 10:05 AM.
Hi and welcome to JM. I am so sorry you are going through a stressful time in your life. Browse the list of boards. There are many that may be helpful to you to meet others that can offer you some advice or insight. Best of luck to you