[*KittyCat*]

DF and i are just at the beginning of our journey really. We started TTC last april and only recently went to the doctors. DF's SA came back with a problem, i'm waiting for my second set of tests to confirm ovulation. But basically our doctor has told us we are looking at IVF, probably ICSI.

Obviously this news has left us devestated. At the minute i feel like i'm just trying to take deep breaths and fight back tears at the unfairness of it all. I suppose you all went through the same thing. infertility affects some people, but i still wonder why did it have to be us? It's unfair really, because we have hope, some couples have no hope, i know i'm being selfish, but i still feel angry and upset that it had to be us.

I'm angry at the situation, it's no ones fault we are here, but i still feel so angry that we are facing this. I have a horrible fear that the IVF won't work, that we'll never have kids. Even the prospect of waiting for the treatment is driving me insane.

We haven't even seen the fertility consultant yet. (i'm in the UK so we should get one cycle of treatment free, but there is a waiting list) I don't know how long we have to wait though, probably three years

How do you keep positive that you will have your baby? I know i'm only right at the beginning of what will undoubtably be a long and hard road. I feel so heartbroken right know, so many unanswered questions. I don't know if i have the strength to go through this and lets face it, the odds for a BFP at the end of an IVF cycle aren't that great.

I'm trying to look on the bright side, but right now i feel so bleak and am terrified our future may be one without children

[shez26]

Hi, just lurking! My DH was diagnosed with low count (1.9million@1st SA and 3 million@2nd SA), motility and morphology..........we're also in the UK and because i have a daughter from a previous relationship we weren't entitled to any free treatment. We waited 3-4 months to see a RE who confirmed the MFI and said that the only option was IVF with ICSI nd that we'd need to pay for any and all treaments. We stopped TTC while we saved up what we needed, 4 weeks after our RE app i got a BFP all on our own, she's now nearly 11 months and then when she was 12 weeks we got another BFP on our own and that bump is due in a few weeks. Dont give up hope is all i can tell you, we were devastated when we found out about our infertility, DH was beside himself cos he thought it was his fault. Stay close to each other, talk openly to each other about it and face it as a team! I hope your waiting list for IVF isn't too long,

xxxxx

[*KittyCat*]

thanks for your reply, can you remember what the results of your DH SA, motility and morphology were? ours was, 39% excellent, 10% sluggish and 7% morphology if i remember correcly.

If you can remember what yours came back as, it would be good for a comparision seeing as you've managed to conceive twice naturally, if you see what i mean!

i'm still not sure how bad the results are, i know they aren't great, but i don't know how bad, mild, moderate or severe? thinks the conc was about 14-15 mill per ml, but 3.2 ml overall, so had about a count of 45 million overall.

[BeckyM]

Infertility is hard to deal with, emotionally & physically. What's helped me the most is the support I've received with family, friends, and JM. We found out this year that my DH is completely infertile. This was devastating news, and completely unexpected. I asked myself and God all the same questions you've asked, and came to realize that there aren't really any answers. We'll never know why our TTC journeys are so much more difficult. It is what it is, and once we got over the initial shock of our situation DH & I realized that we WILL be parents regardless of the biological connection. Our choice is to try to get pg using donor sperm, and we hope to be back to TTC this next cycle proceeding with an IUI. Another thing I feel has helped me tremendously is that we took a break for several cycles. We (especially me) needed some time to handle this shock and grieve the children we'll never have that are biologically connected to both of us. I feel so much more at peace now and more positive by taking this break. I know that if we'd proceeded immediately with an IUI and it wasn't successful those BFNs would have just been too much emotionally to deal with along with everything else I was feeling. The odds are not that great, but they're also not that great for ANY couple each cycle (regardless of whether they have infertility issues), also my age & PCOS decreases my chances even more, so I suggest to not focus on the low odds for success, instead look at the many ladies who are getting pg who've struggled with infertility, think positive thoughts, and know inside yourself that you will be a Mommy someday!

So, hang in there & I hope you can get all your information soon and can make decisions that will work best for you & your family.

[~April04~]

((hugs)) I'm sorry you have to go through this - infertility is very hard to deal with... and when its MFI - it seems to be even harder because you really have NO control over it at all.

What helped me when I was feeling really down was to just remember that one way or another - some day - we WOULD have our baby. I tried my hardest to not let myself get too negative (really really hard at times though). Let yourself mourn the fact that you might not have a baby "naturally" - there's nothing wrong with being upset over that and you should mourn it..... but then move on and look at the good points..

Waiting for so long and going through so much makes you appreciate your pregnancy and baby so much more- You get that special insight that not many people get. And IVF odds are VERY good!!! Most clinics nowadays have about a 50% success rate and that's awesome!!

Here's our story:

We were diagnosed with MFI in Feb/March 2008 - My DH went on Clomid in October 2008 - we did two rounds of IUI - both failed (first count post wash was 357,000 - second IUI his counts postwash were 950,000 - so really low both times).. the IUI's didn't work.. We moved onto ICSI IVF - first cycle - 9 eggs - 7 mature - 6 fertilized - 4 made it to blast - put back 2 and we're now over 8 weeks pregnant.. So IVF DOES work - and your percentages are higher when you're just dealing with MFI..

Wow this got long lol. sorry.. I'll leave you with my favorite quote..

I will be better...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother

[Jessie0505]

wow..you sound just like me! my dh had 0% morphology and we were told that pretty much our only hope is ivf with icsi.. when i first found out...just the words you will need ivf...made me want to curl up and just cry my lil heart out...well i did that when i got home..i was in denial..i kept saying i think the dr is wrong...well dhs second analysis confirmed it..but now ive come to acceptance..what got me to where i am now..(getting ready for ivf in a few months) is God, and just trying my hardest to look at it as this is a better chance then the one i have now..this is one step closer to that child ive yearned for for so long...its hard..i wont lie..i still cry and i still think what if it doesnt work..but as it gets closer..i get more excited! i hope you feel better...infertility is a tough road...but i believe there is a reason we got chosen to go through it!! good luck..my REs nurse told us..that there is still a small chance we can do it on our own..if she is telling us that at 0% morphology..i think you still have a chance!

[shez26]

My DH's motility was i *think* about 40% with 20% have progressive motility (moving forward), his morphology i think was the least severe at around 3% abnormal or something like that. Sorry i dont know the exact figures.

[Brandiwine77]

It's definitely hard to stay positive at times. DH and I have been trying for over 2 1/2 years. When we got married, we knew there was a chance he would have some issues, due to a birth defect and necessary surgeries he had to have when he was a child. He was diagnosed with low count in early 2008, and had surgery in June of 2008 to hopefully fix the problem. We've not been able to have a repeat SA to see the results of the surgery, but hopefully we will be able to soon.

It's kinda weird how you go through stages of emotions when dealing with fertility issues. You start off with rage, unbelief, stress, depression, and a whole other range of emotions. Those may go on in varying degrees for months, or even years. BFN after BFN just rips your heart out. But then sometimes there comes acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that you can only do so much, and when it comes down to it, its in God's hands. I have recently come to that conclusion. And this month, when AF came round to visit, I didn't cry and get sad and angry. I just went about my business.