How do you feel about using/not using a sperm donor?

BeckyM · #1 August 18th, 2009, 03:52 AM

Thanks to Abbey for this topic suggestion!!

How do you feel about using/not using a sperm donor?

I know that each of us have different backgrounds and differences in what we're dealing with in MFI, and I know we will all have varying opinions on using donor sperm. One of the many things I love about JM, is that we all can share our stories and not worry about being judged or attacked for our choices. For us, DH & I were shocked to discover that he is completely infertile. Before the dx, we'd honestly never talked about donor sperm. We'd discussed adoption here & there, but again nothing definite. When we found out he had Klinefelters, before we even got the lab results from the biopsy, DH brought up the topic of us using donor sperm. I had not thought about it before, and we decided to start researching donor sperm. We spent alot of time, days, & weeks reseaching and discussing it, and our decision was to proceed using it. For us, it comes down to either using donor sperm or adoption. In many cases of adoption, you have alot of info about the birth mother but very little to none on the birth father. And sometimes the prenatal care of the birth mother isn't the same as what I would had. So we decided that if I'm the birth mother, and we use donor sperm, we would have alot of information on the birth father (except his name) and we knew the birth mother (me) would have excellent prenatal care. So we decided to TTC using donor sperm. Unfortunately the first cycle wasn't successful, and I'm in the middle of the 2nd attempt, and hoping to have GREAT results to share at the end of next week.

Clare · #2 August 18th, 2009, 02:01 PM

I think if there was any chance a could fall pregnant using Dh's sperm then i wouldnt consider it but if there was absolutly no chance of conceiving then yes, i think we would use a donor sperm.

Its not something that we have discussed as we are in the early stages of seeing specialists and dont know the extent of Dh's problem (we have only had the results from 1 SA, we wont get the other until our next appointment). I dont think i would like to be the one to suggest it to Dh - I dont know how he would take it.

Hoosier Kitty · #3 August 18th, 2009, 02:31 PM

We have never talked about it. We will talk about it if there's absolutely NO way we could have biological children together, then we will discuss donor sperm.

However, My sister in law (my DH's brother's wife) told me if Larry did not have vasectomy she would allow us use Larry's sperm. I thought that was nice of her to say that. Because DH and Larry are last boys in the family soooo they want to carry on the last name. kwim?

#4 August 18th, 2009, 03:19 PM

My DH has mentioned using his brother's sperm, but I don't know how I feel about that. His brother is kind of weird and I just think it would be a bad idea in the future for the kid. Plus DH and his brother look NOTHING alike, so I know the baby would look more like his brother and to me that would be weird. I would rather get a donor who looks like Adam and not have the whole family know about it and be like man that baby looks like Aaron! BUT we are not in the stage yet where we are considering it, I just wanted to put it out there in case we get there. I think it's better for me to have lots of time to think about it and I may as well prepare for it. If we find out thats a route we need to take then I will feel more prepared emotionally to start really thinking about it.

adnelg775 · #5 August 18th, 2009, 04:12 PM

My DH is against the idea of donor sperm, although if we had no other option, I would definitely want to. I used to say that I wouldn't want to do IVF......LOL....I can really change my mind in a hurry!

baby:mama · #6 August 18th, 2009, 05:17 PM

My husband has said the same thing. He does not want to do donor sperm. But me, I want to be a mom! I don't care if it is not his biological child. I think we would both love that child the same. I have hated this conversation with my husband. He is going to the doctor to find if there is any possibility of fathering a child. I hope he can but if he can not I don't want all my options to be diminished.

BeckyM · #7 August 19th, 2009, 03:17 AM

Thanks ladies for the responses! I know that it's too early for many of you to even consider, but I wanted to know how you all felt about this topic.

It is a difficult decision, and DH & I took several months off TTC to emotionally "grieve" the loss of us ever having a biological child from both of us, and that still hits me at times. When we started TTC, I remember someone asking and my immediate response was No, if we couldn't have a bio child from both of us then we'd just adopt. Since then, and after we talked & researched more about it, we decided using donor sperm was the best choice for us. Now for us, we definitely did not want any part of using DH's brother's sperm, but we have an unusual relationship with him and we're not all that close. They also don't look much alike, and we were able to find a donor with the Greek ethnicity and who resembles DH much more. Other couples, I know have used sisters/brothers for the egg/sperm donation (or the sister was a surrogate), and everything seems to be wonderful. I think it's an amazing gift to be able to do, but you must already have that good relationship first. Unfortunately we don't.

I hope & pray that you all don't have to go this route!! If any of you have any questions, please just ask.

Thanks, ladies!!!

Hoosier Kitty · #8 August 19th, 2009, 07:07 PM

Interesting topic.

Fortunately, DH and I have a great relationship with his brother.

they look alot alike so.

BeckyM · #9 August 20th, 2009, 03:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aaron Nicole

Interesting topic.

Fortunately, DH and I have a great relationship with his brother.

they look alot alike so.

It is interesting, and I enjoy seeing others views on this. I also love the fact that here on JM, we can discuss this. And that's so wonderful you & DH have a great relationship with his brother. Family is so important!!!

4eyes · #10 August 20th, 2009, 08:07 AM

This is a question that my dh and I have been faced with and at first we discussed using his brother and my dh thought that it would be the only way possible to considor donor sperm. He talked to his brother who hasn't seemed very receptive to the idea and now dh doesn't really want to do that either so for us it's adoption. My dh just doesn't think he could handle knowing that it was "my kid but not his". I see where he's coming from so if we were going to use donor the only way I think we would do it would be to use donor sperm and donor eggs that way it's like adopting...even though I have 19 frozen eggs right now. Then I thought if we are basically going to adopt b/c essentially that's what we would be doing using donor sperm and egg why do that when we can adopt a baby who is going to need a home instead of creating one just so I can go through the pregnancy. I'm not saying that I won't be sad to miss out on having the pregnancy experiance b/c I really want that but know know we don't always get what we want and maybe there's a reason I'm not suppossed to get pregnant.... You never know. So for us we are about the start the adoption process in the next few weeks.

bethsbabydream · #11 August 20th, 2009, 05:28 PM

Once we learned of DH MFI he was the one who suggested using donor sperm not me. I have to admit that I was a little surprised he suggested it. Our RE has said the ttc with IUI and his low count is unlikely but not impossible. I think we are going to take a few months to process everything that is going on and then try a few cycles of IUI with DH sperm. I think it will make DH feel better knowing that we tried. If nothing happens then we will move onto donor sperm. Our RE office has a great program to help you pick a sperm donor. It is also a cost/ insurance issue. Doing 20 cycles of IUI is cheaper for us than 1 IVF cycle.

RainyDayGirl · #12 August 20th, 2009, 08:17 PM

Thanks for starting this, Becky, it's so cool to see what different people think about this!

For us, we already knew my husband was infertile even before we got married, so talking about adoption or sperm donors was sort of a prerequisite for us before marriage, since we both wanted kids. At first I thought I would be more comfortable with an anonymous donor from a bank, because I thought it would be weird to be pregnant with the bio-child of someone we knew.

Then I got a new job (I work with children) working with two children whose parents had adopted them and had an open adoption. Hearing them be able to differentiate between their "birth mother" and their Mommy showed me that one, even small children can understand that, and two, they like being able to have answers about their birth parents. That opened my mind a lot to the possibility of a known donor, since we have always been certain that we'd tell our child about their conception and parentage from a young age.

We have a close male friend who is single and doesn't want children, and who is willing to be our donor. So after we asked him, we went to a lawyer and had the paperwork drawn up, and started ttc! I've had some different feelings about it, like "What if Donor changes his mind when he meets the baby and is heartbroken that he can't be the father?" or "What if Donor's parents and siblings insist that our baby is THEIR grandchild/niece/nephew/whatever?". But ultimately I feel that we can work that out, and it's worth it to me to have the ability to tell my child "Daddy is your Daddy and Donor is your Birth Father" from day one.

Now I just have to survive this 2WW to find out when exactly I can start telling this hypothetical child all that

BeckyM · #13 August 21st, 2009, 03:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4eyes

This is a question that my dh and I have been faced with and at first we discussed using his brother and my dh thought that it would be the only way possible to considor donor sperm. He talked to his brother who hasn't seemed very receptive to the idea and now dh doesn't really want to do that either so for us it's adoption. My dh just doesn't think he could handle knowing that it was "my kid but not his". I see where he's coming from so if we were going to use donor the only way I think we would do it would be to use donor sperm and donor eggs that way it's like adopting...even though I have 19 frozen eggs right now. Then I thought if we are basically going to adopt b/c essentially that's what we would be doing using donor sperm and egg why do that when we can adopt a baby who is going to need a home instead of creating one just so I can go through the pregnancy. I'm not saying that I won't be sad to miss out on having the pregnancy experiance b/c I really want that but know know we don't always get what we want and maybe there's a reason I'm not suppossed to get pregnant.... You never know. So for us we are about the start the adoption process in the next few weeks.

Good luck with the adoption process!!! Are you considering an older child then? If we end up adopting, that's what DH & I have talked about. The wait isn't that long for a child that is not an infant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bethsbabydream

Once we learned of DH MFI he was the one who suggested using donor sperm not me. I have to admit that I was a little surprised he suggested it. Our RE has said the ttc with IUI and his low count is unlikely but not impossible. I think we are going to take a few months to process everything that is going on and then try a few cycles of IUI with DH sperm. I think it will make DH feel better knowing that we tried. If nothing happens then we will move onto donor sperm. Our RE office has a great program to help you pick a sperm donor. It is also a cost/ insurance issue. Doing 20 cycles of IUI is cheaper for us than 1 IVF cycle.

Beth - I was so surprised too, when my DH brought up the topic. I had not thought much about it. I definitely agree with taking a few months off to process everything. That's what we did, and I recommend that to everyone!! And I completely know what you mean about the cost issue. We're appealing our insurance company's decision to deny coverage right now and paying out of pocket. These IUIs are so much less expensive then IVF would be.

Abby - this is a great topic to discuss, and I enjoy reading everyone's views on it. Thanks for the suggestion!!! DH & talked about a known donor, but we really didn't have anyone that we could think of. His brother was a definite No from the beginning. You & I are the same dpo, and I hope we both have GREAT results to share soon!!! When do you plan on testing??

RainyDayGirl · #14 August 22nd, 2009, 12:36 PM

Becky, I did this morning and got a negative, so now I'll wait a few days for AF and if it's at all late, I'll check again. I'm not super worried about it this time around, since I'm in the middle of a job transition and in some ways waiting a month or two would be better. On the other hand, we're ready for whenever it happens, you know?

What about you, when are you going to test?

BeckyM · #15 August 23rd, 2009, 02:17 AM

Sorry for the BFN, Abby, but 9dop is still very early. I may test before my blood test, but haven't decided yet. My bloodtest is Friday the 28th - 15dpo.

Lisap2008 · #16 September 21st, 2009, 10:39 AM

Well I seriously considered using donor sperm in the few months following his poor SA. of course when I talked to DH about it he said absolutely no. he does not want me carrying another mans baby, he wants a child of his own, so unfortunately its either conceive with my DH sperm or not at all.

naenae · #17 September 24th, 2009, 11:52 AM

i discussed this with DH and he flipped out. so i dont think this will ever be a possibilty.

BeckyM · #18 September 24th, 2009, 12:32 PM

At this point, it's still early for you & your DH's to decide on this, and if it does come down to it, your DH may feel differently. MFI is a lot to take in, and I was very blessed that my DH handles it as well as he did. His phrase is that "It is what it is". There's nothing we could have done or not done to change things, so we're making do with what we were given. It was certainly never something I'd thought much about, and when it came down to it, my DH was actually the one to bring it up. We were both very disappointed when we discovered he is completely infertile, but knew we would still be parents and would just need to take additional roads most don't have to take. Our choice was to use the donor sperm, and we chose a donor that had the same ethnicity as DH and we're happy with that choice. We got pg on our 2nd cycle of IUI using donor sperm. We do not plan on keeping this a secret from our LO, and even hope to use the same donor for a 2nd child. It's not an easy decision, and I hope & pray you ladies don't have to consider it.