So I'm pretty sure FF was wrong about my O date, although my thermometer battery was not working right so that may have contributed to FF's inaccuracy LOL. My cycle was 28 days, which is back to normal for me, hopefully it stays normal. Actually, hopefully it's 10 months at least before I see AF again.

DH got an s/a done on Friday. The place he did it took about 2 weeks to get the results to my Dr. last time, so it'll prob be awhile before we hear anything. This isn't the for sure, we'll know if Clomid worked or not s/a, but if Clomid did do anything it could show something.

I'm rambly today, so I'm sorry for that. Day 1 of AF is tough. I have felt sad the last few days, I knew AF would come, so I've been in kind of a funk. I have so many emotions going through me I just don't know how much longer I can do this. Not that I could/would ever give up, but I'm to the point I can't even imagine being pg or having a baby. I used to daydream about it, but now I can't picture anything even when I try to . I'm sad, mad, frustrated and just overall tired of this. I have less hope and more pessimism every month and I hate it. I used to be so easygoing and an eternal optimist. I believed that if I lived a good life and did my best to do things "right" that I would have a good life in return. I don't so much feel like that anymore. I don't think I'm one of those people who are able to adopt, I'm having a hard enough time trying to accept donor sperm. I admire people who are able to adopt, but I feel like if I don't get to have DH's baby there will be a part of me that will always be sad. We've been to a couple cookouts this weekend and I've spent time just looking at DH and thinking that I soo want to have HIS baby. I want to look for DH in my baby. When other people say he looks like his daddy I don't want to have a part of me be upset. We got called DINK's this weekend, Double Income No Kids, and it wasn't meant to be mean, but I almost started crying. This isn't by choice, I don't want to be DINK's, I don't want to have a urologist and RE be the only chance at getting pregnant. I know we all feel like this, but I want to be one of those people who gets pregnant just because they want to, to plan being pg around when is the best time for work, life, etc. I know that when I do become a mommy I wish cherish everything about my child for his/her ENTIRE life, but I didn't need it to be THIS hard to get pg to achieve that!!

Sorry this is so long and emotional, I just needed to get it off my chest.

[*KittyCat*]

I read this post and thought this could be me writing this. It’s hard when people say “I know how you feel” because when I get down and sad, I feel like I’m the only woman in the world feeling this bad. But I can really sympathise.

When we first started trying two years ago, at this point in time, in 2010, I could see us as parents, our “baby” would be just over a year old. I’d be back at work from maternity leave and probably be part time. I’d think of the cool pram we’d have and all the awesome clothes we’d buy for him/her. The theme of the nursery. We’d have trips to the seaside, the park, the zoo. I’d read stories and play games. Bath time, nappy time, big messy poos, milky sick, sleepless nights. I could imagine I’d sometimes wonder why I wanted this so badly!! But everything would be worth it.

Now, two years on. I have trouble imagining our baby, even being pregnant. I can’t imagine being parents. I can’t see it anymore, I’ve lost it. When I imagine the future, I see just the two of us. Everyday I think about it, I can’t remember when I didn’t think about it for a day. Will we be parents? Searching the internet everyday, like somehow out there, there is the information that will solve our problems, a clinic that guarantees success, a drug that will solve everything. Something that will ensure at the end of this month I’ll be looking at a BFP on not another failed cycle.

We are also DINKs, not out of choice, but because of a cruel twist of fate. Even if we never have kids, I could never fully accept that, there would always be a part of me that’s sad.

Some days it’s harder than others to keep hold of your faith that it will happen.

[Crystal O_o]

Aw Amy I am so sorry, HUGS!!!

[Jessie0505]

Oh my!! are you sure i wasnt writing what you guys just said! After 3 years of going through it..it really gets old!! I know its hard hun..im so sorry! Im right there with you...at one point you get excited about ttc and you really think this month could be it..what you will do with your baby..but then month after month after month after month it still isn't here..you kinda feel like it will never be! I always wanted to get pregnant with my dh's baby then adopt! I still feel that way..but i wanted DH'S kids..i want them to have his eyes or his facial structure..but still nothing! It hurts..i know..especially when there is a reminder with those stupid cramps and sad feelings..i sure hope you feel better..i know its easy to say..but remember we are here for you..i sympathize with you very much..you can pm anytime! try to smile!

[~*Jackie*~]

Just dropping off some big hugs, Aimee. I am keeping good thoughts pouring your way in hopes that there will be some amazing news from that s/a when the results come back! Is there any way your doctor's office can call the lab directly so you don't have to wait so long?

And what you and *KittyCat* wrote hits very close to home. If I hear someone refer to us as DINKs, I will surely burst into tears. And I, too, don't have visions anymore of being a Mom.. or pregnant... or a family. I can only see the road ahead with DH & I, and as lovely as our relationship is, it's not the life I dreamed of 2 years ago...

[Lisap2008]

im sorry . I know you dont like to hear I know how you feel. I think alot of people dont know what to say , kind of like with a loss. there is nothing that can be said to take the hurt away.

im sorry how long has he been taking clomid ?. remember it takes 3 months for new sperm to form.

Thanks for all of your support ladies. I could have never gotten this far without you girls!

Lisa- he has been on Clomid for 4 months now, since he had a 0 sperm count his dr. wanted him to give the sperm 2 cycles so we could have a better picture of if the clomid has worked, but he said we could do the s/a now if we wanted to and see if it showed anything different.

[Lisap2008]

well I really hope you get good results .

[Wallflower]

I know everyone has said this, but I have been having these exact feelings lately! Especially what you said about not being able to see yourself as pregnant or being a mom anymore. Sometimes I still can see that, but other days it seems like such a remote chance. I find myself thinking of us as "just us two" more and more. Again, like you said, when we first started TTC, I was so hopeful and excited. I just knew that I could get pregnant at any time, and I really expected that as soon as we stopped using BC, I would get pregnant right away! How naive I was! I was so ignorant to what it truly takes to get pregnant, especially when you have MFI to deal with.

I am trying to keep up hope, but sometimes I don't want to, because it seems like it would be less painful to just resign myself to a life of just me and DH, rather than get my hopes up and be disappointed again and again and again. I'm even charting and using a fertility monitor, but I feel like I am just going through the motions of it. The excitement of watching my temp is almost completely gone.

We all need something to lift our spirits, I guess!

[Red Sox Mommy]

::hugs:: I'm so sorry you're dealing with this- watching other people be pregnant and dealing with ignorant comments is tough. This MFI piece is something I have never dealt with and is really rough. I never thought I would be 'one of those people' who needs fertility treatments.