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OK, I can think of lots of serious and depressing examples but the one I feel compelled to share is one that you might think is dumb or meaningless. To me, it means more than most things I've done in my life.
I don't dance. I've never danced. When I was younger I had no friends and was never invited anywhere TO dance. As I got older I didn't have the confidence to dance. I had never danced i my life.
in 2006 I walked down the wrong staircase at the wrong time and bumped into a colleague who roped me into a talent show her year were doing at achool. This was fine - I had a blast until I somehow agreed to do a dance with her and a group of students I am too embarrassed to name the song we danced to, all I'll say is it involved pompoms.
Anyway, as things worked out we had TWO DAYS to learn the dance. This is me, someone who had never danced, with chronic fatigue and severe memory loss so I struggled to not only DO the moves but also to remember them! Plus, I had just got my BFP with Angelica and was so exhausted. Oh, and 2 days after the performance I was getting married!
After the first day I was SO close to pulling out. I felt all hope was lost. I couldn't dance, period. I didn't know what to do.
On the second day, something happened. To this day I don't know what, but suddenly I could do the dance. That night, despite everything and despite coming so close to backing out I danced in front of the whole of Year 10 and their families. How did I do it? By just being stubborn and not knowing when I was beaten I guess.
They let me keep the pompoms too! <-- those are not them, mine were blue!
I guess the hardest time I got through was my teens. Early teens really. It was an awful time. My parents divorced and my mum was keeping us on a student grant. we had little to eat and the house was cold, we'd share bath water. It was very embarrassing at that age. I went through many phases emotionally including a very solitary phase where I hid from everyone and everything. I had zilch self esteem. Then my first boyfriend ever (we weren't a couple at the time) killed himself during the holidays we were waiting for our gcse results. I couldn't handle his death and coupled with other things led to quite some years of bulimia. My dad wasn't there as he disappeared to avoid paying maintenance and my mum was too busy. My elder sisters were busy with themselves and my twin sister hated me and vice versa so I shut myself off and have never felt so lonely or unloved in my life. I needed help with my a levels. I wasn't doing well with my German and was reccommended a private tutor. He saved my life. He is about 70 now but he helped me come out of my shell, gave me my self- confidence back and was basically a father figure. If it weren't for him I would have never made it to university. The whole world was against me and he was there. He loved me like a daughter and is very special in my life. That time in my life was very dark and I was very depressed but he pulled me through. I am so proud that I got my degree and have self confidence.
After the birth of Sebi I had severe PND and had suicidal thoughts. I thought of harming Sebi as well. It was pure evil. I managed to tell Harro one night in an argument that I didn't want to live anymore. I had a complete melt down. I was soooooooo ashamed that only Harro knew of all this. Somehow by talking to him I managed to pull myself together. I am glad this time I had it mildly with Theo I informed the health visitor immediately and she was on my case. That is why that topic is so important and relevant to me
oh and to add my German teacher at school at the time told me she didnt think I was clever enough to get into the university I wanted so after I had gathered my self confidence, I told her to her face what I thought and I was going against what she advised. She was such a bully to me and I stood up to her. I was so frightened and literally shaking as I told her but it was so empowering!
Angels Bright from Starry height, change my mind and being with light!
I guess being a single Mum has meant a lot of adversity for me - but somehow I have come out the other side, wiser & more mature, and more importantly my daughter is smart, bright, funny, healthy, friendly & everything you could really want your own child to be. So many people doubted me, so many people told me - to my face, that it was too much for me & I was going to end up in a nasty situation.... But I haven't.