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Recurring Dreams..... (long post/vent about dream) *Photos added in post 14*


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  • 3 Post By Carwen*Angel
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  #1  
February 5th, 2013, 12:35 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Since 2005, I've had a recurring dream. It started when i was pregnant with my twin boys (an unplanned pregnancy). I'd just finally accepted that I was pregnant, and I'd find a way to make it work... and then I had the dream.

I was confronted by a small child with wings, an angel. They asked me if I really wanted to keep my baby, or would I rather give the soul to another person, a friend to have and love until I was more ready.

I chose the friend.

The following day I found out there was a problem with the pregnancy, 2 weeks later my boys were gone.

2 weeks later.. my friend calls. She's pregnant.


Repeat this over the last 7 years... I think it's a total of 5x. Of them there are 4 live babies and 1 later loss. The only difference is... each time there is another child standing there with the talking angel (they're all angel children).... Each time this dream happens, I've had or will have a miscarriage (I don't have it with each loss though)


I had the dream Sunday night, but the alarm woke me before I could answer.

And again last night/this morning. But this time, it was different. This time I didn't happily choose to give up my child... Instead I looked the little boy in the eye and said "why do I have to choose? Why can't everyone just get what they want this time, haven't I paid for my mistake enough times now? Haven't my choices regarding your death been haunting me for enough years Matthew. Why do they keep doing this to me?" (I've had 9 angel babies since the boys died).

He looked back at me sadly, with tears in his eyes and said. "We get forgiven for out mistakes, but we do not get to pretend they never happened. You will always carry the burden of our short lives. You must choose Mama. Remember, unselfishness is rewarded."

I refused to choose. "There have been 13 of you total, that I know of for sure. I am no longer being selfish. I cannot, I will not willingly give away more of my children. I have done what I can for the world... I no longer have the heart to keep giving. I will not answer you Matthew, Fate will do what it will." And he disappeared. I feel deep down, I will never see my babies again in my dreams......


I woke up to one of my long time online friends.. and her bfp. And a BFN for me (it's still early).

The mistake that we both refer to.... is the fact I did not want my boys until literally the day before I found out they wouldn't make it anyway, at which point I was advised to terminate rather than wait for their stillbirth. There was no love in my heart for them in the beginning, I had much anger and grief... which I then replaced with a much different anger and grief, at the world.


I hate this dream. It leaves me feeling like I'm never meant to bring home a child of my own, that I must watch my friends bring them home instead. At first it comforted me... now it just makes me dang angry.



I need to go buy a freaking dream book or something.
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Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew&Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel&Dee 01/19/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Adenomyosis and Polyps.
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells
D&C/Hysterscopy/Polypectomy - August 21st - Follow up Sept 4
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Weight loss goal #1 - 10% body weight 23.4lbs - accomplished July 13 2014

Last edited by plan4fate; February 7th, 2013 at 09:09 PM.
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  #2  
February 5th, 2013, 09:08 PM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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wow! Ashley, your dream(s) brought tears to my eyes! What did you do for them? Do you have a momento, a place on top your mantle, anything that shows they are remembered? Obviously you remember them, they know you do. But is it possible that they want the world (not really the "world") to know about them. Maybe its time to get rid of that angry feeling if there is any left. Gosh Im no good at dreams lol. Im just trying to think of anything for the reason they haunt your dreams. maybe write a letter to them and tell them why you felt how you felt and what made you change your mind. tell them that you are ready again. That you would love for their help, their guidance, and possibly even a part of them to come alive in the baby you are bearing ( or will be in the future) and when you are finished, set it free. burn it. you may even want to read it aloud to them. But it is between you and your boys.

Your dream has me shaking as Im writing this and Im not sure why. I just want to cry my eyes out. Im so sorry Ashley!
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  #3  
February 5th, 2013, 10:43 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I've done several things.

First- I purchased glass angels for the 3 angels who had made it to 8 weeks. Matthew, Mark and Mattie Anne. I was laying in bed one night, and two of them went smashing to the floor. They were no where near the edge of the shelf. Mattie's and Marks were destroyed.. Matthew's in it's place. Matthew died naturally before my surgery, Mark hadn't. Mattie was lost at home, I didn't even KNOW I was pregnant.. I assumed she'd been a 4th chemical.

My cat broke Matthew's angel.


Second - I took the twins journal, the one filled with hate and anger, and I burned it, a few pages at a time, in my grandparents wood stove. I no longer felt the anger that the pages contained, and I didn't want the reminder. The book was also partially filled with lies... if my ex and I had gotten back together, I didn't want him to know I was mad mostly at him, not them. My boys were most definitely victims of the "sins of the father" mentality.


Third - I forgave their father for what he had asked of me, and made myself available to him and his gf in their time of grief and need. It happened to be the same day Mattie was born.

Fourth - I have a hair of earrings for them and their first sister. Only pair I currently own. They hang on my rock tree.


I've never replaced their angels. I don't have the space to display them anymore. I don't know if the change in the dream is a sign they are angry that I purchased ornaments for Hope and Konnor for our tree this year (I have one for all the angels prior to DH... my mom gave it to me this year, so they aren't forgotten). I was going to buy one for everyone... but it just didn't feel right, the back of my mind was telling me no, just get two.

I buried an angel with my father, in memory of all 3 of them. Dad died in March, they were due in March. Dad was born in August, they died in August. I gave them as much of a final resting place as I could.


The dream ALWAYS has Matthew Speaking (Brown hair/blue eyes, looks like my ex), but each time there are more and more child angels in the dream. This time there were Two boys, Three girls, and 8 babies of non nondescript gender. Sunday's dream there was 1 cradle (I can never see inside it), Last nights there were two.

I have two online rpl friends who got bfp's this week. One yesterday, one today. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it if the one today has another miscarriage... I'm going to feel like it is my fault.


I hold them so close in my heart. I celebrate (most) of their special days, All but 5 have names (out of 13, that's not bad). They have special names, I often use their names, I talk to them. They have their grandfather's to watch them, and a half sister that I didn't bear. I'm sure that DH's grandmother is looking after all of them, she wouldn't have cared if I had a dozen children that weren't DH's... they'd have been her great-grand babies at first meeting. I don't know if a letter would help me... because I'd be looking for an answer so hard I'd probably imagine one.

I love my babies, all of them. But I want one in my arms to love too... I just don't get why in the dream, he made it seem like I'm undeserving of it.
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~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew&Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel&Dee 01/19/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Adenomyosis and Polyps.
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells
D&C/Hysterscopy/Polypectomy - August 21st - Follow up Sept 4
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Weight loss goal #1 - 10% body weight 23.4lbs - accomplished July 13 2014
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  #4  
February 6th, 2013, 04:49 AM
Carwen*Angel's Avatar Fly away on my zephyr
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It sounds like you have a spiritual gift that is bittersweet there, Ashley.

I'm no dream interpreter but dreams come from our subconscious and if your subconscious is holding onto guilt about what happened with your first angel babies, it's possible it's your inner self who is speaking through the guise of Matthew in the dreams.

Your initial dream could easily also have been your subconscious wrestling with your dilemma. Because you chose to give the babies to a friend in your dream, does not necessarily mean that's the reason why that pregnancy ended in loss, though I understand why you equate it to that in your reasoning. It may have always ended in loss anyway.

Let's say now that that ISN'T the explanation, but remember it *could* be a possibility.

Let's say now that another possibility is that these dreams are not dreams at all, but true visitations.

Firstly, if you *see* babies or pregnancies in your dreams and they come to pass, and then subsequently any losses you *see* come to pass, it's not you who has caused the losses, you have not made them happen, you have simply been given a gift of being able to see them before they happen. So you mustn't blame yourself if something happens to one of your friends, not at all. Also, I have known instances where this sort of dream serves as a warning and the person having the dream is able to intervene as a result of having that knowledge and avert disaster, so consider that possibility too and keep a close eye on your friends. Something may occur where you can advise them to get to hospital pronto based on your previous experience. Perhaps averting such disaster would also be redemptive, in a way, for you.

The fact that the children you see in your dreams are angel babies doesn't necessarily mean they are all babies you are destined to lose, either. They may simply be angelic souls. In fact, if they are angelic souls they may well struggle to take on life in the third dimension, which could even explain some of the previous losses you have suffered. Since 21st December 2012 the earth plane is believed to have been shifting to align with the fourth dimension at a higher vibration, so the likelihood of them adjusting to earthly life in this scenario is now higher - especially with a spiritually attuned mom like yourself.

My reading of your dream is not that Matthew thinks you're undeserving. His tears could easily just represent his own sadness in being separate from you - or more likely, as he is in the other dimension and can see things from a higher perspective than you can - his sadness over what you have suffered.

Judging by what was said it was right to change your answer (conscious control of what you say and do in dreams usually denotes lucid dreaming, incidentally, which means you have shifted energetically and spiritually through your experiences). If you have always given the same answer before and then have always had subsequent losses, then it stands to reason that changing your answer will also change the outcome.

You say you feel you will not see your angel babies again in your dreams, but this doesn't mean that they won't come to you in life. They may have been visiting your dreams as a mode of communication and Matthew in particular seems to have been guiding you through this particular life lesson, but not seeing them in your dreams doesn't mean that those same souls can't come to you as earthly babies or friends' earthly babies on your path through life. It wouldn't surprise me if you recognise the soul of Matthew in another child since he is the one that's prevalent in these dreams. This feeling you have that there will be no more dreams is also representative of there having been a definite shift.

You are not undeserving. Even if you cannot shake the feeling that you made a mistake in the past with your thinking, think of how much you have suffered - you have repaid for that ten times and more, sweetie. And besides which you never actually DID anything wrong. We all have bad thoughts sometimes. ALL of us. YES, me included. We're human and it's hard not to be touched by hate and fear, no matter how brightly we shine our light most of the time. You are also putting a vibration of motherhood and nurturing into the universe on a daily basis with the love and care you give to Reme.

I see this dream as positive in that it denotes a turning point. Really, sweetie. I think your time is coming. And will hold that vision for you until it happens xxx

FORGIVE yourself. Forgiveness is such a powerful vibration. Do what you can mentally yourself and remember all the reasons why you are a good and deserving person. Then ask the angels to help you forgive yourself and receive healing: ask for the law of Grace (or the grace of God if you prefer) to absolve you of any remaining negativity.



Much light to you - and your angels xxx
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  #5  
February 6th, 2013, 07:08 AM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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^ much better then me

Please dont ever think its your fault if someone else has a miscarriage. I like Sharron's interpretation and the thought that it may be a gift and you knowing something may happen to warn your friend(s) about.

You did a lot of stuff not just for them but for everyone of your babies, Im sorry that you have had to go through all this and I do believe its your time.
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Last edited by stucklikeglue; February 6th, 2013 at 07:11 AM.
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  #6  
February 6th, 2013, 07:17 AM
Sacred Silence's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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You are self punishing. Because, we are forgiven and are not commissioned to carry a burden for a bit of ungratefulness when we were young. If that were the case, most of us would live cursed lives. The message you are really getting is that #1 You will carry this burden until YOU forgive YOURSELF. #2. You are gifted and able to feel pregnancies in your circle #3. Clear this baggage and your body will serve you well. I also believe that Matthew will come around again and BE your miracle baby. HUGS.
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  #7  
February 6th, 2013, 07:56 AM
Shades of Grey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I also think its your own forgiveness you need. I agree with so much said above. I also think that since you dont think you'll have these dreams again, it signifies a turning point. I have to reiderate that I dont think you are or have been punished for your thoughts. I have had bad thoughts too, especially when I first found out I was pregnant with Truett. Honestly, I cried thinking that if I could have given my BFP to you specifically, I would have. Ive felt guilty about that thought since. But Ive never wished a BFP for anyone like I do for you. *hugs*
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I am peace, full of unconditional love. I am confident and in tune with the Divine, receptive to guidance.
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  #8  
February 6th, 2013, 01:40 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Thanks Ladies.

I do feel immense guilt these days, especially about my recent losses because I do feel deep down inside that they were 100% preventable. I know what's wrong, but no doctor is going to trust me and just write the Rx's that I know will fix the issue (progesterone and synthyroid) with out subjecting us to thousands of bucks worth of bloodwork. I almost hope DH sends me home for 3 weeks this spring.... because that would let me make an appt with my doctor and try and get in for some bloodwork for my thyroid at least.

I have spent SEVEN years trying to make amends with myself over the twins death. Unless you've found yourself with an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy that you both wanted and wanted to go away all at the same time, for every second... I'm not sure that you can fully understand the hell I went through for those 4.5 weeks. I guess it's kind of like a break up, where you hate and love the person all at the same time for the pain they've caused you to endure. Every day, every second, for weeks... both at them, and their dad and even myself. It was torturous. And seriously, I almost didn't survive it.

And because I believe things do happen for a reason, I've never felt I will get my boys back, and I'm ok with that. And then Reme came along. Due in Sept 05, the boys were due 5m later. And Reme's name is Remington Matthew. In a roundabout way.. I HAVE my Matthew.

Ugh. I don't know if I can exert anymore energy on this. I was so tired I slept from 7-10 last night on the couch, and then from 5-2:30 today. I don't usually sleep that much.. but I'm just exhausted.
__________________
~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew&Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel&Dee 01/19/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Adenomyosis and Polyps.
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells
D&C/Hysterscopy/Polypectomy - August 21st - Follow up Sept 4
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Weight loss goal #1 - 10% body weight 23.4lbs - accomplished July 13 2014
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  #9  
February 6th, 2013, 03:58 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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We are cleaning our room... so i decide while I'm organizing my dresser to look for my little batch of stones.

I pull open the top drawer of my little jewelry box.

And My mouth dropped open.....

Tears come to my eyes.....


Matthews Angel is inside.






The cat broke Dad's... not Matthews...

I also found my worry stone, and a piece of rock... I'll post them all later....I think I'm in shock.
Shades of Grey likes this.
__________________
~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew&Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel&Dee 01/19/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Adenomyosis and Polyps.
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells
D&C/Hysterscopy/Polypectomy - August 21st - Follow up Sept 4
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Weight loss goal #1 - 10% body weight 23.4lbs - accomplished July 13 2014
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  #10  
February 6th, 2013, 09:01 PM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Im so happy you found his angel! I swear all these things keep happening for a reason!
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  #11  
February 6th, 2013, 09:42 PM
MidnightMaiden's Avatar )O( Blessed Be )O(
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I just got shivers.

I strongly feel like things are coming together for you my dear. I will be thinking of you lots.

I have had a pregnancy that I didn't want and was unplanned... Nevaeh was unplanned and horrible timing. I didn't want her and didn't know how to handle it in the beginning and I sometimes feel horribly guilty for it now. As I watch her run around and smile and sing and laugh. I sometimes think about what my life would have been like if I had of just terminated it like I had originally thought about. It's torture, and still is some days.
I'm here for you hun.
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  #12  
February 7th, 2013, 12:53 AM
Carwen*Angel's Avatar Fly away on my zephyr
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Wow, what amazing timing to find Matthew's angel just as we're having this discussion!!! I'm not surprised you're in shock.

I'm sorry if what I said wasn't helpful sweetie. You're right, I don't understand what you went through as I have not been through it myself, but I do have compassion for anybody who has suffered and what I said was from my own genuine intuitions and beliefs, and from my heart.

I do totally hear you on doctors not listening when we know what's best for ourselves and our babies. It happens here too. I hope you can eventually find a way to get yourself what you need. If anyone can, you can.

Love and light to you, I look forward to seeing Matthew's angel!
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  #13  
February 7th, 2013, 06:28 AM
Sacred Silence's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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In my signature.. the oldest daughter, she was definitely unplanned. Pregnant on the pill.. and the timing was just.... oh my.. just terrible.... And, then I struggled to get pregnant with the baby and self-punished just the way you are. Multiple losses that I felt prednisone would help and no one would listen. The path you're walking is painful and complicated and truly agonizing but you are not alone. We are all here sending you all good thoughts and prayers.. and many of us have been in a similar place.. not the exact same.. but similar. Sending you so much love and hugs... and hopes that you find a way to be kind to yourself.

** I am also aware that my posts are very short and may feel less compassionate than others but I post from my office so they must be quick. My heart is absolutely broken for you and I am convinced that your miracle baby IS going to come into the physical world very, very soon (soon being a relative term as I know June feels forever away).
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Last edited by Sacred Silence; February 7th, 2013 at 06:38 AM.
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  #14  
February 7th, 2013, 09:08 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Matthew's angel (almost identical to Hope's Christmas Ornament, except her heart is gold), my worry stone (you are supposed to rub it when you're worried) and a little stone





I don't know what kind of stone it is, my brother brought it home from Slovenia for me a few years back.
__________________
~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew&Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel&Dee 01/19/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Adenomyosis and Polyps.
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells
D&C/Hysterscopy/Polypectomy - August 21st - Follow up Sept 4
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Weight loss goal #1 - 10% body weight 23.4lbs - accomplished July 13 2014
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  #15  
February 8th, 2013, 01:19 AM
Carwen*Angel's Avatar Fly away on my zephyr
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It looks like a cross between green agate and infinite stone. Not sure what it is. Lovely though.

The angel is beautiful, Ashley! What a wonderful find.
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