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  #1  
December 7th, 2008, 11:33 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
I don't know exactly what this feeling is. Sadness, anger, jealousy, something like a mix of them all, I guess.

I went out with a friend last night. She's been going through a rough time lately. We've been friends since Jr. High school. She has two beautiful bio children and recently she and her husband have separated. She has a "boyfriend" who lives far from her and came to visit for a few weeks this past month. So technically she is still married and not really planning a speedy divorce at all. She still isn't quite sure if she might get back with her husband or not. Anyway, long story short, she told me yesterday that she is pregnant with her "boyfriend's" child. I was caught off guard to say the least. This isn't like her.

So she started talking about what she was going to do. She said she would never consider abortion (we are both extremely pro-life in all circumstances). Then she said, "I thought about adoption, but then I thought I could never do that." I asked her why. She said she wouldn't want to "take the easy way out." I bit my lip through the whole conversation after that. I did say I never thought of birth mothers as "taking the easy way out." I said I considered them extremely brave to admit they couldn't care for this child the best that he or she deserved and therefore allowed someone else to do that. I told her I didn't consider that easy or unloving in any way. But she still just basically was saying adoption is for losers almost. Like only bad parents would put their child up for adoption.

I was SO hurt. And I'm SO jealous. I've done so much RIGHT in my life regarding marriage, parenthood, etc. and yet I can't have a "normal" biological birth. Why does she get this when she doesn't even really "want" it. And WHY isn't she even considering allowing ME to adopt this child? She KNOWS how much I want to adopt, she KNOWS all I've been through (she's been through it with me every step) and it was like she never even CONSIDERED the POSSIBILITY that I could care for this child.

She doesn't have insurance. She doesn't have a full time job. She's barely paying her own bills. Her "husband" said he'd allow her to stay on his insurance through the pregnancy but definitely WOULD not claim this child as his own. The father lives overseas and wouldn't be able to be here to help her in much of any way... though he "promises" to send money. I am just shaking my head wondering what she is going to do with this child! She is also going to school and trying to finish her degree.

Sigh... I'll never understand why adoption has such a bad rap in the world.
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  #2  
December 7th, 2008, 12:10 PM
LadyLacy's Avatar Super Mommy
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Idk why either (((hugs))) maybe it would be hard for her to see him when she saw you?
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  #3  
December 8th, 2008, 02:13 AM
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I am so sorry I wish I knew what to say, but I don't understand people like that either
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  #4  
December 8th, 2008, 08:04 PM
Jessa78's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: Lynchburg, VA
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I'm so sorry, hon. Sometimes the people we love the most hurt us the most. It sounds like she's in over her head right now and sometimes people can be very self-involved in moments like that. Sadly, she may have absolutely no idea that what she said/did caused you any pain at all.

Adoption is a gift and it takes a gifted person to understand that. You understand it. So the kids in your life are lucky to have you.
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  #5  
December 9th, 2008, 03:40 AM
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Have you heard anything else from your friend?
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  #6  
December 11th, 2008, 06:56 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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We talk, but avoid the subject right now. I'm just trying to be "supportive friend" not "super-jealous-annoying-friend" right now. She did say she had decided to talk with an agency about adoption just to keep "exploring her options." DH and I talked a long time about it and he said he absolutely would NOT adopt her child anyway, which started a long argument in our home. We came out with basically we cannot adopt another child right this minute and he felt like we would be in a very awkward position if we adopted from a friend anyway. But, I still think adoption is her best bet. An open adoption would be wonderful I think too. But, ultimately I just want to be there for her whatever she decides. I'm over the initial hurt and I think I can suck it up and be the friend she needs now.

Thanks for letting me vent!
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  #7  
December 12th, 2008, 03:16 PM
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I'm so sorry

That's a tough spot for you to be in and I feel your pain - I've been in similar situation and it stinks!
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  #8  
December 13th, 2008, 05:35 PM
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It's something I cannot figure out myself.

I had a friend (we'll call her H) who gave some advice to her friend. C got pregnant with a man she had no intentions of having any relationship with. She was considering abortion, but had just joined a church in which a member told her not to because it would look bad in God's eyes. She felt guilty and decided to reconsider that choice. She thought about adoption since she really did not want this child. She really had no way of taking care of this child on her own, and there was no way her grandmother (who took care of her and her three siblings after her mother left them with her) was going to care for this child either. C decided to talk to her friend H (also my friend) about her decisions. When H heard C was considering adoption, she told her no way, that would be a bad idea. So C decided she had no choice but to keep this baby. She ended up getting kicked out of her only home and had to go to a homeless mom's shelter. C is not someone that was capable of making a decision on her own and really did count on her friends and family to make decisions for her.

H told me what happened. I was furious with her. I didn't yell, but I reminded her that I was adopted and I turned out ok. I asked her somewhat rhetorically how could she tell C not to adopt? She would have still had a home, her baby would have no problem getting adopted out to a good deserving family. She had no good reason for why she told C this. All she could say is she told her not to do adoption because if she were her, she couldn't do it because it was her child and she wouldn't feel right if someone else took care of it.

I'm still hurt by what she said. Adoption is one of the most unselfish things you can do for your unwanted child. There are also so many different kinds of adoption that gives different limitations to the adopter. There is the adoption through lawyer, there's closed adoption through agency where the mother has no further contact with the baby. Then there's open adoption where the mother may still have contact with the baby, but just as important, she may even choose the adoptive family for her baby. That is something that may have made C feel more confident about adoption.

Well, ever since C kept the baby, she decided that the attention she got from the home she stayed in was wonderful, she decided to get pregnant again...this time on purpose, and she's still making the state/gov pay for her babies. It just makes me sick how she made her decision off of someone else's ignorance, a relative feeling fed up with taking care of other people's babies, and a friend's selfish opinion, and she couldn't even consider what she could possibly offer this child herself...nothing. She has often abandoned this child on the beach so she could go swimming. She has told even me she wanted to hit her once she turned 1 years old. I have no idea if she ever did, but according to H, she has not hurt this child. I don't even know how things are with her second child. I just stopped asking, because I just don't want to anymore.
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  #9  
December 14th, 2008, 04:44 PM
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Wow, that is such a tough situation, I'm not sure what I'd even say. I think it's very sweet of you to support her as her friend, even though I know that must be hard. I have never understood how people could believe that adoption is not the miracle that we here all know it is.
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  #10  
December 21st, 2008, 10:05 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 188
Quote:
I don't know exactly what this feeling is. Sadness, anger, jealousy, something like a mix of them all, I guess.

I went out with a friend last night. She's been going through a rough time lately. We've been friends since Jr. High school. She has two beautiful bio children and recently she and her husband have separated. She has a "boyfriend" who lives far from her and came to visit for a few weeks this past month. So technically she is still married and not really planning a speedy divorce at all. She still isn't quite sure if she might get back with her husband or not. Anyway, long story short, she told me yesterday that she is pregnant with her "boyfriend's" child. I was caught off guard to say the least. This isn't like her.

So she started talking about what she was going to do. She said she would never consider abortion (we are both extremely pro-life in all circumstances). Then she said, "I thought about adoption, but then I thought I could never do that." I asked her why. She said she wouldn't want to "take the easy way out." I bit my lip through the whole conversation after that. I did say I never thought of birth mothers as "taking the easy way out." I said I considered them extremely brave to admit they couldn't care for this child the best that he or she deserved and therefore allowed someone else to do that. I told her I didn't consider that easy or unloving in any way. But she still just basically was saying adoption is for losers almost. Like only bad parents would put their child up for adoption.

I was SO hurt. And I'm SO jealous. I've done so much RIGHT in my life regarding marriage, parenthood, etc. and yet I can't have a "normal" biological birth. Why does she get this when she doesn't even really "want" it. And WHY isn't she even considering allowing ME to adopt this child? She KNOWS how much I want to adopt, she KNOWS all I've been through (she's been through it with me every step) and it was like she never even CONSIDERED the POSSIBILITY that I could care for this child.

She doesn't have insurance. She doesn't have a full time job. She's barely paying her own bills. Her "husband" said he'd allow her to stay on his insurance through the pregnancy but definitely WOULD not claim this child as his own. The father lives overseas and wouldn't be able to be here to help her in much of any way... though he "promises" to send money. I am just shaking my head wondering what she is going to do with this child! She is also going to school and trying to finish her degree.

Sigh... I'll never understand why adoption has such a bad rap in the world.[/b]

I can see what she means with the "adoption is for losers" standpoint. Not because I agree with it, but sometimes I feel like I'm being a huge sissy about this whole thing and I can relate to what she means... I feel like a wimp for giving my baby away, even though I know its best... so I can see her point. A lot of the time I feel like I'm abandoning my son.

But on the flip side, I can definitely feel for you in this situation. A friend of mine had an abortion when I was 5 months pregnant. I'm not pro-life, but on some level it still made me angry that she could have kept her baby, while the best thing I can do is give mine away. It does hurt and it is frusterating. Probably you should talk to her about how you feel... If you've been friends since Jr High, I'm sure she'd understand, or at least be willing to listen. If you're serious about wanting to adopt her baby, you should bring it up to her. It could just be that she's afraid of the possibility of some strange person walking away with her baby and her never seeing him again... she might be more open to it if it were someone she could trust on a personal level? That's why ours is a private, open adoption. I don't trust just anyone with my son, and I want to watch him grow up.

If you need anything, my email is sarah.sharrit@hotmail.com

I don't know how much help I'd be, but I would listen if you needed it
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<span style="font-family:Arial Narrow"><div align="center">My name is Sarah, I am 19 years old

I am a proud member of the United States Air Force

I am a very proud wife of a member of the United States Air Force

We are giving our baby up for adoption because someone
can give him better than we can

My son is due on January 18, 2009 and I love him
more than life</div>"]</span>
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  #11  
December 22nd, 2008, 01:45 PM
Jewinjuwa's Avatar We walk by faith
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Wow, what a rough situation.
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  #12  
December 23rd, 2008, 08:10 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
Quote:
I can see what she means with the "adoption is for losers" standpoint. Not because I agree with it, but sometimes I feel like I'm being a huge sissy about this whole thing and I can relate to what she means... I feel like a wimp for giving my baby away, even though I know its best... so I can see her point. A lot of the time I feel like I'm abandoning my son.

But on the flip side, I can definitely feel for you in this situation. A friend of mine had an abortion when I was 5 months pregnant. I'm not pro-life, but on some level it still made me angry that she could have kept her baby, while the best thing I can do is give mine away. It does hurt and it is frusterating. Probably you should talk to her about how you feel... If you've been friends since Jr High, I'm sure she'd understand, or at least be willing to listen. If you're serious about wanting to adopt her baby, you should bring it up to her. It could just be that she's afraid of the possibility of some strange person walking away with her baby and her never seeing him again... she might be more open to it if it were someone she could trust on a personal level? That's why ours is a private, open adoption. I don't trust just anyone with my son, and I want to watch him grow up.

If you need anything, my email is sarah.sharrit@hotmail.com

I don't know how much help I'd be, but I would listen if you needed it [/b]
Please believe me when I say, you are no loser. You are a brave wonderful mother and you always will be. You are allowing your child a better life than you can give now, and I think that is all any mother would want for their child! God bless you!
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