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So... my DH and I built an office onto our home. Thank you, tax rebate. Two weeks of hard manual labor and long, long hours and it's lovely. DH is happy and as of last week, has begun working from home. This means we can turn our former office back into a bedroom. To which I say, huh.
For the past six years, I've worked a job where my availability had to be from 6AM to 3AM. Last fall, during our 'peak' season, I worked eight weeks of nights in a twelve week period. Night rotations means I worked weekends, too. It stinks but I'd gotten used to having to do it. Then DH and I start talking about our son/daughter possibly wanting to see me on occasion and the very next day, I'm offered a Monday-Friday, 9-5 job within the same company, basically doing what I've been doing for the past six years but with a better job title. Right. Okay.
We're on week four of the RESOURCE foster/adopt classes and today our social worker emailed us to say that she'd like to go ahead and knock out the home study interviews tomorrow and Thursday so we can get our home inspection in ASAP.
Here's the thing. Things like this don't happen to me. I hit walls... like this ----> There is always, always, ALWAYS something standing between me and motherhood. For the past nine years, I have come at this problem every which way I can and every single time, it's fallen apart, usually at the last minute. So now, the closer we get to finishing our classes, the closer we get to putting ourselves in that database, well, frankly, the more I begin to feel like I've stepped into some sort of alternate universe.
Surely, this woman will meet with me tomorrow and hate me, even though we've met several times now and always gotten along well. Or she'll hate my house. Maybe it will get struck by lightning. Or I'll get struck by lightning. I cannot imagine getting that call, the one where a social worker asks me if I want to meet a boy or girl who could become my child.
Actually, and this is the really scary thing, I sorta kinda can imagine that. I never could before but lately, it's there, on the back of my mind, flirting with my sanity. I can see myself getting that call and being very, very calm right up until the moment when I hang up the phone and then I'm going to lose it. I am going to absolutely fall apart. That will be another first for me.
Until then, of course, I'm going to stick with my usual M.O. and pretend everything's fine. B) Nothing's happening. I will prepare myself for the worst. Denial is a beautiful thing and I am going to bask in it until a really good reason presents itself to do otherwise. Even if my inner child feels like this:
Jessa, married to Blake these past fourteen years. Beginning the adoption process.