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Was your spouse on-board with adoption?


Forum: Adoption

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  #1  
May 4th, 2010, 04:23 PM
SuperMartianRobotMom6's Avatar Proud Mama & Happy Wife
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Hi Im Stephanie.
Im happily married for 7 months now.
But prior to us walking down the asile.
I stressed how important international adoption was to me.
As in I wouldnt of married him if he wasnt for it.

Well apparently before we were married he was gung ho..
Now not so much...

Im fustrated because I feel like he lied to me to get me to marry him.

But also because I feel so strongly about it.

I have no (known) fertility problems, so I also would like to have 3 or 4 naturally.

But I want to adopt at least 3 from other countries.
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  #2  
May 5th, 2010, 07:21 AM
AsHlEyRoSe's Avatar Veteran
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My husband and I never really talked about it before we got married but we didn't exactly do things in order..or the normal route. We got pregnant with our son when I was young, very young and then immediately after getting married got pregnant with our daughter. Only since she was born I started thinking of adoption and foster care. We have been talking about it for about 2 years and the last 6 month more seriously. He is completely on board because he knows how much it means to me and if he were to not be okay with it our relationship would have serious issues..if not now than in the future. I would end up resenting him because of it. Also the more and more he learns about it the more he wants to help these children out and realizes how much love and stability we could give a child or children.
He wasn't on board right away though. He had apprehensions of us not being able to love an adopted child as much or the same as our own and also because we don't have fertility issues he thought we should just continue having our own. His mother was..and still is being very pushy for us to have more of our own.
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  #3  
May 5th, 2010, 08:10 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I could've written your post about 7 years ago. My husband and I were BEST friends before we got married. We had been since we were in 7th grade together. I have always talked about wanting to be a foster parent and adopt children. Before we decided to get married, we talked about a lot of stuff. Who would handle finances, who would do which chores, when we wanted children, how many, when we wanted to start, and of course fostering and adopting. My DH said he was on board with it all. He wanted about 3-4 kids total (I always wanted more, but I was good with 3-4) but he didn't really care how they came into our lives.

Then, about 1.5 years into our marriage we started speaking about having children. He started faltering. He wasn't sure he was ready for kids. He definitely DID NOT want to foster or adopt. We fought about a few times. Then, after speaking with some wise women in my church, I decided to drop the pressure and pray about it. A few months later he decided he did want to start trying to get pregnant. Our first daughter was born 10 months after that decision (she was born 3 months early and had LOTS of medical issues due to her prematurity). We "accidently" got pregnant a short 9 months after Sarah Beth was born, but unfortunantly our son was stillborn at 33 weeks gestation in August 2007. All the time I had spent just praying if God really wanted me to adopt/foster that He would change my DH's heart. In November of that year (2007) DH and I were chatting one evening and he said, "I think God is telling me that we should start trying to adopt now." I had the paperwork from DHR the next day and we started classes the next time they were offered in March 2008. Our foster son was placed with us in July 2008 and has been with us since (along with a few other kids who have come into and out of our lives through the foster system).

All that is to say, if you nag him about it... pressure him about it... remind him constantly about how he said he would do this BEFORE you married him, he will never do it or he will do it and will resent you forever because of it. It needs to be his decision to adopt as much as it is yours. This child is yours and his together and without that, you don't have much.

But I know it is frustrating. I was COMPLETELY blown away when he first said he didn't want what I'd wanted forever. Still we have lots of disagreements about it. Our foster son is very special needs, and that makes it hard. He wonders if we're in over our heads a lot. He wonders if we should adopt him at all. I think how would we not adopt him? He is our son. But I know that God changes hearts... even stubborn ones.
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  #4  
May 5th, 2010, 08:22 AM
SuperMartianRobotMom6's Avatar Proud Mama & Happy Wife
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahBethsMommy View Post
I could've written your post about 7 years ago. My husband and I were BEST friends before we got married. We had been since we were in 7th grade together. I have always talked about wanting to be a foster parent and adopt children. Before we decided to get married, we talked about a lot of stuff. Who would handle finances, who would do which chores, when we wanted children, how many, when we wanted to start, and of course fostering and adopting. My DH said he was on board with it all. He wanted about 3-4 kids total (I always wanted more, but I was good with 3-4) but he didn't really care how they came into our lives.

Then, about 1.5 years into our marriage we started speaking about having children. He started faltering. He wasn't sure he was ready for kids. He definitely DID NOT want to foster or adopt. We fought about a few times. Then, after speaking with some wise women in my church, I decided to drop the pressure and pray about it. A few months later he decided he did want to start trying to get pregnant. Our first daughter was born 10 months after that decision (she was born 3 months early and had LOTS of medical issues due to her prematurity). We "accidently" got pregnant a short 9 months after Sarah Beth was born, but unfortunantly our son was stillborn at 33 weeks gestation in August 2007. All the time I had spent just praying if God really wanted me to adopt/foster that He would change my DH's heart. In November of that year (2007) DH and I were chatting one evening and he said, "I think God is telling me that we should start trying to adopt now." I had the paperwork from DHR the next day and we started classes the next time they were offered in March 2008. Our foster son was placed with us in July 2008 and has been with us since (along with a few other kids who have come into and out of our lives through the foster system).

All that is to say, if you nag him about it... pressure him about it... remind him constantly about how he said he would do this BEFORE you married him, he will never do it or he will do it and will resent you forever because of it. It needs to be his decision to adopt as much as it is yours. This child is yours and his together and without that, you don't have much.

But I know it is frustrating. I was COMPLETELY blown away when he first said he didn't want what I'd wanted forever. Still we have lots of disagreements about it. Our foster son is very special needs, and that makes it hard. He wonders if we're in over our heads a lot. He wonders if we should adopt him at all. I think how would we not adopt him? He is our son. But I know that God changes hearts... even stubborn ones.

Yes I know that I dont want to pressure him into it, but it really does go both ways. If I dont adopt, I will resent him for the rest of my life. I know I will, because it stressed it so clearly. I told him adoption was important to me. I purposely discussed it with him before we said "i do" that way we wouldnt have this conflict. I told him that its very important to me to adopt from foreign countries. That Ive felt called to do it since I was like 8 yrs old. He was all like "Yeah thats cool, I could see us doing that." Now hes says "Well we can have our own... What about the kids in the USA.... Were taking children from other couples that cant have children."
1. I still want to have some of our own..
2. I dont disagree, but my heart is for foreign children... He knew that when we were just dating. Its just the people that God has put on my heart.
3. That is ridiculous.... Sometimes he upsets me. There are so many children that dont have homes or parents to love them.. THat his defense is just unanswerable...

I mean what do I do, Im so angry at him.. I really feel very betrayed.
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  #5  
May 5th, 2010, 10:30 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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HUGS!!

I really do totally understand that feeling. I used to tell my best friend I couldn't understand why God would so want me to foster/adopt and so want me to marry my DH and yet those two things seemed so incompatible at the time.

I'm sure you have researched international adoption extensively, so I won't bore you with facts about it. But you know it is very expensive, so perhaps you can your DH can talk about it and agree that you won't start the process now, but you'll start a savings account devoted to this. If you and he come to the decision later that you want something different, the money is still there to be used for whatever, but if his heart is changed you'll already be well on your way toward what you'll need for the cost. In the meantime you can search for places and agencies and see requirements for all that. Then when he comes and says, "Ok," you'll be armed with all the information you need.
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  #6  
May 5th, 2010, 11:01 AM
SuperMartianRobotMom6's Avatar Proud Mama & Happy Wife
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Well the expense isnt the issue. We actually sponsor other couples to adopt children. So we kinda know the drill and how much it costs.

But its just that, hes worried that his family wont accept the children as mush as our biological children. So instead of asking, he wants to avoid the conflict.

Im still angry he lied, but now I know a little better why he feels the way he does.
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  #7  
May 5th, 2010, 11:12 AM
eash's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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The good news is that you have a bit of time. Most countries that adopt to the US have a minimum marriage requirement of at least 3 years before you can start the process. Also, your bio children would have to spaced in a certain manner prior to starting the adoption process - a minimum of a year between the adopted and bio kid.

I adopted my son internationally and it is difficult. I won't lie and say that moment that he was placed in my arms, I was madly in love with him. Bonding to an adopted child is a process, for both the child and the parent. It is difficult even when both parents are 100% on board. Therefore, the last thing you want to do is bring a child into your home who is not wanted by your spouse - not to mention any social worker doing a homestudy will be able to recognize this.

As for family acceptance, we basically said, this is our child. If you don't accept him as equal to any child born into this family, you can say goodbye to us. You never want the adopted child to feel less than the bio child.

If I was in your shoes, I would really study why I wanted to adopt so badly. Also, your dh may just need some time.
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  #8  
May 5th, 2010, 11:15 AM
SuperMartianRobotMom6's Avatar Proud Mama & Happy Wife
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eashley View Post
The good news is that you have a bit of time. Most countries that adopt to the US have a minimum marriage requirement of at least 3 years before you can start the process. Also, your bio children would have to spaced in a certain manner prior to starting the adoption process - a minimum of a year between the adopted and bio kid.

I adopted my son internationally and it is difficult. I won't lie and say that moment that he was placed in my arms, I was madly in love with him. Bonding to an adopted child is a process, for both the child and the parent. It is difficult even when both parents are 100% on board. Therefore, the last thing you want to do is bring a child into your home who is not wanted by your spouse - not to mention any social worker doing a homestudy will be able to recognize this.

As for family acceptance, we basically said, this is our child. If you don't accept him as equal to any child born into this family, you can say goodbye to us. You never want the adopted child to feel less than the bio child.

If I was in your shoes, I would really study why I wanted to adopt so badly. Also, your dh may just need some time.
My reasons are that I cant stop the injustice in this world. I cant make children have wonderful homes or parents that take care of them.

But for 3 or 4 I can.

I feel that we are charged by God to take care of orphans.. And donating, however good, isnt enough for me.
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  #9  
May 5th, 2010, 06:02 PM
eash's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snicole90 View Post
My reasons are that I cant stop the injustice in this world. I cant make children have wonderful homes or parents that take care of them.

But for 3 or 4 I can.

I feel that we are charged by God to take care of orphans.. And donating, however good, isnt enough for me.
The key to international adoption is to recognize that not all children arrive there because of trauma or injustice. It is hard but you shouldn't make an adopted child feel like he was rescued. It will only cause problems for him in the future. At the end of the day, no matter how noble your feelings are, the kids just want to be kids.
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