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Sorry this is going to be kind of a long rambly post...just a bunch of my thoughts put together. I hope nothing I say will offend anyone.
So, several of our friends and family members know that we are dealing with severe male infertility and are considering adoption. I don't know if it is just b/c we do have a biological son who who we conceived naturally already and he's not *that* old (19 months), but I feel like a lot of people think we are "over-reacting" when we talk about adopting...like it's this crazy last resort and we are just jumping the gun and should keep trying....surely I'll get pregnant again eventually. I also hear, "What if you adopt and then you get pregnant?" Ummm....that would be great! It's not like we would think, "Oh, shoot..if we'd known this was going to happen, we never would have adopted." We would be thrilled to have 3 kids or more, regardless of how they come to us.
DH is having a varicocele repair done soon that may possibly improve his sperm count, and people basically have said, "Oh, hopefully it will help and then you won't have to adopt". As we've been considering adopting, I think of alot of the couples I know with adopted children and I can remember always hearing, "They could never get pregnant, so they had to adopt." HAD to? Nobody has to do anything.
I would be lying if I said we would be considering adoption right now if our infertility journey hadn't brought us to this point. DH and I had always talked about adopting someday but we were thinking of later after we had several biological children and were a little more financially well off . As it is, we can afford to adopt but it will make things "tight" financially. But that doesn't mean that adoption is a last resort, or that having another biological child is preferable. It just means that our life's journey has taken some unexpected twists and turns and we have arrived at an unexpected, but not unwelcome, destination. We will love our adopted child as unconditionally as we love our biological son. It won't matter how they came to us.
I guess I'm just kind of frustrated with people's perception of adoption as almost this negative thing, like "Poor, poor them. They have to adopt". It bothers me.
Oh yeah, we get that a lot too. Especially since we went forward with our foster classes after our son died. People had that idea that we were only going to foster because our son had died or we "couldn't" have more biological children. When we got pregnant with Daniel and he was born I can't tell you how many people have said, "Oh good, now you can stop that foster care stuff." Umm... no... that has nothing to do with why we are foster parents or why we want to adopt.
But then, I know it is because those folks have never felt called to adopt at all. If they were... if they thought of adoption as I did, they'd never say something like that. So I take it all with a grain of salt and always make sure to say how we WANT to foster and we are BLESSED to do it and will continue to do it as long as we can.
Wow! thats crazy! you know im in the same boat really..we have severe male factor as well and im not going to lie either..thats how we got here..but now that we are if we ever got pregnant on our own i would never stop the foster care/adoption..like you said..they will be my children weather they came to my biologically or adopted..they will always be my children and never treated ANY different! I cant believe people say those things to you..that is hurtful..have you let them know it bothers you? Im sure sorry!BIG HUGS!
People are going to think what they are going to think and I am not sure how much you can change that. The best advice I can give is to not compare it to having biological children when you talk to others. So, when you talk about having kids, don't say stuff like "If we don't get pregnant, we will adopt." That paints the picture of adoption as a second choice. Make adoption appear to be the first and only option and something you are super excited about - like you say you are. Your friends and family will come around and eventually most will look upon your child as if they were born to you. It doesn't take long for you or for others to lose the idea that your child was adopted and is just your child but it does take you helping that idea along...hope this makes sense.
Realize though that adoption is hard and some people are just going to say dumb things. It is okay and you can use it as a teaching tool to help educate them about adoption.
I have to agree with the other ladies. The best way to deal with people who are saying things that are just plain inappropriate is to try to change they way you talk about adoption. I know that for us we were getting lots of people saying, "I can't believe someone could just give their baby away like that..." That one always pissed me off. So I wouldn't correct them or call them out, but when I would talk about adoption and birth parents I would say things like "An expectant mom that is choosing to make an adoption plan". I say things they way I would want them to talk about it, and it works. Adoption for us is by no means a last resort. Like Beth, I feel absolutely blessed to be on this journey and definitely feel like it's exactly where we are meant to be right now.
I hope things get better for you soon! It will take time, but maybe with some gentle nudging things will change soon.
Yet another wonderful siggy by HeatherW.... thank you so much!!!
I also get that kind of reaction when I mention adoption (thankfully not everyone is like that).
People are like "but SO many women have babies after miscarrying" or "you're still young you have plenty of time to have a baby"...
Adoption isn't a second-class option for us. We have always wanted both adopted and biological children. We just don't have a financial situation stable enough to adopt - yet. (day-to-day life with a child we can afford, just not the agency fees)
So I'm thinking about it for in 4-5 years.