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My experience with an open adoption


Forum: Adoption

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  #1  
May 20th, 2011, 11:45 AM
tawny63's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Pullman, WA
Posts: 731
This is for Augie, but I thought others may be curious about the same topic. Please feel free to ask me anything about our adoptions.

Both of our adoptions are through the same agency. Basically, we went with an agency to cover our butts - you are more protected with an agency against fraud or other issues that can come up. You get your "time back" with a failed match or adoption as well. It costs more upfront but in the long run it worked out well for us.

We weren't sure how open we were willing to be with our first adoption....so we just put that we were open to the level of openness the BM wanted. Well, that's been a blessing. She is always willing to answer questions and we love having the open adoption. We've only seen DS's BM 2 times but she's on our FB so she has the ability to look at what we are doing and photos. She was adopted, so we also stay in contact with her family. It turned out to be very helpful when DS was hospitalized for respiratory distress at 7 month's old. We had no idea what was wrong and I was able to email BF and BM and get answers back in less than 24 hrs. Turned out to be asthma which BM's birth grandfather had but it helped to rule out allergies.

Having the open adoption made me scared to have a closed adoption this time. I never imagined that I would feel that way. So far, DD's BM texts me almost every day. I feel so connected to her. She actually doesn't stay in contact with our agency very well, so it's reassuring that she tells me what is going on. Another concern was that I want similar contact for both of our kids. I know the chances of that aren't high, but so far it seems to be close.

FB makes it pretty easy to stay in touch and not be intrusive. I know what she's doing, and she knows what we are up to.

The other part of an open adoption is that your child will never hear "I loved you so much and wasn't allowed to contact you" or whatever version you are fearful of. Our BM's will have every opportunity to know what is going on and to stay in touch. Of course there are boundaries that will be set up...we will tell the kids they are adopted from the get-go but we are waiting to tell them who the actual BM and BF are. DS is 3 and knows he didn't grow in my belly.

The best reason I love our open adoptions: I simply can't imagine not having contact with the women that make me a mom.
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TTC since 01/04
IUI 05/06 & 10/06 BFN
IUI 11/06 BFP!!! Labeled as chemical
12/06 clomid 50mg=INSANITY and OHSS
Decided to adopt 01/07
raced to the hospital to get our baby boy in August 2007, 12 days after we went "live" to adopt!
Mental break....ahhh. Mommy time....ahhhh. <3
Endometriosis surgery 01/16/09
Femara+IUI 03/09, 04/09, 05/09, 06/09 BFN's
07/09: mixture of acupuncture, herbs, hope, and prayers
09/2009~too much pain, had to go on BCP's.
06/10: Starting adoption process again!!!!!
10/13/10: Adoption paperwork done...now just pray and wait....
01/07/11 profiles turned into the adoption agency.
Matched April 1st, 2011 with a baby girl!
Cassidy born June 15, 2011







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  #2  
May 21st, 2011, 10:02 AM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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Thank you so much. DH and I are both in agreement that we definitely want an open adoption. We're not exactly seeing 100% eye-to-eye on the degree of openness.
(I'm more willing to be more open than he is. I do understand his logic but it doesn't chance what I would like. )
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  #3  
May 21st, 2011, 06:13 PM
tawny63's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Pullman, WA
Posts: 731
When it comes down to it, an open adoption is healthier for everyone involved. As far as how open it is...idk how much choice you as the adoptive parent really have. You know what I mean? We said we were (and are) open to the level of contact...but when it comes down to it, we've never signed a paper that we promise to stay in touch. I know some states require a signed contract.

But I think the birth mom will follow your lead most of the time. An example: Cassidy's BM keeps deferring answers to "whatever you want me to do". She comes across as a young mom that doesn't have respect in her marriage and isn't used to people asking what she thinks. That is NOT how I am. haha. So last week I texted her and told her we were planning to fly out as soon as she called saying she was in labor and we hoped to make it in time and I asked if that was okay. She answered with that response...I said...okay. I want you to tell me what you want, do you want me there ahead of time so I can go to OB appts and meet your family? The answer was yes, she wanted me there to be with her...but she was afraid to ask.

I think that as long as you agree on an open adoption, God will help you with the rest. I know we were scared to death of visits and the level of openess we "promised". But we've only seen Connor's BM twice since his birth...and I wish we saw her more. And when we signed up with our agency to adopt again...we found out we were terrified to have a less open adoption.
__________________
TTC since 01/04
IUI 05/06 & 10/06 BFN
IUI 11/06 BFP!!! Labeled as chemical
12/06 clomid 50mg=INSANITY and OHSS
Decided to adopt 01/07
raced to the hospital to get our baby boy in August 2007, 12 days after we went "live" to adopt!
Mental break....ahhh. Mommy time....ahhhh. <3
Endometriosis surgery 01/16/09
Femara+IUI 03/09, 04/09, 05/09, 06/09 BFN's
07/09: mixture of acupuncture, herbs, hope, and prayers
09/2009~too much pain, had to go on BCP's.
06/10: Starting adoption process again!!!!!
10/13/10: Adoption paperwork done...now just pray and wait....
01/07/11 profiles turned into the adoption agency.
Matched April 1st, 2011 with a baby girl!
Cassidy born June 15, 2011







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  #4  
May 21st, 2011, 08:50 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
In my research (not personal experience, obviously) I've read that adoptive parents actually have ALL the choice in the degree of openess. Since you are the legal parents you can choose if the child sees anyone or not. Now, if you have a signed contract, it might be different, but without one, the birth parents get as much contact as you allow.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences!! It sounds like you guys have a great relationship! I think open adoptions (when safe) are the absolute best for all parties. I so wish our son's birth family would allow us to talk to them.
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  #5  
May 22nd, 2011, 09:43 AM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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Yea, VA allows (and will enforce) those contracts but they're not allowed. Where DH and I are butting heads is he doesn't want much of any contact with the birthmom in the first year. I wouldn't mind that so much. In VA she has 10 days to change her mind and that's it so it's not like we'd be worried about her changing her mind month's down the road. I think as of right now we plan to invite her (whoever she may be) to a first birthday party as the first visit.
__________________

Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my siggy!
Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)
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  #6  
May 23rd, 2011, 09:50 AM
tawny63's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Pullman, WA
Posts: 731
Quote:
In my research (not personal experience, obviously) I've read that adoptive parents actually have ALL the choice in the degree of openess.
I didn't proof read...I meant that if you want more contact than the BM than she wants with you. The first year we had minimal contact with DS's BM I think I sent her photos twice and we met her once for an hour when DS was 10 mos old.

FB has been really nice for sharing photos without actually sending them to her. She can always look at them when she wants. She seems very content with it too.
__________________
TTC since 01/04
IUI 05/06 & 10/06 BFN
IUI 11/06 BFP!!! Labeled as chemical
12/06 clomid 50mg=INSANITY and OHSS
Decided to adopt 01/07
raced to the hospital to get our baby boy in August 2007, 12 days after we went "live" to adopt!
Mental break....ahhh. Mommy time....ahhhh. <3
Endometriosis surgery 01/16/09
Femara+IUI 03/09, 04/09, 05/09, 06/09 BFN's
07/09: mixture of acupuncture, herbs, hope, and prayers
09/2009~too much pain, had to go on BCP's.
06/10: Starting adoption process again!!!!!
10/13/10: Adoption paperwork done...now just pray and wait....
01/07/11 profiles turned into the adoption agency.
Matched April 1st, 2011 with a baby girl!
Cassidy born June 15, 2011







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  #7  
May 24th, 2011, 04:00 PM
Bug-n-Ed's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,520
We also have an open adoption. Two years ago when we started our journey to adoption and in the classes we had to take before we were approved they were talking about open adoptions. I was terrified of the idea of an open adoption. Too many horror stories via lifetime movies.

As we waited and waited and waited, I was moved to research open adoption more. The more I learned, the more I wanted a fully open adoption with visits with the birth mom and everything. Of course that's all fully dependent on the birth mom. If it's not a safe situation for the birth mom to be visiting with the children or she doesn't respect boundaries, it wouldn't work out.

We were so blessed to have the girls birth mom choose to place with us. She's been respectful of us the entire time from matching to placement. She wanted us there at the hospital during delivery, she wanted us to name the girls, she had the girls room in with us at the hospital instead of with her. She's been wonderful. We love her so much and consider her a part of our family. The girls are eight weeks old now and we've seen her twice. We've sent pics via email and texted one another at least once a week.

I can't imagine not having her in our lives. I want the girls to know how much their birth mom loves them and this is the best way for that to happen.
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Mommy to Brandon (8) and Edward (6)
Emma and Ellie (7 Months)

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  #8  
May 24th, 2011, 04:11 PM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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Tami, your pic looks VERY familiar...what other JM boards do you post on? (And were you on parentprofiles.com?)
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Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my siggy!
Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)
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  #9  
May 25th, 2011, 06:34 AM
Bug-n-Ed's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,520
Quote:
Originally Posted by Augie View Post
Tami, your pic looks VERY familiar...what other JM boards do you post on? (And were you on parentprofiles.com?)
Here, the CD board, April Playroom, Moms and Expectant Moms of Multiples, and LDS Parenting. In the past I've posted on others, but it's been many years since then and a name change. I used to post as Brandon's Mommy years ago.

We weren't on parentprofiles, although we considered it. The pic in my siggy is the pic that we put on our adoption pass along cards, though.
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Tami
Mommy to Brandon (8) and Edward (6)
Emma and Ellie (7 Months)

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  #10  
May 25th, 2011, 07:33 AM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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Maybe CD then...though I don't really post there much and rarely even lurk.
__________________

Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my siggy!
Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)
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