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  #1  
May 25th, 2011, 02:21 PM
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well I was more for adoption than anything when I decided out of abortion. But just last week I looked into stories of adoption v. abortion and it seemed like a lot of regret. I have thought about parenting. Really the only choice I'm left with. I went to the clinic told me I'm 11 wks almost 12 wks. So I felt I was too far along. So I guess I am keeping it but don't feel that I am ready and people dislike my decision but I really do love this baby. I have a lot of doubts about adoption and parenting. I like the fact that I could get my life together and have kids lter but I do want to be in my baby's life. I already love my baby and haven't even finished my first trimester yet. I know I want to raise this baby. But I sometimes wonder. I want to know also how do they place biracial kids? Like would it be raised by black people just because it's biracial. Would that be the only choice for me or what? Also how much does one have to settle. Do they care how the birthmom looks or sounds? If you don't mention that you have any sort of disorder or anything about the dad does it matter? Most of all how bad is the grief? Does it ever go away? What are the good and bad things you faced as a birthmom?

Last edited by ashtonsmomtobe; May 25th, 2011 at 08:08 PM.
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  #2  
May 25th, 2011, 08:44 PM
Bug-n-Ed's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2004
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I assume you meant to post this on the birth mom board instead of the adoption board, but I'll answer what I can from the point of view as an adoptive mom.

Most of the time, the birth moms get to choose the adoptive couple they will be placing their baby with. If you only want a black family, then you can just look at profiles of adoptive couples who are black. If it doesn't matter to you, then you can look at all profiles. An adoptive couple's profile will have a letter to birth moms telling them about themselves.

You can also request an open adoption where you can have contact with the baby and adoptive parents via photos, email, texts, phone calls or even visits. It's something you would have to work out with the adoptive couple you choose to place your baby with. My husband and I have an open adoption with our twin girls birth mom. We have seen her twice since placement and text with her at least once a week. We love her like family and are very grateful to have her in our lives.

Some adoptive couples will care about disorders and such, others won't. You should be honest about any health problems you have. We know almost nothing about the birth father of our twins because he wasn't involved and was abusive to the birth mother. We do have a family health history for the birth mom, though and it's nice to have in case anything comes up with the girls in the future.

I'm not a birth mom so I don't know how the grief part is for sure. I'm sure it will never go away completely, but it'll probably get easier as time goes on. I have miscarried before and the loss I experienced that way was hard and even though it's been seven years since then, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. It's much easier now than it was and while it's not exactly the same situation, I'm sure it's somewhat similar.

If you are the praying type, I suggest you pray for guidance to know what to do in your situation. Consider all aspects. If you do decide to place for adoption, pray to find the best adoptive couple for your baby that will allow you to have contact so you can make sure your little one is doing well.

I wish you the best in your decision.
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  #3  
May 25th, 2011, 09:14 PM
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I thought this was a birthmom board. You see I have a disorder called CAH. I don't want them to think the baby would turn out that way. My baby is going to be half black half white. I'm white, Irish. I don't want it to be raised by a black family. I mostly fear about the grief.
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  #4  
May 26th, 2011, 06:29 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi! This board is people who have or are wanting to adopt children. There is a board just below this one called "Birth Mothers" and the ladies there are great and I'm sure can help answer your questions about specific grieving issues.

I second all that Tami said. You very much have the choice of the family whom adopts your child if you choose adoption. If you go through an agency, they will help you look through the files of parents who are waiting and you can choose who you like the best. There are ALL different kinds of people who are waiting to adopt. And MANY families do not care at all the race of the child. You may want to only look at profiles of mixed race families or those of caucasion families... you can do that.

You can also look at families who want a completely open adoption. That means that the family wants you to be a part of that child's life. You guys can decide together how that would look.

I'm sorry you are in the position of making a very difficult decision. Thank you for considering adoption. I will pray for you to make the best decision for you and your child... whatever that is, adoption or raising the child yourself.
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  #5  
May 26th, 2011, 10:02 PM
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So I can just not mention anything about the bd. Like I don't want them to price it down or have stereotypes. I read that biracial babies were priced low. So that's why I don't want to mention it. I just don't want it to end up for the process for them to say I lied and that it can't go through. I also wonder if open adoption would be enough. I want to get to know him/her I don't want to ever forget about my baby because of adoption or abortion
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  #6  
May 27th, 2011, 04:26 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'd mention the birth father, but babies aren't bought. There is no price on them. The adoptive family will pay fees like lawyer fees and court costs and medical fees, that's the price on adoption. And they don't change those fees based on the child, they are changed based on the agency and area you are in. You can also get a bit of money for help while you are pregnant for things like food and such.

You do not have to mention the birth father though. I doubt an adoptive family would go through all the stuff it takes to adopt a child and then decide they didn't want the child because he or she was a mixed race. But I also don't know the area you are in and I guess there are some places that could still be an issue.

I do highly encourage you to post in the Birth Mothers forum as well. The ladies there can really help you work through your emotions and decide what is best for you. You are, of course, welcome to stay here too and ask questions anytime too!
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  #7  
May 27th, 2011, 04:05 PM
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I read that they were not that I received money but the family pays more for caucsasian children than others. Anyway yea I'm going to check it out there read a few threads studd like that.

plus it might not be anything noticeable anyway considering he was very light.
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  #8  
May 27th, 2011, 09:42 PM
BigGrin's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I was cruising by and saw this post and thought I'd add a few lines. A close friend of mine placed her daughter for adoption when we were in high school. Her daughter is biracial (caucasion/african american) and was adopted by a white family. She chose this family, not because of color but because they were very warm and loving when she interviewed them.The adoption is open and she has received letters and pictures throughout the years, her daughter is beautiful, healthy and very loved by her parents who adopted her.

Adoption costs have to do with paperwork, medical costs and overhead. Adoptions is non profit so they can't charge more for one child and less for another, that is highly unethical. MY friend did struggle with grief in the beginning, I won't lie. It was probably the hardest decision she has ever made. But at the time she wanted a better life than the one she could provide. The father of the child was abusive and domineering and was not a good person when it came to parenting. She knew she wanted a stable, two parent home for her daughter, she wanted her daughter to have security and a comfortable childhood. Her daughter is a lovely young lady and she has spoken with her on the phone. Her daughter is very loved.

There is no rush for you to decide right now whether you will parent your child or place her for adoption. Take your time and be kind to yourself. Also, you may want to look into counseling at a pregnancy crises center, they can give you all your options and also help you set up a means to take care of you and your child.
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