Log In Sign Up

Adoption after Miscarriage?


Forum: Adoption

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Adoption LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
October 16th, 2011, 04:05 PM
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 13
Hi- I am looking for some support, and also hoping to find someone who has been in a similar situation.

I am in the process of adopting a 7-year-old, who has been in the foster care system his entire life. I am friends with one of his previous foster moms, and let his caseworkers know this past May (2011) that we were interested in him. Our homestudy was completed in less than 6 weeks, and we had our first official visit with our pre-adoptive son on June 23rd. On June 26th, I found out I was pregnant. During this time, we also had 5 of our friend's children living with us (ages 7 months through 6 years), due to some safety concerns at their home.

My pre-adoptive son came to live with us full time on July 27th, but we still had the 5 other children, so life was incredibly hectic with 6 kids under age 7 and going through my first trimester. I knew from the beginning that I was not able to spend as much time with my pre-adoptive son as I would have liked to, and I felt like I was not bonding with him as much as I had hoped. On August 12th, my midwife let me know that my hcg levels had dropped, and the pregnancy was no longer viable. I began bleeding the following day, and on August 14th my 5 foster children were returned to their (unsafe) home. It was a lot of loss for one weekend.

Ever since then..I feel like I am not able to bond with my pre-adoptive son as I would like to, and feel like I should be. I have heard other people say before that they knew this was going to be their child "the moment we saw him"..but that is just not how it is for me. I love him, and I want the best for him, but I do not feel (yet?) like he is my son.

I want to add, he is diagnosed with Asperger's, and has some major behavior problems due to being in so many foster homes, including 4 pre-adoptive homes in the year and a half before he came to live with us. Each of these homes kicked him out due to the problem behaviors, and he does test us a lot as well.

Has anyone else experienced having a harder time bonding with their adoptive children? I feel like such a horrible mother even having to ask that..but I just want to know that it is repairable, and that my relationship with him is not forever ruined because of our rocky start together. I also want to start trying again for another baby, but I am so scared of making things worse. Any comments, suggestions, anything is welcome..thank you
Reply With Quote
  #2  
October 16th, 2011, 08:47 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
I can't totally relate, but I can say that I know MANY MANY good, great moms who have had a little longer of a bonding time with their children (bio and adopted) than they thought it should take. A lot of people say that "I knew from the start." But with kids who are a little harder to bond to (which anyone with Asperger's is for sure and then add on his attachment issues) you can't expect that sudden bonding. You have just gone through a ton of heartbreak too, so your guard is up too I'm sure.

Do you have a therapist? If not, get one... like yesterday. Find a person who is experienced in working with children with Aspergers, adoption and will counsel you all as a family and individually. This will help you tremendously even in managing behaivors.

My soon to be adopted son is autistic. He is more on the severe side of the spectrum though. My DH has had a difficult time bonding with him I think because of his autistic traits and because we lost a child.

I hope to hear more of your journey! KUP and keep asking questions!!
__________________
VIEW MY BLOG



Thank you to AlexAiden Mommy for my beautiful siggie!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
October 16th, 2011, 09:32 PM
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 13
Thank you for the quick reply!

Do you have any idea what a.. "normal" bonding time would be? I know that is such a subjective question, but I really just want to know at what point I should be more concerned if we are not bonding better yet.

I am a therapist..I work in a partial hospitalization program for children with severe behavioral problems (this is where I met my pre-adoptive son)..so I know "how" to deal with them, and I know what I tell other parents daily, but I have never had to actually put it into practice myself before. It is a bit more difficult!

I think that that also makes it a lot harder for me to ask for help from others (I am supposed to have all the answers, right?) But I am thinking about it..even if more for my husband and I than for our son.

Can I ask how you lost a child? Is your son verbal? My son has, lately, added "I want to go home!" to his screaming mantra of "I hate you, I want to die, F*** you" etc.. I think that is making it harder for me, too, because I don't know how to help him feel more at home (although when he is lucid he does say this is his home and his family).

Thank you again for the reply..
Reply With Quote
  #4  
October 17th, 2011, 05:05 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
Quote:
Originally Posted by hoping_for_rainbow View Post
Thank you for the quick reply!

Do you have any idea what a.. "normal" bonding time would be? I know that is such a subjective question, but I really just want to know at what point I should be more concerned if we are not bonding better yet.

I am a therapist..I work in a partial hospitalization program for children with severe behavioral problems (this is where I met my pre-adoptive son)..so I know "how" to deal with them, and I know what I tell other parents daily, but I have never had to actually put it into practice myself before. It is a bit more difficult!

I think that that also makes it a lot harder for me to ask for help from others (I am supposed to have all the answers, right?) But I am thinking about it..even if more for my husband and I than for our son.

Can I ask how you lost a child? Is your son verbal? My son has, lately, added "I want to go home!" to his screaming mantra of "I hate you, I want to die, F*** you" etc.. I think that is making it harder for me, too, because I don't know how to help him feel more at home (although when he is lucid he does say this is his home and his family).

Thank you again for the reply..
I really can't answer what a normal bonding time is. I think it is all so relative! My son was in our home for almost two years before my DH called him his son. But our case didn't totally start as a "sure thing" adoption either. He was supposed to be moved back to bio family in the beginning. I guess it all depends on how hard you want to work with him to facilitate the bonding. It sounds like it'll take a while, honestly.

I think it is great that you already are a therapist, but I do think your entire family would benefit from another set of eyes and ears. Since you work in the field, you probably already know someone who would be good to ask. Remember that doctors shouldn't be their own children doctors, same with therapists I think.

My son died at birth. We were 33 weeks into our pregnancy. It was our second pregnancy. Our daughter (Sarah Beth) was born at 27 weeks... so we kind of thought we were in the clear and would have a healthy full term baby boy. It didn't work that way, though.

Lil Buddy is not completely verbal. He sings and says a word here and there. Mostly it is echolai but every once in a while he says things purposefully. He is also not aggressive which I thank God every day for. But he does scream at odd times, rock all the time, stim all the time, and is fearful of the weirdest things. He doesn't eat much, never with utensils, and is on a special diet. Those are the hard things, but he is also the sweetest hug giver. He does stare into my eyes and I swear he is saying thank you when he does it. His eyes twinkle. He has learned things that everyone told me he'd never do. There is so much more that I love in him than those things I wish we could help him move past.

Remember that those screams aren't directed at you. I know they technically are, but in reality he is screaming at the situation his life has been. He is testing you and will continue to test you. He wants to know if you will leave him too. Will you be strong enough even if he is his WORST to stay with him? And if you cannot be, that is completely understandable. I had to tell myself that with a couple of my former foster kids. Their behaviors were so beyond horrible, but it wasn't completely their fault.

When he is acting out, try to be as calm as you can and just acknowledge what he is saying and reminding him that you are there for him. Don't try to change what he is saying at that moment. Just say, "I hear that you are so mad right now. I am here, I am right here." Whatever it is, get your mantra in your head and repeat it just as calmly as you can as he does his thing. Don't let him hurt you or any things, but let him be angry. He has a lot to be angry about and very little ways of processing it all. When he is done, let him know that you are STILL there and you aren't going anywhere.

Ok, I'm really just rambling and I'm sure you already know all this stuff anyway. Just know that it is possible to bond with a child that at first you don't feel bonded to.
__________________
VIEW MY BLOG



Thank you to AlexAiden Mommy for my beautiful siggie!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
October 17th, 2011, 11:18 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Palm Coast, FL
Posts: 1,604
Send a message via AIM to Coley54
I have no experience at all...but I wanted to wish you luck and express my condolences on your loss.
__________________

***A HUGE thanks to marriedc for the awesome siggy!***

IUI#1 - BFN
IUI#2 - BFN
IUI#3 - BFN
IUI#4 - BFN



Reply With Quote
  #6  
October 17th, 2011, 10:31 PM
AlexKatieAiden Mommy's Avatar Linda
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 3,009
I can somewhat relate. I have/still am fostering (though up to this point it has only been family). I got custody of my niece when she was 9 months and bonded instantly with her. She is now almost 6 and will soon be my adopted daughter.
When my sister found out she was pregnant with her 5th child (my parents had/still has custody of the oldest 2, I had custody of the third, and the fourth was living with my aunt)she decided to adopt him to me. I was beyond happy, excited, etc. But when he got here, I expected to have that instant bond I had with my oldest and only bio child but I didn't. He was a very difficult baby, had a lot of issues and we didnt' bond right away. I loved him to death (and still do) but it took us a while to bond. Now he is 2.5 years old and I wouldn't trade him for the world and we have bonded wonderfully but it didn't happen right away like I expected and somedays I wondered if it ever would.
My oldest has autism so I know how things can go in that department as well. I agree with everything that Sarahbeths mommy said. Let him know that you are there for him no matter what, no matter what behaviors he has, no matter what he does, etc. He is going to test you to see if you will stick by his side no matter what happens.
Another suggestion I have is looking into sensory integration disorder. My son used to have beyond horrid meltdowns until we got his sensory things in order. My son craves deep pressure and if I put a weighted blanket on him during a meltdown it works wonders. It might help with some behaviors you are seeing.
Also if you want you can check out the Children with Dev. Delays and disorders. There are alot of other autism mommies on there that might have some more ideas.
__________________

check out my My Etsy Shop See My Blinkie Gallery & My Siggie Gallery & My BLOG
Reply With Quote
  #8  
November 13th, 2011, 03:09 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 5
I am a foster parent, and have not really experienced an instant bond.
Instand care/compassion/ fondness and other words - sure, but instant bond, not so much.

I dont' think that it's fair to compare yourself to other adoptive moms, in the same way that it's not fair to compare your child to those of your friends. Your emotions are your own, and as long as your child feels loved and cared for, that's all that matters.

It sounds like your adoptive son is doing what a lot of kids who have been in a lot of homes do, testing you. It's really hard for kids to get attached to people and then get moved on, even if that move was justified. It's perfectly normal for him to test you to see if you will still love him even when he is at his worst, and to see if he will be kicked out or not. It's a shame, and it is difficult to live with, but you really need to prove to him in his mind that your home will still be his.

So sorry for your recent loss.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:01 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0