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Am I in the wrong?? ): HELP


Forum: Adoption

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  • 2 Post By mamma_anna

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  #1  
May 13th, 2012, 08:39 PM
Regular
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 61
First things first, here is the story behind my question: (Sorry. It is a lot of stuff.)

I had my son when I was 17. I LOVED being a mother. My family never really thought I could be a good parent because A) I was a single mother, B) I was a young mother, and C) they've never really thought I could do anything correctly...and when I tried my hardest it was always, "You can do better than that."
On my side of things, I did start to go out and party some. But I still took care of my son. I never had a social life before I turned 18. So I kinda went crazy for a while and would go out after my son was in bed to hang out with friends close by. I would return after a couple of hours and go to bed with him. Nothing too wild. Anyways, this just made my family more insistent that I was an incompetent mother and I gave my son to my uncle and aunt to be adopted. This was in May 2011. There weren't any papers ever signed because the adoption attorney never could be gotten ahold of. In August 2011, I changed my mind and asked for him back from my uncle and aunt. I got him.
My whole entire family HATED me from there on out. They were always talking down to me. Telling me I couldn't do it. And at the time my boyfriend was on board with them. At the time I was on state assistance and going through an (unpaid) internship so that I could get my phlebotomy license. I would go to work at 730 in the morning and not get home with Gaige until 630pm. I was doing everything I could but I didn't have support from anyone except my dad who babysat him during the day and everything was just stressing me out. So I signed the Power of Attorney so that my son could be put back with my uncle and aunt since "he is better off without me". They told me that they weren't going to have any other kids and they really wanted one so this was their only hope. But she had just gotten pregnant and they just didn't want to tell me. Even now they hate me. They told me it would be an open adoption and I can come see him whenever but every time I try to come over or I call them because I want to bring him some books or toys I've gotten him they just shoot me down and tell me "they're busy, maybe another day" or "it's just not a good idea for you to come around." I haven't seen any of my other aunts and uncles either because they refuse to let me come over during family birthday parties or holidays. I stopped by to drop off her mothers day gift and my uncle just kept giving me and my boyfriends dirty looks and when he first opened the door didn't even really want to let me in....

Anyways, I'm working now and I can support us a lot better. I miss my baby. I want my son back. I cry about it all the time and I'm a bit suicidal (in the sense that I think about it but would never do anything, I just want to end all of the pain and sometimes that thought is welcoming as sick as that sounds).
Whats the point to life if the light of my life isn't even with me? I've tried to get help from my grandmother (who I live with) but she just doesn't want to hear me say any of it. I've tried telling my mom that I want my son back and I'm depressed and emotionally suffering without him and she just reminds me how much better off he is without me. But I really wasn't that bad of a mother. I know tons of people, older than me, with more stable situations, that aren't connected to their children or take as much pride and joy as I did in my son. Or take care of their children as carefully as I did my son. I never even was away from him until after his first birthday.....

Okay, I'm ranting and I got carried away but I just want you to know my situation as much as I can explain it to you. that way you can give me the best feedback. And I needed to vent to some fellow mothers as well, I'm sure. Point is,
Would I be wrong in trying to get back my son?
Is there even a way to do it or am I too far in? (I signed the POA on August 30th, 2011).
I don't want to hurt my family, despite how horrible and manipulative they've been to me, but my son & I come first, not them. Is that wrong?
Idk, what do I do?


I am now a certified phlebotomist and hopefully I'll be starting nursing school soon so that I can get my bachelors and then my masters degree. I'm not just some dead end welfare mom who likes to party. I have gone out with friends sometimes in the past, but they all have kids now and so whenever I go to see them we all have our children with us. I will continue to go out to hang out with my friends but never before have I brought my son around anything...provocative or bad like alcohol or drugs or anything like that. I'm very responsible and a little over protective when it comes to stuff like that but I feel like I have to be at my age. Lots of moms are really horrible with that and I hella look down on them for it. No way in hell I'd let my son be around anything like that.
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  #2  
May 14th, 2012, 12:24 PM
mamma_anna's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,953
First of all.... BIG for you!! I'm so sorry you're going through this. And no worries about rambling. I've been known to do that myself. I think we all need to sometimes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Native Momma View Post
Would I be wrong in trying to get back my son?
Is there even a way to do it or am I too far in? (I signed the POA on August 30th, 2011).
I don't want to hurt my family, despite how horrible and manipulative they've been to me, but my son & I come first, not them. Is that wrong?
Idk, what do I do?
I'll try to answer your questions as best as I can.

Would I be wrong in trying to get back my son? No I don't think you would be wrong to try and get him back. Only you really know what your situation is and how well you can care for him. But I will say that you are going to need a really good support system around you for your sake as well as your son's. It doesn't sound like you have much of one right now. Do you have any friends or family who are supportive of you getting him back? If not I'd strongly suggest working on that first. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. No one can do it alone no matter what their age or economic status is.

Is there even a way to do it or am I too far in? I can't really answer this one. I'm sure it's possible but I think you'd have to talk to a lawyer to know what the details would be.

I don't want to hurt my family, despite how horrible and manipulative they've been to me, but my son & I come first, not them. Is that wrong? It's absolutely not wrong!! YOUR SON comes first. Period. But situations like this are almost always complicated and it can be hard to know what's in the child's best interest. It can be hard to see things from someone else's perspective especially when everyone thinks that they're right. It sounds like you and your family could really benifit from a third party mediator. A social worker or counselor with experience with this kind of thing. Someone who isn't emotionally involved in the situation and can look at things objectively.


My husband and I adopted our 4th daughter from a family member last year. It was by far, one of the most challenging and emotional things our family has ever been through. Her birth mother wanted us to adopt her and we did everything we could to support her but nothing we did could make it easier for her to give up her child. Ultimately, us adopting her was the best thing for our situation and our family. We love that little girl more than we could ever express in words. Our world would not be as bright or as beautiful without her and she is thriving in our home.
I share this with you because I want you to know that I have so much empathy for you. I've never been in your shoes but what I saw in my own expirience on the other side of it was a mother who desperately wanted to do what was best for her baby and it sounds like that's what you want too.

I'm praying for you. I hope you can get the support you need and whatever happens I pray that your son will get what he needs. It's clear that he is very, very loved.
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  #3  
May 18th, 2012, 04:04 AM
Regular
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 61
Thank you much for the support! I've been working on getting together a better support system. My dad and my brother and that side of the family is behind me, which is a HUGE plus. My mom is coming into town on Saturday and I'm going to talk to her about it all too. Hopefully I can talk her into being on my side too but we'll see what happens. I don't know that I will.

I had an interview at a place to become a Senior Caregiver. Which would be nice because it would be a foot in the door of the medical field <3
I am praying a lot and reading my daily devotionals. God is making things fall into place so I'm just trying to stay positive!! <3 Thank you for helping and the advice <3
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  #4  
May 18th, 2012, 12:28 PM
mamma_anna's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,953
You're welcome.

I'm so glad you have support from your dad and brother. That's a huge blessing. Still praying for you. I hope everything works out with the senior care job. That sounds like a great opportunity for you.

Keep us posted.
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