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Forum: Adoption

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  #1  
September 5th, 2006, 11:37 AM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hi there...

I just realized this board existed! What a cool little niche you ladies have goign on here!

Anyways - Ive always wanted to adopt. Ever since I was younger, I never really wanted any of my own, but preferred to adopt (the humanitarian in me I guess lol). But then - at 19 I got pg, in college, and ended up a single mom. I almost put him up for adoption, and decided against it somehwere halfway through my pg. Ive never regretted keeping him, no matter how tough things got. I finished college and have done quite well, thankfully.

So about 3 yrs ago I met my now DH. He had a baby in a similar situation - a casual relationship with an "oops".

So now - we have my son (who is 7), his son occasionally (who is just over 3), and one on the way (4 more weeks to go!). I never wanted to have any more children of my own, but agreedto it for my DH _ he loves children, and wanted at least one if not two between us.

But - you know Im just not a gal that goes well with pg lol. The horrible morning sickness this time sealed the deal. No more pg for me!

So - Im back to wanting to adopt. My DH isnt so sure, hes a little skiddish about the idea, though he cant tell me why. He says he just believes in doing things the "old fashioned way". If you want kids - you have them.

Easy for him to say lol. Hes not hte one going through pg and labor lol. Hes open to the idea, just not really "for" it.

Anyone else have differing opinions on the matter with their spouse? I dont want to guilt him into it, I know adoption is something that we both need to be 100% on board with. ITs a trying expeirence, I have several friends who have done adoptions both locally and internationally.

I wish I knew more about why, other than the fact that its not the "traditional" way of having kids lol.

Lala...
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  #2  
September 5th, 2006, 01:07 PM
m_westbro's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hi and welcome to the group! Adoption is something that my dh and I had agreed on even before we had our first bio child, so I guess it just seemed natural to both of us. I do think sometimes, though, that it's harder for men to fully grasp the concept of loving "someone else's" child before they're actually in the situation. During our first adoption, my dh, even as excited as he was, worried a little about whether he would feel differently toward our new daughter than he did our son. Of course, he fell head over heels in love the moment he laid eyes on her, but before that, I don't think it was an easy thing for him to imagine.

It sounds like you and dh just need to talk more in detail and then you'll be able to tell where his hesitation is coming from. I think at this point, you're doing the right thing in just planting the seed in his mind, you never know what may come of that in time. You're right in that you'd both need to be 100% on board with it, because it is a lot of work and can be a very trying experience. Of course, the reward for that hard work is MORE than worth it. Becoming a parent is a miracle, no matter how you arrived at the moment. I wish you the best with your upcoming arrival and hope that you will drop in often and let us know how you are doing!!
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  #3  
September 6th, 2006, 11:07 AM
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Why not contact your state or county family services department? There are millions of children who are in need of a loving family. Most of the time they are already legally free for adoption. There are plenty of sibling groups consisting of healthy infants and toddlers and siblings a tad bit older. This would be the best way to help a needy child. The adoption cost if usually minimul or free if you go through your state/county.
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  #4  
September 11th, 2006, 09:16 AM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks,

We talked more about it, and Im not sure were getting anywhere. Its tough. We both had a son when we got married, and now were having a girl together (3 more weeks!). Id really love to adopt in a couple years though. Hes not so keen still. His words were: if he wants anymore, he thinks we should do it the old fashioned way lol. Ive had fertility problems in the past, had to use clomid to get pg this time, and really dont want to go through that again, nor do i want to go through pg again (this pg has been extremely tough on me - Morning sickness hospitalizing me twice, and just overall much harder than the first). I know I dont want to carry any more kids if I can help it lol.

Then - he did talk a little more and say hes not sure what the point of adopting is. He feels like its bringing more kids in the house just for the sake of having more kids. i asked what the difference was b/w that and having more of our own - he feels like having your own kids is like carrying on the family, the genes. I should add here - hes very traditional, southern, raised in mississippi. lol.

He also said hes not sure hed feel the same about an adopted child as he would his own. We talked a bit about it, his boss adopted a little girl who was about 7 yrs old from the Ukraine who was also disabled (she had to have her leg amputated). His boss - the father - was more for the idea than the mother, and he feels like the mom doesnt treat her the same as the naturally born daughters. Im not sure I agree with that, but he sees it that way.

So I dont know. He doesnt sound like hes very inclined to. Which really does disappoint me. We knew this about each other before getting married. He knew Id always wanted to adopt, and I knew he always wanted more kids. He always said hed consider adoption, and now hes basically saying he doesnt think he can be convinced. He admits he said it to just drop it at the time, and not have to deal with it. I feel like I had a baby b/c I loved him, and knew he wanted to so much, and now I feel like he isnt willing to do the same. But at the same time - i know he doesnt need to do it just for me. He has to want to do it. If he doesnt want to, its not fair to anyone, especially the child.



So Its a little depressing. I never really had a desire to have kids on my own, always wanted to adopt. *shrug*. Not sure what to do from here.

Lala...
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  #5  
September 13th, 2006, 12:23 PM
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I'm not sure what you can do, either

Though I find it SOO sad when people are so tied to genetics that they can't see it in their heart to love a child, no matter how they come to you.

After adopting our daughter, we forget ALL the time that we did not birth her or have her for the first year of her life. I feel like maybe I was just in a coma during that part of her life hehe

I dunno, when I look at those kids and what they are missing by not having a family to love them ... it breaks my heart.

I find it odd that he thinks he sees another person not treating an adopted daughter the same... and worries about that in himself. I guess for me it was as simple as resolving that she IS my child. We are her parents. We take care of her and do everything for her ... how COULD i feel different about her than any other of my children?

Honestly, it's not a good idea to push him into it, but perhaps in time he could get more used to the idea
His excuse about having more being different than adopting one is totally... bunk. In fact, isn't it really just the opposite? having another versus adopting another would just be bringing another kid into a world that is full of kids with no homes.... (Not saying that is a reason for people NOT to have bio kids, but it debunks his excuse hehe)

I do hope you have some success in making him see how much these little ones need your family.....
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  #6  
September 13th, 2006, 12:36 PM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks Im glad you understand. When it comes to having another vs. adopting another I feel the same way - why HAVE kids and esp for us to go through the fertility crap again, when theres kids that really need a home?

Nothing wrong with having kids, heck ive done it twice lol - but U know what I mean.

Whats even more odd - is we both came into this M with kids - meaning were both step parents. I admit, I kinda felt slighted when he said he could never love a kid other than the ones he made - im like 'Hello - you have a stepson - you didnt come into his life until he was 4 - and youre arguing you couldnt love a kid that youve had since birth just b/c its not yours? Do you not love him like your biological son?"

He didnt really have anything to say to that - lol = he pleaded the 5th.

So i dunno, hopefully hell at least open up to consider the idea & look into it.

We have some time, but it is something Id like to do while ours is little still.

Lala...
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  #7  
September 13th, 2006, 09:45 PM
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Yea, that is a good point!!!

That would have made me mad..... pleading the 5th... THat's pretty much saying he doesn't love my son as his own

Pfff

men...
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  #8  
September 19th, 2006, 04:40 PM
margo1973's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi Lala,

I am in the November DDC (just a month behind you) and I am going through something similar. I had a miscarriage last year and was put on clomid to conceive again. At the time when I started taking clomid, Dh and I decided that if it didn't work we wouldn't pursue other medical options but would try to adopt. We went to an agency and looked into adoption but the same month a got pregnant. When we found out, DH asked me if I still wanted to adopt and i said yes but that I wanted to wait until we had this baby.

Recently, we discussed whether we would have any more children after this one and I brought up the idea of adopting again. Well, now Dh doesn't want to adopt anymore and tells me he was never as keen on it as I was.

Margo
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  #9  
September 22nd, 2006, 10:11 AM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hey Margo - I think I remember you from the TTC boards

Our situations are somewhat similar. Who knows what will happen down the road? I really really dont want to go through pg again, and would really really love to adopt. Well see. I wouldnt want to have one naturally without us both being on board, but for some reason, I feel even more strongly about us both needing to be on board when it comes to adopting.

Lala...
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  #10  
September 22nd, 2006, 05:48 PM
margo1973's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I agree that it's really important for both parents to be fully in agreement when it comes to adoption so I don't intend to force the issue with DH. We still haven't even decided if we are going to try for baby number 2 or not. It has been a pretty painful road for me and I am scared of more miscarriages, complications etc. I am not even entirely sure if we will be able to have another one at all. If we are going to have another baby naturally it would have to be soon after this one and I really want to take the time to breastfeed, loose pg weight and return to my normal self for a while before starting again.

We will see what the future brings. Meanwhile I can't wait to see your baby!
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  #11  
September 23rd, 2006, 01:19 PM
Alice's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi, and good luck with your decision.

Just one little nit-picky thing from the adoptive mom of one and biological mom of two:

The kids you adopt are "kids of your own." The only difference is how they came to be so.

The best of luck as you work this out!
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  #12  
October 4th, 2006, 07:02 PM
lapoema's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hi Lala, I don't know if you remember me, but we've talked on here before. I live not far from you.

I was just lurking on the adoption board and wanted to say hey, and good luck... or congrats... whichever it may be-- on the new baby!

I've always wanted to adopt too, and DH and I were talking about having maybe 2-3 kids of our own and adopting someday down the road. (DH wasn't too keen on the idea at first, but I make a point to mention it every so often, and I think he's warming up to the idea.) We've also just started sponsoring a child through World Vision, which isn't exactly adoption, but kinda gives you that same feeling of helping a child in need.

We should get our babies together for a playdate in a few months... LOL

Lara
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  #13  
October 9th, 2006, 07:39 PM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hey there! I just saw this post. Im still baking this bun in my oven, but hopefully soon Ill have her here... shes a stubborn thing and apparantly isnt on anyones time schedule but her own lol.

Thanks for the kind words, and keep in touch! Playdates will hopefully come soon!

Lala...
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  #14  
November 6th, 2006, 12:44 PM
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When I first brought up the idea of adopting to my husband, he was not for it at all. We already had 4 kids, so that was enough for him. That was about a year or so ago.

He's come quite a long way from then though. We are talking about looking into adoption when we move back home to Indiana. (We have a 3bedroom apartment right now, and don't want to bring another child into such a small space.)

We got a new van this weekend and I was surprised that he made a comment about there being enough room for an infant carrier in the back.

Hopefully your DH will change his mind as well if it is something that you really feel the need to do.

I've always wanted to adopt as well. I can't wait til we can finally start the paperwork and everything. We just want to be a little better prepared when we do. Although I worry that having so many kids of our own will limit our chances. Especially since we would really love a little boy. Some agency's don't like gender specific couples I've read.
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  #15  
November 22nd, 2006, 10:37 PM
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Hi! I see that this was posted a while back but I'm new and thought I'd go ahead and respond. My husband was never for adoption, even when we found out I couldn't have kids. (he said he would never raise someone elses child) It's been 9 1/2 years now of tryng 'naturally' and couple months of treatment......it ain't happening! SO I decided that we needed to make a decision (i did a pros and cons list) if our main goal was to achieve pregnancy or to be parents, even though I know he wants to see me with a big belly, and I still would like the pg experience, but the goal actually is to raise a family. When he realized that he's been great and very excited and supportive. SO maybe that could help someone that is going thru the same thing.
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