Log In Sign Up

What do you think?


Forum: Frugal Mommies

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Frugal Mommies LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
December 13th, 2007, 09:51 PM
dingledine's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Seattle Area
Posts: 11,335
Send a message via MSN to dingledine Send a message via Yahoo to dingledine
Edited.
__________________






Jewelry for yourself, or for a friend. Breastfeeding aides, beautiful bracelets, earings and more.

Store.beadsarebeautiful.com
Reply With Quote
  #2  
December 13th, 2007, 09:54 PM
~Trina~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 40,679
Send a message via MSN to ~Trina~ Send a message via Yahoo to ~Trina~
At this point, what do you have to lose?
__________________
"Do not judge, for you only see the parts of me that I feel you've earned the right to see" --Author Unknown

"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Reply With Quote
  #3  
December 13th, 2007, 10:06 PM
dingledine's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Seattle Area
Posts: 11,335
Send a message via MSN to dingledine Send a message via Yahoo to dingledine
Quote:
At this point, what do you have to lose?[/b]

Do you really think it is that bad? I mean, I don't have a good reference point. My first Dad had polio as a child and as a result was handicapped. He was a little rough with punishments as well. He worked and I don't know what else he did... he played with us some and helped around the house a little. We went for walks and camping on the weekends/summer as a family. (seprated when I was 9 divorced when I was 11) My second Dad (age 11-14) did fun things with us, helped a lot around the house inside and out, was physically, emotionally abusive to me and to me and sexually to my sister and myself. My third Dad, (age 15- now) went to work, came home, ate dinner, sat in front of the TV with my Mom and was generally pretty quiet. Not too interactive, but he would talk sometimes and not take too much notice of things my Mom would do or get at garage sales. He would go out sometimes, but not too much. (Kind of like Dh in some ways).

So, those are my reference points. My DH had a great Dad that did lots of things with them, and still does. So, I just don't get it, and neither does his Dad. His Dad has even talked to him about this.
__________________






Jewelry for yourself, or for a friend. Breastfeeding aides, beautiful bracelets, earings and more.

Store.beadsarebeautiful.com
Reply With Quote
  #4  
December 13th, 2007, 10:27 PM
~Trina~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 40,679
Send a message via MSN to ~Trina~ Send a message via Yahoo to ~Trina~
I don't know if it's really that bad hun, only you do. I haven't been around this board long enough to even really go by just what you've said here because while I have read your posts, it can be hard to keep facts straight when you are learning new people ya know?

But, if you're not happy with what's going on, then something has to change. If you've tried talking to him about it and/or other methods.... then maybe this is a new route to take. If there are still other options to try first, then so be it. But, ultimately it comes down to what you know deep in your heart.
__________________
"Do not judge, for you only see the parts of me that I feel you've earned the right to see" --Author Unknown

"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Reply With Quote
  #5  
December 14th, 2007, 04:31 AM
MandiK's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Among the trees and stars, the drum beat never fades ...
Posts: 8,054
Send a message via AIM to MandiK
I don't think it's the greatest advice ever, honestly. I'm very much a fan of straight laced, get to the point, passive aggression free relationships, so it may just be me. This isn't any new behavior. He's been less than what you want for some time now, probably longer than I even know of. You've been point blank about his disappointing behavior. What makes you think passivity is going to work any better? I honestly don't think it will. If he's heard you say you're unhappy and done nothing, what will motivate him to change anything now? I suppose he won't want to starve, but is that what you want your relationship based on?

I think you have to figure out what you're willing to put up with and stick to it. If he's not (and can't be) what you want him to be, then think about what you want to do from here. People, largely, do not change. Behavior can, but the intrinsic feelings that motivate people largely do not change. If you have such different priorities that you're not happy in your relationship (again), then perhaps it's time to do something about it since he's not going to.
__________________
Definition (Webster's 2006) of "MandiK":
A 20something, graduate student, college prof, tree hugging, time managing, coupon addicted, cosmetic selling, dirt worshipping, girl who is in love with Ben and welcomed Sofie Grace on 1/31/11.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
December 14th, 2007, 06:41 AM
dingledine's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Seattle Area
Posts: 11,335
Send a message via MSN to dingledine Send a message via Yahoo to dingledine
I have really been straight with him in the past about how I feel about these issues. This fellow giving advice is a guy, and just "talking" about it doesn't work. Giving ultimatums that I don't have enough gumption to follow through on yet, hasn't worked (leaving, unplugging/tossing the computer). Getting mad hasn't worked, crying hasn't worked. Serious reasoning and conversations haven't worked. Extra loving hasn't worked. Perhaps letting him feel a bit neglected as I have felt could be an eye opener, and as pointed out, if he doesn't notice or care much, then that should be an eye opener for me. If nothing else I would feel as though I have something solid. I have been more or less unhappy for quite a while. Largely because of his great swaths of computer time. If he played and were able to stop at the moment that he was "needed", it wouldn't be such a problem. He is "locked in" for these times, more or less. He is generally a pretty sensitive guy, but when it comes to his game, he has some sort of disconnect.
__________________






Jewelry for yourself, or for a friend. Breastfeeding aides, beautiful bracelets, earings and more.

Store.beadsarebeautiful.com
Reply With Quote
  #7  
December 14th, 2007, 07:07 AM
dzine21's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Mid USA/Corn fields
Posts: 6,030
I just have a feeling that the plan here will backfire. You don't make him food. He buys all of his meals. You don't clean his dishes or clothes. He leaves piles and piles of them laying around, until you have no more dishes to use. I wish I could be of some help.
__________________
<div align="center">My baby girl, Jillian Autumn, is due in December!


</div>
Reply With Quote
  #8  
December 14th, 2007, 07:28 AM
frgsonmysox's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Offutt AFB, NE
Posts: 19,799
Send a message via AIM to frgsonmysox Send a message via MSN to frgsonmysox Send a message via Yahoo to frgsonmysox
I don't think it's a good idea.
__________________
~Beth~ Wife to my Airman Chris, and mommy to: Anthony Nathaniel (8/31/04), Anastasia Fae (8/01/06), Baby C (lost on 10/12/07), David Cillian (7/31/08), Charles George (4/29/10), and Alan Christopher (2/22/12)





My BLOG - A Day In The Life of a Freg (it's a little bit of everything!)
Reply With Quote
  #9  
December 14th, 2007, 07:46 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 8,671
I'm with the others, I dont like the passive aggresiveness. I think if you don't have enough of a relationship to be honest and forthright, maybe you need to look somewhere else. I also think that maybe it is time to take a hard look at yourself and see if maybe there is something you can change to make things better as well.
__________________





My Blog
http://howdyinc.com/mrshowdy/
Reply With Quote
  #10  
December 14th, 2007, 08:03 AM
dingledine's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Seattle Area
Posts: 11,335
Send a message via MSN to dingledine Send a message via Yahoo to dingledine
Well, thanks for the food for thought ladies. I have never done the passive aggressive type thing... but this fellow mentioned it and it kind of makes sense, and DH Dad actually suggested something similar a while ago, but I don't really play those types of games. I have given myself many hard looks, and changed things here and there and continue to chage things. To me, I would hope if I do try something like this, that it is a wake up call to either him, or myself. I am going to mull it over a bit.
__________________






Jewelry for yourself, or for a friend. Breastfeeding aides, beautiful bracelets, earings and more.

Store.beadsarebeautiful.com
Reply With Quote
  #11  
December 14th, 2007, 11:27 AM
Veteran
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Jonesboro, Indiana
Posts: 500
I actually used to have the computer problem with DH. In fact when I went into labor with Anthony just hours after my grandfather passed away, I actually had to throw a book at him to get him to pay attention to the fact that I needed to get to the hospital. (I was have contractions for THREE hours before he would pay attention!!) Anyways, I really dont' remember what it was that got him to stop. I also threatened to cancel the internet, or sell the computer. Or I told him that if he didn't stop I was gonna make him move back with his parents where there is no computer. At the time NONE of that bothered him because he knew I wouldn't go through with it.

I don't think that plan will really work. I too think it will backfire and just frustrate you even more when you see how it doesn't really affect him like you hope it will. Maybe its time for a break between you too. That is the only way in the past I have been able to get through to DH. Once he realizes his actions are going to make him lose you, maybe he'll get the picture. Or maybe not! I don't know though, I don't know your whole situation, and I dont' want to tell you what to do. This is only what worked for me and DH during our few bad times.

__________________
<div align="center">




Amanda - mommy to Madison 7, Anthony 4, Harrison 1 and step-mom to Nick 8.</div>
Reply With Quote
  #12  
December 14th, 2007, 12:20 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Southern Indiana
Posts: 8,066
I don't think it's a good idea. I agree that it would probably not work out the way you hope it would.
__________________
~Sarah~
Mama to Luke (1/21/09) and Isabelle (10/26/10)
Reply With Quote
  #13  
December 14th, 2007, 09:49 PM
dingledine's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Seattle Area
Posts: 11,335
Send a message via MSN to dingledine Send a message via Yahoo to dingledine
Well, last night(Thursday) right after I made this topic/post/question, I just hurried upstairs to bed. Usually I say good night at least once, and linger around a little.

He actually came up to bed and asked what was wrong. Maybe actions will do more than words. I mean, a person treats you, the way they learn to. Changing my behaviors and responses might do the trick. Regardless, at least I would have a better idea where we stand. As an experiment if nothing else.

He was this evening even asking me what was wrong last night "all of a sudden". I told him, it wasn't all of a sudden and I have been mad for quite a while, and I am mad most of the time, about his game.

It was indeed an interesting reaction, worth more intensive investigation.

For me continue on talking and inquiring, when it hasn't worked, would be the definition of madness.

I am not ready to throw the towel in until I have investigated all options. That just isn't fair all of the way around.

__________________






Jewelry for yourself, or for a friend. Breastfeeding aides, beautiful bracelets, earings and more.

Store.beadsarebeautiful.com
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:35 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0