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i'm reading men are from mars woman are from venus and in it it says men like to feel needed and be fixes and trusted.
which made me realise because i do evereything in our house plus have a better job i am not making dh feel needed or trusted with anything.
but heres the question what do i give him to do?
My husband does most of the yardwork (mowing, weed eating, trimming bushes, ect) He also washes all of the laundry. (I fold) He does the dishes and cleans a few times a week and he is equally involved w/taking care of DS. He helps w/baths, play, dinner, ect. I do have to write him notes if I want something special done because he is a man and overlooks certain things lol.
We split the housework - usually we do things together, but since we also both travel, sometimes we solo it while the other is gone. I tend to do the laundry more often, but I trade that off with Matt cleaning the bathrooms (which I HATE to do). I feel like we're pretty equal in our division of household labor. He used to outearn me until I got my current job, and now I outearn him, but that's never been an issue with Matt. I don't think he needs to feel "needed" as much as "appreciated," which I think is a pretty human feeling - no one likes to not have their work recognized. Whenever we have a kiddo, I think we'll try to keep things split pretty evenly.
As an aside, I kind of hate those books that try to say "men are this way, women are this way" - I think you're much better off just talking to the person and discovering their needs. My dislike may stem from the fact that according to all those description, I'm much more like a dude than I am a what a woman is "supposed" to be like, and DH doesn't fit may of the men descriptions either. So take my opinion for what it's worth, lol.
Matt & Jessica - Married 10.27.2007, TTC #1 starting fall 2012
Furbabies Bella (dog) and Luna (cat - RIP 7/8/2012)
My dh does a lot of the cleaning. He fixes and replaces things that are broken like outlets and switches, toilets and faucets. He also has is movie room with zombie figures and posters and movies to take care of.
Simone SAHM to 5 boys Trenton 18, Tyler 16, twins Peyton and Eli 6, & Lennox 3
I think we have a pretty tradition household, as far as gender rolls go. DH works full time and does the man jobs at home (home repairs, yard work, takes out the garbage) I stay home with the kids and do the cooking and cleaning
I'm home alk day so it works out that I do most of the housework. I'm super anal too and don't like the way he cleans lol. He does the yard work, empties the trash and folds and puts away hos laundry. He does whatever else I ask him to also. As far as dd he can do everyhing but bf her lol
Claire Ellene 2/13/12 8 lbs 6 oz 21"
My mom reads those books, then calls me and vents for an hour about how stupid men are. Yes mother, I know, why do you think I'm with a woman?
We don't have to really worry about gender roles, it's cool, there aren't really rules written for same-sex relationships. So we don't have any rules to follow, we just make them up as we go along. I don't cook, but she does. She doesn't like to decorate, I'm actually kind of good at it. Neither of us worries we're too masculine or too feminine. We just do what works and what we're good. And if either of us aren't good at it, we outsource (ie: we hired a cleaning person).
I do know, no one likes to feel like they can't do anything. So, let him do things. Kid needs a diaper change? Let him do it. Sure, he might not do it the "right way" (your way), but it'll get done. Floor needs mopped? Surely he knows how to push around a mop. Again, might not be done your way, but it will be done and he'll feel like you let him contribute to the house.
As for earning more, you have two opitions. Quit, and let your family struggle so he feels like a "real man". Or, tell him to grow a pair and deal with it. I'd go for opition two myself.
I'd also like to suggest couples counsling might be a good idea. It's a safe place for both of you to lay out your issues and get real advice that can help. If he won't go with you, go by yourself, so you can understand what you want better. Sure, better if he goes too, but it can help if you go alone as well. I've been in thearpy for a long time. We see a couples counsler just to "check in" as it were. Because I can be a control freak, and so can she.
Yard work, taking the garbage out, general "fix it" stuff, and he folds the laundry. He does help with other housework occasionally though, but we have different ideas of clean so it's easier if I do it myself. He's the organizer though and likes things to be a certain way in the regard, so he takes care of putting away groceries and things like that.
It would be nice if he would help more, but he's pretty lazy. He is supposed to take the garbage out, clean the litter boxes, load the dishwasher each night and pick up after himself. What he actually does is the dishes if I let them pile up for 3 days, and he'll put the garbage and recycling bins out (without collecting the garbage in the house before putting out the bins) Everything else he will do if I nag him to death, which is annoying. He does help with the baby, but seems to think I'm there to fetch everything he needs while on baby duty. I'm just so irritated with him lately lol
DH's primary role is to financially provide for our family. But seeing as I do that as well (PT) he also has a few things he does around the house to help me out. He is the primary person who takes out the trash, fixes stuff that's broken or does big projects, and does the yardwork. He helps out often time with watching DS, dishes and is getting much better with helping me pick up around the house and vaccuming. All in all he's made miles worth of improvements lately which is great! I still feel that I do 75% of the work, but I'm okay with that as long as I get some good effort and help from him.
I've learned that my DH more than wanting to feel needed and trusted wants to feel appreciated and loved, just like me. I find it hard as a women who always does the thankless work to remember to praise him (even small) for doing the dishes one night after I've done them the past 15 times. KWIM? But he needs that encouragement to do it again and know it wasn't unnoticed.