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I understand..but it still hurts :( (child loss mentioned)


Forum: Waiting to Try to Conceive

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  #1  
April 4th, 2013, 01:43 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: O'Fallon, IL
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Sorry I have been MIA for so long ><

Marriage is going pretty good. Would have been going better if my husband hadn't lost his job on the 1st of March...but we made it through. He starts his next job on the 15th of April...so something positive to look forward to.

I had surgery in November to fix a sprained ankle. Turned out I tore a ligament completely of the bone...so they put it back in place. Thought I was FINALLY healed up from that...but lately, I've been having more pain in my ankle. So i'm frustrated.

Quick back note (**involves child loss**)

My husband was in the US Army before I met him. He has slight PTSD from it, but he functional, so of course, we get NOTHING from the VA for it. My husband has 3 kids with his ex-wife. He had a 4th child with his ex-fiance...but his son died at 2 months old from an unknown heart condition that turned his heart into fibrous tissue. His son that passed and my current son have the same first name..and would have been a few months apart.

Following all of that, my husband had a vasectomy before I met him.

But here's my biggest issue...

My husband admitted to me today that the reason he doesn't want to TTC is because he is scared something will go wrong again. Despite my assurance that his son's condition was NOT genetic, and that my pregnancy and birth of my son went almost flawless. (his stomach wasn't growing enough, and I had low fluid, so I was put on light bed rest).

So I am stuck here....depressed because of the feeling of having empty arms...and there is literally nothing I can do to have a child with my husband. I refuse to be dishonest and cheat on my husband to get what I want. I am not THAT desperate >_<

I just...it hurts that he is letting his fear hold us back of making a child of our own. We knew from the beginning that we wanted at least 1 child together. But I really feel like he just said that to get me to love him more. I know it isn't true, but...I can't help how I feel

What can I do or say to help him?? I am so lost right now...all I want to do is hide in my room and cry.
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  #2  
April 4th, 2013, 05:53 AM
MommytoZoeAlyssa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: VA
Posts: 6,027
Welcome Back!

Hate that you have been having struggles with your DH losing job but your right you do have a positive to look forward to him starting a new job!

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of his son. I can imagine he does have alot of fear. Have you guys talked in depth about it? Has he ever considered talking with a counsler or therapist about it? Try and stay positive with him and don't show any disapointment or frustration with him to help him work through his fears. I hate you feel like you just want to hide away and cry thats an awful feeling to have I have been there before and its no fun. Just think of all the positive things you have in your life and all of the blessings you currently have. I have been going through alot the past 6 months and honestly that has helped me to just focus on the good and what I have vs what I dont have and want. If you ever need anyone to talk to to just rant or anything feel free to msg me. I hope things get better for you!
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  #3  
April 4th, 2013, 12:17 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 7
Congrats on DH's new job! I was wondering the same thing as Zoes_Mommy . . . have you all considered counseling to talk through this? It sounds like he may still be healing from his loss and just needs time to work through it . . . praying for you!!
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  #4  
April 4th, 2013, 01:31 PM
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Location: O'Fallon, IL
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I tried to get him to see a therapist. He has told me that he thinks they are full of it. He doesn't believe in medication for mental disorders either...despite the fact that i'm on meds for severe anxiety.

i feel so lost
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  #5  
April 4th, 2013, 04:12 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I feel your pain all the way over here!!! Forgive me if I overstep but I work at a non-profit organization which offers counseling over the phone. If you are interested, you can reach our counselors (at no cost to you) by dialing 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They’re here Monday through Friday between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT). Maybe they can provide some insight and encouragement?
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  #6  
April 4th, 2013, 04:16 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Quote:
Originally Posted by airfobrat View Post
I tried to get him to see a therapist. He has told me that he thinks they are full of it. He doesn't believe in medication for mental disorders either...despite the fact that i'm on meds for severe anxiety.

i feel so lost
I can feel your pain all the way over here!! Please forgive me if I overstep but I work at a non-profit organization which offers counseling over the phone. If you want you can reach the counselors (at no cost to you) by dialing 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They’re here Monday through Friday between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT) . . . maybe they can provide encouragement and advice?

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  #7  
April 4th, 2013, 05:20 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: O'Fallon, IL
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oscarsmom View Post
I can feel your pain all the way over here!! Please forgive me if I overstep but I work at a non-profit organization which offers counseling over the phone. If you want you can reach the counselors (at no cost to you) by dialing 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They’re here Monday through Friday between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT) . . . maybe they can provide encouragement and advice?

I just may do that one of these days...

I was seeing a therapist that I saw when I was a teenager...but lately, I don't agree with her methods. She is more worried about focusing on my marriage then the reason I went in to see her...my anxiety due to PTSD. I have 2 really bad events in my past that have changed my life...and she doesn't seem to care to help me get past them...she was more focused on making me change my ways. I made the decision that I wasn't going to see her anymore a few months ago. And to be honest, my anxiety has gotten worse despite being on medication.

I just...i don't know anymore. I love my husband to the heavens and back...but if he refuses to have another child with me...i really don't know how much longer I can deal with it.
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  #8  
April 5th, 2013, 09:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by airfobrat View Post
I just may do that one of these days...

I was seeing a therapist that I saw when I was a teenager...but lately, I don't agree with her methods. She is more worried about focusing on my marriage then the reason I went in to see her...my anxiety due to PTSD. I have 2 really bad events in my past that have changed my life...and she doesn't seem to care to help me get past them...she was more focused on making me change my ways. I made the decision that I wasn't going to see her anymore a few months ago. And to be honest, my anxiety has gotten worse despite being on medication.

I just...i don't know anymore. I love my husband to the heavens and back...but if he refuses to have another child with me...i really don't know how much longer I can deal with it.
Please feel free to give them a call . . . and they have a great list of referrals throughout the country so they can also give you suggestions for someone locally if you wanted. Praying for peace and comfort!!!
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