[Fluga]

Spinoff from the attachment parenting poll threads. I just started wondering what really is birth bonding. What is it to you and what was your experience? Was it like you expected?

For me it was nothing like what I had hoped. I did have her in my arms within minutes of her being born. I thought I'd be admiring her and seeing if she would root (read somewhere that newborns do that) for the breast. In reality I had been awake for 29 hours, was stuck in the lithonomy (sp?) position waiting until the doctor could show up to sew me up and had no energy or original thought left. We initiated breastfeeding shortly after and that was weird too, there was that tiny creature who didnt really know how to grab onto the nipple and then suddenly it clicked and ooowwweeeeee.

[Mod-quietsong]

Well, birth bonding is less than important to me as early bonding, sometime once things have calmed down. With Eric, I was getting stitches, and then once he was given to me I tried to BF and it hurt like crazy, not to mention I'd been awake for 4 days Then there was the rush to order me supper before the kitchen closed less than half an hour later, heh. We bonded a few hours after birth, and that worked for me.

Danny...was a special case with his massive medical issues and the depression they created. I truly bonded with him probably when he was about 3-4 months old.

I've been wanting to add birth bonding to our back to basics series but I found the holidays to be extremely busy!

I love this thread and hope we get lots of input! (I'll try to get back to answer it too.)

Cheers,

Michelle

[Lepidoptera]

Yeah, birth bonding. I had also been awake for more than 24 hours, was extremely hungry, and i was the only one who didn't cry when Farah was born (My mom, 2 sisters, and husband were also in the room with us). She nursed a little, she got all wrapped up and cleaned off, the whole family came in and held her and took pictures while I got a stitch or two, I had a sandwich, and then everyone else went home and she went off to the nursery to sit in the warmer for an hour. I was so jazzed up and high on all the hormones I couldn't really focus much on anything, I wasn't tired at all, and i didn't really know what to do. Once I got to go to my room I went to see her in the nursery and i didn't know which baby was her! It was very disconcerting. Fortunately she was sleeping, and they weren't going to release her from the warmer yet, so the nurses said I should take a nap, and after I slept for about an hour I woke up with the certainty that something very huge had just happened, but I couldn't remember what it was. Then bam, I remembered, and boy if I wasn't out that door to collect my baby! It was after that that we really started to bond. I took off her clothes, put her inside my pajamas next to my skin, let her try nursing again, and basically never let her go. We were allowed to have her in the room with us as long as someone was awake, and I couldn't bear to let her be away from me again, so I just basically stayed awake for the two whole days i was in the hospital. I slept maybe 3-4 hours each night, but both times as soon as she was gone I was sure I could hear her crying for me, and I just couldn't sleep anyway. That's why i'm glad to be delivering at a birthing center for this next one, and they let you go home between 4-12 hours after the birth. The babies just sleep for the first 2 days anyway, and that's when you need to be sleeping and recovering too! But I wasn't able to do that at the hospital because I wanted her to be with me in the room, and my poor husband was even more tired than I was and totally freaked out by being alone with her, so I couldn't rest there. Plus they freaking poke you or test you or bother you every 4 hours or so even at night, so I'm just looking forward to being able to come home asap after DD#2 is born.

[Effervescence]

I did not get a chance to really bond with Jonah until we were home. I agree with the above about everyone coming in to poke and test you. The trouble was, when I NEEDED them, they weren't around, but when I was trying to sleep, or DH had just gotten the baby to sleep, in they come to wake the both of us up. DH couldn't tolerate all the monitors, and frankly I think he had the heebies. They were pumping benadryl into my IV which made me sleep very deeply. My mom ended up coming to the hospital to take care of me, because she is a nurse so I said "Mom, come and do your thing and make these people leave us alone!" We signed a waiver to be released early.

Immediately following his birth I had an "emergency" d&c (I posted about that before) and when I finally did get to hold Jonah, right after coming to, the pedi called me to discuss why I had declined the shots for Jonah. I told her "I am looking at him for the first time in either of our lives; we can discuss this when you come and do his physical" and I hung up. She called again, but I told the nurse I do not want to talk to anyone, it is my son's time. She took the phone out of the room and I don't know what was said.

I am looking forward to our next birth, because we are planning a home birth. I don't want anyone but my DH and maybe our midwife around for the first hour or so. That being said, I think our bond is very strong, and has been since that first week that we were home.

[Fluga]

What was the poking all for? The only time I got poked after birth was when they took blood to check for anemia. They only did that because I lost more than normal blood after the birth. The only time they poked DD was to check her temperature every morning.

I got to room in with her but unfortunatly it was a shared room. If it wasnt the other woman snoring then it was her baby crying, her talking on the phone in increasing volume (i ended up asking her to keep it down), or her family not adhering to visiting hours and having her mom for hours (I wanted mine too *whine*) and like 4 other people at another point.

That hospital is the only place to deliver in in here unfortunatly. If all goes well i'm so out of there within hours next time.

[MommaNator]

It's such a shame that everyone gets poked at and woken up so much I was too. I think the Stadol I had during labor really addled my brain for a few days. When Mona was born, I knew it was supposed to be this shining "ahhh" moment with a choir of angels singing, and I was overwhelmed with a few tears, but I just looked at this child on my tummy and had no idea what to say or what to do. It was not an instantaneous magical bonding. I loved her, but not like I do now! I had already been awake more than a day when Mona was born, and I proceeded to get only 5 hours sleep in the next 3 or so days. Every time I managed to fall asleep in the hospital, someone wanted to check my episiotomy or they were bringing Mona in, saying she was hungry. I thought, "she's sleeping, she's not hungry!" Like I said, the Stadol or the epidural or both really affected my brain for a while. In the childbirth class we attended, we had been told repeatedly that it was OK to send the baby to the nursery so we could sleep. Every time I did I could see the judgment in the nurses' faces and they always woke me up right away anyway. I just desperately needed sleep. I got so little that by the time we got home, with the sleep deprivation and hormones crashing, I was not physically able to get up and nurse Mona a zillion times a night. So my good husband (who was on paternity leave) got up nights and fed Mona. That's how I ended up nursing only half-time. If only we had discovered co-sleeping by then... In the hospital the nurses had been checking Mona's blood sugar and sticking her poor little heels all day and night, and in the wee hours of the morning we were to be discharged a nurse swooped in and said my baby's blood sugar was low. Well, my milk wasn't in yet. Nonetheless I suddenly had many complete strangers demanding to watch me breastfeed to see if I'm doing it right, and a bevy of lactation consultants swooped in with breastpumps and formula. I'm left sitting shirtless on the edge of the bed with one lactation consultant 'helping' with the pump on each breast while behind me my husband is giving our daughter her first bottle of formula that I did not want her to have. I felt so violated and at fault. All because no one could wait for my milk to come in. If you test too much, sometimes you find something that was probably not a problem at all. One nurse told me that my gestational diabetes caused Mona's blood sugar to be too low; it was MY fault. (I had to follow the GD diet and blood sticks but 2 experts disagreed the whole pg whether I had GD or not. Mona was born at 38 weeks less than 7 lb. Not a GD baby.) I had BP issues after this information and the hospital was not going to let us leave. I needed sleep. By the time we were discharged, DH and I felt like we were escaping from a prison and we threw things in bags and left as quickly as we could. It was not joyous; it was an escape. ANYWAY, with all that and not expecting motherhood at first to be as I found it, and some PPD too, I think it took a few months before I really was "in love" with my daughter. I loved her before she was born but had no idea how much I would love her later So, birth bonding, not so much. It was later.

ETA: The one time I did put Mona in my hospital bed, a nurse came in and gave me a big speech about how I could kill her. The same nurse came in and found Mona sleeping in my husband's arms on the pull-out sofa and about flipped. I have a lovely picture of DH and Mona.

[Lepidoptera]

The poking they do is less physical poking of the skin and more annoyances - blood pressure 4 or more times a day (including at 5 am), temperature, checking stitches, doctors poking your legs and asking you if you can feel that (even though I didn't have an epidural and had no reason to have numb legs), nurses bugging you to take unncessary pain meds or stool softeners, nurses checking your uterus (externally, of course!) twice a day, PLUS the visitors, the hospital smells, the other babies crying, the trapped feeling from having to stay in your room and not even being allowed to leave that side of the wing of the hospital you're on (DD had a monitor on her ankle, and if I went past a line on the floor near the nurses station with her, they'd assume she was being kidnapped and all hell would break loose).

So bonding in a hospital is probably more difficult than bonding in other, non-sick/intrusive places. When you give birth in a hospital, you are the only people there who aren't sick. (most of the time!) Yet the whole system is set up to care for sick people, so they use the same sickness model on you. I think birth bonding and birth in general is probably easier when you give birth in a gentler, more birth-centered place.

Although, my step-sister gave birth in a free-standing center for her second child, and had MORE depression and serious PPD than with her first, but in fairness, she has some mental illness to begin with, so it is possible that giving birth in the gentler environment actually protected her from developing post-partum psychosis rather than just post-partum depression.

[Mod-quietsong]

I honestly don't recall much "poking" after my vaginal delivery. They checked up on me the first couple hours after to make sure I was fine, but mostly they left me alone, just coming in to ask how I was feeling and if I needed anything, but they never woke me up for anything.

Now, after my c-section, they did plenty of poking and checking, but that's to be expected after surgery!

[broxi3781]

I've read quite a bit about how important and critical those first few minutes are, but I dont think there is just some "magical " window of time. I think the bonding begins the minute you find out you are pg and grows with the pregnancy and birth.
I believe that in ideal circumstances every effort should be made to facilitate birth bonding, which is why a scheduled a home birth for Ian. Unfortunately you dont always get ideal circumstances. Ian spent his first couple hours in an incubator, not what i would have chosen, but it certainly has not affected our bond.
With Billy at least i got 5 minutes of just holding him and marvelling at him immediatly after birth before being rushed out of the delivery suite so the staff could get their break. The hospital experience was horrid but i was out in 6 hours.
i am one of those lucky ones who is just all gushy and overwhelmed at seeing my babies alive and healthy and first holding them in my arms, and still feel that sense of wonder looking at my boys, but then again, i fell in love at first sight with dh too. Whether love comes all at once or grows slowy all that really matters is that its there. Oh and I would never ever admit this to him but I still have that feeling of wonder looking at dh sometimes too.

^ Awesome to read broxi!

I am pretty sad to read about the (many times needless) medical protocal done on babies and post partem moms.. MommaNator, I can related being told it's "my fault" by a nurse and feeling so humilated for it. For me it was about my milk not coming in too. I can't remember the exact word she used but it was so derogatory so my dd was jaundiced and had to go back to the hopsital.

I'm fighting a headache, my dd is sick and I'm tired. Hopefully I'll catch up on the other posts later.

Cheers,

Michelle

[kristen121]

They handed me DD immediately after she was born. I held her for a few minutes and then they took her to weight and measure her. I wasn't really ready to give her up yet, but I was too overwhelmed by everything going on to protest. They did all her assessments in the room, so it wasn't like they took her to the nursery or anything, but I had an epi and was being stiched up, so I couldn't do much but lay in bed. DH stood by her and sang to her and held her hand. Then when they were done checking her over they handed her to me again. I had said before that I wanted to try nursing as soon as possible after birth, but I was so overwhlemed by everything that I completely forgot about it. But DH remembered and said "When can she try to breastfeed?" The nurse said "Right now." Then DH looked at me and said "Get you milk stations out" which I thought was really funny. She did latch on right away, but didn't nurse very long. She stayed in the room with us almost the whole time we were in the hospital, but I did have them take her to the nursery for a few hours each night so I could get some sleep. Overall, I was happy with the time I got to spend with her in the time right after her birth.

They handed me DD immediately after she was born. I held her for a few minutes and then they took her to weight and measure her. I wasn't really ready to give her up yet, but I was too overwhelmed by everything going on to protest. They did all her assessments in the room, so it wasn't like they took her to the nursery or anything, but I had an epi and was being stiched up, so I couldn't do much but lay in bed. DH stood by her and sang to her and held her hand. Then when they were done checking her over they handed her to me again. I had said before that I wanted to try nursing as soon as possible after birth, but I was so overwhlemed by everything that I completely forgot about it. But DH remembered and said "When can she try to breastfeed?" The nurse said "Right now." Then DH looked at me and said "Get you milk stations out" which I thought was really funny. She did latch on right away, but didn't nurse very long. She stayed in the room with us almost the whole time we were in the hospital, but I did have them take her to the nursery for a few hours each night so I could get some sleep. Overall, I was happy with the time I got to spend with her in the time right after her birth.[/b]

What an awesome story..


To the bolded ~ that's hilarous!!

[beck12]

I don't know how to think of this honestly - I remember certain things very clearly & some of it is hazy. I think I could have answered this more easily closer to when he was born....as my memories were fresher. Unlike others I was overall pretty happy with my post L&D hospital visit. I didn't have ALL great nurses & LC's - but most were good & a few were great. I was able to nurse him basically immediately following birth. they laid him on my tummy, gave him a quick rub down & turned him over & placed him at my breast literally that fast. After he nursed for what seemed like just a moment (and I was later told it was longer of course) they cleaned him up, weighed him, etc & then wrapped him up & handed him to Dh at my request. I was desperate for Dh to hold him - like I needed Dh to confirm, for me that everything was okay. I had a rough L&D and had been awake (other than a 2 hr nap on day one) for basically 72 hrs or so - and I literally was hallucinating & delirious....so that is obviously why I don't remember a whole lot of detail. I do remember being ticked as heck that they made me walk to my room - when I came in they wouldn't LET me walk to L&D even though I was more than happy to, I had to go by wheelchair...the NEXT DAY after laboring all night I was made to walk to my room & was told I could NOT have a wheelchair. What the heck is that???? LOL Anyway - I nursed him again as soon as I got to my room & I had been delayed quite some time being sewn up from tearing through my rectum, so when I got to the room my niece was there (she had been there all along) and Dh - and they had Jonah & I remember being a little upset & jealous that they had already spent more time loving on him & cuddling him than I had. Then I got in bed, asked for some orange pop, got him latched & nursed him for a bit & passed out cold. We even have pictures where I am out, Ds is latched on, I have my cup in one hand & my lid & straw in teh other with my arms splayed out & I look like I have two black eyes. It's pathetic really. The nurse came in after I fell asleep & asked me if she could take the baby & place him in the isolete or give him to Dh because he wasn't nursing any longer. I remember telling her to take him to the nurses station as I knew family would be arriving & I wanted them to see the baby but I did NOT want any visitors yet. He went to the nurses station for about 2 hrs & then I woke up & he basically was with me the rest of the time. I was in the hospital 5 days & Ds was jaundiced & had to spend one night in the billi-box. My milk didn't come in until well after I was home, maybe day 7 or 8 at the earliest. For all the stuff I know about BF - I find it shocking that so many medical professionals think that is extremely late.....I never even thought to be concerned about it & no one ever mentioned it to me. When I asked my LC when my milk would come in, she said "In it's own time - don't worry" so I didn't. She actually told me I may never get the big dramatic engorgement, etc & the only way I would know is if I was pumping I would see a color change - so I half thought I never would get engorged, but I did for about 48 hrs a week or so after delivery.

As far as bonding with him - I really think for me it was ab it weird. I had a number of losses before him & I only know this journey through my own eyes & my own feelings, but I STILL have a hard time believing he is mine, that everything is okay & that he is here. I think I am less astounded than I was at that first moment, but not by much. I just remember looking at him in awe & feeling totally connected to him & like I was having an out of body experience & totally disconnected to everything all at once. It is hard to put into words...because on some level I did feel deeply connected & on other levels I felt completely disconnected from everything. Like I said though - the sheer level of sleep deprivation may have a lot to do with some of those weird early feelings as well. I can say though that my hospital stay overall was great - I felt taken care of, I felt like they cared, I felt supported overall & I frankly did NOT want to leave when ti was time to go. My Dh said I had Stockholm syndrome from my severe sleep deprivation being like it's own kind of torture...LOL...maybe he is right. All I know is that I cried when I had to go & I cried all the way home & I missed my nurses VERY much for weeks after. They took great care of me, they were faster than fast to help me in & out of bed, to help me shower, to get me out of my room & walking the halls, to tell visitors that I was resting & to come back later, etc, etc. I swear if they invited me to stay a month I would have said yes in a heartbeat. Oh & they fed me GREAT & as much as I wanted whenever I wanted. On the last day I technically wasn't a patient as I was released but Ds was not until that evening & they STILL treated me JUST as good as they had the rest of the time as well. I think that helped tremendously with my bonding...I felt safe & cocooned in my room. I also was smart & asked for limited guests from my family & friends & asked people to wait until I got out. I sent DH home many time to take naps & shower, etc to give me alone time & I think I spent about 60% of my time there completely alone with DS. I really think that helped give us a great start on bonding & a calm beginning into motherhood.

[lmarie13]

With Ava, I had horrible horrible nurses and an awful delivery. Tons of stitches, pain, etc. I was told it was my fault she was so jaundiced (4 days after birth) because she was "early". she was a 37 weeker who was 8lb 1oz. LOL

But I did get to hold her immediately; even when they were finishing the stitches. so I got the full birth bonding experience with her and it was really wonderful. My post-partum nurses were great, Ava slept on my chest, or my husbands chest and they thought it was sweet...they left us just be us 3 for as much time as possible.

With Noah, I didn't have a choice. 7 minutes after he was born he was taken away from me and 6.5 hours after he was born he was rushed to NICU. The first 9 days of his life I got to hold him less than 3 hours total. I don't think that changed my bond from him at all. It changed me personally...I felt very lonely and unattached in general; but not regarding my son. Touching his little hand or rubbing his head was all I needed. Even staring at him in his incubator when I wasn't allowed to touch him was enough for me at the moment.

With Noah my birth experience was sooooo much better than with Ava. I had him natural without drugs and I had the most amazing nurse and MD. I really did. The hospital I gave birth at supports attachment parenting, so I know if he hadn't have needed to go to NICU I wouldn't have been given anything but support for my choices.

Lisa

[broxi3781]

"but I STILL have a hard time believing he is mine, that everything is okay & that he is here"
I could have wrote that myself, maybe all the losses makes us appreciate them so much more. i can remeber it finally sunk in with billy when he was diagnosed with colic and severe reflux (it wasnt as we found out later)
and i had been walking the floor with a crying infant for 2hours and i just burst into tears of joy because it finally sunkk in that he was really here and alive in my arms. Thankfully no one else was there to see and i've never mentioned it before but i think you might understand the feeling. I still wake up everymorning and feel overwhelmed by the it all, they will always be such a miracle to me.

[Fluga]

With Ava, I had horrible horrible nurses and an awful delivery. Tons of stitches, pain, etc. I was told it was my fault she was so jaundiced (4 days after birth) because she was "early". she was a 37 weeker who was 8lb 1oz. LOL[/b]

What were you supposed to squeeze your feet shut?

I suppose it was my fault that my daughter came at 39 weeks, I had been moving furniture (including a shoe shelf up and down the stairs) to clean lol.

[BoobyDutyAgainJen]

"but I STILL have a hard time believing he is mine, that everything is okay & that he is here"
I could have wrote that myself, maybe all the losses makes us appreciate them so much more. i can remeber it finally sunk in with billy when he was diagnosed with colic and severe reflux (it wasnt as we found out later)
and i had been walking the floor with a crying infant for 2hours and i just burst into tears of joy because it finally sunkk in that he was really here and alive in my arms. Thankfully no one else was there to see and i've never mentioned it before but i think you might understand the feeling. I still wake up everymorning and feel overwhelmed by the it all, they will always be such a miracle to me.[/b]

This is the same feeling I have for my daughter Leila through everything due to placing my birth daughter Olivia up for adoption. The loss, while not the same, is very similar.

I feel as if I bonded immediately with Leila. I was so pleased to see her...the bright red hair so long, the weird bugged out eyes, the clear bruises on her face, the sweet OMG look on her face...it honestly was love at first sight. She was placed immediately on my belly and it really was magical how I loved her so much at the second of seeing her.

Now however I did begin to suffer from PPD some weeks later and it wasn't until I started therapy in I think May that it resolved itself. I was having a lot of guilt feelings over my birth daughter and also feeling some resentment towards Leila for the love her father has for her and is unable to show me.

[kimber]

This is such a special thread.

I am extremely fortunate as I was able to bond with Avery from the first moment of her birth. I believe we really connected several times while she was inutero as ell. I used to give her little pats hen she as active and she would kick back sometimes 10 times in a row.

My labor and delivery were a dream, not a distant one you forget but a truly amazing experience.I gave birth in a small birthcenter style hospital run by Osteopathic Doctors, the nurses were AMAZING!!!!! I was allowed to actually pull Avery up and out and actually did so a little too zestfully. Then she was completely checked out on me, after about an hour or so AFTER she had attempted nursing she was weighed and measured, again right in the room. Then DH got his turn, he had his own little chair/bed thingy and he held her on his naked chest under that warm heated flannel sheet thing. We have great photos. I'll go through some some time soon. She continued to latch on but she was completely tongue tied and could not nurse adequeatly until after it was snipped at 4 days old. I am thankful every single day for our early weeks of deep bonding as @ 3 weeks old she began to have colicky episodes that would last the next 4 months.

I am right there with you ladies that marvelled that this child was here and yours, after 3 years and several miscarriages I STILL am in awe of this child and my incredable luck in getting to be her Mom.

[Toby's-Mommy]

With Toby, I had a natural water-birth planned. The hospital I had supported waterbirths, even had a few suites with birthing tubs. My midwife knew and was on board with the idea. But my little man had other ideas, and my water broke at 34.5 weeks. There went my hopes for a water birth or a non-invasive hospital stay. I was considered high risk because he was premature, so they made me stay hooked up to all the monitors and an IV for fluids. Eventually they insisted on pitocin because I hadn't progressed quickly enough. I finally got an epi after about 16 hours. I had so wanted a natural birth, but I just couldn't deal with the pain of the pitocin and the emotional trauma of having to birth a preemie baby.
After his birth I got to hold him for about .02 seconds, then he was whisked to the NICU, where he stayed for a week. He was two days old before I got to hold him. Luckily, on his fourth day in the NICU we had a WONDERFUL nurse who asked me if I wanted to try Kangaroo care. Of COURSE I did! They put him, carefully, on my chest in just his diaper. He had wires coming out everywhere and an IV in his scalp, but I didn't care. He slept on my chest for over an hour. My milk came in that day, not coincidentally.
So I didn't get the birth-bonding in the water that I would have liked, but thanks to the nurses in the NICU I felt bonded to him after a few days. I could come and go at any hour I wanted, and eventually I could hold him and nurse any time. But oh my gosh, it was so wonderful when we got home and I was able to pick up MY baby anytime I wanted, with no wires or tubes!