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Nola, Kailey, Dr.'s... How we're doing blah blah blah


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  #1  
April 7th, 2009, 05:55 AM
~Jackie
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I'm really enjoying the family dr. that we've chosen. He is educated on breastfeeding, encouraged me to breastfeed in the office when she started crying, asked a simple, "do you immunize?" and when I said "no" went on to the next question without batting an eye.... He was very nice, (very talkative that annoyed DH lol) and we're very happy to have him.

Kailey is so helpful with Nola, she helps change diapers, (she can wrap them up and throw them away), she helps burp her, she covers her up and says "it's ok it's ok baby i'm right here" when she cries She's adorable. However she has hit Nola twice (once on the head and the other she stepped/pressed on her side) which I know is normal acting out.

Kailey's tantrums have Josh and I pulling our hair out. My patience is REALLY being tested with her. Time-outs are a joke. She just screams and wiggles her body and will NOT listen. I've found that sometimes if I stop trying to get her attention to scold her and just grab her and hold/hug her and tell her "I love you, I'm right here, what's wrong?" she'll calm down MUCH faster. I know she's just needing/wanting more mommy/daddy time.

How do you deal with throwing? She's gotten into this lately and I cannot get her to stop! Drives me nuts! I don't want anything to break or hit anyone (or Nola). She keeps walking by and hitting Josh and I and then saying, "I'm just pat-patting" (meaning I'm just givng you a love pat) but it's really NOT, it's hitting.... She actually spit in my face the other day Seriously?!

Nola is great. I started work yesterday and I'm hoping to not pump on my 7-11 days. I feed her right before I leave and as soon as I get home. Josh gives her a bottle when I'm gone of EBM. I pump a ton of milk so I know I'll have enough, I just hate pumping, drives me nuts. If we could afford it I would be home. Josh is trying to get me to quit because he wants me home too but we can't afford it right now. He's looking for another job because this company sucks.

Nola wakes up twice at night. Although now that I wake up at 5am she only wakes up once during MY night.... the 4:30ish feeding is now my actual wake-up time.

Babyfever hasn't set in. I had it continuously after Kailey, but not this time. I get very small twinges of the baby bump blues but it passes quickly. I'm excited to get back into shape and have my body (except boobs) to myself for the next 4-5yrs before we TTC two more little ones. I had a dream the other night I was preggo with triplets - two girls and 1 boy and I was SO excited!

The day of having Nola I swore to myself I would never have another homebirth/NCB again because of the pain with pushing - but now I'm ready for another homebirth (in the future mind you) LOL! The pain is forgotten fast. LOL!

Sorry for not being around here much, I've been floating from board to board and I'm enjoying my DDC/PR while I can before it's flooded with all the terrible baby advice and then I'll stop going And I don't have the attention span to read long posts/involved discussions (as I'm typing a novel here )

I'm very impressed with Josh lately - he's really stepped into the daddy role that I've always wanted him to be. He's great with Kailey. He always told me that baby stages are very hard for him and I thought he was just being lazy but he really is loving the age Kailey is at... babys make him so nervous.

Can't think of anything else ATM so there's my long update Glad to see so many faces around here!!!
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  #2  
April 7th, 2009, 07:28 AM
blondie-lox's Avatar Do NOT feed the Troll
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I'm glad you and the family are doing so great!

Good luck with Kailey, she's probably just acting out because of Nola, I'm sure she'll find her place.
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  #3  
April 7th, 2009, 07:56 AM
Sophia1Day
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Your family Dr. sounds like a dream. I had the same experience with my natural childbirth.

As for Kailey, your instincts to help her when she has a tantrum instead of to give her a time out are right on.

What we do instead is the connection parenting approach.... we used to use time outs as well, this approach really helped much more. At first things may seem worse as they release stored hurt they didn't feel safe to release before when you were using the time out method, but then it gets better and the tantrums have nearly disappeared altogether for us, and so has the hitting, finally. When you truly wait out the tantrum you will experience such an amazing connection with your child afterward that you will know you did the right thing. It's hard to wait them out sometimes... Going to copy some insight I shared in other posts..

Connection Parenting p64
"Having no more room to store hurt is the explanation for temper tantrums. A temper tantrum is a spillover." ..."Our efforts to reason, comfort, or fix are useless." "Temper tantums push our buttons. We may feel anxious, angry, or embarrased." "Crying and tantrums are not misbehaviors or manipulation; they are healing behaviors. Tantrums appear to be manipulation because the most common trigger for a tantrum is the disappointment and feeling of loss a child experiences when we say "No.". The no is the last straw, the final drop that unleashes the hurt"

p65
"There is a bright side to tantrums. Releasing thhe pain of emotions hurt clears the way for emotional connection."

"Do you ever have days when it feels like children are pushing the limits and being demanding? ...a child might push for the no that will be the final hurt that spills the cup..."

When it's apparent that time in is necessary we go into his room. I sit on the end of his bed and wait for him to be ready to connect. He rages. If it becomes too much for me I say "I need a minute" and come back in a minute. When he is done he climbs in my lap and we reconnect. If the problem hasn't escalated yet we just go take 3 deep breaths. (i breath, he counts, its okay if they just watch you do it) When he is being destructive I will repeat the above and when we get to the point of time in he isn't raging in those cases just hyper, and will sit in my lap right away. I will say "lets take 3 calming breaths!" one (he says one) I breathe in. same for two and three. Then we leave the room, and he helps me clean up willingly. Children behave well when they feel well.

If I try to push connection or touch him before he is ready it will escalate the problem. I respect his need for space. Sometimes he doesn't want me to stay in the room with him. I ask if he wants the door open or closed, and to let me know when he's ready for me to come back. Respecting a child's space during a tantrum is different then ignoring a tantrum.

Modeling Time Out works great for us too. When I feel very angry I will say "I'm really mad I need time alone!" and shut myself in the bathroom and when I emerge, feeling better, I say "I feel better now" My son is learning to give himselves time outs in this way. Children learn what they live. Modeling is the most important teaching tool as a parent, in my humble opinion.

let me know if you want to know anything more about time in instead of time out.
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  #4  
April 7th, 2009, 09:37 AM
broxi3781's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Billy has always been really good with Ian too, but we have ahd the occasional kick up. I do think its natural, they jsut need some special time with all the changes. Perhaps if DH could spend some extra one on one time.
As to the throwing things, my God did we have trouble with that. its not to bad now, but every once in a while he throws toys in the living room still. He is allowed to in his room or trampoline room. But this was Billy's first full sentence " I didnt throw it, it fell" at 22 months.
It was also a complete and bold faced lie! he used to absolutley love the sound of breaking glass. cant say we did anything brilliant that helped,( besides putting all glass out of reach) he just outgrew it.
But glad everything else is going well, too bad you have to go back to work so soon though, but at least its short hours now.
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  #5  
April 7th, 2009, 12:01 PM
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Jackie, I'm so glad to see you posting here again!! I missed quite a bit by having a computer melt down and lack of time for the computer. I'm really looking forward to hearing more and more stories about life with 2 from you!! I trust that little Nola is just as adorable as her big sis?

I love Sophia1days input on the tantrums and hitting. Avery and Kailey are so close in age and really seem like similar temperment kids. I'm really working on keeping my own peace and focus on her as much as humanly possible and the pay off is extraordinary. It is so true that they often are just crying for connection in whatever way they can. I read an awesome quote in Naomi Aldorts book .Raising our children Raising ourselves. That was basically this..our kids do not need to have us be consistent just to know that our LOVE for them is omnipresent....I'm definitely not quoting it correctly...Its an AWESOME and very very easy read and has tons of AWESOME sibling info in it.
I look forward to hearing more!!!!
Super glad you're posting here!!!!!!!


oh p.s What day did you give birth? I think you may remember my sis was preggo with you. Her due date was March 5th.....the babies birthday is March 25th..She weighed almost 10 pounds!! I get to meet her next week!!
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  #6  
April 7th, 2009, 12:05 PM
~Jackie
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Thank you everyone for your insight!!!

Nola was born March 20th The first day of Spring... the day that I wanted her to be born!!!

Thank you everyone for your insight!!!

Nola was born March 20th The first day of Spring... the day that I wanted her to be born!!!
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  #7  
April 7th, 2009, 12:13 PM
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little spring goddess!!!!!

Last edited by kimber; April 7th, 2009 at 12:14 PM. Reason: spelling
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  #8  
April 7th, 2009, 01:09 PM
Sophia1Day
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Quote:
Originally Posted by broxi3781 View Post
Billy has always been really good with Ian too, but we have ahd the occasional kick up. I do think its natural, they jsut need some special time with all the changes. Perhaps if DH could spend some extra one on one time.
As to the throwing things, my God did we have trouble with that. its not to bad now, but every once in a while he throws toys in the living room still. He is allowed to in his room or trampoline room. But this was Billy's first full sentence " I didnt throw it, it fell" at 22 months.
It was also a complete and bold faced lie! he used to absolutley love the sound of breaking glass. cant say we did anything brilliant that helped,( besides putting all glass out of reach) he just outgrew it.
But glad everything else is going well, too bad you have to go back to work so soon though, but at least its short hours now.
Billy sounds like such a bright little boy! Their imagination can be so convincing at that age. In our family, we don't consider it lying at such a young age. It really can seem that way though, can't it?

Here are some good articles on lying.
When Children Lie - Lying Behavior in Older Toddlers and Young Children
Lying and Toddlers

"Until he's 3 or 4, your child isn't really able to distinguish between reality and fantasy. What that means is that it's impossible for your 1- or 2-year-old to grasp the concepts of lying"

I hope it helps you feel better to know that your son was not lying to you, so much as he was telling you what he wished happened or what he thought you wanted to hear (because he didn't want to be responsible for upsetting you) and also sometimes their lying is just underdeveloped speech. Such as my son who says "He hit me!" when someone stands to close to him. What he means to say is "Don't hit me" or "I'm afraid you are going to hit me"

I'm not sure how you handle lies or prefer they be handled, but what works for us depends on the situation. Example: "I didn't do it. Cinderella did!" would best be handled "Cinderella is your guest in our house, so you will be responsible if she touches that again." (it's imaginary play, they sometimes blame invisible friends or stuffed animals, personally I see no need for confrontation)

Another situation may require you to clarify "Did you mean to say that you are afraid Thomas is going to hit you?".

Another situation may just require you easing their fear they may be punished or "disciplined" "I am not mad, and no one is in trouble. Can you try again to remember how the toy ended up on the other side of the room?" a straight forward approach is good too "You said the toy fell, but I saw you throw it. You won't get in trouble when you tell the truth. We can think of ways to handle our toys with more care in the future"

more:

Lying Information on Healthline

"Making up stories is part of a normal fantasy life for young children. It is a positive sign of developing intelligence and of an active and healthy imagination. Preschool children who are beginning to express themselves through language are not yet able to make a clear distinction between reality and make-believe. Storytelling at this age is seldom an intentional effort to deceive. When preschool children do engage in intentional deceit, it is usually to avoid reprimand. They are concerned with pleasing the parent, and may fear the punishment for admitting a mistake or misdeed."

Here's another example:
Child hasn't put dishes in the sink.
tip 1: don't ask if they put the dish in the sink if you know they didn't and see it still sitting on the counter. Just say what you see:
instead of : did you put your dish in the sink try: I see your dish is still sitting at the table.
If they reply and say "no its not, its in the sink"
try: "I'm hearing that you wish you'd already cleared your plate so that you wouldn't have to do it. It seems like a lot of work right?"

Preschoolers may "lie" but they do not understand it is dishonest.


"Fibs told by younger preschool children - "The doll broke the toy" or 'I saw a giant at the park" - show either they muddle up fact and fantasy, or demonstrate an understandable desire to avoid getting into trouble. In middle childhood, though, we generally expect our children to be more honest.

It's only from about seven to eight years of age that children can fully understand the difference between truth and lies - before that they're not 'lying' in the adult sense, as they may genuinely believe they saw a fairy in the garden!

By about eight or nine years of age most children have an understanding of right and wrong. The development of conscience means your child will feel bad when he tells a lie - even though he may still do it."

Another example: "Daddy said I could have ice cream for dinner"
You: "Hmmm, if I ask Daddy, will he give me the same answer?"

With younger children it's best not to assume they are lying, but still teach the importance of the truth. When my son "lies" I may say "we should be careful with our words, so we don't hurt anyone's feelings or sound like we are accusing them of something they didn't do" (such as in the case of saying someone hit him who didnt even touch him) Another one is because of his Autism he is very physically sensitive, if you touch him at all he may yell that you hurt him. I clarify for him "It hurt when I touched you" or "It hurt when Jonathan touched you just now"

She goes on to say to model making mistakes in front of your child and owning up to said mistakes...she gives some other specific advice too.

It's best to avoid calling it a lie or a fib though. You do not want to teach a child that they are a liar, or they will grow to believe it and become a liar.

Not saying this isn't how anyone here already handles "lying" but I saw an opportunity to share. I hope you don't mind me sharing. I hope this insight was useful to anyone reading. It's not directed towards anyone, I just saw the opportunity to share a little. I hope no one minds. I went to school for this stuff, so I apologize if I get carried away in the whole child development field sometimes!

Another scenario - Pinkie Pie the Pony turned off the computer (okay, really your child did)
"Pinkie pie turned the computer off? Next time, tell her she better not do that or she will ruin the computer privileges for everyone. Can you help me by making sure no one touches the computer from now on besides mommy or daddy?"

or

That would be really silly if your PONY did that! You'd better teach her the rules!"

or

"You're responsible for whatever pinky pie does while she's here."

or just simply:

"I see the computer got turned off"


_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

As for throwing things, what I usually do is remind them before they throw the toy what will happen "If you throw that toy, that will show me you don't care about the toy, so I will put it away" and if they throw it (which is sometimes before I get the first sentence out) "Throwing the toy shows me you don't care enough about it to take care of it. I will put it away for a little while, perhaps you will be ready to take better care of it later." or "If you were done playing with it we could have put it away!" unless the toy is being thrown out of anger or frustration, then it's a whole new ball game. You have emotions to address, not how to properly care for our things. In this case, you would do a time in with the child, and when they were calm talk to them about what they can do next time instead of throwing a toy.

Last edited by Sophia1Day; April 7th, 2009 at 01:17 PM.
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  #9  
April 7th, 2009, 01:28 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't have any advice as I haven't had to deal with this yet. It does sound like all normal behaviors though. Jonah is a bit of a "thrower" though & we have "throwing things" in our house for him (mostly bean bags & a bucket or he has a target that hangs low on a wall to throw at as well) so that he has appropriate things to throw indoors if he wants to & appropriate ways to throw indoors. If that isn't working we try to make him able to go outside & throw pretty much at will. That isn't always possible either logistically or weather-wise, etc...but usually it can be accommodated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kimber View Post
I read an awesome quote in Naomi Aldorts book .Raising our children Raising ourselves. That was basically this..our kids do not need to have us be consistent just to know that our LOVE for them is omnipresent....I'm definitely not quoting it correctly...Its an AWESOME and very very easy read and has tons of AWESOME sibling info in it.
I keep hearing how great that book is...I need to just get off my duff & get a copy!
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #10  
April 7th, 2009, 02:03 PM
mamatomaica's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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how about using that throwing energy elsewhere? get DH to take her out and practise throwing a ball with her, then remind her that throwing is an outdoor game.
Also get some soft toys... my mum knitted my nephews some soft toy vegetables to throw about also!
xx
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  #11  
April 7th, 2009, 02:10 PM
Sophia1Day
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Originally Posted by kimber View Post
Jackie, I'm so glad to see you posting here again!! I missed quite a bit by having a computer melt down and lack of time for the computer. I'm really looking forward to hearing more and more stories about life with 2 from you!! I trust that little Nola is just as adorable as her big sis?

I love Sophia1days input on the tantrums and hitting. Avery and Kailey are so close in age and really seem like similar temperment kids. I'm really working on keeping my own peace and focus on her as much as humanly possible and the pay off is extraordinary. It is so true that they often are just crying for connection in whatever way they can. I read an awesome quote in Naomi Aldorts book .Raising our children Raising ourselves. That was basically this..our kids do not need to have us be consistent just to know that our LOVE for them is omnipresent....I'm definitely not quoting it correctly...Its an AWESOME and very very easy read and has tons of AWESOME sibling info in it.
I look forward to hearing more!!!!
Super glad you're posting here!!!!!!!


oh p.s What day did you give birth? I think you may remember my sis was preggo with you. Her due date was March 5th.....the babies birthday is March 25th..She weighed almost 10 pounds!! I get to meet her next week!!
I am about half way through that book, I think it has challenged my thinking more then any other book I have read, and I was pretty much along that line of thinking before having read it. I love to be challenged though, but I don't recommend this book to "mainstream" AP parents. If they can make it through Unconditional Parenting, I would say that Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves is a great next step if you want your thinking challenged. It's so wonderful to see you here, someone who is like minded and hearted!
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  #12  
April 7th, 2009, 02:13 PM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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Glad to hear you like your Dr so much. Having a good doc can make life much less stressful!

I think Kailey is just reacting in a normal way. Part of it is her age and testing limits and part of it is reacting to suddenly not being the only child. I'd just try to set aside some Kailey time as often as you can. Maybe when Nola is napping you can cuddle up and read a book or do something special with Kailey.

That's great that DH has been a big help with her! After reading your birth story I can't believe you'd want another homebirth! Your story made me hurt! LOL!

That's a shame that you had to go back to work so soon but I hope it works out well for you!

Glad to hear you like your Dr so much. Having a good doc can make life much less stressful!

I think Kailey is just reacting in a normal way. Part of it is her age and testing limits and part of it is reacting to suddenly not being the only child. I'd just try to set aside some Kailey time as often as you can. Maybe when Nola is napping you can cuddle up and read a book or do something special with Kailey.

That's great that DH has been a big help with her! After reading your birth story I can't believe you'd want another homebirth! Your story made me hurt! LOL!

That's a shame that you had to go back to work so soon but I hope it works out well for you!
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