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  #1  
April 7th, 2009, 07:55 PM
KatiesGirls
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Where is the line between sharing facts and opinions on the beliefs of the AP lifestyle, and it becoming personal?

I have noticed many times I have talked either online or IRL with other mothers concerning things like bedsharing/co-sleeping/cio/breastfeeding that there seems to always be a bias for traditional parenting.

A 'traditional parent' can suggest cio to me or stopping with our co-sleeping, and I can just say my beliefs on why I don't do it and move on in the conversation. On the other hand if the roles are reversed the conversation just stops as soon as I give some gentle parenting advice.

Here is the line you get in AP in my opinion

.................................................. ....................l..........................

And this is the line you get talking to people using traditional parenting

.........l........................................ ................................................

Am I the only one?
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  #2  
April 7th, 2009, 09:16 PM
Michigan Momma's Avatar Just Chillin'
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I've found that some Traditional parents can be pushing about their parenting style to be honest. I know a couple days ago I had one of them chat my ear off about her parenting style but when I said one word about AP I was cut off and told that I shouldn't butt into her business when in fact all I was trying to do was to make conversation. People can be like that sometimes but not all the time. I have ran in to a few that were interested in what I had to say but also shared their own opinions which, I felt was completely reasonable. So nope. You're not the only one.
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  #3  
April 7th, 2009, 09:46 PM
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I'm lucky that my 3 friends I met in my mommy group that Lily and I hang out with all the time are pretty much AP. Most of my family though skews TP and I just ignore most of what they have to say.
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  #4  
April 7th, 2009, 09:53 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well I tend to agree overall - because people would think I was nuts to suggest to them that they should cosleep.....LOL. Overall though I generally only speak of what we do & how happy I am with how it works for us...and sometimes people are okay with it & sometimes they like to tell me all the problems this will cause. I figure that given enough time they will see that it isn't what they think it is & when Jonah is grown they will see that my parenting style hasn't created a breastfeeding, cosleeping teenager...
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If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
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Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
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  #5  
April 8th, 2009, 03:19 AM
mamatomaica's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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i feel the same.. people just don't want to hear about gentle ways of doing if they're doing it the crying/spanking way.
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  #6  
April 8th, 2009, 04:29 AM
~Jackie
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TP is so common that when they hear what we do it's seen as preaching. I tend to keep to myself and only open up if it's someone who is genuinely interested. When pg with my friend at work she little by little started coming to the dark side LOL!!! Now I've got her obsessing over Dr. Sears! LOL
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  #7  
April 10th, 2009, 01:53 PM
broxi3781's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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All depends on who is drawing the line Unfortuantely with alot of TP, the same I am always right routine they use with their children gets carried over to us, LOL.
More seriously though, I think people get so incredibly defensive of CIO or controlled crying etc.. because at least a part of them does feel guilty for doing it.
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  #8  
April 10th, 2009, 03:51 PM
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I agree there is much more 'acceptance' of traditional parenting. Which I think is ridiculous. You have one side of the line that is "Oh I read it all in a book, so it's the right way". Then you have the "I followed my childs cue and did what felt right" and you're looked at like you have horns coming out of your head or something.
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  #9  
April 10th, 2009, 04:10 PM
KatiesGirls
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LOL

Yes!
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  #10  
April 10th, 2009, 06:46 PM
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I look at it this way. Traditional parenting would really be better labeled "mainstream" parenting IMO. It's what most people do, and it's what most people learned from THEIR parents. Whenever you do something different than the "mainstream" people want to know why. In the case of AP, we do what we do because we feel that it is a better approach. This puts people who parent in a mainstream way on the defensive because to them, it is like you are saying that they are bad parents. At least this is MY experience when trying to have a conversation with anyone who parents in a traditional way.

When one TP gives another TP advice on parenting, it's like one of us giving advice on gentle discipline to another - it is not accepted as criticism but as help - you're on the right track, but have you tried this? When an AP parent tries to give a TP parent advice on parenting it is taken as criticism because we believe that our way is a better way to parent. There is no other way to put it - that's why we do it the way we do it. People don't want to hear that someone else believes they do things better than you do. They just don't. That's why the line is drawn where it is.
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  #11  
April 10th, 2009, 11:58 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2six View Post
I agree there is much more 'acceptance' of traditional parenting. Which I think is ridiculous. You have one side of the line that is "Oh I read it all in a book, so it's the right way". Then you have the "I followed my childs cue and did what felt right" and you're looked at like you have horns coming out of your head or something.
I DO have horns...I thought everyone did.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #12  
April 11th, 2009, 06:53 AM
(.Y.)mom2dd(.Y.)
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I have horns too.. you guys have tails as well, right?
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  #13  
April 11th, 2009, 07:06 AM
broxi3781's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Of course if you want to go back a bit further, when I was young beating your child with a belt was acceptable social behaviour and I can remember a couple of times seeing it in public.
Dh was beaten brutally in school, by the teacher, as were all the boys until they reached an age where the teachers had reason to be bit wary of them. I believe the one teacher mellowed a bit when one of the boys mentioned knowing where he lived and advised him to start looking under his car in the morning
If you were publically stating spanking or beating children was wrong then people would look at you as not quite right. Thankfully child rearing techniques have progressed some. I can only hope in another generation or two controlled crying, CIO etc will be just as socially unacceptable as public beatings are now.
As to horns, most certainly not, cant you all see my halo from there?
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  #14  
April 11th, 2009, 09:04 AM
KatiesGirls
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Quote:
Originally Posted by (.Y.)mom2dd(.Y.) View Post
I have horns too.. you guys have tails as well, right?
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  #15  
April 11th, 2009, 11:27 AM
soImarriedAnerd's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well since I haven't had the baby yet I just have fangs (I can still hide what I think) LOL

The horns must come with childbirth! LOL
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  #16  
April 11th, 2009, 10:03 PM
BoobyDutyAgainJen's Avatar Proud Mom & Birth Mom
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Totally and completely true! I have found a mom at the daycare I work at that when I mentioned us cosleeping has since then latched on to me for alllll sorts of parenting advice. She is totally AP and doesn't even know it lol.
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  #17  
April 12th, 2009, 11:21 AM
(.Y.)mom2dd(.Y.)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soImarriedAnerd View Post
Well since I haven't had the baby yet I just have fangs (I can still hide what I think) LOL

The horns must come with childbirth! LOL
YOu have no idea what just crossed my mind about what also pops out once you have a baby in the tail area.. but you might be way more lucky than I!
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  #18  
April 12th, 2009, 04:49 PM
Beaker's Avatar My boys are adorable
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I just avoid the topic if I think I will disagree with the other parent. My brother and I have opposite parenting styles so we never discuss it.
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  #19  
April 12th, 2009, 10:06 PM
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I believe that when people don't understand or aren't educated in a topic then they have the tendency to put it down or dismiss it. This also holds true when they find something uncomfortable. Rather than just deal with a few moments of being uncomfortable they'd rather say or do something to make themselves feel better at the cost of hurting the other person. So, unfortunately, we AP'ers bare the brunt of this.
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  #20  
April 12th, 2009, 10:27 PM
Effervescence's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I honestly avoid talking to other mommies because of this

I don't think that is healthy, and I really yearn for an IRL relationship with another mother. We go to library, and I try to talk to the other mothers there, but it always ends up making me feel bad, or retreating a little more. They always want to compare parenting styles, and sometimes I feel like I'm on the chop block. Last week one of the (nicer) mothers was asking what our babies eat. She really just wanted to know because she was confused about what she should be feeding her baby. I didn't mean to be "holier than though" but I got the feeling that I was looked at that way when I said I made Jonah's food, and all the reasons why. The mom was really asking me, but the other mothers seemed put off. I also mentioned that I was upset that he had stopped nursing full time, and one of them said "Well it had to happen sometime; what were you expecting to do it forever?" Okay, our kids are EIGHT MONTHS old It just really makes me feel badly that I can't discuss my parenting with them. Not that I want to preach, I just want to talk ya know?

The only place IRL that I felt I could talk about my parenting was the LLL. I still go to meetings, but now I feel a little left out of that group too because I formula feed almost full time. I just wish that other mommies could be open about all aspects of my parenting choices, and that I could talk about them like a normal person. I was even accused of trying to prove that I'm a better mommy for reading a book out in public. Yeah, like I pretend to read books just so that other people think that I'm a better mommy.... wow

I honestly avoid talking to other mommies because of this

I don't think that is healthy, and I really yearn for an IRL relationship with another mother. We go to library, and I try to talk to the other mothers there, but it always ends up making me feel bad, or retreating a little more. They always want to compare parenting styles, and sometimes I feel like I'm on the chop block. Last week one of the (nicer) mothers was asking what our babies eat. She really just wanted to know because she was confused about what she should be feeding her baby. I didn't mean to be "holier than though" but I got the feeling that I was looked at that way when I said I made Jonah's food, and all the reasons why. The mom was really asking me, but the other mothers seemed put off. I also mentioned that I was upset that he had stopped nursing full time, and one of them said "Well it had to happen sometime; what were you expecting to do it forever?" Okay, our kids are EIGHT MONTHS old It just really makes me feel badly that I can't discuss my parenting with them. Not that I want to preach, I just want to talk ya know?

The only place IRL that I felt I could talk about my parenting was the LLL. I still go to meetings, but now I feel a little left out of that group too because I formula feed almost full time. I just wish that other mommies could be open about all aspects of my parenting choices, and that I could talk about them like a normal person. I was even accused of trying to prove that I'm a better mommy for reading a book out in public. Yeah, like I pretend to read books just so that other people think that I'm a better mommy.... wow
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