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Negative discipline from others


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  #1  
April 12th, 2009, 04:49 PM
HS&Fsmom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I ran into a situation today and was VERY annoyed. My MIL spent all weekend yelling "NO!!" at my not quite 1-year-old child. She has a house full of breakables/knickknacks all at his reach and level. Instead of redirecting him when they (naturally) caught his attention, she hollered at him constantly. I said, "Please take him away from the things if you don't want him to touch them." She said, "NO, this is how children learn" and continued to yell at him.

I realize there are a couple of schools of thought on what to do with breakables/childproofing, and that really isn't the issue here. I was just royally upset that MIL continued to yell at my son the entire weekend. I was about to LOSE IT after having to go and intervene every time. How do you all handle it when someone else (family) sees fit to discipline your child and you don't approve? I'm feeling like I won't have the choice but to be there constantly to intervene in the way I feel appropriate- and I definitely cannot see myself leaving him with her for babysitting. God forbid, she might pop him or something, and I would seriously take him and walk out the door that instant!!!
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  #2  
April 12th, 2009, 05:43 PM
(.Y.)mom2dd(.Y.)
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Sounds like your mom wasn't very respectful to you or your son. I'm so sorry you had to spend your Easter like that.



I don't think I could leave my dd in a situation like that either. I hope you can talk to her.
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  #3  
April 12th, 2009, 10:09 PM
Effervescence's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I know your situation. Here is an example of my MIL disciplining my child:

I am introducing my eight month old to the sippy cup right now. Of course I don't expect him to "get it" right away, but I just want him to be familiar with it, and used to it being something he has during meal time. I don't care if he doesn't drink much from it, and I always offer him the breast and/or a bottle after he is finished at the table. I *want* him to play with it and tip it upside down and smush the sipper with his fingers. I want him to figure it out.

So anyway, my MIL always parks herself right next to the high chair and insists on "helping" me feed Jonah. She doesn't tolerate any of his playing around with the sippy, and she just keeps telling me over and over how he isn't getting any milk, he's spilling it everywhere (not really...) etc. She either takes the cup away from him (and then I give it back to him, and then she takes it away again...) or she holds it for him so that he isn't really learning the difference between the cup and a bottle. If he throws anything off of his tray, like a toy or some puffs, she takes it all off. It's really frustrating, because I know that is how infants learn about the world around them, and she's punishing him.

I'm sorry that was long, but I had to tell so that I can tell you how I put up with it. I don't let her sit next to Jonah anymore. I moved his high chair so that he is between me and Daryl, and I let her know that the reason was because I feel that it is mine and Daryl's responsibility (not hers) to feed Jonah and help him learn about meal time. She is much better now on the odd occasion that she does sit next to Jonah.

There are several occasions when my MIL has tried to parent my child, and I have to tell her point blank that it is not the way I want my child to be raised, or I'll make a change and tell her that she is the reason for it. I live with my MIL, though, so it is a bit different. But I really do hope that you are able to talk to your MIL about it. It is really tough to constantly have to intervene when that is happening. It is like you have to keep a double eye on your child to make sure he doesn't make a move for the objects, to avoid the situation, but you also have to keep an eye on your MIL to make sure she isn't about to yell.

I know your situation. Here is an example of my MIL disciplining my child:

I am introducing my eight month old to the sippy cup right now. Of course I don't expect him to "get it" right away, but I just want him to be familiar with it, and used to it being something he has during meal time. I don't care if he doesn't drink much from it, and I always offer him the breast and/or a bottle after he is finished at the table. I *want* him to play with it and tip it upside down and smush the sipper with his fingers. I want him to figure it out.

So anyway, my MIL always parks herself right next to the high chair and insists on "helping" me feed Jonah. She doesn't tolerate any of his playing around with the sippy, and she just keeps telling me over and over how he isn't getting any milk, he's spilling it everywhere (not really...) etc. She either takes the cup away from him (and then I give it back to him, and then she takes it away again...) or she holds it for him so that he isn't really learning the difference between the cup and a bottle. If he throws anything off of his tray, like a toy or some puffs, she takes it all off. It's really frustrating, because I know that is how infants learn about the world around them, and she's punishing him.

I'm sorry that was long, but I had to tell so that I can tell you how I put up with it. I don't let her sit next to Jonah anymore. I moved his high chair so that he is between me and Daryl, and I let her know that the reason was because I feel that it is mine and Daryl's responsibility (not hers) to feed Jonah and help him learn about meal time. She is much better now on the odd occasion that she does sit next to Jonah.

There are several occasions when my MIL has tried to parent my child, and I have to tell her point blank that it is not the way I want my child to be raised, or I'll make a change and tell her that she is the reason for it. I live with my MIL, though, so it is a bit different. But I really do hope that you are able to talk to your MIL about it. It is really tough to constantly have to intervene when that is happening. It is like you have to keep a double eye on your child to make sure he doesn't make a move for the objects, to avoid the situation, but you also have to keep an eye on your MIL to make sure she isn't about to yell.
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  #4  
April 12th, 2009, 10:29 PM
Nekinna2402's Avatar Anniken <3 Tanja
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I'm sorry she's doing that.

I live with my father and deal with this on a daily basis (someone shoot me? today was awful!)
Constantly he tries to "smack" her fingers, yell/scream, get rough, take things away from her, etc
Having someone watch over you/your kid and always try to butt in can be very hurtful when they won't listen to your parenting wishes
I would try to sit down and explain to her that you don't want her yelling
tell her that yelling only teaches him to yell. she pops him, she teaches him its ok to hit, you see where this is going.
I really wish i had any advice but I don't at least you don't have to deal with this on a daily basis and it's only for Easter
If she is like my family (yes.. whole family) even sitting down, talking and explaining it won't help you any
every person have different way to parent, they think you do it wrong, we think they do it wrong
its a never ending circle it seems....

Sorry this is so long and probably confusing, like I said I've had a bad day with my father yelling and everything on Tanja.
then when I won't "discipline" her (yell/pop her hands) he gets mad at me for it
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  #5  
April 12th, 2009, 10:59 PM
MommaNator's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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^ I don't live with my parents but they sound very similar to yours. I visited my mother this past week and in addition to criticizing my discipline choices in front of my daughter, and yelling at me... my mother actually directly threatened DD with, "I'm going to paddle you!" Oooh I am still so mad, I'm about to blow a fuse!!!

I hope your MIL is receptive to direct discussion about respecting your parenting choices. Some parents refuse to listen but I hope your MIL does.
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  #6  
April 12th, 2009, 11:16 PM
Nekinna2402's Avatar Anniken <3 Tanja
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Quote:
my mother actually directly threatened DD with, "I'm going to paddle you!" Oooh I am still so mad, I'm about to blow a fuse!!!
Thats Horrid!
I'd loose it
my dad likes to threaten if we're out that if she don't stop whatever shes doing (whining, throwing fit..) that she will need to go and sit in the carseat until we are done

Nope.. don't think so.
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  #7  
April 13th, 2009, 12:01 AM
KatiesGirls
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Parents the hardest

The way I see it is they had their chance, and their only role now is to be the grandparents and that usually doesn't consist of being the disciplinarian. Their only function in the world for your babies is to love on them. I have had a few run-ins with my mom, who likes to take the reigns in her home (rightfully so, but when you're working with small children consistency is crucial!)

My problem is when she tries undermining me in front of Julie. For example we were over there tonight and Julie threw all of her little farm toys on the floor and I told her No, we don't throw toys, and my mom cut me off and said it was her house and Julie could do what she wanted which completely confused Julie. Did I mind the toys were on the floor? No, not really, Lord knows her toys get everywhere here too. I wish my mom would just let me parent

Last edited by KatiesGirls; April 13th, 2009 at 12:05 AM.
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  #8  
April 13th, 2009, 08:26 AM
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Hugosmom -Maybe your husband could have a talk with her? Perhaps mention that you dont feel comfortable staying over because its too difficult to keep a crawling baby from touching things? Even when we didnt have a children I would simply lift all breakables and anything I thought dangerous, when we had company with young children coming over, babies are meant to be little explorers
Jess - You should see Ian with a sippy cup. I dont think he is ever getting it, he actually drinks more from an ordinary cup, but we consider the sippy cup "artisitic expression".
Just curious, is your dh the baby of the family? maybe MIL is having a hard time that all of hers have grown up and trying to take over a bit with Jonah?
For those of you who live with parents, I dont know how you manage, its always hard.
We had our holiday disaster too, LOL. Billy was acting up at MIL's and did quite embarass me, but MIL keeps making spanking comments and I feel really under pressure, which makes Billy go more hyper... ugh. I do really like MIL, and i feel that I have to be more careful as she and dh were not close for many years, in large part because his first wife hated her, and he hadnt the bottle to stand up to his first wife on anything. Its taken years for them to start building a relationship again, and i definately do not want to be the cause of any strain.
Also I always keep in my mind that I will be the MIL someday. I hope my boys will see that I always treat their grandma with the respect she is due, and will assume I should be treated the same in time.
At any rate - holidays - thank god they over - LOL
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  #9  
April 13th, 2009, 11:34 AM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It is really hard!

We've lived with my in laws since the month before I had Lochlann and they haven't baby proofed at all! If I move something out of the way my mil moves it back. If they get into her books she gets annoyed at them. If something breaks it's automatically one of the boys' fault even if the dang thing has been broken forever!

Our biggest problem though is that they are too soft. I understand that they are the grandparents but its different when because we live with them. They cannot get everything they want anytime they want it. My mil especially will undermine us in front of the boys (my dh especially) and they constantly make excuses for when their behavior is less than stellar. We like to keep them in the living room/dining room because thats where we have gates set up and all their toys are and where the least amount of breakable/rippable stuff is. She constantly lets them out of the gate and then doesn't watch them and then gets mad when they get into stuff. As a result we can't leave my in laws to babysit the boys unless its an absolute last resort. Usually if thats the case we do what we have to do either during their nap time or after they go to bed for the night. My parents are/were traditional in their parenting but they respect that we don't do things that way and make sure to keep up the kind of treatment/discipline that we do at home. My Mom did mention once about CIO (letting Lochy cry for half an hour til he fell asleep--she didn't do it though) and I explained that we don't do that and she hasn't said anything about it since. She was a big pusher of it when Liam was little and I tried with him but it broke my heart.

It's completely frustrating and I'm glad its not an everyday situation for you. I would stay close by as well since it seems she can't be trusted with your little one.
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  #10  
April 13th, 2009, 03:47 PM
HS&Fsmom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Wow, I really feel for you guys who live with family who doesn't agree with your parenting. It helps me in a way to know my frustrations are not everyday and that other people are going through the same things.

I don't want to have a negative attitude towards my MIL and I've always struggled with my relationship with her anyway. To have conflict over my son just tears me up. It's hard for me not to want to take Hugo aside and tell her that his grandma is a crazy nut and he doesn't have to listen to her. I have got to remember that however she is, she is still his grandmother and an adult that he should (try to) respect. It's very hard when I don't have a lot of respect for her myself... I try hard, but when she wants to yell at our son I just can't accept that. Unfortunately, she is not an understanding person and she's going to go ahead and do things her way regardless of what I say. We've always had some kind of drama with her.

I guess all I can do is be a broken record and continue to tell her that we don't yell at our son or whatever else she wants to do that we don't accept. And you are right, I will unfortunately have to keep a double eye on them together, which is hard when trying to entertain (like I will be this weekend) and will get harder when I have baby #2. Hopefully by then she will get it that I mean what I say.
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  #11  
April 14th, 2009, 06:19 AM
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sending love to all of you with difficult families...
i once saw MIL try to swat maica's hand and i put my hand in front and said 'no' she got the picture even if she doesn't speak english and hasn't tried since.
xx
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