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  #1  
April 14th, 2009, 06:18 PM
~Nik*Re~'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 4,954
Since I am really struggling with the discipline aspect of AP, what do you all do? I'm a yeller and I've really been trying not to. My 9 almost 10 year old seems to be getting worse by the day and I don't know what to do anymore. She was such a sweet little girl until she started hanging out with this one really nasty girl. I can stop her at home from hanging out with her but school is another story. Her attitude is starting to rub off on my 7 and 4 year olds too. I have some books on reserve at the library, but until then I'm almost at my wits end with her. I'm totally lost, I need help.
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  #2  
April 14th, 2009, 08:45 PM
KatiesGirls
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I'm sorry I'm not there yet so I don't have any advice. I hope someone can help you!
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  #3  
April 15th, 2009, 05:50 AM
broxi3781's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: belfast, northern ireland
Posts: 1,563
I dont kow how much help I can be, but here are a couple of ideas:
I have always told any children I dealt with they can argue anything with me, but it has to be polite and well thought out, and a limited amount of time, I would say 5 minutes to state their case, and another 3 for rebuttal. My youth group would go away and plot and plan and come with a brilliant solution to my issues and almost always got their own way through this, although they thought of limitations themselves which made it acceptable ( basically kept everyone safe).
I would offer her, if you feel a situation is unfair you have 5 minutes to explain why, or if you prefer you can put it in writing. But your case must be stated politely, think of it as a solictor in court. Then you listen to my points , you can offer a rebuttal immediatly or go away to think about it, I will try to respect your wishes as much as I feel safe and appropriate for you and our family, but the final decision is mine and after that the case is closed for at least 2 weeks, so I dont want to hear anymore about it.
Second on the nasty friend, we all get a few of those, but sometimes keeping them apart just intensifies the situation. I would actually prefer they associate at my house where I have a clue what they are up to. You might try a talk with your daughter on this, and exactly what you object to about the friend. Same ruls of debate she can then come up with ways to avoid problems associated with the friend and still be freinds - for instance if she gets rude when friend comes over, then it is her responsibility to control her own behaviour or not be allowed to go out or have freind over for a set period of time. If the worry is drugs or other behaviour, its hard, but you can not keep your child away from these things, you just have to try to keep communication lines open and hope you can steer them away from doing it themselves. I also tried to make my house the fun place for all the teens to hang out, in fact some people thought it was a youth centre, not a residence, LOL. Of course there are times when you know an influence is so bad you feel you must step in, but its nearly impossible to actually keep them apart. Sometimes too, the kids labeled as the worst can be real gems with a bit of time. If at all possible to include this probl;em girl into your life, being included instead of excluded can make a real difference for some. If you help this child to be a better person, it may help your child too. It at least shows your child compassion and care and that you are making an effort for her sake.
Finally if you can find a common interest, something you both enjoy and can do together, its a great way to keep communication lines going, and can smooth over some of the rough bits.
BTW - None of this worked in my own case, we had alot of problems with my dd, very serious ones, but she did have other issues and I honestly believe a personality disorder common in her family. She is very succesful now, plenty of money etc... but still completley unable to understand what a moral issue is, why anyone should care for someone who can give them anything etc... She has flat out asked me why I bother to take care of babies as they cant remeber anything anyway, no reason to waste your time on them beyond basic feeding and changing at this age. I just feel like she is missing so much in life to not ever know what it really is to love someone. Thankfully she never wants children at least. I feel very sad about this, but I am glad i stood my ground on some things, she is polite and well mannered when she visits, and she will have a future, i expect a very good one finacially anyway. She has made some horrid mistakes, and hated me at the time for not going along with them, but at least I was there to pick up the pieces later.
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  #4  
April 15th, 2009, 07:08 AM
Alissa&Isabelle'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I hope your situation with your daughter gets better! No advice. All I know is to redirect my toddler!
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  #5  
April 15th, 2009, 07:33 AM
~Nik*Re~'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 4,954
Quote:
Originally Posted by broxi3781 View Post
I dont kow how much help I can be, but here are a couple of ideas:
I have always told any children I dealt with they can argue anything with me, but it has to be polite and well thought out, and a limited amount of time, I would say 5 minutes to state their case, and another 3 for rebuttal. My youth group would go away and plot and plan and come with a brilliant solution to my issues and almost always got their own way through this, although they thought of limitations themselves which made it acceptable ( basically kept everyone safe).
I would offer her, if you feel a situation is unfair you have 5 minutes to explain why, or if you prefer you can put it in writing. But your case must be stated politely, think of it as a solictor in court. Then you listen to my points , you can offer a rebuttal immediatly or go away to think about it, I will try to respect your wishes as much as I feel safe and appropriate for you and our family, but the final decision is mine and after that the case is closed for at least 2 weeks, so I dont want to hear anymore about it.
Second on the nasty friend, we all get a few of those, but sometimes keeping them apart just intensifies the situation. I would actually prefer they associate at my house where I have a clue what they are up to. You might try a talk with your daughter on this, and exactly what you object to about the friend. Same ruls of debate she can then come up with ways to avoid problems associated with the friend and still be freinds - for instance if she gets rude when friend comes over, then it is her responsibility to control her own behaviour or not be allowed to go out or have freind over for a set period of time. If the worry is drugs or other behaviour, its hard, but you can not keep your child away from these things, you just have to try to keep communication lines open and hope you can steer them away from doing it themselves. I also tried to make my house the fun place for all the teens to hang out, in fact some people thought it was a youth centre, not a residence, LOL. Of course there are times when you know an influence is so bad you feel you must step in, but its nearly impossible to actually keep them apart. Sometimes too, the kids labeled as the worst can be real gems with a bit of time. If at all possible to include this probl;em girl into your life, being included instead of excluded can make a real difference for some. If you help this child to be a better person, it may help your child too. It at least shows your child compassion and care and that you are making an effort for her sake.
Finally if you can find a common interest, something you both enjoy and can do together, its a great way to keep communication lines going, and can smooth over some of the rough bits.
BTW - None of this worked in my own case, we had alot of problems with my dd, very serious ones, but she did have other issues and I honestly believe a personality disorder common in her family. She is very succesful now, plenty of money etc... but still completley unable to understand what a moral issue is, why anyone should care for someone who can give them anything etc... She has flat out asked me why I bother to take care of babies as they cant remeber anything anyway, no reason to waste your time on them beyond basic feeding and changing at this age. I just feel like she is missing so much in life to not ever know what it really is to love someone. Thankfully she never wants children at least. I feel very sad about this, but I am glad i stood my ground on some things, she is polite and well mannered when she visits, and she will have a future, i expect a very good one finacially anyway. She has made some horrid mistakes, and hated me at the time for not going along with them, but at least I was there to pick up the pieces later.
Thank You!
For the record, I really have tried to like this girl. I do let her come over here. I let all my kids' friend over here. I'd rather my kids be at home where I know what they are doing. I like to be the cool parent. (but with restrictions of course) I know she doesn't get what she needs at her own home and I really feel sorry for her. But I really don't like that her attitude is seriously rubbing off on my daughter. One incident...they were in Haylee's room listening to some music. DH went up to tell them to turn it down a little bit and when she thought he was looking she mouthed "F*(k You" to him. She screams, yells, and throws fits when we tell her to do the simplest things like taking a shower. It's just getting awful.
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  #6  
April 15th, 2009, 08:01 AM
Sophia1Day
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Posts: n/a
Can you think of ways to inspire your daughter to rub off on her, instead of the other way around? I raise my children to appreciate their wonderful qualities and want to share them with others, and this seems to work best for us. They will either guide/lead others, or learn to be around them without being like them, or choose to be around other people. It may take time to nourish that in your daughter further to where it needs to be, but you can do that. If you want tips on how to do that I am more then happy to share, but it wouldn't be an overnight solution, and I don't know how quickly you feel you need results or if you are more concerned with the long term? Also, if you do decide to allow this girl into your home again, there are things YOU can do to encourage her towards a better path. Sounds like the "nasty girl" could really use that guidance, and isn't already getting it.
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  #7  
April 15th, 2009, 12:36 PM
~Nik*Re~'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 4,954
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophia1Day View Post
Can you think of ways to inspire your daughter to rub off on her, instead of the other way around? I raise my children to appreciate their wonderful qualities and want to share them with others, and this seems to work best for us. They will either guide/lead others, or learn to be around them without being like them, or choose to be around other people. It may take time to nourish that in your daughter further to where it needs to be, but you can do that. If you want tips on how to do that I am more then happy to share, but it wouldn't be an overnight solution, and I don't know how quickly you feel you need results or if you are more concerned with the long term? Also, if you do decide to allow this girl into your home again, there are things YOU can do to encourage her towards a better path. Sounds like the "nasty girl" could really use that guidance, and isn't already getting it.
I am willing to try anything before the situation gets too out of control to handle. I'm not expecting an overnight change at all. It is more of a long term thing I'm worried about. Of course I would LOVE to change her attitude NOW, but I'm scared for when she starts to get into middle school and all that. I would like to start now on gentle ways to encourage her. So again, yes I would like to hear anything you have to offer.
I also want it to be known that I am not in any way blaming all of this on the other little girl. It's not a secret that I don't want Haylee hanging around with her but I know it's not all her.
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