Log In Sign Up

What do you think?


Forum: Attachment Parenting

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Attachment Parenting LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
April 23rd, 2009, 10:57 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Michigan
Posts: 26,271
So I do a lot of random thinking during the day

Do you think many parents are no longer in tune with thier children?

I feel like so many parents have completely forgotten about trusting thier instincts. Instead, they follow the guidlines of a book or a doctor, looking at ages and numbers instead of just getting in tune with thier child and following thier lead of what they need. Doesn't that make more sense than "I need to do this at a certain point" or "My child should be doing this by now"? Despite that, those same parents will say "Every child is different" and yet they are not showing that in how they are raising them.
__________________
Andrea, mom to 3 beautiful girls - Abigail (8) Annabelle (5) and Alexis (3)

Expecting baby #4!



Reply With Quote
  #2  
April 23rd, 2009, 12:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,757
You know I have to confess I use to be that way when Emma was born. It took me about two months to get out of it. Now I just go with the flow. The other day I started to compare her w/other LOs her age and DH reminded me that I shouldn't be doing that. I'm glad that he is supportive.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
April 23rd, 2009, 04:47 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
I do think people seem really out of touch at times. I can't tell you how many children I have seen disciplined for acting out when it was really clear to me even as a stranger that the child was just tired, hungry, overstimulated...etc. It wasn't that their behavior was even bad...simply that they were really upset & couldn't pull themselves together...as if punishing a child in that states helps them calm down????? I also see this a lot in older children - where parents have really tuned out & figure that as long as their grades are good & no one is giving them any trouble (meaning calls from the teacher, etc) that their kid isn't finding any trouble to get into....and I have known kids like that who were doing some things that really weren't safe or healthy, but the parents thought there was no reason to ask questions or be involved...
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




Reply With Quote
  #4  
April 23rd, 2009, 10:53 PM
Owl's Avatar
Owl Owl is offline
Choose joy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 5,109
I never thought of it that way, but you have a good point. I haven't cracked a parenting book in I don't know how long (unless I'm looking for an answer to a specific question, then I think, "I wonder what Dr. Sears or Elizabeth Pantley think about this"....and then make my own decision ) I don't know what Kate "should be doing", on a monthly basis but I know she's on track for who she is. I give her what she needs by watching her and tuning into her, so yes, good point. In defense of others, though, I think part of it is nerves when you're a first time mom. When Will was a baby I was worried about ages/stages, but once I started trusting MY instincts I realized it's so much more rewarding when you calm down and appreciate your child for who they are!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5  
April 24th, 2009, 02:33 AM
mamatomaica's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: west sussex, england
Posts: 5,686
Send a message via MSN to mamatomaica
absotely. its all too easy to get sucked into what the drs/friends/family/books say about things as i have learnt this week!
I attempted to get Maica into a nap routine via the no cry sleep method and in it i found her distressed, me stressed, just by trying to get her to sleep(not by cry it out!!!) . I suddenly realised that this is NOT what is good for her no matter what the books say about kids needing routines, she just doesn't like routines because if shes not ready to sleep... she won't sleep! i'm now just going by her sleep cues on when she wants to sleep and not that some book says she should be going to bed by 7. it didn't work for us!
had i just followed my instincts and just let her be then we wouldn't have had to go through that.
I am aware of AP and i can fall into it... people who are not aware of AP are more succeptible to it because its everywhere.. all parenting mags have it in except for a few alternative ones, its in alot of books, and everyone nowadays has a preexpectation about how kids should be brought up (like the inlaws were so anti me using a sling!) people conform to what other people want instead of whats best for the baby!
xx
__________________



Beautiful Siggy by Claire!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
April 24th, 2009, 06:26 AM
mommabirdof4
Guest
Posts: n/a
I think so. I see it in my brother's family a lot and it really is hard to see. My DH gets very hurt everytime by seeing it. My nephew gets is trouble for doing very age approite(sp) behavior. He isn't being bad or getting into trouble he is just exploring or what ever it happens to be. Also my Brother and SIL yell...and that hurts!!

A lot of parents look to books/doctors/family for advice because honestly it is easier or that is what I think. It is easy to follow a step by step plan...it is a lot harder to follow your Gut!!

I was at my OBs office a week ago taking my 3 hour glucose test and also having to take a few NST(pre-term labor issues) so I was there all day basicly. The dr's were busy so people were having to wait a very long time for appointments. I saw a young mom who in 45 minutes never took her little boy out of his baby bucket. Even while the poor child cried...she would just rock him. It took every once of self control to not go over and pick that child up. I come home very upset by this...and told my DH. And he was also upset by it. But then we talked about how in so many books and things they say don't pick your child up so much or you will spoil it.

I have had well meaning family/friends tell me that I will spoil my son...I just tell them you can't spoil a child...and if you could then he would sleep in the Fridge.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
April 24th, 2009, 06:35 AM
(.Y.)mom2dd(.Y.)
Guest
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally Posted by andi2284 View Post
So I do a lot of random thinking during the day

Do you think many parents are no longer in tune with thier children?

I feel like so many parents have completely forgotten about trusting thier instincts. Instead, they follow the guidlines of a book or a doctor, looking at ages and numbers instead of just getting in tune with thier child and following thier lead of what they need. Doesn't that make more sense than "I need to do this at a certain point" or "My child should be doing this by now"? Despite that, those same parents will say "Every child is different" and yet they are not showing that in how they are raising them.
I actually have a mantra because I do struggle with trusting my instincts. It's a self-confidence issue I'm working on. I've literally had to put my faith in child lead parenting (nature) because the alternative (following doctor's recommendations, parenting books, old-school family advice) just isn't an option for me (in my soul.) The idea of baby training, cribs, weaning, solids, cow's milk all looks great on paper but I don't think even if I was a forceful mom, I could get dd doing X,Y and Z. She's like her mama ~ can sense un/fairness and un/necessary rules.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
April 24th, 2009, 07:03 AM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 11,433
I think so too. I was an early intervention teacher (ages birth to 3) before I became a SAHM so all I saw were developmentally delayed infants and toddlers in my day to day life for years! When I had Liam I was overly concerned with ages and stages. It took several months for me to learn to relax and just let him go at the pace he needed to be at. By the time I had Loch I was much more laid back and trusted myself and my parenting more and let him do things in his own time. I can't say the two approaches have made much difference in the way my children are but it did have a huge impact on how I felt. I feel like I missed much of Liam's babyness because I was so rushy and concered with him doing things "on schedule." I don't feel that way with Loch at all.

It's a hard thing to tune out comparisons because everyone does it. Its not just the competitive Mom at the playground but family members will always compare one child to another. My MIL is constantly comparing the boys to my niece. And even though its always in my boys' favor it still really gets to me because they are three different people and there is no reason to compare them.
__________________
Our angel baby forever missed--1/3/03

Ailish Laura born October 20th, 2012.
8lbs 12oz and 20.75 inches

Reply With Quote
  #9  
April 24th, 2009, 09:53 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
I agree with all the PP's that said that falling into trusting your heart not only makes parenting easier & more natural feeling - but it actually feels GOOD instead of so frustrating...at least to me. So far the most frustrating thing is when I am doing (or trying to do) something that doesn't feel natural. Sometimes I have to do things that don't feel natural or good like having to go to work even when I know he wants me there & I really want to be there, or having to put off nursing because I am not wanting to deal with other people & their hangups at his age...(I am trying to work on that one myself)...
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




Reply With Quote
  #10  
April 24th, 2009, 10:38 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Michigan
Posts: 26,271
I'm not even talking so much about a baby hitting thier own milestones. Although I remember seeing a lot of posts when Abby was a baby with things like "If I put my baby on his belly and move his legs will he learn to crawl?" WTH? I don't understand why parents are so eager to rush it, I'm so enjoying these baby stages and I want her to be little for as long as possible I did that with Abby, it's hard not to get caught up in how a child is developing and what milestones they have hit.

Right now, I'm hearing a lot "My doctor told me to start solids since he's 4 months" Okay, but is your child ready? They don't tell them "Ok, they are 4 months which is the minimum age for solids, these are the signs you should look for to know when he's ready" I could just look at Abby at 4 months and I knew she wasn't ready for solids. It's the same with Anna, I didn't care what my doctor said. I look at where she is at developmentally and my instincts say "She isn't ready" so I trust that. I also see it with things like sleep issues. The doctor says "She needs to be sleeping through the night now, you'll have to let her cry it" and despite that nagging feeling that they don't like that advice, they go ahead with it. I hear so many moms say "Someone told me to do something, but I'm not really sure, she doesn't seem ready"

It's hard for me not to trust my child when she knows what she needs. Hungry? Then eat. Sleepy? Then sleep. You want to be held? Okay, your a baby, what does it hurt? I think when enough people tell you your instincts are wrong, you begin to believe it.
__________________
Andrea, mom to 3 beautiful girls - Abigail (8) Annabelle (5) and Alexis (3)

Expecting baby #4!



Reply With Quote
  #11  
April 24th, 2009, 10:59 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Quote:
Originally Posted by andi2284 View Post
I'm not even talking so much about a baby hitting thier own milestones. Although I remember seeing a lot of posts when Abby was a baby with things like "If I put my baby on his belly and move his legs will he learn to crawl?" WTH? I don't understand why parents are so eager to rush it, I'm so enjoying these baby stages and I want her to be little for as long as possible I did that with Abby, it's hard not to get caught up in how a child is developing and what milestones they have hit.

Right now, I'm hearing a lot "My doctor told me to start solids since he's 4 months" Okay, but is your child ready? They don't tell them "Ok, they are 4 months which is the minimum age for solids, these are the signs you should look for to know when he's ready" I could just look at Abby at 4 months and I knew she wasn't ready for solids. It's the same with Anna, I didn't care what my doctor said. I look at where she is at developmentally and my instincts say "She isn't ready" so I trust that. I also see it with things like sleep issues. The doctor says "She needs to be sleeping through the night now, you'll have to let her cry it" and despite that nagging feeling that they don't like that advice, they go ahead with it. I hear so many moms say "Someone told me to do something, but I'm not really sure, she doesn't seem ready"

It's hard for me not to trust my child when she knows what she needs. Hungry? Then eat. Sleepy? Then sleep. You want to be held? Okay, your a baby, what does it hurt? I think when enough people tell you your instincts are wrong, you begin to believe it.
I have to the be the first to admit though that my instincts aren't always right...because sometimes I instinctively want to slap people when they try to give me parenting advice.

LOL - just kidding....

I do agree though. It was like my Pedi telling me to space Jonah out to eating every 3 hrs during the day & every 4 hrs at night at EIGHT weeks old....grrrrr.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




Reply With Quote
  #12  
April 24th, 2009, 11:01 AM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 11,433
Quote:
Originally Posted by andi2284 View Post
I'm not even talking so much about a baby hitting thier own milestones. Although I remember seeing a lot of posts when Abby was a baby with things like "If I put my baby on his belly and move his legs will he learn to crawl?" WTH? I don't understand why parents are so eager to rush it, I'm so enjoying these baby stages and I want her to be little for as long as possible I did that with Abby, it's hard not to get caught up in how a child is developing and what milestones they have hit.

Right now, I'm hearing a lot "My doctor told me to start solids since he's 4 months" Okay, but is your child ready? They don't tell them "Ok, they are 4 months which is the minimum age for solids, these are the signs you should look for to know when he's ready" I could just look at Abby at 4 months and I knew she wasn't ready for solids. It's the same with Anna, I didn't care what my doctor said. I look at where she is at developmentally and my instincts say "She isn't ready" so I trust that. I also see it with things like sleep issues. The doctor says "She needs to be sleeping through the night now, you'll have to let her cry it" and despite that nagging feeling that they don't like that advice, they go ahead with it. I hear so many moms say "Someone told me to do something, but I'm not really sure, she doesn't seem ready"

It's hard for me not to trust my child when she knows what she needs. Hungry? Then eat. Sleepy? Then sleep. You want to be held? Okay, your a baby, what does it hurt? I think when enough people tell you your instincts are wrong, you begin to believe it.
I think that was my biggest problem when Liam was little. He was my first and even though I've taken care of babies/children since I was a child myself I didn't trust my own instincts. I went against what I felt in my heart to be right to do what I was told was right. And my son suffered because of that. It was an agonizing time and there's some things I will always harbor guilt over. We could have lost him when he was 2 months old because I didn't trust myself enough to do what was best for him and instead did what everyone (doctors, parents, family, friends, etc.) told me was "right." I think thats where a lot of the shift occured and I started to trust and listen to myself more and ignore others.
__________________
Our angel baby forever missed--1/3/03

Ailish Laura born October 20th, 2012.
8lbs 12oz and 20.75 inches

Reply With Quote
  #13  
April 24th, 2009, 02:10 PM
KatiesGirls
Guest
Posts: n/a
I think that being a first time mom you don't want to 'mess up' (even though we are all going to) and you want to prove to the world that you can mother. If your baby isn't naturally a good sleeper for the first year, or doesn't seem as interested in things like crawling or being social ect. yet, a mother panics and looks for validation that usually comes with a good helping of generally well intended but bad advice.

It's hard for me to say though really. I didn't find JM until my oldest was turning 2, so I had already formed all of my parenting beliefs on my own. We chose to ignore the advice from our well intended families to use more traditional methods and did things as they came naturally to Julie. It just made sense to us.

Granted... she IS just over three and we are JUST getting her potty trained Win some and lose some I guess.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
April 24th, 2009, 02:24 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Dreamland...........
Posts: 2,646
That's a VERY interesting conversation ladies, i think i will be joining you
__________________




" \m/ Now Iím riding through the air
going to where no one dares
on the way Iíll cross the line forevermore \m/ "

Reply With Quote
  #15  
April 24th, 2009, 02:26 PM
*Jack'sMommy*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 3,095
Honestly, I get really frustrated with a lot of the "advice" that I receive from "experienced" moms. I don't get TOO much advice but when I do get it it's usually bad in my opinion. I really love that I trust my mommy instincts and everyone, family, friends, strangers, etc. comment on how well-adjusted, happy, and friendly Jack is. I truly feel that it is part his nature and part nurture. I think he is naturally a good, happy baby but I think that trusting my mommy instincts and letting him do things at his own pace has made him an awesome baby. He brings SO much joy to my life and I feel so connected with him. Because I trust my instincts I know that he trusts me 100% and that is such an awesome feeling.
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #16  
April 24th, 2009, 02:29 PM
KatiesGirls
Guest
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Jack'sMommy* View Post
Honestly, I get really frustrated with a lot of the "advice" that I receive from "experienced" moms. I don't get TOO much advice but when I do get it it's usually bad in my opinion. I really love that I trust my mommy instincts and everyone, family, friends, strangers, etc. comment on how well-adjusted, happy, and friendly Jack is. I truly feel that it is part his nature and part nurture. I think he is naturally a good, happy baby but I think that trusting my mommy instincts and letting him do things at his own pace has made him an awesome baby. He brings SO much joy to my life and I feel so connected with him. Because I trust my instincts I know that he trusts me 100% and that is such an awesome feeling.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellemphriem View Post
That's a VERY interesting conversation ladies, i think i will be joining you
Hop right in!!! We would love to have you!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:00 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0