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disciplining older children


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  #1  
May 3rd, 2009, 11:11 PM
ItalySarah's Avatar Proud Attached Mommy
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Location: North Carolina
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I know there are several of us who have older children. what do you do for discipline? Do you think letting them cry as an older child is ok?

I personally am having a very hard time with my son. He is 5 1/2 and he is really pushing my buttons the last couple days. I have just recently decided against spanking after doing research on it and its been a HUGE challange for me since I have been back. His father still spanks and I feel like he is not taking me seriously when I punish him. Latley I have been holding him in the bear hold until he calms down and then I try to help him shake out his anger. I will tell him to start with a deep breath, and shake all the angry out of his hands, legs, ect. Usually this works and he is ok after but today was not that easy. The problem is that if I tell him no to something, he starts this whinning. "But mommy" oh and it is soooooooooooooooo aggravating and he just wont stop. I tell him to go to his room and he will fall on to the floor. I get up to assist him in getting to his room and he yells "no- please dont spank me" I tell him repeatedly that I am not going to spank him but he needs to get up and go into his room. He gets very angry and starts screaming horribly when I do get him in his room. Today was very trying. (It was so bad I was shaking and wanting to smoke..... I came so close to buying a pack.) He had three different melt downs. I am just at a loss for what to do with him. I KNOW that its a phase and he will get thru it but in the meantime.... I am going to loose my mind.

Any ideas for what I can do to keep myself calm but to also make sure he is taking me as a seriously? My girls listen very well but they are older and dont pester me when I tell them no. My reason for no is always satisfying to them....
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  #2  
May 4th, 2009, 08:30 AM
broxi3781's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
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Well I;ve already admitted I am really terrible at discipline. I suppose its something to do with natural anarchist in me just not wanting to be an authority figure myself, and also, no way around it, I'm just a big wuss.
I think your son is likely testing the limits after you being gone and everything, but I havent a clue how to fix it, except it probabley will get better with time. With Billy I tend to use punishments that fit the crime, like not being allowed to go out if he cant obey me about the road (Wee bugger did another dash in front of a car last week and thought he was so funny!) or take video games away. I have no problem with walking away and leaving him crying for his games, especially as he stops the second i leave the room anyway.
But he does that repeating can i please pleeassee PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEEEE!
bit with Daddy because 90% of the time daddy will give in if he keeps at it long enough, and trust me, he is quite determined, but I am arguing with dh on this one as all he is doing really is teaching the child to whinge and argue. Fair enough I'd have done the same as a child if all it resulted in was me getting whatever I wanted.
The only thing I can think of you might try is an egg timer or something and give him 3 or 5 minutes to argue his case as long as there is no whinging. If you can, sometimes reconsider and let him win, but at the end of the 5 minutes its done and if your answer is no, it stays no.
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  #3  
May 4th, 2009, 08:46 AM
frgsonmysox's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It's similar in our household. Chris does still spank occasionally, but I do not. Anthony, my 4.5 year old, gets a time out until he's calmed down, and I've calmed down and then I talk to him. We also do natural consequences with him, which seem to be the most effective.
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  #4  
May 4th, 2009, 09:09 AM
blondie-lox's Avatar Do NOT feed the Troll
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With Phoenix, she gets time outs, either in her room or on the time out chair. We explain to her how long she is to have a time out (5 mins) and why she is on time out. When she is done her time out we ask her why she was on time out and if she knows why what she did was unacceptable. We try our hardest to be consistent. She gets one warning and that's it, and then time out.
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  #5  
May 4th, 2009, 12:03 PM
~*Kixs*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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This might not be the *best* AP answer but...when my DD (almost 4) starts whinning I simply tell her "I am sorry but mommy ears can't hear whinning voices" then I ignor her...she usally starts talking in her normal voice pretty quick and I will say "O' Kaylie, I did not know you were here!" and act all suprised. She thinks it is funny and it has actually cut down on the whinning. I only do this of piddly little whinning issue's.

If she has a genuine issue and happens to be whinning I do not ignor her! I simply remind her that she needs to speak like a big girl if she wants to be treated like a big girl.
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  #6  
May 5th, 2009, 05:18 PM
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I'm sorry you guys are going through this!!

Is there any way you can spend some one on one time with him? He is likely confused about all the transitions and needs his Mommy cup filled. If he has become accustomed to being spanked and not being listened to he may benefit from having a nice easy talk with you during a calm time, explain how you feel about spanking him, work together to come up with logical consequences for certain behaviors and model the tone of voice that you will listen to when he is really whining.
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  #7  
May 5th, 2009, 07:53 PM
KatiesGirls
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We are just getting into the more difficult challenges with Julie. So far redirection and time outs have been working. *fingers crossed*
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  #8  
May 5th, 2009, 08:45 PM
KimberlyD0
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When my 3.5 year old whines we tell her we don't understand whining, use your words.

Sometimes it takes a lot of coxing. Especially if she is really worked up. If she gets to the point where she is so worked up that she can't stop crying, we use time-outs. I find that if she is that worked up, me leaving gives her the space and time she needs to calm down. Then we try again.

Time-outs is our main method of disapline here. Neither of us spanks, and we don't like to yell. Although admittedly sometimes we do. Sometimes it happens you know.

We started time-outs when she was under 2. So she fully understands whats going on. Sometimes she'll even go and take a time-out on her own if she is angry or frustrated because she knows she can calm down there. She's even been known to tell me I need a time-out when I am getting frustrated LOL
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  #9  
May 6th, 2009, 11:41 AM
Zoostergirl's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KimberlyD0 View Post
When my 3.5 year old whines we tell her we don't understand whining, use your words.

Sometimes it takes a lot of coaxing. Especially if she is really worked up. If she gets to the point where she is so worked up that she can't stop crying, we use time-outs. I find that if she is that worked up, me leaving gives her the space and time she needs to calm down. Then we try again.

Time-outs is our main method of discipline here. Neither of us spanks, and we don't like to yell. Although admittedly sometimes we do. Sometimes it happens you know.


Usually when my almost four year old is really freaking out and crying it's because of one of three reasons:
1. She's hungry
2. She's tired
3. She's feeling misunderstood

We've also taught her to ask for a hug when she is starting to tantrum. When she does that it usually calms both of us down. We praise her for telling us what she needs.
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