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So hard to be vocal about AP sometimes...


Forum: Attachment Parenting

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  #1  
July 13th, 2009, 09:16 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Tacoma, WA
Posts: 1,023
Why is it that AP mom's are seen as "pushy" and "judgmental" when we mention our parenting methods, but traditional ones can preach all day?

Why am I thinking about this? Well, one of my dearest guy friends just had a baby. This little baby girl, Ember, is now 5 days old. Two days ago her dad, my friend, posted a status update on Facebook that said "I would pay good money for sound sleep, but I'm still happy as a clam!" One of his friends posted a reply "Babywise = Sleep! You should try it, it's the best!" Another mom friend agreed with her. Neither of these women are friends of mine, btw.
I felt uncomfortable posting a public reply, so I wrote him a private message saying that I wasn't going to judge any parenting technique he and his wife chose, but I wanted him to know about Dr. Sears and No-Cry Sleep Solution, if he was looking for books.
He wrote back that he wasn't firmly in either camp, but that he saw good points to both. He said that CIO people "miss out on a baby's main form of communication." But then he went on to say "My wife and I have decided that we will only let a baby unsurp our needs for 3 months." WHAT? It sounded to me like they were planning to CIO starting after 3 months. I don't know what else to say without sounding critical or judgemental, so I left it at that.

But seriously, why is it so hard to say "I would never let my child scream in their crib. I believe that their needs are valid and need to be met." When I first had Toby, several friends of mine posted Facebook comments about the "miracle" of Babywise/Sleep Training. And I hadn't even asked for sleep advice!

(Side note, another one of my friends commented, when I made a Facebook status mentioning that I was still BF at 8 months, "I quit breastfeeding after 2 weeks, they get way too attached otherwise." I had no idea what to say to that...)

Sorry, this turned into a long rant, but it's frustrating to be in the minority sometimes!
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  #2  
July 14th, 2009, 04:59 AM
10x_A_Mommy's Avatar formerly mom_of_8
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,683
I voice my opinions whether they like it or not. Such as - my 14 month old just stopped nursing a couple days ago - 3 days ago to be exact - and I am heartbroken I lost my milk supply 2 days before I found out I was pregnanct and tried for weeks to boost it but it just didn't happen and he finally gave up. Most of my family and IRL friends - when I told them Gavin weaned - said "Good". Good?! I am saddened by him weaning, and they say Good?? I also get told all the time that it's ridiculous that he still gets rocked or held til he goes to sleep every night - that I should just put him in his bed and make him sleep because I'm just letting him walk all over me. So I get opinionated right back at em and tell them that no it's not ok for me to just dump him in his crib and walk away when he's not comfortable with it. He is a mama's boy and doesn't like people outside of our own house holding him - that's fine with me - but family/friends try to force him to be held by them - that's not ok either.

So each time someone gives me a reason I shouldn't do something - I just come right back with a reason why I should. And if that makes me pushy - well I just don't care lol. I'd rather come off as pushy than a pushover when it comes to what people think I should do. As for other parent's decisions - I'll offer them what options that I know of and that I practice and help them with anything more they want to know - but then it's in their hands and if they choose to CIO - then I just ignore posts about it or ask them not to discuss that with me because it is something I am strongly against.
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  #3  
July 14th, 2009, 05:24 AM
broxi3781's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: belfast, northern ireland
Posts: 1,563
i dont know what to say, people dont want children to usurp their needs after 3 months? I just cant see having children if you are not prepared to put thier needs first for at least the first 18 years. I am not saying give in to every whim, but that is really sad, as is the statement about not wanting them to get too attached.
The strength of the attachment between mother and baby is one of the best things a parent can give a child and determines in most cases their ability to love and form attachments later. I suppose whoever said that had a horrid childhood themselves to even think such a thing, but then most of us want better for our children than we had.
But as to why AP moms are considered pushy, because they say things people really dont want to hear or think about, and perhaps make people feel a bit guilty becasue they dont bother to care as much for their children.
A good friend of mine was commenting on how happy my boys are, and how I appeared to really enjoy being with them. Then she said I wish |i could do it all over again and have the time for mine like you do with yours. A nice complement but still very sad. I cant see ever looking back and regretting too much time and love given to my children. Nor do you ever hear about children in trouble - well he had too much love growing up!
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  #4  
July 14th, 2009, 06:34 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,003
People who practice AP can't help but "make" people who don't feel badly about their choices because everything we do, we do because we feel that it is a better way than the alternatives. But really what people are reacting to is the little voice of instinct that they have suppressed that tells them "it's ok to pick your baby up" (or whatever it is that they are doing) that is making them feel guilty. MOST of the time they go through life happy that they have trained their baby to fit neatly into their lives, bragging that they sleep through the night and bragging about the minimal disruption to what they want to do... but when someone who actually puts their child's needs first comes into view, it makes them very edgy and defensive because they realize that they could be doing better but they choose not to.

Just my
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  #5  
July 14th, 2009, 09:53 AM
(.Y.)mom2dd(.Y.)
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I love reading these responses!
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  #6  
July 14th, 2009, 11:20 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Tacoma, WA
Posts: 1,023
Lisa, I agree 100%. I think we do make them uncomfortable sometimes. Everyone always comments at how happy and secure Toby is, and I'm quick to say that attachement parenting is probably a big part of the reason why.
I guess what makes it hard for me to speak up is that these are friends I've known for 10 years or more, ever since high school. We're just now beginning to see each other as parents with children, and it's bringing out differences in us that we've never seen before. It's just an odd transition, I suppose.
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