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  #1  
July 27th, 2009, 10:12 PM
Linz L-I's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi all! I introduced myself a while back when I was pregnant (April, I believe) but now I can fully join in the boards because my daughter is born and I'm officially an AP Momma!

And so let the questions begin!

Before Colette was born I told myself I'd NEVER let her cry. Well, obviously that was foolish. She seems to have the ability to know right when I can't get to her, like crying when we are stuck in traffic, etc. Obviously, at home I pick her up the minute she cries (but then, I'm usually holding her), but sometimes it's just not possible, mostly just when we are in the car. So my question is, what is the longest your baby has cried without being in your arms? Please make me feel better so I don't feel like I'm doing psychological trauma!
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  #2  
July 27th, 2009, 10:35 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi, and Congrats,

I think she has cried herself max 3 minutes or something before being in either my or DH's arms, but if i were alone with her in the car that might be another case. But that is not CIO honey i mean AP is not there to STOP all crying, i mean crying can be healing. Children cry for various reasons. Since your baby is so young yet her reasons are pretty straightforward like i am hungry, i need a change, i need sleep/tired, or i need comfort. But later on the crying varies and it can include i am bored, i want out of here, i want this, give me that and so on. Furstration on not being able to get something or be able to do whatever they want yet can also lead them to a fit......that doesn't mean you HAVE to stop it. Just be there. Now as to the car issue if the crying was very hard denoting a problem and not whiny i'd pull up somewhere to check she is fine, kiss her and give her a hug and then be off quickly again in order to get home and be able to do things my way. Just remember, it is not your job to STOP the crying, it our job to find out the cause and help were we can, were we can't (for that happens also) we are just there for comfort. Sometimes she may need later to be left alone also you know. Many times my daughter gets an huge overload and cries BECAUSE i hold her. She needs out, a break, a little sleep. And she was never the one to be swaddled and cuddled to sleep. She always liked to sleep alone (although i am sleeping at the botton of her crib, but don't let her know that LOL)......so pls pls don't over stress yourself. It's too soon yet
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  #3  
July 28th, 2009, 12:05 AM
Xx5Xy1+'s Avatar What's your superpower?
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I think there is a huge difference between CIO and not being able to safely pick them up when they are upset. My little ones would do this too in the car. Perhaps you can find some kind of brightly colored mobile that you can somehow hang close to your little one (but not close enough that it could hit them if you had to stop sharply). I also keep a cd of childrens songs in the car (dh hates it btw lol) and sometimes that helps, sometimes just singing to the radio so they can hear your voice helps. Honestly though, sometimes NOTHING helps. I have had more than one drive that I cried the whole way because there was NOTHING that would settle her (which ever 'her' it happened to be at the time) and I could do NOTHING about it because I was driving. You are NOT going to damage your little one by not immediately pulling over and picking them up. Just try to let them know you're still nearby and talk to them in a soft, calm voice... and then relax mama.

After 5 kids and one more on the way, I've learned (even as an AP mama) that at the end of the day, it can officially be considered a "good day" if all my kids are safe at home and in their beds with full bellies and no one had to go to the emergency room LOL Don't sweat the small stuff honey... and 99% of it is small stuff even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.
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  #4  
July 28th, 2009, 05:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xx5Xy1 View Post
After 5 kids and one more on the way, I've learned (even as an AP mama) that at the end of the day, it can officially be considered a "good day" if all my kids are safe at home and in their beds with full bellies and no one had to go to the emergency room LOL Don't sweat the small stuff honey... and 99% of it is small stuff even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.
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  #5  
July 28th, 2009, 06:30 AM
KimberlyD0
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Don't beat yourself up. Babies cry its what they do. Some do it more then others. My first for example cried no matter what I did, hold, feed, talk, sing, leave, stay, drive, walk, you get the picture. 8-12 hours everyday for 6 months I too felt like a horrible mom. I used to cry myself wondering what was so wrong with me that I couldn't comfort her.

Now I have 2 and I have learned and grown. I know now that sometimes they need to just cry for whatever reason. There are going to be time when you just can't stop everything when they cry. Especially in situations where its just not safe to do so, like driving. Just do your best to ensure that when you can respond you do. I used to sit for hours holding DD#1 while she screamed. I used to look at it as, well I may not be able to help her, but at least I can be there for her. I admit though to taking 5 minutes and stepping back, to refocus myself, I mean who wouldn't.

AP is not about not ever having a crying baby, thats unrealistic, its about attending to their needs to the best of your ability, and being there whenever possible. As she grows the crying should lessen. When in the car saddly there is not much you can do but stop, or get to your destination as quickly as possible (while being safe about it) and then tending to your LO.

You are doing her no harm if she ends up crying for a few minutes if its not safe to tend to her, ie a car.
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  #6  
July 28th, 2009, 06:30 AM
HurricaneLady's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My son cried....ok screamed in the car EVERY time until he was almost 5 months old...... we did our best, but DH and I both work so when Parker was in the car 99% of the time there was only 1 adult and they were driving so there was no one to sit next to him.
We did our best to talk him through it - cracking the window or getting static from an AM station often calmed him down enough to fall asleep. There were times that I just HAD to pull over bc he was so hysterical - I would give him a small break and then he would have to go back in his carseat.
We had to go to work, the doctors, the grocery there was no way around it.....but as he has gotten older and has the ability to "talk" back to me he is MUCH happier and we will have little conversations now bc he realizes I am there.
You do your best - you talk them through their fears/pain/anger, but you cannot always stop the tears - you can only offer "mommy words" to help comfort them.......that IS being an AP mommy in my opinion....you're acknowledging their emotions, but you cannot always prevent them.
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  #7  
July 28th, 2009, 12:23 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I had a car screamer too....seems to be a reoccurring theme here that every one & a while a newer mom pops in with this particular issue & I think it is because we are ALL brainwashed into believing babies love the car & it makes them sleep....LOL If ONLY! Anyway - sometimes they have to cry a little....sometimes we have to modify a little. Jonah hated the car for the entire first year...so I limited car trips as best as I could & tried to make sure I could ride in back with him whenever I could arrange for a "driver" , etc, etc...and when I had to go somewhere & let him cry in his seat, then that is what happened.... We tried hanging toys, music, etc...sometimes with a little success, more often it did nothing for him. The only thing that worked for him was when I turned his seat at a year. Had he not been screaming everywhere we went, I would have waited, but as it was I tried it & IMMEDIATELY the screaming stopped. Hopefully your babe learns to like the car sooner than that - it seems most do....the good news is though that even if she doesn't....eventually all kids do get better about this....it doesn't last forever, it only feels like forever while you are dealing with it. As far as how long he has cried without me holding him...??? I really can't say. I can say I used to stop the car...a LOT. It should take 2.5 hrs to get to my sister's house & one time it took over 6....LOL.

HUGE hugs momma!
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  #8  
July 28th, 2009, 01:00 PM
(.Y.)mom2dd(.Y.)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linz L-I View Post
Hi all! I introduced myself a while back when I was pregnant (April, I believe) but now I can fully join in the boards because my daughter is born and I'm officially an AP Momma!

And so let the questions begin!

Before Colette was born I told myself I'd NEVER let her cry. Well, obviously that was foolish. She seems to have the ability to know right when I can't get to her, like crying when we are stuck in traffic, etc. Obviously, at home I pick her up the minute she cries (but then, I'm usually holding her), but sometimes it's just not possible, mostly just when we are in the car. So my question is, what is the longest your baby has cried without being in your arms? Please make me feel better so I don't feel like I'm doing psychological trauma!
back to attachment parenting and mommyhood!!

I can see by your siggie you had your LO in a car ~ LOL! (I'd love to hear that story when you have time.) Now I'm just kidding by bringing that up because I didn't have my baby in the car but she didn't like riding in the car until I turned her around. (Yes I'm one of those "evil" moms that don't rear face until they were four or five. My 2 year old toddler is 42 lbs, a pound less than a month ago. She is taller than most kids too. I can't find a car seat in Canada certified to rear face a 42-43lber.) It's so hard because the car seat experts tighten the car seat so tight that my dd burst into tears. Of course we loosened it a bit more because it was obviously too tight when they werent' looking. Sometimes, just cracking open a window helped us with the crying. (I emphasis sometimes.) I did pull over here and there to nurse her, check her diaper and get her settled too because it's just not safe to have a crying baby and mom. OF course it's way easier with dh but I found I would just drive with one arm on the wheel (thank god we have an automatic) while rubbing the top of her head while singing to her. It sucks having a little one crying. I did start to limit the car rides too because it's just too painful for her and I. I hope you find something that works.
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  #9  
July 28th, 2009, 01:19 PM
MilkyJo's Avatar Veteran
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Ben would never - and still doesn't actually - sleep in the car without a lot of screaming, toy-flinging and crying before finally drifting off.

Obviously safety in a car is the most important thing. Back when I was a baby, my mum used to sit me on her lap when I was upset! Can't do that these days! It's illegal and extremely dangerous, but the roads were very different back then.

It does get easier as they get older. When Ben was very little, car journeys were a nightmare, I remember well. Unfortunately both his grandparents live 2-2.5 hours away at least, and a couple of journeys have been almost non-stop crying for the whole duration when overtired Ben completely refused to sleep no matter what I did (I am usually sat in the back next to him while DH drives). We took breaks in service stations wherever we could so I could get him out of the car seat, but sometimes I found that taking breaks actually made him cry even harder once we set off again.

In Ben's case, I am pretty certain that he gets upset when he gets tired. It improved as he got older because he can go longer between napping, so we try and plan long car journeys for just after he wakes up. Also, the older your baby gets, the more entertainment options you have you keep them distracted.
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  #10  
July 28th, 2009, 02:58 PM
Martina's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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i only drive with karissa right now when i know she is going to sleep! every morning i take my older dd to summer camp. and so far karissa sleeps every single time we go in the car
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  #11  
July 28th, 2009, 03:44 PM
Linz L-I's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks everyone! This has been really reassuring to read. Hearing my baby cry has been one of the most upsetting things I've gone through w/ parenting so far (which is why I'm stunned that there are CIO parents out there!) so it's nice to read this advice.

Michelle - you'd think she would love the car seeing as she was born in it! If you want, you can read her birth story here: http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f8...nd-4-45am.html
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  #12  
July 28th, 2009, 04:26 PM
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You have gotten such awesome responses. I just wanted to say Congrats and stick around!!!

Oh and AMAZING birth story by the way!!
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  #13  
July 28th, 2009, 07:06 PM
(.Y.)mom2dd(.Y.)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linz L-I View Post
Thanks everyone! This has been really reassuring to read. Hearing my baby cry has been one of the most upsetting things I've gone through w/ parenting so far (which is why I'm stunned that there are CIO parents out there!) so it's nice to read this advice.
I know exactly what you mean hon!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linz L-I View Post
Michelle - you'd think she would love the car seeing as she was born in it! If you want, you can read her birth story here: http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f8...nd-4-45am.html
Thanks for posting that!!

What an awesome birth story!! Way to go mama!

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Originally Posted by Linz L-I View Post
Colette is a beauty and the car needs a full wash/wax/detail job.
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  #14  
July 28th, 2009, 07:18 PM
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Here's another thing to remember - it's going to take a while for you to get to know your baby. I was expecting to magically know everything my baby was thinking and feeling just because I am his mother and let me tell you - it doesn't work that way! Sometimes we have to guess as to what is upsetting them and sometimes we get it wrong. Sometimes it is 20% gas, 50% overtired, 30% teething and it's really hard to figure out just what is going on that is upsetting them so much. I still have a very visceral reaction to my toddler crying and do NOT understand for the life of me those who can ignore their babies cries but he cried a fair amount. Holding him often didn't do the trick either (but nursing sure did, still does!)
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  #15  
July 28th, 2009, 07:29 PM
Linz L-I's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks for your comments on Colette's birth! We'll definitely be homebirthing next time.

Lisa - excellent point about getting to know her. I think you're right and that will help a lot. Right now I just run through everything I can think of when she cries. So far nursing ALWAYS works and I could probably keep this child on a boob all day long (heck, I practically do!). I need to learn how to nurse her while she's in her carseat so maybe Daddy could drive and I could sit in the back and nurse.
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  #16  
July 28th, 2009, 08:54 PM
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Hehe I nurse in the carseat but it took me nearly a year to get to that point (he now nurses sitting up all the time so it's more natural now).

Also there may come a day when nursing doesn't do it. For me this was at 2 months when he started teething. UGH what an awful feeling when the one thing that relaxed us both when he was superfussy didn't work! But we got through it and you will too!
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  #17  
July 28th, 2009, 09:30 PM
Linz L-I's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Oh no! I forgot about teething. I shudder when I think about it. I've heard awful stories from the trenches.

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  #18  
July 29th, 2009, 08:48 AM
broxi3781's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am beginning to wonder where the stories of all babies loving the car, sleeping in the car and so come from. I used to think it was only mine that hated the car, but apparently I am not the only one.
Bilyy HATED the car, we tried everything, nothing worked until he got old enough to realise the car often took him fun places. Ian is usually OK for short journeys if I keep telling him stories or bring snacks and keep feeding the whole way. He doesnt like long car trips either.
I really wish I could give you some great advice, but with Billy I as at the point of wanting to move to Pennsylvania and become Amish. All I can say is you are not alone, as obvious already by other posts. You might try singing, it sometimes helped a bit with Ian, but it will get better eventually.
And on crying at home, crying in a parents arms is not cio, sometimes babies do cry and we cant find a way to stop the tears, but at least they have our loving arms as comfort, but of course sometimes it takes a minute or two to get to them, especially if you are caring for an older child, I always talk to them and tell them I am coming, and after awhile i found they would often settle for a minute just on hearing my voice.
You might have a hard time with teething too, but it is not always the nightmare you hear about, we have had some fussy days with new teeth coming in, but nothing terrible. I think Ian is tetthing now as he didnt sleep well last night and is biting everything, but it isnt screaming or sick or anything else. Not saying it wont ever be, but it isnt for all babies.
Good Luck.
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  #19  
July 29th, 2009, 09:52 AM
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Ditto to what everyone said.
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  #20  
July 29th, 2009, 11:14 AM
Effervescence's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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The first time with Jonah in the car by myself was terrible! It ended in him covered in spit up, and me sobbing at a McDonalds parking lot five minutes from our house LOL. It's gotten better though. It really improved when we got his convertable carseat- I think he wasn't comfortable in his infant carrier, because he would scream as soon as we put him in that, but the first time we put him in his convertible seat he was laughing and playing with us. HUGE difference.

There's a neat little gadget that has given me a lot of peace of mind in the car. It's this cute little mirror that attaches to the headrest of the seat where Jonah's seat is, so I can see him in the rearview mirror. They sell them at Target and Babies R Us, and they are only about $15. It's one of my can't-live-without items, honestly. Not only can I see him when he is crying to make sure he's okay, but he can see me- my eyes anyway and he seems to like that. Lately I've also seen him making faces in the mirror LOL so it entertains him too!
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