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AP momies of High-needs babies


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  #1  
August 4th, 2009, 08:58 AM
jacquelinejoy's Avatar Super Mommy
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Ameen is a year next week and nightimes are our worst. We just started sidecaring the crib thinking that if he might find some comfort in that. Previously he was waking after 1-3 hours of being put in his crib fully asleep (he won't go to bed any other way) and then coming to our bed. If I try to put him back in his bed which is right next to us he immediately stands up and starts crying until I take him out and get him back to our bed. So, like I mentioned we tried sidecaring recently and he still insists on laying in our bed. If I even try to move him back to his mattress he gets mad. Not to mention the fact that he does alot of whining at night and headbutts me when he can't get back to sleep or lays on me. I have tried putting him in his bed half asleep but he rolls over and gets mad and if I don't get to him fast enough, starts chewing and eating the wooden crib.

I guess i'm just looking for some support from other AP mamas with high needs children. Our first child was a very happy, easy baby and transistions well. So now dealing with our new baby who cries and whines 85% of the day and wants to be held only by me (wants nothing to do with dad) I find myself getting really stressed out.
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  #2  
August 4th, 2009, 10:38 AM
MommaNator's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My DD did the same things when she was 1 year old. We had to put her to bed completely asleep, and within a few hours she would be in our bed. If she woke up too many times she would stay awake for hours! It was the only way we could get any sleep. We are still co-sleeping and I absolutely love it. We haven't tried to transition DD back to sleeping in her own crib because it has been over a year since she slept there all night, and we are used to it now. I think she really needs to sleep near people, and knows when she is not. Plus, a crib mattress feels very different from our big mattress. Mona knows her mind and insisting that she sleep elsewhere is not a battle we want to fight anyway. Sorry I don't have advice on how to get your son happily sleeping in the sidecar but I wanted you to know other parents are in the same situation. My DD has a pretty happy personality but she also insists on being near me (not her daddy) at all times and still gets held a lot. At 1 year I was still holding her constantly. It can be draining sometimes when you are constantly giving attention and do not get breaks throughout the day to recharge yourself.
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  #3  
August 4th, 2009, 12:28 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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High needs LO's are hard....as it is hard to be the one they look to when they have ANY need. We sidecarred out crib sometime after a year (before that he was just bedsharing at that time) and it took some time for him to really want to sleep in it. I would get him to sleep & put him in the crib & then in a few hours or less he was plastered to me again. Sometimes he still is, but more often these days he stays in his sidecar with one hand on me. I also wore him a lot at a year because he did want to be everywhere I was. I even wore him while cooking. I just put him on my back & let him hang out there....he called it a mommy back pack LOL. It DOES get easier though - they do develop a sense of independence. It just takes more time & heaven help you when they do....because now I can put him down in the store & he will take off & NEVER look back.... He only wants me when he really needs me now & other than that he could blow me off completely...and then I find I miss my cuddle bug. He also cries a TON less than he used to. Hang in there....it can be so hard when they are small, but you also miss it when it's over.
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

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  #4  
August 4th, 2009, 12:56 PM
jacquelinejoy's Avatar Super Mommy
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Thank you both for your replies. It's helpful to know that other momies are going through the same thing. I was almost in tears as I wrote that post this morning but after reading your responses, it leaves me feeling like I can do this for another day and I think that's what we need sometimes.
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  #5  
August 4th, 2009, 05:04 PM
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Yes BTDT.. And I can't agree enough that finding other Moms out there that have experienced a high needs child is a HUGE relief!! I second Becks comments about wearing him all the time. DD spent SOOO much time in the kitchen on me that at almost 3 I swear she could cook some things herself.

I really got alot out of 2 books: The fussy baby and high needs Toddler (Dr. Sears) and The spirited child book by Mary Sheedy Kurkuchina.. I have TOTAL pregnancy brain right now, I think the spirited child boook has a different title, I'm too lazy and HUGE to get up and check but really it is an amazing book and I wish I had had it in DD's first two years.

Do you have any time or way to re-charge? I am finding that a little timw with no kid is absolutely neccassry to my own mental sanity as my spirited toddler becomes a preschooler. Really you are in for so much delight and wonder as your little guyy grows these kids may be a bit more, but they are also just so amazing and truly unique.

Follow his cues and your heart and instincts, you guys will do great!!
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  #6  
August 5th, 2009, 08:19 AM
broxi3781's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Billy was high needs. Billy never slept in a cot at all, but always co slept, wanted carried all the time but hated the sling, and was a nightmare to get to sleep.
He's still a high energy child but extremely independent. Contrary to what many people say, responding to all their needs when young makes the more independent i think. As Beck said this will pass and then you'll miss it.
And as Kimber said these kids may be abit more, but thats agood thing as they get older, they are just so intense, or bright sparks, and I am really blessed by my spark, even if that spark is more like an inferno at times
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  #7  
August 6th, 2009, 05:43 AM
cln1812's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am right there with you. Tessa is very high needs. In fact, I never set out to AP her, but I ended up using AP because it is the only thing that works with her. We cosleep in the bed, and I've determined we're not even going to attempt to move her to her own room until she gets less clingy for me. I think we're going to buy a double bed for her room and put the mattress on the floor so that when we make the transition, I can lie down on the mattress with her. Her crib just never got used. Ever. From day 1, she was a much harder baby than others seemed to be, hated the swaddle, the swing, wanted to be held all the time and still does.

The bad thing is that DD never took to baby wearing even though I must have tried 5 or 6 different slings and carriers. She just wants to be held by me all the time and not worn. That has made it hard on me physically, but the only saving grace was that she has always been on the small side for her age (albeit long), so she wasn't as heavy as she might have been.

I had moms swear to me the clinginess would get better at 18 months--wrong! If anything, a huge new dose of separation anxiety and clinginess has come upon her. I suspect some of it may be due to the 2 year molars coming in, but that doesn't make it easier. Days without naps are the worst.

I go every morning to the gym and use the childcare there. Luckily, I have a small gym (the childcare usually maxes out around 2 or 3 kids, often DD is the only one in childcare so she gets lots of attention). If I didn't have the gym, I'd go crazy or be on Xanax, I think.

Sometimes, if she's having a tough day at home, I'll try to get out with her--go to the library (she loves books) or Barnes & Noble (they have a Thomas the Train table in the children's section she loves to play with). I hate that the weather is just too hot for walking or going to the park right now and can't wait for fall!
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  #8  
August 6th, 2009, 10:57 AM
docsmomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Melanie was high needs, and in some ways she still is.

Joey on the other hand is high needs, but I'm pretty certain it because of everything he's gone through already. I just take it one day at a time as much as I can. Sometimes I do have to say "mommy needs a few minutes at which point I ask one of our neighbors (who we are good friends with) to sit with the kids for 5 minutes, or have DH take over for a little while, or ask my mom for ideas and suggestions. And when he won't settle to sleep no matter what i try i call in reinforcements, because sometimes my mom can get him to sleep in a few minutes when everything I have tried fails.
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  #9  
August 6th, 2009, 11:36 AM
jacquelinejoy's Avatar Super Mommy
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Well sidecaring the crib doesn't seem to be working either. So, he doesn't like to sleep in his crib wether next to the bed or in the same room. Still once he's in our bed, that doesn't stop him from waking frequently and whining, crying, standing up, headbutting me etc. They only thing I haven't tried is putting him in the bedroom with his brother which I don't want to do. I'm at a total loss and starting to feel the sleep deprivation settle in.
Any suggestions?
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  #10  
August 11th, 2009, 08:02 PM
Alissa&Isabelle'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Isabelle is a lot more needy than Alissa. I just co sleep. I'm so tired and she is quiet next to Mommy. I don't know if co sleeping with work with you and your son since he's older and head butts you but I co slept with Alissa until she was about 18 months.
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  #11  
August 11th, 2009, 08:42 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't know how much i can help there. We are not really high needs, although she does have a mild separation anxiety going on and wants to be held by me more than anyone else but nothing too serious. If someone really gets her attention she forgets me (till she sees me again LOL). Stephanie slept on me till she was 3 months old and then she broke out of it alone and wanted to sleep on her own space. Wouldn't sleep with me at all. I got her excited not calm. So she sleeps alone since then and doing well on it. We have to transition her to another bigger crib now don't know how that will go but she is used to having a quiet place of her own so on that front we are cool. Have you thought maybe taking the crib to another room ? (pls AP mommies don't flame me). On the point that your son is now a toodler and that maybe the quietness of another room might help him sleep? Maybe your presence there excites him? As it did to Stephanie. How we put her to sleep is this. She has her own place now (although i am sleeping in another small bed inside that room *after she has fallen to sleep, but that is for my comfort to know that she fine not for her comfort per se ......we place her down and she usually starts crawling pulling u pand cruising around her crib (she doesn't want to sleep yet), not upset at all, laughing and trying to play. I go in and caress her and put her down again. In the end after a couple of takes of that she will settle down and then she will sleep. Sometimes it can take a lot of time to do it but it's ok. Do we sleep immediately each time we go to bed? Sometimes it takes a couple of tries from us also. I would suggest moving his crib in a quiet room and trying the i come in place you down, hug/kiss you goodnight and leave thing. Might work. Of course without having to let him cry, yes? Does he also take a pacifier? Offer him that also when you put him down. Stephanie lies in her bed and talks to her pacifier or to her blankie blanket for a while and then her eyelids start to drop. But whatever we say each baby is unique and has unique needs. Try anything that works with your son and be creative and try many things. That is what i do. And btw my ways change whenever her needs change. Have to versatile also.

Good luck

PS: I just read he doesn't sleep well with you either as i saw. Wakes up whines headbutts you and so on. Maybe you excite him as i said. Move him to another room, be patient and consistent. Maybe he will be more peaceful when alone. If i slept with her she would have woken up each time i tossed or turned and as an active 9 months she would have pulled up also probably. being alone enables her to have deep content sleep with no single interruption from 9 at night to 7 in the morning.
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Last edited by Ellemphriem; August 11th, 2009 at 08:57 PM.
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  #12  
August 14th, 2009, 12:24 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jacquelinejoy View Post
Well sidecaring the crib doesn't seem to be working either. So, he doesn't like to sleep in his crib wether next to the bed or in the same room. Still once he's in our bed, that doesn't stop him from waking frequently and whining, crying, standing up, headbutting me etc. They only thing I haven't tried is putting him in the bedroom with his brother which I don't want to do. I'm at a total loss and starting to feel the sleep deprivation settle in.
Any suggestions?
Hang in there momma. I think it took at least a month before he was at all open to the sidecar....in fact I know in the beginning I half slept it in more than he did...using it for extra leg room or whatever for myself...LOL Anyway - it came along slowly. This crawling, head butting. biting, ridiculous stuff is a phase & quite common. It will pass. When it is happening you feel like it won't, but it will. I am sorry you are having a tough time. It makes your days so much harder to deal with when your nights feel chaotic. When I was super desperate to not get squished...I would get him asleep, transfer him to the crib & then put the bed side rail in between the mattresses, so he culdn't so easily roll over to me or climb on me. It won't be a solution, but it may buy you a little more time before you end up with them in your face. Good luck! Let us know how it is going now.....
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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