Log In Sign Up

my mother & unsolicited parenting advice


Forum: Attachment Parenting

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Attachment Parenting LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
August 15th, 2009, 02:51 PM
cln1812's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 1,082
I don't know if this really goes in AP or what. I always thought I had a decent relationship with my mom, but lately, she isn't earning points from me. About 3 weeks ago, I called her in tears. DD (19 months at the time) had gotten a stomach virus and diarrhea and both DH & I got it, so we were all throwing up. I begged her to come here and help (she lives about an hour's drive away). I felt bad that it would likely make her sick, but DH & I were so ill we couldn't care for our daughter, and my daughter didn't understand what was going on with Mommy and Daddy not reading to her or playing with her (LO was a trooper, she played between throwing up and diarrhea, didn't seem to be affected nearly as much as DH or me). At one point, my hands started cramping (from loss of electrolytes), and I thought I might need to call an ambulance to get us to the hospital and rehydrated (DH & I were in no shape to drive). So that whole situation left me a bit mad at my mom Yes, she might have gotten sick, but she could have stayed here, and in any event, she would have had an easier time taking care of just herself versus herself and a toddler. My mom is only 51, in good health, she could have helped.

Yesterday evening, my mom phones me up and tells me there's a show on TV I need to watch (Supernanny or something like that) about how to get your kids out of sleeping in bed with you. We still cosleep with DD. I tell her, "Mom, it's not a problem that Tessa still sleeps with us." She says, "Really?" and I can tell she doesn't believe it. Both DH & I love cosleeping with our daughter. I tell my mom, "Tessa still breastfeeds overnight sometimes, sleeping together is easiest for everyone." And my mom goes on to say, "When DO you plan to wean? I hope you're not going to be one of those women breastfeeding a 3 year old!" (said in horror). And I think, well, maybe I will be, Tessa will wean when she's ready and I don't know when that will be. When my mom comes over to visit, she always remarks that Tessa is so attached to me as if that's a bad thing. It can be wearisome having a cling-on, but I also love that DD wants me there for everything because I know eventually she'll want to do more and more things on her own and find her independence.

I just get the feeling my mom thinks I am doing everything wrong with regards to parenting my daughter I don't ask for her parenting advice and she gives it anyway I was having a good evening until my mom called, then I was all frustrated and upset afterwards
__________________






My Ovulation Chart
Reply With Quote
  #2  
August 15th, 2009, 03:54 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
I am not sure if thsi will behelpful or not, but early on I was getting some level of disapproval from both sides (mine & Dh's) and I asked a question that seemed to help..."Do you feel that by me making these parenting choices that are so different than how you parented that I am saying you did something wrong?" I also told both sides eventually that they had their time to be "the mom" now it is MY turn & I will ask for advice when I feel I need it but otherwise I would appreciate nothing but support. I welcome questions if they genuinely want to understand why, but not if they are meant to make me defend a parenting decision.

I am sorry she is so hard for you to relate to right now & it is tough feeling like you aren't getting the love & support you need. I hope you can talk it through with her & reestablish some boundaries.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




Reply With Quote
  #3  
August 15th, 2009, 04:02 PM
broxi3781's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: belfast, northern ireland
Posts: 1,563
I have a few ways of dealing with unwanted advice.
The first I took from living behind a railway line, after awhile you learn to just not register the noise. So often i just think of it as unwanted noise and ignore it. Of course some people will notice that I'm not listening, in which case i say Oh sorry drifted off there, would you mind repeating that? Ignore again and most people do catch on.
The second is to suggest they research the matter, offer to provide material etc and discuss the matter after they have read up a bit.
The third is to start quoting studies and research until they start praying for me to shut up, which i wont, and hopefully they learn through aversion not to broach the subject.
But finally you can just say, I love and respect you and know you did what you thought was best when I was young. Now I am the parent and I am also doing what I think I best. Because I love you so much, it hurts when I think you dont approve, but whether you approve or not, I must as a parent do what i feel is right for my child.
As far as being sick, been there many times and no matter how much you think you cant cope each time, somehow you manage. Its the one toilet when everyone is being ill at once that gets really difficult
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4  
August 15th, 2009, 06:16 PM
blondie-lox's Avatar Do NOT feed the Troll
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: ON, Canada
Posts: 16,621
I just wanted to offer you some hugs, it can be so difficult when family members aren't supportive of your parenting choices.
__________________

Huge thanks to *Kiliki* for the FANTABULOUS new siggy!!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
August 15th, 2009, 06:36 PM
~Valerie~
Guest
Posts: n/a
I am dealing with the same thing from my mother on a weekly basis, the pathetic thing in my case is that she doesn't get why I'm STILL breastfeeding my almost 6 month old..
Reply With Quote
  #6  
August 16th, 2009, 03:09 AM
mgm78's Avatar Zoe's mom Meredith
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: PA
Posts: 17,089
Send a message via Yahoo to mgm78
(((Hugs))))
__________________





Reply With Quote
  #7  
August 16th, 2009, 06:34 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 9,490
Ok...running short on time...I should be getting dressed and ready for church LOL....anyway....

I have the same problem as you....in a lot of ways....Only I messed up....I didn't start out parenting "my way"....I followed my mom's advice and did things JUST LIKE SHE DID THEM....and guess what...it's NOT me....its NOT what I want.....and I didn't figure that out until I had three children already being raised that way....so I'm SO happy for you that you are standing your ground on your FIRST. I'm having to backtrack. I have three older children raised in a way that just wasn't natural and was emotionally exhausting.

On baby number four I finally had my own way....I finally broke free of what was happening. I LOVE my mom to bits, but her way is not my way!

Anyway....just take her criticism with a grain of salt...I think it's cause they dont understand...first of all they dont understand why you aren't doing things the way she did them...afterall YOU turned out alright. secondly...since she DIDNT do it that way she's confused as to WHY you are doing it in the first place....My mom cannot fathom why I'd let Olive sleep in bed with me. She things I'm silly and just digging my own grave. She doesn't know why I'd continue nursing past a year....and she doesn't understand babywearing past the tiny age.....

Anyway...I'll shush now before I hijack much more...but I understand! Hang in there and hold your ground HUGS
__________________
Martha
Momma to Emma, Elzie, Gretchen, Olive, and Rogan

We aren't to give a baby milk, berries, or peanut butter. We are to introduce new foods one at a time. But it's OK to inject several viruses, bacteria, aluminum, formaldehyde, phenoxyethanol, animal serum, mercury, squalene and more into an 8 week old? I don't think so.
In order to be healthy it is an unfortunate fact that people must be allowed the opportunity to be ill. I trust my body and those of my children to work correctly against the relatively benign diseases they vax for, and do not trust the ingredients in the vaccinations.
Our choice to not vax isn't based in ignorance, poverty, conspiracy theory and rumor. It's research, common sense, fact and evidence based..something the medical community has largely forgot about.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
August 16th, 2009, 10:19 AM
(.Y.)mom2dd(.Y.)
Guest
Posts: n/a


http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f9...criticism.html (Handling Criticism)
Reply With Quote
  #9  
August 16th, 2009, 06:38 PM
HS&Fsmom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NC
Posts: 2,611
What a pain!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by beck12 View Post
I am not sure if thsi will behelpful or not, but early on I was getting some level of disapproval from both sides (mine & Dh's) and I asked a question that seemed to help..."Do you feel that by me making these parenting choices that are so different than how you parented that I am saying you did something wrong?" I also told both sides eventually that they had their time to be "the mom" now it is MY turn & I will ask for advice when I feel I need it but otherwise I would appreciate nothing but support.
WOW- how did they react to that?

I haven't said anything like this but I think I could get angry enough someday to. Whenever a certain family member feels she should be a critic or try to go over my head, I just ignore her and continue to do as I see fit with Hugo. I know she doesn't like it that I have the final say and not her, but I'M THE MOM... give it up already!!
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #10  
August 17th, 2009, 06:56 AM
Alissa&Isabelle'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Colorado
Posts: 12,602
Send a message via AIM to Alissa&Isabelle'sMommy Send a message via MSN to Alissa&Isabelle'sMommy Send a message via Yahoo to Alissa&Isabelle'sMommy
Same here! My Mom doesn't co sleeping in my bed, nursing past a year and baby wearing! I agree, I have to ignore it!
__________________
MY BLOG MySpaceFacebook Wife to Jesse since 2/14/2004. Mommy to Alissa Grace 3/13/2006 and Isabelle Rose 12/10/2008.



Reply With Quote
  #11  
August 18th, 2009, 01:06 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Dreamland...........
Posts: 2,646
I simply say thank you i appreciate your advice. And then i do my thing.............no point in fretting OR debating about it is there?
__________________




" \m/ Now Im riding through the air
going to where no one dares
on the way Ill cross the line forevermore \m/ "

Reply With Quote
  #12  
August 18th, 2009, 12:15 PM
MommaNator's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,773
((HUGS)) I understand. My mother is the same way but more aggressive about it. It sure is tough. Stick to your guns.
__________________

Thanks Julie_aka_Mommy!


Reply With Quote
  #13  
August 18th, 2009, 06:26 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,003
It's SO different to do things in a way that is different from what your family is used to. Beckie, as usual, is right in that I think they believe that by doing things differently you are saying that THEY did things wrong and they take it very personally.

I don't have any great advice to give - I lie to our families about cosleeping because I do not want to listen to them about it... although we did just go away for the weekend with my whole family and my parents paid for everything and we did not get a crib for the room and I said that a single king size bed was fine and that we'd keep Grant with us. The breastfeeding thing hasn't come up yet although I did just whine to my mom about my nipple pain (posted on bf past 1 year board) and I was hoping beyond hope that she would not suggest weaning. She didn't, thank god, because I don't know how I'd handle it I'm feeling so rotten right now.

What helps me a little is just knowing that I am doing the best thing for MY baby. It's hard when friends are all gung ho on ferberizing their 4 month old baby and all proud of themselves that before they could figure out what to do about the crying he "self soothes" - ie stops crying (I think he just has figured out no one is going to come... I never had to take time to "figure out" what to do about my son's cries, I just picked him up!) It's even worse when it seems to "work" and their baby now sleeps through the night and mine almost a year older still doesn't sleep through... I doubt myself and think that maybe I AM doing the wrong thing but then I remind myself to not compare - no one knows my baby the way I do and I am doing the right thing by following my instinct.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #14  
August 18th, 2009, 07:01 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 9,490
Dont doubt yourself.....you are following his lead....HUGS
__________________
Martha
Momma to Emma, Elzie, Gretchen, Olive, and Rogan

We aren't to give a baby milk, berries, or peanut butter. We are to introduce new foods one at a time. But it's OK to inject several viruses, bacteria, aluminum, formaldehyde, phenoxyethanol, animal serum, mercury, squalene and more into an 8 week old? I don't think so.
In order to be healthy it is an unfortunate fact that people must be allowed the opportunity to be ill. I trust my body and those of my children to work correctly against the relatively benign diseases they vax for, and do not trust the ingredients in the vaccinations.
Our choice to not vax isn't based in ignorance, poverty, conspiracy theory and rumor. It's research, common sense, fact and evidence based..something the medical community has largely forgot about.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:12 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0