I don't have any real concrete "been there, done that" advice because I am right there with you with my 17 month old but I do have some thoughts because I DO think about this... a LOT. And yes, it is a LOT harder to be AP with a toddler than with a baby
IMO.
No one has started in on me about breastfeeding and I have hidden the fact that I co-sleep for quite some time from my family because I just cannot listen to their criticism of it. The only people who know are friends who are supportive. But I do not hide it from them because I feel I am doing the wrong thing, I hide it from them because I could explain til I am blue in the face and they will never believe me and already think I am a total whacko and I choose not to spend my time and energy going down that path for one second more than I have already.
But all that said, I think you just need to have faith that your child will wean and move out of your bed when they are ready. Period. Think about all of the other things your child has done when they were ready, from walking to eating solids etcetc. My son does not always do everything on the timeline that I'd hope but he does things when he is good and ready and I am starting to finally gain confidence in him that all things will come with time.
I'd love to hear the feedback from been there done that moms on this one but I NEVER refuse cuddles if my son wants them. It is difficult to know when to let them throw a tantrum because their patterns are changing and tantrums are a new way of expressing themselves. When they are infants and they cry, it's because they have a need. As toddlers they sometimes cry because they cannot express their need, or because they are testing their boundaries, or some combination of the two. So to me, the first thing you need to figure out is what boundaries you want to set for your child so that you can maintain some level of consistency.
My son has recently started throwing the biggest tantrums lately and it's been rough making the transition for me. But what I try to do is learn from each tantrum and situation, figure out WHY he is throwing the tantrum and what I want the response to be next time so that I can maintain some level of consistency. If he is throwing a tantrum because he cannot express what he wants and we just can't figure it out (the other day he was sitting at the table SO ANGRY because we just could not figure out what he wanted/was pointing at after offering him everything at the table and saying its name "do you want water? do you want pretzels? Do you want a straw? Do you want a cup?") then I just take him for a "time out" (not in a "punishment" sense but in a "taking time out of a stressful situation to refocus yourself" sense) and sit in a quiet place and nurse him and allow him to center himself again. I know he's just frustrated that we can't understand him and it gives him an opportunity to calm down.
The other kind of tantrum is the "testing boundaries" kind and these are very difficult for me to deal with because I know I have to stand firm on them or else there will be big trouble later. For example, today he was having a huge tantrum over not wanting to sit in his booster seat. The first time
DH tried to put him in he kicked and screamed so
DH put him on the floor. He immediately became happy but started reaching for his food that was up on the table. It is a choking hazard for him to run around the house eating so this is something we need to hold a firm line on. I told him if he wanted to eat his lunch, he had to sit in his seat. I picked him up and put him in there and he started to kick and scream again, but I kept him in anyway. I talked to him the entire time in a calm tone and I told him that I knew he did not want to sit in his seat but that he needed to sit there to eat lunch if he was hungry. He got very angry, very frustrated, red in the face, yelling, but I just sat there with him and looked into his face and kept repeating that I understood how he felt but that he had to eat at the table like a big boy because it was dangerous to run around with food in your mouth. I actually have no clue how much of what I said he understood but it actually took less time than I expected for him to calm down and start eating, and he was totally himself as soon as he started to do that. This is the first time we've had this kind of a tantrum over this issue and I have learned that this is a situation where I believe he is testing limits. In general I allow him to explore things as he wishes and only stop him when he is doing something dangerous, and running around the house eating chicken is something that is dangerous. If he had wanted to cuddle at that point I would have given him cuddles, but he did not - he wanted what he wanted and was trying to get it.
I have only seen super nanny a handful of times but it seems to me that in general the problems she addresses with families are due to lack of rules, lack of consistency and lack of any structure and reasoning at all on the part of the parents. If cosleeping is a problem it is a symptom of the above and not cosleeping itself. The situations they show there are not normal, healthy, AP type situations but rather parents who feel completely out of control and who have NO tools whatsoever to deal with their children. It's also highly edited entertainment and not reality.
I have also stopped concerning myself with what "most other" kids do. If cosleeping is working for you, don't worry about it. If it's not, there are many gentle tips out there to transition your child out of your bed. I know lots of people who had their kids sleep with them on and off throughout childhood and their kids are in their 20's now and perfectly independent, well adjusted and happy people.
BTW my highly TP sister has told people that my son has "no discipline" and that he is going to be a "terror." She was a handslapper in infancy and threatens to give her kid (2 years old) a smack constantly. She always asks her "do you want to get hit? then say you're sorry" for something stupid, like spilling some of her water or juice at a restaurant. I guess it takes all types and it CERTAINLY takes a thick skin to deal with all of the criticism.
The one thing that helped me understand AP was that it is about the LONG TERM good of your child. An AP infant may SEEM clingier but in the long run it leads to a more independent child. It may be easier to slap your toddler into silence when they are having a tantrum than to try to deal with it in a thoughtful way, to try to figure out the cause and react appropriately but I am not parenting my child to put on a show for other people's approval. All that matters to me is that I have a happy, confident, independent child who grows into a happy, confident, independent adult. Just because you choose to be gentle does not mean that you are a pushover.
You know what is best for your LO. Don't worry about everyone else. No matter what you do, someone will always have something to say.
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